What's The Matter With Me? Podcast John Hoppin

Low Anxiety, Going Places



In this episode, I give a shoutout to Kevin for Montana info, share insights from Andrew Pulrang's Disability Thinking, and discuss prepping Dax Pierson interview questions. I also talk about my kids' haircuts, our neighborhood, music, therapy, hospital visits, and my recent solo trips and poetry publications.



Shout Outs







Shout outs to Kevin. thanks for the info about Montana. Kevin does comic book reviews on his YouTube channel Under The Cowl Of MS.



Disability Thinking







Now reading Andrew Pulrang's Disability Thinking Substack. I've always been partial to the combination of disability with thinking, the guy's been on another level for a long time.



Writing Dax Pierson interview questions. I have been lagging, trying to be recovered fully before doing the interview. I think it may be time to move forward.



I'll Gladly Pay Tomorrow For A Haircut Today



After months of hair drama, i took my kids to Supercuts and John's long hair was over in a moment. He was happy. With his new haircut, he's ready for summer.



I'm glad that our neighborhood is a protected cul-de-sac. It means the kids can play outside with the other kids in the neighborhood and there's hardly any car traffic.



New Music: Magic Fig, "Magic Fig"







Magic Fig. San Francisco psych band. I heard it reviewed at the KFJC staff meeting and I ordered it from the group's bandcamp page.




Cool new record – local band – insane amount of styles – dreamlike hooks – psychedelic SF – full sonic fireworks, Silver Current Label – over the top – combo Sid Barrett mixed with HR Puff n’ Stuff
KFJC Music Notes 6/5/24



24-Hour yogurt is smoother than 8-hour yogurt, go figure.



I went to the Express Care at the Eden Valley Medical Center bc my ear was feeling blocked, like it had somebody's thumb stuck in it. They prescribed Flonase and something else, and they've been making it easier to breathe through the machine



My anxiety is low, put fast away, like it's in the past. My talk therapist thinks it may be due to the EMDR therapy that we've been doing.



Excursions



I drove the kids to Foothill College where we went to KFJC and we hung out with Jack Tar and Good Karma before having snack on the quad, and then we drove to Hayward. In Hayward, we went to Burger King, a place the kids wanted to go badly after seeing the commercial a million times.



Territorial Expansion







The next day, I went to Oakland on my own. I've learned how to strap the wheelchair onto my car by myself. On Father's Day, I took the kids to Berkeley. We went to Amoeba Music, Moe's Books, Games of Berkeley, and had slices of pizza for lunch. My new expanded base of operations includes Oakland, Berkeley and Los Altos.



Acceptances







My ears were burning, my vibe was strong. Three poems were accepted for publication in two different journals. After a long gap, they were accepted in the same day by editors working half a world apart. It'll be my first time publishing my work in another country, and also my first time reprinting a poem. Stay tuned, you'll be the first to know..

In the latest "What's the Matter with Me?" podcast, John updates on his improved sleep with a sleep apnea device, newfound independence loading his wheelchair, upcoming Montana trip, and reflections on anxiety. He also mentions his kids' interest in the viral "Skibidi Toilet" videos.



A Toilet For The Ages




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrlkXOxlvCk




I asked my son about skibidi toilet, and he replied:




It's gone viral.. in fifty years, look in the history books, and there'll be skibidi toilet. Skibidi Toilet is a part of history.
A 10-year-old



Shoutouts




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6QOrgMeuMI




Shout outs to Amy and Matt who had us over for a barbecueShout outs to Anthony was in town and came over



It Sucks To Breathe Through A Straw



My sleep apnea CPAP device has been having low pressure, making it hard to breathe through. Unsurprisingly, it triggers anxiety. It's like breathing through a long straw. To counteract the feeling of not being able to breathe, I adjusted the pressure on my sleep apnea device and slept longer.



I'm trying to get an appointment with the sleep doctor. I've slept ok last the last four or five nights.



