Time Out! With Brit and your NBG! Team Bridgette Morris and Lisa West

Bridgette Morris and Lisa West define ‘Negative Narcies’ and teach how to minimize the chaos caused by a NARC in your life.

Brit and Lisa use a football game as an analogy to describe the process of control and manipulation executed by the NARC. In the first quarter, the NARC will attempt to influence you by demonstrations of attention and affection, called ‘love bombing,’ to gain your trust and make you think highly of them. They then move on to Negative Narcies in the second quarter, which are negative thoughts implanted in your mind by the NARC to incite self-doubt. They come in the form of seemingly harmless comments that underhandedly shame you or criticize your appearance, needs or behavior. 

The Purpose of the Negative Narcies

The purpose of Negative Narcies is to control who you are dependent upon: the NARC makes you distrust your friends, family, and yourself, isolating you from everyone but them. Lisa describes the process as “slow cooking,” and the NARC as the “subtle chef.” Britt and Lisa warn that snippets of the first quarter will reappear in the second quarter if the NARC believes that you might be detaching from him or her. Those snippets are psychological manipulations intended to reignite feelings of love and adulation. 

Britt and Lisa do not teach the ‘no-contact’ method of dealing with narcissistic abuse, as they do not believe it is the best method of detachment, but agree that it is necessary in certain circumstances such as cases of physical abuse. Generally, no-contact does not teach you the most important step of emotional distancing. 

“You cannot always control your first thought, but you can control your second one.” It’s normal to be stressed or in a state of chaos, worry, self-doubt and fear when you have a relationship with a NARC, so your first thought after they execute their plays will more often than not be negative. However, it is important that you take control of the thoughts that follow. You must “unlearn the Negative Narcies and the language of self-doubt, and replace them with positivity.” If you engage in this mental exercise every time a negative thought comes in your mind, the frequency of the Negative Narcies decreases over time until all you have are positive first thoughts.

Four to Soar

The four steps of the NBG Pause, the “Four to Soar,” are: 

Remind yourself that you must change because the NARC won’t; 

Remind yourself that the NARC thrives on your emotions; 

Give yourself permission to thoughtfully and peacefully detach from the current situation; and 

Create a kind mind and life. 

Britt and Lisa discuss what each step means and why they are important. Understand that this mental exercise will take as long as necessary for you to accept and acknowledge what is going on and identify what needs to be done, they advise. 

The Rule Changer

Using one of the provided game cards, Britt and Lisa describe the Rule Changer play. The NARC changes the “rules” or expectations mutually agreed upon by both of you to benefit them; that means you have to abide by the rules but they don’t have to.

How do I help someone who I believe is the target of a NARC?

The question of this episode is: ‘How do I help someone whom I believe is a target of a NARC?’ Britt and Lisa say to practice empathy, offer a listening ear, ensure that you are not coming off as judgmental, and shift the focus onto the suspected target and not the NARC. 

To assist listeners, Britt and Lisa are reducing the cost of their coaching sessions to $33/hr per session for the months of April and May. They will be providing seven hours of coaching in total, daily support, and access to join their private community. They are also making a full book available on their website.

Bridget Morris and Lisa West discuss the importance of emotional distancing and why it is critical for those under the stay-at-home order to practice it. 

It is difficult to physically distance yourself from a NARC if you share the same physical space. The NARC will use this mandatory isolation to intensify his plays, and so the added stress of the NARC’s behavior, coupled with the current global anxiety everyone may be facing, will cause strain on your mental health. Britt and Lisa define emotional distancing as “putting space between your emotions and the NARC’s actions”; this means not allowing the NARC’s behavior to evoke anger, distress, or sadness. The NARC is executing plays to gain control of your emotions so that he can have power over you. 

A tool that assists in emotional distancing is the NBG Pause: the ability to pause in the midst of chaos and internalize your response, regardless of what may be occurring externally. Britt describes emotional distancing as “becoming the CEO of your emotions”. It is a mechanism that helps you determine whether or not you need to execute a counterplay.

Britt and Lisa describe four of the NARC’s plays: the Conflict Creator play, the Ignorer play, The Shamer play, and the Blamer play. The NARC may engage in a mix or combination of some or all of these plays at any given moment. Like the NARC, the target can also engage in a mix or combination of the counterplays. Britt and Lisa share examples of the NARC’s plays from their past experiences, what not to do, and the counterplays they could have used.

