DIABOLICAL: Evil Schemes Done Better ABCG Studios

“You simply must introduce me to that pile of rats”
The panel of peril down a big glass of red wine and eat a plate of delicious, steamed broccoli and roasted garlic before taking in this week’s film Bram Stoker’s Dracula (Francis Ford Coppola, 1992).
Count Dracula (Gary Oldman) is an elderly gent rattling around in his large home, pining after his lost love Elisabeta (Winona Ryder). When solicitor Jonathon Harker (Keanu Reeves) turns up at his gaff to seal a London property deal, he sees that Harker’s bride to be Mina Murray (also Ryder) is the reincarnation of his centuries dead love. Can the Count win the heart of Murray or will Harker wed her as planned?
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgFPIh5mvNc
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
He’s a vampire! Blah! Dracula has travelled oceans of time to find Mina and nothing will stop him from being with her now. Snacking on her best friend Lucy (Sadie Frost), avoiding blood expert Abraham Van Helsing (Anthony Hopkins) and manipulating henchman Renfield (Tom Waits), it seems as though ol’ Drac has every base covered. Will he make off with a new bride, or will a stake be put through his ambitions?
What the actual flip did the panel make of this one? How the actual flip can they improve upon Count Dracula’s bloody scheme? And who the actual flip will be victorious in this week’s competition?
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“A haiku?”
Fighting their way past a load of goons, down a narrow corridor, the panel of peril struggle to make any headway. Finally finishing off the last of the lads (no laughing at the back there!), they slump in their chair exhausted and watch this week’s film Oldboy (Park Chan-wook, 2003).
Oh Dae-su (Choi Min-sik) is a bit of a d-bag. A drunken, irresponsible, womanising d-bag, to be specific. When he is inexplicably locked up in a single room for 15 years, by a cash-rich lad named Lee Woo-jin (Yoo Ji-tae) as it turns out, he changes his ways and becomes a stoic killing machine. Why was he imprisoned, and just how does new flame Mi-do (Kang Hye-jeong) fit into this intricate puzzle?
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBNBpNcuQHI
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
Turns out that during their time at Evergreen, Dae-su started a scurrilous rumour that Woo-jin was having an incestuous affair with his own sister Soo-ah (Yoon Jin-seo). That rumour snowballed to the point that Soo-ah took her own life and led her broken-hearted brother on a path of long game vengeance. To tell all would be a spoiler too far. Who will come out on top of this tragic tussle and what will be left of them?
Just what did the panel think of this week’s movie, pray tell? How can they improve upon Woo-jin’s deliberate machinations? And who will be christened this week’s most diabolical?
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“Here lies Will Carling, the rugby guy who sh@gg3d Diana”
The panel of peril try to wrangle their pigs into the pigpen but repeatedly fall over and get all muddy. They shower off at the water hole and decide to watch a film instead: Unforgiven (Clint Eastwood, 1992).
1880: Ex-outlaw Bill Munny (Eastwood) was a bad, bad man before settling down and becoming a family man. He’d happily off women and children in his pursuit of dough alongside buddy Ned Logan (Morgan Freeman), and now he is drawn back into that world by the Schofield Kid (Jaimz Woolvet). Pursuing a bounty put on the heads of two lads who have scarred up a sex worker’s face. Will Munny claim the  bounty? One man stands in his way – unscrupulous Sheriff Little Bill (Gene Hackman).
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftTX4FoBWlE
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
Little Bill is no fan of bounty hunters, gun slingers, ‘n’ outlaws. Just as quickly as they arrive in the town of big Whiskey, Bill is kicking the tar out of them and sending them on their merry way. Will Bill, Ned and the Kid be able to circumnavigate the control freak lawman, and will the claiming of the bounty cost them more than they stand to gain?
What did the heck panel think of this week’s movie? How in all that is holy can they improve upon the villain’s masterplan? And which evil schemer will be christened this week’s most diabolical?
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“He's not rump; he's tripe”
The panel of peril finish inspecting the last of the cow’s udders on the farm they’re working on and head home to watch this week’s film Napoleon Dynamite (Jared Hess, 2004).
Napoleon (Jon Heder) is a typical teen: he lives with his Grandma (Sandy Martin), brother Kip (Aaron Ruell), and an alpaca named Tina. He enjoys doing sweet jumps on bikes, sketching mythical creatures of his own creation, and catching delicious bass’ for romantic targets. But when Uncle Rico (Jon Gries) moves in, it really puts the liger amongst the pigeons.
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHDi_AnqwN4
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
Old Rico isn’t a massive fan of Napoleon. He mocks him to his face, and throws a steak in his face… probably also makes fun of his face off screen. He’s also stuck in the past and desperate to make moolah by any means necessary, whether that be by selling shoddy Tupperware, herbal enhancers, or simply investing in the nascent science of time travel.
Just what did the panel think of this week’s movie? How can they improve upon Rico’s cash grabbing scheme? And who will be christened this week’s most diabolical?
Peluca: the original Napoleon Dynamite short film can be seen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SeTfcj3UKI
Finally! PORTABLE chopsticks: https://zenminded.uk/products/snow-peak-wabuki-chopsticks-large
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“Can we all agree now that it makes more sense than Kurgan being Ric Flair in a carpark'”
The panel of peril stand about a bit as a battle rages around them; no one will fight them for some reason. As they are clearly too ‘ard for the other combatants, they head home to watch this week’s film Highlander (Russell Mulcahy, 1986).
Connor Macleod (Christopher Lambert) can only be killed by the act of decapitation (preferably by sword). He is a member of an exclusive band of centuries-old Immortals who await the Gathering, at which they will fight to the end, and after which there can be only one. Guided by mentor Ramirez (Sean Connery), can Macleod survive to the bitter end and take out arch-nemesis The Kurgan (Clancy Brown)?
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omOZyLmNMJs
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
The Kurgan is out for more than just the world domination his final victory would surely guarantee. He wants revenge for the scar Connor’s mentor gave him across the length of his neck, a constant reminder of his near defeat. Each man cuts a swathe through the other Immortals as they march towards a final confrontation in New York City and the prize of The Quickening!
Just what did the panel think of this week’s movie? How can they improve upon The Kurgan’s bulldozer-style plan? And who will be christened this week’s most diabolical?
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“Sh!t happens, wocka wocka!”
The panel of peril take a chunk a meat from the salt barrel, a tot of rum from the rum barrel, and a film from the DVD barrel. That film is Muppet Treasure Island (Brian Henson, 1996), and we settle in to watch with this week’s special guest Nemonie Craven!
Jim Hawkins (Kevin Bishop) has in his possession a certain map. That map leads to a certain island. A treasure island, in fact. Flanked by Gonzo (Dave Goelz) and Rizzo (Steve Whitmere) they embark on the good ship Hispaniola to find this mysterious isle. Captained by the ‘fiery’ Kermit the Frog (also Steve Whitmere), will the ship sail true to treasure, or is there villainy afoot?
Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-37gsH0ideE
********PLOT SPOILER ALERT********
Also aboard is Long John Silver (Tim Curry) who befriends young Jim in order to get his mucky mits on the precious map. Will the youngster and his felt friends stay one step ahead of the one-legged ne’er-do-well, or will Jim and the gang be cast into the briny for their troubles?
What did the panel think of this week’s movie? How can they improve upon the villain’s masterplan? And what book does Nemonie think would benefit from the Muppet treatment?
A taster of Grand Theft Hamlet: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5d9wdw-usk
A link for Marlow’s Landing: Marlow's Landing: A John Murray Original (JM Originals): Amazon.co.uk: Vieira, Toby: 9781473633179: Books
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