Sisyphean Labor For Meager Reward



Community radio DJ holding a torch aloft by the side of the inky black ocean



Submitting poetry is comforting because the process is its own reward. It can just go on endlessly, a bit like the radio.



Talking to my friends, many have some source of anxiety, from stress, responsibility, waking up in the middle of the night, no afternoon coffee, drinking beer and sleeping badly. I guess what I'm going through is a fairly common experience.



I used Curb Free With Cory Lee! as a guide to book a wheelchair-accessible Alaska Cruise for 2025. This summer, we're going to Montana for family vacation.



The new coffee machine is making better espresso. I haven't fully figured out how to steam milk and integrate that into my coffee making, so I end up with a cappuccino that is exactly the way I want it.



I'm taking the kids to school in the mornings again.



Uncontrolled anxious thought chains kept me from bed. I didn't get to sleep until after 1:00 a.m.



Did It By Myself



Today I did something I have been afraid of for months- since we got the wheelchair lift- I l loaded and unloaded my chair onto my van by myself.In November, when I got the chair lift, I assumed that I couldn't do it because there were straps and restraints to tie down the chair. A little complicated for me last year, but now, I've figured out some ways that I can use it on my own and there's no other way to figure that out but just doing it



Thanks to my wife who supported me and who loaded my chair in and out of my van for years and now I figured out how I can do it on my own. I've needed a victory like this that I could point to and say, "I am improving."



It takes a couple minutes to put my wheelchair on the car, but not very long at all. It makes me feel independent and that is very good.



In related news, I drove and got my pants hemmed at John The Fashion Tailor in Oakland. I've been getting things altered there for 20 years. Hemming six inches off of my pants changed the proportion of my clothes.



Skibidi Toilet is a part of historyI slept pretty well last night



Skibidi Toilet Selfie














00:00:01 - Intro



00:01:57 - Last episode recap



00:03:54 - CPAP machine malfunction



00:06:09 - Submitting poetry



00:06:27 - Community radio DJ



00:07:23 - Many people have anxiety



00:08:27 - Wheelchair accessible vacation planning



00:10:19 - Curb Free With Cory Lee



00:11:52 - Missoula, Montana vacation



00:13:28 - New coffee machine



00:14:38 - Taking my kids to school



00:15:01 - Uncontrolled anxious thought chains



00:15:40 - Wheelchair lift breakthrough



00:18:14 - John the Fashion Tailor



00:19:58 - Skibidi Toilet is a part of history

Compulsive behavior sequences are keeping me up at night, precluding a good night's sleep



I'm driven from bed, get dressed, go outside to calm down, and eventually get back in bed. Out-of-control thoughts about the various trauma I'm going through overwhelm me, and soon I'm driven from bed again.



Searched up 'strategy to stop repetitive behavior compulsive' at 130am:




Sleep anxiety is a feeling of stress or fear about going to sleep. Anxiety is the most common mental health disorder in the U.S. Research suggests that most people with mental health disorders like anxiety also have some form of sleep disruption. Treatments may include therapy, better sleep hygiene or medication.
"Sleep Anxiety," Cleveland Clinic



Drop-off is the new normal



I took the kids to school again. We listened to KCSM, the Bay Area's Jazz Station, on the short drove to school. my daughter said it reminded her of Grandma's house, where indeed there is always jazz on the stereo. I told her about how I grew up listening to jazz on the radio.



Good Things Are Happening



My walking is definitely improving. Soon, I hope I can go to KFJC on my own. I'm working up to it. First, I got to get a good night's sleep.



I'm falling in love with the new cat.



Subscription Package







We subscribed to The 2025 season of @calperformances. We're going to see @therealmambazo @SamaraJoy99 @AntonioDrumsX @ZakirHtabla. I'm very excited.



3D Opera Glasses







Back in the day I saw Phillip Glass perform "Monsters Of Grace," directed by Robert Wilson in Zellerbach Hall, and it was very spectacular.




