Intentional Living with Tanya Hale Tanya Hale: Certified Life Coach

There are parts of our relationships that we would consider 'business', and parts that we would consider 'personal'.  When we get the two all jumbled together, we end up with a lot of drama and miscommunication.  On this podcast I'm talking with my great friend and fellow coach Wendy Lee Johnson about how we can recognize these two aspects of our relationships and approach them differently to strengthen them.  Check her out at www.wendyleejohnsoncoaching.com and on her podcast 'Parenting the Tough Stuff'.

In Terrence Real's new book 'Us', (one of my newest favorites) he talks about our adaptive child.  This is the part of us that learned to adapt to the dysfunctional parts of our childhoods, which we all had.  And although these adaptive behaviors served and protected us as children, very often they are destructive to our adult relationships.  In this episode, I am sharing Terry's insight about our adaptive child and how engage our 'wise adult' instead.

When I work with many of my clients regarding their one-up and one-down beliefs and behaviors, they often find themselves at a loss to describe what an equal response would look like or sound like in their circumstance.  We don't live in a world where equal partnerships have been modeled for us, in fact, mostly we live in a world where the opposite has been modeled, in our families or origin, extended families and friends' families, and on TV and in movies.  In this podcast, I dig a little deeper into what equal relationships look and sound like and how we can move our relationships in this direction.

Some of the areas where we can feel the most stuck in our lives are places where we are just dabbling with change in our lives rather than digging in and doing what needs to happen to create the change we want.  And yet, dabbling is comfortable and easy and even justifiable, whereas committing to doing is scary and risky and requires some determination and courage.  When we choose to move into doing, into some dogged determination to create the change we want, we will create said change.  And once the commitment is fully made, we will even find and energy and drive behind us that will carry us through the challenges that will inevitably lie ahead.

When we're not paying close attention, we can very easily slip into critical words and behaviors in our relationships.  Often, we won't even see it, because in our minds we are being helpful or just expressing concern or our opinion, but it can still very easily be perceived as criticism.  And criticism breaks down relationship by treading on trust and respect.  When we create awareness around our critical tendencies, stop criticizing, and instead move into curiosity, we create deeper connection and intimacy.  Curiosity strengthens our relationships whereas criticism destroys our relationships.  

We live in a society that can be a little happiness obsessed at times.  And though the thought of being happy all the time can sound lovely, it's just not going to happen.  Life is meant to be messy, to be challenging, and to provide us with a lot of opportunities to figure out the tough stuff.  It can be difficult to remember this when we live in a world where discomfort is seen as a problem to be avoided rather than just part of life.  This week we are discussing how to balance out the discomfort of life and our quest for happiness.