Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast Leslie Cohen-Rubury

Today’s is a special episode focusing on sibling dynamics. We take a break from our typical therapy sessions to talk to Leslie’s 34-year-old twins, Dale and Carrie. Together they share in an open and honest conversation the challenges of being themselves and being in relationship with each other. Dale had intense emotions and challenging behaviors as a kid, and doesn’t understand how Carrie didn’t hate her, or at the very least resent her. Carrie was easy going and flexible, and she grew up wondering if there was something wrong with her. In this dialogue we look at how complex sibling relationships can be. What happens when one sibling has higher needs than the other? How do parents balance the needs of each child when helping one can actually hurt the other? Hear what Dale and Carrie reveal about the evolution of their relationship not just as siblings, but as twins, from childhood to adulthood.



About our guests: 
Dale Rubury is excited to be back on Is My Child A Monster? as she was a producer and special guest in Season 1. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years, she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently enrolled in a graduate program to become a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.  
Carrie's passion for exploring humanity, in all its messiness and wonder, has driven her career. Her career has led her across the globe, working in Latin America and Africa, and across various industries, from public relations and restaurants to leadership development and healthcare. Carrie continued to follow her curiosity about how people change and grow into graduate school to earn her MSW. Carrie is currently working as a clinical social worker in a community practice in upstate New York. She lives with her husband and dog, Lou. Outside of work, she is likely cooking with friends or adventuring in some wilderness. 

Resources:
Leslie’s Handout on The Need to Feel Significant 
Leslei’s Handout on The Need to Feel a Sense of Belonging
Is My Child a Monster?  S1 Ep 14 The Apology Episode with Special Guest Dale Rubury



Leslie’s video of the Orchestra Metaphor which teaches us  to respect people for who they are



Leslie-ism: All children need to feel like unique individuals and also need to feel like they belong.




Timestamps:
1:53 The metaphor of a mobile: a family systems perspective where all family members impact each other 10:17 For the low needs child you can explain that “It's hard being [the sibling with anxiety], and it's hard being you”12:26 Holding the dialectic dilemma: “I love her and am also angry at her”16:30 The empathy issue for children - when a child is young and struggling, they may not be able to understand the other person’s perspective 17:47 Give the problem back to the child who is being mean  It’s Dale’s problem, not Carrie’sGive compassion to the child who is struggling in the moment Connect to the child who is the “victim”

This is the second half of the final session with Molly and Alastair. Their kids, Katherine (4) and Elizabeth (8), are benefitting from the changes that their parents are making at home. As parents we want quick behavior fixes, but let’s not underestimate the power and impact that modeling behavior has on children. Molly and Alastair are no different. Leslie’s focus on the parents helped them realize that  anxiety exists in the family—from the grandparents, to the parents, to the children themselves. Together, they face these generational patterns head-on. It’s often surprising how anxiety can fly under the radar for everyone in a family, but it’s a significant factor in raising kids, so how can we better identify it and, more importantly, learn to manage it.



Time Stamps
5:25 Myth are mistaken beliefs that we may have learns from childhood or societyIt’s not ok to experience the natural consequences because its too painfulIt’s my responsibility to make sure everything goes “right”If something goes wrong, someone is going to be blamed. It has to be someone’s faultIt’s your job to make sure everyone has to be happy7:03 Generational anxiety - stop the cycle7:55 Dichotomous thinking of seeing things as right or wrong, good or bad. Use the phrase: That’s your version,  this is my version.10:20 Find another interpretation skill - to teach that there are other perspectives11:15 Molly added the expression:  Don’t yuk someone else’s yum14:55 Wanting everything to go right is a way of expressing anxiety16:10 Compassion is an effective way of dealing with one’s anxiety18:10 Preparing our children to handle the uncomfortable situations (see The coping skills toolbox for Anxiety in show notes below)19:50 Various ways that Anxiety presents itselfSuppress it, avoid, procrastinate, go into a holeGet into a frenzy, ruminating, making sure everything is “right"21:55 Modeling for your children willingness to be vulnerable and willingness to be uncomfortable.Choose your long term value as a guide for the dialectic dilemmas

Resources:  
Handout on The Coping Skills Toolbox for AnxietyVideo of The Coping Skills Toolbox for AnxietyHandout on When Being Right is not Effective:  How dichotomous thinking can be problematic.Dialectic Behavior Therapy Handouts: Myths that get in the way of Interpersonal EffectivenessMyths about Emotions

Leslie-ism: Teach different perspectives by saying, “that's your version and this is my version”.