Originally, Wilson intended the fantastical scenarios he envisioned to actually be staged. When he realized the enormous costs and effort that would be involved in performing such a project (which included such tableaux as a gigantic hand pulling a sword from the ocean and a helicopter flying over the Great Wall of China), Wilson and producer Jed Wheeler began looking into creating the entire visual end of the production with 3D computer graphics. ...



One major drawback that seems to have been the project's main flaw was the length of time required for creating and rendering the animation. It took twenty animators almost a full year to complete the footage based on Wilson's original intent. Wilson, who has been described as liking to maintain great control over his projects and to change details at the last minute, gradually grew frustrated upon seeing how much time was required to change the animations, and ended up distancing himself from the animators. This led to a final product that, from his standpoint, was unpolished. In an interview with the New York Times, he remarked, "This is like being a dog with a litter of puppies that went away six weeks later. . . . Here I was working with people who didn't know my work, in a medium I didn't know."
"Monsters Of Grace" Wikipedia page



We won't be seeing that again.



We subscribed right after they announced the schedule, which reserves us a place in line to get ADA seats.



Back on the exercise bike



New Coffee Rig







A new espresso machine is coming - the Lelit Victoria. It's an updated version of the 30-year old machine I use currently.



Back And Forth



The new therapist is doing eye movement therapy, called EMDR.




Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy, commonly known as EMDR, is a mental health therapy method. EMDR treats mental health conditions that happen because of memories from traumatic events in your past. It’s best known for its role in treating post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but its use is expanding to include treatment of many other conditions.
"EMDR," Cleveland Clinic



Winning



3:33



I'm winning the war on anxiety, because I won't have it any other way. Sleep anxiety is making things difficult.



I drove to Emeryville and get my haircut from Anjela at New Florence Salon.



A few days ago,

Getting through anxiety one day at a time, one step at a time, putting myself out there. Slogging through.



In the news







Paris Promised the Olympics Would Be Accessible. The Clock Is Ticking.



Article: Paris Promised The Olympics Would Be Accessible



The city, which put inclusivity at the center of its bid, has improved access for people with disabilities, but with the opening ceremony about 12 weeks away, obstacles remain.



Slogging through







Processing what's happening



One of the hardest things about Multiple sclerosis is wrapping your head around it. being cool with the things that are happening to you in the processes that you are part of accepting them is very difficult. maybe it doesn't have to be. in Buddhism they say that all life is suffering, but some of it is unnecessary.



Maybe it's important to accept myself and what's happening, that it is okay that you are okay it has been okay it is okay and it will continue to be okay.



I am thinking about that because I am going to start talk therapy again



I'm getting some relief from anxiety. taking it easy



Last night I made rice and beans and we had it with eggs and salad



Bailey, a female wrestler on smackdown from San Jose CA



It rained on free comic book day



anxious feelings are difficult to control



back pain creating a nerve tingle in my groin and knee



difficulty sleeping



I play an impartial judge in mayhem special. Jersey girl and max levels



I drove to the coffee shop and didn't give up until I got a cappuccino - twice



drove to Oakland and pumped my own gas



Mayhem







Max level picked me up at my house and drove me to kfjc where we broadcast the snap crackle pop special with Jersey Girl. shout outs to max level Jersey Girl circumference, Robert Emmett and the sandman



everybody played a role



radio helped anxiety - in the moment



New Therapist



New talk therapist began. we spoke about the bad anxiety i was feeling, the anxious thoughts and the need to tell the doctor that the medication was not relieving me. my therapist has worked with disabled people before, and some of them could not communicate, so they had a hard time advocating for themselves.



insomnia. anxiety. panic when I liey down. the numbness inside my head becomes my focus, and I obsess over it. eventually I calm myself enough to lie down, then the cycle begins anew