Even after healing from narcissistic abuse, it is important not to forget your experiences to avoid falling back into the same or similar relationships in the future. With a NARC, the relationship is one-sided and only their needs are met, whereas healthy relationships are two-sided. 

Lisa shares how she struggled with self-care after leaving a NARC, which is a critical step in healing. She describes coming to the realization that she had an obligation to take care of herself for her children’s best interest. Everyone has an obligation to their friends and family to live the best life they can so they continue to be here, Lisa says. 

Having children is a catalyst to figure out your situation: you don’t want them to suffer so you’ll do what is necessary to ensure that they do not. A child of a NARC will always have some sort of relationship with the NARC, and it is essential that they acquire the skills to love themselves because they are not exempt from the NARC’s plays. Taking ownership of your behavior through the NBG Pause and emotional distancing can have a positive impact on your children; they learn by what we do, not what we say. 

Using one of the provided game cards, Britt and Lisa describe the Shamer play. The NARC attempts to make you feel ashamed or guilty for an insignificant common action or statement that you make, and/or your needs. 

The question of this episode is: ‘How is emotional distancing as healthy as social distancing?’ They answer by making a parallel between the separation needed to prevent infection, and the separation between your emotions and the NARC’s actions needed to prevent the NARC’s behavior from taking effect. You need to take accountability for your actions and be mindful of the impact your words can have. Even though you are frustrated, it does not mean you need to project it on someone else. Social distancing is still awkward, but it is becoming our new normal, and emotional distancing will be the same way. 

Britt and Lisa’s prayers are with those suffering from narcissistic abuse as well as the coronavirus. They implore listeners to keep in contact with their loved ones, and to reach out to those who may be in need. 


Resources
NARCBGone.com

In this pilot episode, Bridgette Morris and Lisa West discuss ‘NARCs’ and one way that those who suffer from their manipulation can regain control.

A NARC Defined
It has taken Brit and Lisa over 20 years to figure out how to deal with a NARC, whom they define as ‘a person who does not have the ability to show or feel any concern for or any connection with anyone, and who is only concerned about themselves.’ The term is brought enough to also cover self-centered or toxic people. Understand that the NARC could be anyone, Lisa says. The NARC-B-Gone!tm program aims to teach the NARC’s target - someone who the Narc controls and manipulates directly - how to beat them at their own game. 

Narcissistic abuse is invisible and hard to detect, as the NARC often takes on a charming persona to divert attention from their real intent. In addition, the NARC makes everything complex to distract from who he or she truly is. Figuring out how to evade their tactics is complex but simple. The NARC-B-Gone!tm program educates you on each one of the NARC’s plays, and equips you with counterplays. 

The Conflict Chaos Creator Play
Using one of the provided game cards, Brit and Lisa describe one of the NARC’s primary plays. This is the Conflict Chaos Creator play: the NARC sows discord or friction between their target and someone they regularly associate with in order to take the focus off of them and what they are doing. The goal of this play is to isolate the target from people they can usually rely on, further securing their dependence on the NARC. 

Narcs and the Coronavirus
The question of this episode is: ‘How are NARCs and the Coronavirus similar?’ They answer by making a parallel between the current fear and panic among the global population, and the everyday emotions that targets of NARC’s experience as a result of the NARC’s manipulation. The current mania about the virus draws away from the serious needs and concerns surrounding children, the elderly, and the immunocompromised, similar to the Conflict Chaos Creator play that the NARC engages in. 

Brit and Lisa advise listeners to check on their elderly neighbors, especially those who live alone. Research shows that an altruistic attitude has a physiologically positive effect on overall and emotional health. A way to help you is to help someone else.

Resources
NarcBGone.com

Welcome to Time Out! with Britt and Lisa, the podcast that helps you identify the NARC, understand why they do what they do, and start taking your life back into your own hands.
The effects of narcissitic abuse can be lifelong and devastating, and many people suffer from it in one way or another. NARCs come in all shapes, sizes and professional roles, and at some point most people have to deal with one. When you tune in each week, you're going to learn about narcissistic abuse, get equipped with strategies to deal with them, and you're going to be empowered to take and keep control of your own life.