Waking Up to Narcissism

The Virtual Couch Network
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  • MENTAL HEALTH
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Waking Up to Narcissism

"Waking Up to Narcissism" is a podcast hosted by Tony Overbay, LMFT, host of the award-winning Virtual Couch podcast, dedicated to helping individuals recognize and navigate narcissistic traits and tendencies in their relationships and within themselves. With a focus on emotional immaturity versus narcissism, Tony provides tools and guidance for personal growth and managing relationships with narcissistic or emotionally immature individuals, even if that individual is you!

  1. 5 NOV

    What Do You Stand For? From People-Pleasing to Self-Discovery: A Journey of Character and Integrity

    Are you truly living in alignment with your values, or do the expectations of others shape you? How do you begin to define your own character when emotional immaturity and narcissism are at play in your relationships? In this episode, we dive deep into what it means to build a sense of character and integrity—especially for those who may have spent years putting others’ needs above their own. Through stories, reflection, and therapeutic insight, we’ll explore how a pathologically kind person can break free from people-pleasing patterns and begin to understand their true values and beliefs. Discover how character is not only about the values you hold but also what you’re willing to tolerate or excuse in yourself and others. We’ll unpack David Schnarch’s Four Points of Balance to guide you in building a strong, flexible sense of self, showing how true integrity is about standing steady in your own identity, even when external pressures try to sway you. Join us to learn how you can move beyond external validation, live from your core, and start showing up as your authentic self in all your relationships.You find Riley Hope's "Not My Job" streaming information here: https://linktr.ee/rileyhopematlock (https://linktr.ee/rileyhopematlock?fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAaYzarlAmutQXlBR1VlrM3k2lH0iDyAN1nIGXsfSaJXIhORFAWo45BVTwEs_aem_ORrixL2BCaZqk3lFhpl-wQ)00:00 Introduction and Welcome00:17 Listener Engagement and Social Media01:13 Riley Hope's Anthem01:38 Evander's Story Begins02:32 The Social Club Dilemma04:02 Sam's Concerns and Evander's Changes06:35 Tony's Personal Reflection11:48 Understanding Integrity and Character17:51 Tom and Jerry: A Case Study29:10 Navigating Relationships with Integrity34:53 Navigating Integrity and Character in Relationships35:18 Challenges for the Pathologically Kind Person37:47 Understanding Emotional Immaturity and Narcissism46:12 Pat and Chris: Real-Life Scenarios53:31 Breaking Free: Strategies for Pat01:01:31 Constructing the Crucible for Personal Growth01:08:46 Final Thoughts on Integrity and Self-Discovery

    1h 15m

  2. 23 OCT

    Navigating Societal Expectations, Faith Crisis and Personal Growth - the Allegory “Off the Beaten Path”

    Tony Overbay, LMFT explores themes of faith journeys, parental expectations, communication, differentiation, and self-discovery through an allegorical story titled 'Off the Beaten Path: Finding Love and Self in a World of Conformity.' The narrative follows a young man named Ansel, who grapples with societal expectations, familial pressures, and his journey toward self-acceptance. Through meaningful encounters and introspection, Ansel learns to embrace his individuality amidst traditional, religious, and cultural norms. This episode also highlights the importance of personal integrity the challenges of navigating faith and family systems, and encourages listeners to explore their unique talents and values. Tony invites the audience to share their stories and questions about their own faith and family journeys for future episodes.00:00 Welcome and Introduction01:17 “Not My Job” song by: Riley Hope02:48 The Power of Writing and Poetry05:26 Exploring Allegories06:44 Off the Beaten Path: Ansul's Journey Begins12:14 Ansul's Struggles and Self-Discovery16:17 Meeting Maris: A New Connection17:52 Seeking Guidance: Ansul's Dilemma18:31 Ansul's Realization and Self-Acceptance19:00 Building a Relationship with Maris20:42 Themes of the Allegory: Individuality vs. Conformity22:32 Exploring Faith and Doubt22:53 Coming of Age and Self-Discovery23:30 Truth, Knowledge, and Intergenerational Expectations25:34 Curiosity, Love, and Acceptance26:38 Personal Growth Through Discomfort27:19 Diversity of Thought and Self-Acceptance29:24 Navigating Difficult Journeys of Faith and Family31:00 Encouragement for Personal Growth and Authenticity33:02 Conclusion and Call to ActionIf you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP://www.tonyoverbay.comIf you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP:www.tonyoverbay.com

    35 min

  3. 14 OCT

    When Advice Goes Wrong: The Impact of Inaccurate Guidance in Narcissistic Relationship