I drove my family to a baby shower in Dublin for one of my wife's coworkers



Selfie














00:00:00 - intro



00:00:47 - paris promised the Olympics would be accessible



00:03:59 - slogging through anxiety



00:07:41 - it is ok, it has been ok, it will be ok



00:09:06 - relief



00:09:54 - cracking crabs at market hall



00:12:53 - wrapping your head around MS



00:14:12 - new talk therapist



00:15:24 - back down the track



00:15:48 - boys time



00:16:13 - cooking to find noormalcy



00:17:06 - Bayley, wrestler from san jose



00:17:48 - rainy free comic book day



00:18:08 - anxiety thoughts



00:19:42 - snap crackle pop kfjc mmayhem special



00:20:49 - getting around on my own



00:21:48 - taking the kids to school



00:22:58 - shout outs



00:23:28 - broadcasting in the moment



00:24:21 - advocating at the doctor\'s office



00:25:20 - changes in sensation



00:26:11 - baby shower



00:27:55 - cirque du soleil



00:29:28 - outro

In "Anxiety Medication Strategy Session," changing opinions on music, bouts of anxiety, recent publication in Identity Theory and Disturb the Universe, family life changes, increased mobility, and resumption of some duties.



Last Old Guy Or First New Guy?



Recently, I read a tweet by flea, and I was forced to reconsider:




https://twitter.com/flea333/status/1774601328502898936





https://youtu.be/QEgalcH_-b4?si=q7ZD6rdC4ZhfnwbY&t=1762
Pat Matheny on German jazz critics



Pat Matheny was a jazz guitarist that my stepfather really admired. For that reason, in my youth I stayed away from it. In general, I mind it less now that I am older, but I generally don't seek it out.



Sometimes, a random tweet by flea will turn decades of tradition on its head, and I'll be forced to reconsider. In an interview with Rick Beato, Pat Metheny had this to say about musical invention:




German jazz critics are great. They'll come right out and say the most direct thing. I had a guy say to me-- you know, not that long ago, maybe 10 years ago-- "Are you the last old guy, or are you the first new guy?" and the thing is, I bet you know what he means too, right? Yeah, of course.. I mean, for me, both.



Well, I don't know, I mean, you know, it's hard to be objective about your own thing, but what I will say is that, for me, there was no option other than trying to invent stuff, yeah.




Anxious feelings







I had a bout of anxious feelings and panic. I reached out to my care team and spoke over video and in-person at the office with my doctor the next day. We think it could be related to switching off of nerve-pain medication post-surgery.



Marinated Spicy Chicken Thighs Recipe







Over at Hoppin Hot Sauce, there's a new recipe for Marinated Spicy Chicken Thighs marinated in yogurt, salt, and Hoppin Hot Sauce.



"Vern" published in Identity Theory




I’m happy to announce the publication of “Vern” in Identity Theory, selected by Micro Editor Vic Nogay. Many thanks to the publisher Matt Borondy.



“Vern” is a 50-word story about the workplace injury sustained by my great grandfather, T. Vernon Smithson, at the cotton gin in Mount Juliet, Tennessee.



Identity Theory is an online magazine of literature and culture publishing interviews, prose, poetry, art, commentary, and other inventive explorations of humanity since 2000.
"Vern" published




https://twitter.com/IdentityTheory/status/1783167798942023891
Reading "Vern" for Identity Theory



"Hot Day" published in Disturb The Universe




I’m happy to announce the publication of my eco-disaster poem, “Hot Day” in Disturb The Universe Magazine, April 23, 2024. The poem takes place in a decomposing world in thrall to “inevitable circumstances/ That can’t be avoided.”



According to their website, “Disturb the Universe aims to share writing on the edge from writers strongly inhabiting their voice.” Many thanks to Editor in Chief Skaja Evens.
"Hot Day" published



Non-stop publication action



Is disguising the inevitable sinking feeling but it has to be in there, somewhere.



