Top 5 Most Important Things Parents Should Do

Today I want to cut to the chase and give you the five most important things that you should do as a parent.

#5 Our Attention (at least for a few minutes!)

Number five is to give your kids some regular, undivided attention. I know this can be difficult on top of our already busy schedules, but what I am talking about is simply 10 minutes at a time.

When my daughter was younger, I would set a 10-minute timer on my phone and then just be there and pay attention to her. I’d follow her lead and give her my undivided attention. I wasn’t trying to drum up some game or be entertaining. I was just being available for her.

If you do this daily they will come to expect to have that time with you. By getting regular undivided attention, they won’t be constantly requiring your attention because they actually got their tanks filled up through the time you were really present with them and they know that they will soon get your attention again.

#4 Our Availability (at least occasionally!)

Along similar lines, when your kids come pulling on your leg, try to let go of what you are doing and give them a little bit of attention. Once again, this will actually lead to them pulling on you less. When a kid or adult feels deprived, it makes them more needy and clingy. If they know they can get your attention, then they won’t try to get it as much. If you are constantly brushing them away because you are too overwhelmed with life’s business, then they will feel unfulfilled within themselves and they will be longing for some more connection.

I try to remember that my daughter is going to be moving out of the house before I know it and to savor these years before they are gone. That memory helps me to let go of my menial tasks and give her my attention, even for a couple minutes. This type of attention has been scientifically shown to support kids to be happier, feel more secure in themselves and thus ask for our attention when they really need it.

#3 Deal with Your Own Feelings

This is really important. It makes a huge difference if we know how to manage our own bad feelings. To be human is to have bad feelings. When we have our partners and our kids needing something from us, we can get more bad feelings. Unfortunately, most of us end up taking those bad feelings out on our kids and our partners. If we can instead come to have some conception of what is happening for us emotionally, and therefore be able to tolerate it a little bit more, then we can stop ourselves from so unconsciously taking it out on our family.

Of course we are all going to fail to contain our bad feelings. I do. We cannot always remain conscious and in control, because life is very provocative, particularly with kids. But when you get triggered, try to take a moment at some point afterwards to think about what happened for you. If you can, make space to feel the feelings, share them with another or journal. Therapists can really help us to understand, and more importantly free us from, our automatic reactions.

The reality is that, for many of us, when we get triggered, we are actually having emotional memories from when we were our kid’s age. My daughter right now is 11. I have lots of memories that are difficult from when I was 11. It is amazing how the feelings that I often have in relation to her really mirror those memories. Taking the time to remember how you felt at your child’s age, to really inhabit that experience a little bit more, will enable you to be more conscious and less reactive in the day to day with your child.

#2 Embrace Your Kid’s Bad Feelings

Similarly, it makes an immense difference if we are comfortable with our kid’s bad feelings. If we have a strong reaction to your kids’ anger, tantrums, sadness, or overwhelm, then we’re likely to make that bad situation much worse. If on the other hand, we can