    Tony Overbay, LMFT, discusses the potentially harmful effects of an article titled “What Is Disarming A Narcissist? 12 Simple Ways To Do So” (https://tinyurl.com/2u8d7sjb (https://tinyurl.com/2u8d7sjb)) that oversimplifies interactions with narcissists. He distinguishes between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the broader spectrum of emotional immaturity, emphasizing the small percentage of diagnosed cases of narcissistic personality disorder. Tony critiques the casual and inflated use of the term 'narcissist' and clarifies that real narcissism and emotional immaturity come with significant implications in relationships. He breaks down the common traits of emotional immaturity, such as anger management issues and lack of accountability, and stresses the need to understand one's emotional maturity level. Tony also passionately refutes a technique involving empathy as a means to reach narcissists, highlighting its ineffectiveness and potential harm. This episode provides invaluable insights into protecting oneself from narcissistic abuse, the importance of setting healthy boundaries, and the journey toward emotional growth.00:00 Introduction to Narcissism and Emotional Immaturity01:44 Understanding Emotional Immaturity05:49 The Spectrum of Emotional Maturity06:55 A Personal Anecdote on Emotional Maturity11:07 Exploring Empathy and Narcissism15:45 Critique of Simplistic Solutions for Narcissism18:52 The Complexity of Narcissistic Relationships22:55 Ineffective Communication Strategies with Narcissists25:42 Understanding Narcissistic Supply27:03 Disarming a Narcissist: Tips and Challenges29:39 The Complexity of Empathy with Narcissists33:57 The Path to Differentiation and Self-Care46:54 Concluding Thoughts on NarcissismIf you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP://www.tonyoverbay.comIf you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP:www.tonyoverbay.com

    49 min

  4. 1 OCT

    Understanding the "Attack Surface" in Narcissistic /Emotionally Immature Relationships (When Vulnerability Goes Bad!)

    Have you ever opened up to someone, only to have your vulnerability used against you? In this episode of Waking Up to Narcissism, we introduce the concept of the “attack surface”—that uncomfortable dynamic where emotionally immature or narcissistic partners turn your honesty into their weapon of control. We’ll also explore how this need for control originates from emotional immaturity, dive into the origin story of our deep-seated fear of abandonment, and discuss practical ways to develop your emotional maturity. From separating observations from judgments to the 4 Points of Balance in differentiation, this episode offers tools to help you confront unresolved personal issues in relationships with integrity and create healthier, more connected interactions.Are you in the mental health profession and are curious about using AI (artificial intelligence) notes? Check out Berries, the notes Tony described in today's episode. Click here https://berries.icu/?code=4952 (https://igafnl.com/click?redirect=https%3A%2F%2Fberries.icu%2F%3Fcode%3D4952&dID=1727268659955&hashId=22b4405666b1958ec65dad9a9090847193a1ac3ebdae8557d1a08a8ed84ee86d87a658&linkName=https://berries.icu/?code=4952) Or use code Tony50 when you sign up to get $50 off your first month of Berries revolutionary AI, HIPPA-compliant mental health notes. If you are interested in seeing an example of a note, email tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com.00:00 Introduction and Welcome00:18 Speaking Engagements and Personal Anecdotes03:13 The Concept of Attack Surface11:36 Real-Life Example: Alex and Taylor15:03 Understanding Emotional Immaturity22:39 Control as a Defense Mechanism26:57 Origins of Fear and Emotional Abandonment28:02 Example Scenario: Jamie and Sam29:09 Sam's Fear and Defensive Reactions31:00 The Impact of Emotional Immaturity38:21 Observations vs. Judgments42:08 Developing Emotional Maturity45:22 The Four Points of Balance49:55 Confronting Personal Issues with IntegrityIf you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP://www.tonyoverbay.comIf you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP:www.tonyoverbay.com

    53 min

  5. 21 SEPT

    How Much Gaslighting Does a Gaslighter Gaslight if a Gaslighter Doesn’t Know They Gaslight? - Part 2

    Have you ever felt like you're losing your grip on reality in a relationship? Does your partner's behavior leave you constantly second-guessing yourself? You might be experiencing gaslighting, a form of emotional manipulation that can shake the very foundations of your self-perception. In part 2 of “Gaslighting’s Greatest Hits: The Top Lies You Believed About Yourself”, we dive deep into the murky waters of gaslighting, exploring everything from unintentional mind games to deliberate, narcissistic abuse. Tony unpacks real-life examples of gaslighting in action, decodes the tactics of emotional immaturity, and sheds light on the narcissistic traits that fuel this behavior. You'll learn how to spot the signs of gaslighting, understand its impact on your psyche, and discover strategies to break free from its grip. Whether you're dealing with a 'nice guy' trapped in a cycle of silent suffering or navigating a relationship with an emotionally immature partner, this episode offers invaluable insights and practical advice. 00:00 Introduction and Gaslighting Jokes00:28 Welcome to Episode 12000:36 Recap of Previous Gaslighting Episode02:08 Introduction to Gaslighting Basics02:31 Understanding Emotional Immaturity05:26 Types of Gaslighting05:45 Unaware Gaslighting16:40 Feeling Like Something's Off17:15 Marker20:15 Knowing It's Wrong but Not Seriously Harmful25:13 Gaslighting Tactics Unveiled25:44 Emma's Story: A Case of Workplace Gaslighting28:30 The Nice Guy Syndrome: Tom's Struggle36:45 The Abusive Partner: Jack and Diane38:34 Projection: A Deep Dive42:03 Narcissistic Double Standards45:45 Recognizing and Reclaiming Your LifeIf you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.comIf you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.com (https://www.tonyoverbay.com/)