Domestic Emptiness



For the first time since 2020, my wife is back to the office four days a week. It's probably a big change for her. She comes home bursting with stories of her new gig. She seems very stimulated, and I think that's a good thing. Our home is empty during the day for the first time since we moved from San Jose.



More walking



I'm in my wheelchair less and less, and walking more. This week I went to the library on my own, walking in and out from the parking lot, trying to build stamina. I went to the doctor without the chair. I use it when we go to the market, any time when I'll have to do extended walking or to carry things.



Resuming Some Duties



Last week, I picked up the kids from school and picked up the vegetable box - something that I haven't done more than once or twice in the past year.



I made an appointment to get a hair cut in

Featuring updates on Hoppin Hot Sauce inventory, newly published writing, recuperation from surgery, the year's first barbecue, and a new family pet.



Sandman Knows Kale



Shout outs to the Sandman, who wrote in about kale and he knows more about kale than I ever will. He works with kale as a kaleologist.



Extra Hot Shortage



Buy Extra Hot Hoppin Hot Sauce from Amazon as we will be out of stock on Extra Hot in the near term, and once Amazon runs out, we're out.



Publication







Instant Noodles published my 50-word story "CYBERTRUCK DENTAL, S. DE R.L."



The link to the stuff that is published, along with what's upcoming is on the Publications page of my author site jwh.whatsthematterwithme.org



The sinking feeling you have after publication is the same one you have after you have an art opening. Everything returns to normal. Banal, mundane, normal.



But in fact, I did accomplish something. What I set out to do: become a published writer.



The thing rolls on, even: a second 50-word story will be published in a different publication next week. I recorded myself reading it in a video at the request of the editor.



Surgery Update



Looking at the calendar, it's been about 4 weeks since I had surgery. I've reduced my medication down to the pointt where I'm almost completely titrated off of the pain medications I've been taking for months.



New New Cat



We've got a new cat at the house. It's a two-month-old kitten that's part-lynx. It's in quarantine for the next 10 days, maybe more.



Barbecue







I lit the barbecue for the first time this year. Now that my meds are reduced, I feel like not as scary to grill. For the first go-around, I made skirt steak and eggplantLast night, I grilled a pork tenderloin with whole grain mustard, brown sugar and Shaoxing wine. We ate it with steamed new potatoes and boiled carrots.



Hollywood



We ordered a new juniper tree, a 'Hollywood Juniper' juniperus chinensis var. kaizuka.



Remodeling



After launching my writer's website, I'm remaking the whatsthematterwithme.org website with the same theme. If it all goes well, I could see myself redoing HoppinHotSauce.com the same way.



Gary in the press



Installation view of Gary Cannone’s Manet/Degas at Compound Yellow, Oak Park, Illinois (photo Jonas Müller-Ahlheim)



Past WTMWM? interview subject Gary Cannone got a great write-up by Lori Waxman in hyperallergic about his solo show at Compound Yellow in Oak Park, IL. Check out the Gary Cannone Interview Special here.



Gaining equilibrium



For the first time in months, I got up from the couch by myself. A couple of times



Selfie



Publication Barbecue selfie






00:00:00 - Intro



00:01:03 - Hoppin Hot Sauce Jingle



00:01:20 - Shout outs



00:02:01 - Instant Noodles Publishes \"CYBERTRUCK DENTAL, S. DE R.L.\"



00:02:34 - The feeling you have after publication is the same one you have after you have an art opening



00:03:17 - another story will publish next week



00:03:35 - Writing site at jwh.whatsthematterwithme.org



00:04:03 - RF Rhizotomy recovery update



00:06:05 - Tapering off habit-forming medications



00:07:08 - We have a new cat



00:09:03 - First barbecue this year



00:10:15 - The Way I Grill Charred Eggplant



00:12:42 - New Juniper Tree



00:13:43 - Remaking whatsthematterwithme.org



00:13:55 - gary cannone hyperallergic writeup by lri waxman



00:14:35 - getting up by myself



00:16:11 - Outro