004_Beyond36-Turn_Toward Beyond 36 with Kim Kirkley

Welcome to Beyond36 the podcast that asks the question that sparks connection!
This is episode 004! Stay tuned for today’s tip, question and quote. But first let’s get on the same page:

Have you ever noticed a couple who have been together for many years and wondered or even asked them if they had a secret to their happiness?
Did you know that there is an organization that has studied relationships for decades and found that there actually is a secret to a happy marriage and they can predict, with startingly, striking accuracy whether a couple will stay together?!

Here is the secret in a nutshell: Turn Towards. Link in the show notes. https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/ The Gottman Institute invited newlyweds to stay in a guest house and observed their interactions. 6 years later they invited the same couples to return. By this time many were still together and many had divorced. They studied the couples again. They found that the couples who were still together turned towards each other 86% of the time. The couples who were divorced turned toward each other only 33% of the time. As the Guttmacher Institute found, the secret is turning toward. You might be saying turning toward what? Well, you want to turn toward your partner when a bid for attention is made. It could be as simple as “look at that squirrel” or “How was the cake?” or “Let me tell you what happened…” There are the words that we hear but in these bids for attention there is always a deeper meaning, deeper request. It is usually something like “share this moment with me, here and now” or “be with me in this experience.” You have heard me say it before and I will probably say it again many many times -- every human being has a need to be witnessed and not fixed. I am an introvert so I know it is not always easy to put aside of one’s own internal drama or conversation to connect with the partner but the research is clear. When you do respond to a bid for connection, no matter how seemingly inconsequential or random, you are turning towards your partner and fortifying your relationship.

Here is the question of the week:

It is fifty years from now, where are we and what are we doing? Have fun with this and verbally paint the grandest picture of your loveliest dream for your relationship.



Here is the quote of the week:
We cannot live for ourselves alone. Our lives are connected by a thousand invisible threads, and along these sympathetic fibers our actions run as causes and return to us as results. Herman Melville
What does this quote spark in you?
Remember you and your partner can answer the question or respond to the quote or both. The most important thing is to turn toward one another 9 out of ten times that a conversation or bid is offered. I encourage you to check out the Gottman Institute’s blog and sign up for their newsletter: https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

Beyond 36 Tip of the week: Turn towards your partner’s bid for connection.
Question: It’s fifty years from now. Where are we and what are we doing?

Beyond 36 quote of the week:
We cannot live for ourselves alone. Our lives are connected by a thousand invisible threads, and along these sympathetic fibers our actions run as causes and return to us as results. Herman Melville

Share that good truth you hold in your heart dear listener! Also, so that you are both on the same page, share this episode of the Beyond36 podcast with the person you would like to engage in conversation or share a bid with. It will help you both to share a similar perspective and ready to have a heart to heart chat!
I am Kim Kirkley of Beyond36 encouraging you to ask the question that sparks connection, everyday!