    49 min

  6. 11 SEPT

    Pathological Kindness: When Caring, Trying, and Empathizing Too Much Can Be Bad For Your Health

    Do you find yourself constantly putting others' needs before your own? Have you ever wondered if being "too kind" could actually be harmful to your relationships and well-being? In today’s crossover episode - Tony Overbay, a licensed marriage and family therapist, explores the complex concept of pathological kindness in relationships. Through a listener's letter from 'Cleo,' Tony delves into the challenges faced by those who prioritize others' needs to their detriment, often rooted in childhood experiences of being the family peacemaker. Cleo's story highlights issues with her emotionally inconsistent partner, Ray, unveiling the struggles of living with someone emotionally immature or narcissistic. Tony discusses recognizing these patterns, including the role of cognitive dissonance and trauma bonding in maintaining unhealthy relationships. He explores how highly sensitive people (HSPs) may be particularly vulnerable to these dynamics. The episode emphasizes the importance of developing a stable core identity, setting boundaries, and balancing kindness with self-care. Tony also touches on the challenges of breaking free from intermittent reinforcement in relationships and recognizing and trusting one's own perceptions. He stresses the role of therapy and self-awareness in breaking free from unhealthy cycles and fostering emotionally mature relationships while also offering hope to those who recognize themselves as the emotionally immature partner and want to change.00:00 Introduction and Podcast Promotion01:19 Introducing Cleo's Story03:16 Cleo's Relationship Struggles10:38 Understanding Pathological Kindness16:28 The Impact of Pathological Kindness21:36 Balancing Kindness and Self-Care25:09 Exploring Self-Reliance and Its Pitfalls25:24 The Dual Nature of Optimism25:40 Understanding Humility and Self-Deprecation26:26 The Complexities of Honesty27:09 Patience vs. Passivity27:24 Competence and Arrogance28:00 Cleo's Relationship with Ray29:04 The Struggle of Highly Sensitive People29:48 The Challenge of Leaving Toxic Relationships33:23 The Cognitive Dissonance and Trauma Bonding45:04 The Importance of Self-Care and Boundaries46:03 Encouragement for Personal GrowthIf you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.

    49 min

  7. 3 SEPT

    Emotional Survival Tips: Responding to Crisis in Narcissistic Relationships

    Tony Overbay, LMFT, delivers an emergency bonus episode addressing a heartfelt listener email. The episode discusses cognitive dissonance, gaslighting, emotional abuse, scapegoating, and trauma bonding often experienced in relationships with narcissists. Tony breaks down the listener's experiences, offering insight into their struggles, including emotional manipulations and prolonged emotional trauma. He emphasizes the importance of recognizing these abusive patterns, seeking help from therapists specializing in narcissistic abuse, and prioritizing self-care and self-compassion. The episode revisits key concepts like whole object relations, object constancy, and cognitive dissonance, encouraging listeners to strive for emotional intelligence and balanced relationships.00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview00:21 Emergency Bonus Episode Announcement01:14 Reading and Analyzing a Listener's Email04:25 Understanding Gaslighting and Emotional Abuse12:08 Cognitive Dissonance in Relationships16:57 Whole Object Relations and Object Constancy21:10 Understanding Cognitive Dissonance21:59 Balancing Good and Bad in Relationships23:11 Empowerment Through Clarity24:36 Navigating Emotional Trauma25:49 The Narcissist's Manipulative Tactics28:20 Therapy and Emotional Manipulation31:21 Breaking Free from Trauma Bonds33:58 Self-Reflection and Sanity39:03 Seeking Help and Moving ForwardIf you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.comIf you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.com (https://www.tonyoverbay.com/)

    42 min

  8. 21 AUG

    Gaslighting's Greatest Hits: The Top Lies You Believed About Yourself

    Have you ever felt like you were constantly walking on eggshells, desperately trying to prove your worth in a relationship, only to realize later you were never the problem to begin with? ...

    51 min
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  • Based on the overwhelming amount of feedback from the "Waking Up to Narcissism" podcast, particularly in the form of questions, Tony Overbay, a licensed marriage and family therapist, answers listener questions specifically related to narcissism, narcissistic traits and tendencies, and emotional immaturity in relationships. A percentage of the proceeds of the podcast will go toward helping people in narcissistic or severe emotionally immature relationships receive help in the form of counseling, legal and moving costs, and providing additional tools to help people rediscover their self-worth, and learn how to successfully find their voice, their sense of purpose and understand that everybody has the right to their own opinion, experience and goals out of life.

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"Waking Up to Narcissism" is a podcast hosted by Tony Overbay, LMFT, host of the award-winning Virtual Couch podcast, dedicated to helping individuals recognize and navigate narcissistic traits and tendencies in their relationships and within themselves. With a focus on emotional immaturity versus narcissism, Tony provides tools and guidance for personal growth and managing relationships with narcissistic or emotionally immature individuals, even if that individual is you!

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