For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.
Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and 

Today’s episode is the third session with Molly and Alastair where things take a turn inward. Molly and Alastair first contacted Leslie to get help with their two daughters, 8 year old Elizabeth and 4 year old Catherine but in the process began to face their own struggles with their belief systems and expectations.  In addition, in this session Molly and Alastair face the complexities of family communication and interactions. This episode throws a spotlight on the delicate dance of respecting different parenting styles. Leslie shares strategies to increase effective communication in their relationship.  In this heart-to-heart conversation you are bound to feel a shift in their perspective and possibly a shift in your own perspective as well.



Time Stamps
3:00 When the parents “gives more” the child ends up cooperating more4:30 Connection = mutual respect = trust5:03 Refocusing from the “end goal” to the present moment5:17 Children remind us to be in the present moment6:50 As a parent your battery gets worn down Worry and stress about kids getting alongDesire to do things right causes us stress9:50 Parents avoidance to letting the child get upset11:30 Generational myth to make sure everyone is happy11:50 Kids relax when parents aren’t constantly trying to fix them.12:30 Parents are learning to get used to when the kids are upset with each other or with you.13:25 When the second parent steps in to the interaction between a parent and a child. Ways to step in:You can say “Is that working for you” come in with a neutral non-judgmental stanceYou can say “I notice there is a bit of a struggle” You can say “Can I be of help to either of you?”19:30 Doing things the right way and letting go of wanting to be right  21:08 Find the positive intention of another person’s behavior26:05 Accurate communication: Put words to those chaotic moments - Narrate it One minute check inExpect and accept the bumps and rough spots in parenting Molly’s idea of naming the “unicorn parent” who is the parent on point

Resources:  
Handout on When Being Right is not Effective:  How dichotomous thinking can be problematic.Handout on Seeing the Positive Intention of Another Person’s Behavior

Leslie-ism: When you want to step in, pause and ask your partner, “is there anything I can do to help?”


For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.
Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This episode is part two of three sessions with parents Molly and Alastair. Last week Leslie focused on the sibling dynamics between their daughters, 8-year-old Elizabeth and 4-year-old Katherine. This week we focus on a different kind of dynamic: the power struggle. In the fight for power between child and parent, Leslie offers an alternative: stop struggling for power and put an end to the power struggles. In this episode Leslie discusses identifying the problem behind the struggle, what the problem really is, whose problem is it, and learning to ask: can we try that again?


Time Stamps:
5:02 Whose problem is it? Is it the child’s problem or is it the parent’s problem7:07 Definition of power struggle8:15 What happens if the parent give in9:52 Example of sibling rivalry and how parents reinforce the escalation Strategies to deal with power struggles12:02 Say that you need a moment (to get into wise mind)12:39 Engage your child in the problem solving process 12:54 Do a pros and cons13:34 Notice and name what’s going on14:12 Use the phrase “try it again”15:20 How to give the problem back to your child19:39 Go below the surface - Restate child’s blaming statement into naming the underlying emotion23:10 Parenting using “try it again” between the parents27:31 If I had the superpower of mindreading - add levity to a situation and tapping into your child’s imagination27:40 Mindreading is known as a problematic thinking problem28:23 Again - give the problem back to your child30:05 Stop and acknowledge when your child gets through a struggle - reinforce that they did it!!32:21 How to gain some distance and perspective on past experiences so you don’t end up re-experiencing35:20 Naming the dialectic dilemma and identifying priorities36:10 Understanding how to find a synthesis as a solution to a dialectic dilemma

Resources:  
Handout titled:  Whose Problem is it?Handout on choosing between power over, power under and personal power belief system

Leslie-ism: When you don’t like a Child’s response use the phrase “Try Again” 


For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.


Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part one of the three part series with Molly and Alastair. These parents have 2 children who are very different. Elizabeth is 8 years old and is an easy going kid. Katherine is a high energy 4 year old with intense emotions and more challenging behaviors. While the parents originally reached out to Leslie for help with their youngest, this episode ended up focusing a little more on their eldest. How exactly can a parent make sure they’re still there for a child when they don’t need literal support? Turns out children may not need the same level of support but they do need the same level of connection. Leslie also discusses sibling dynamics, the myth of the “oldest sibling,” mom guilt, and more. 





Time Stamps


8:30 Birth order traits - the oldest daughter who feels responsible for the younger sibling8:44 Pet peeve when parents say “YOU are the big sister” Or “you should act like the big sister”Tuning into our children - leads to strong attachments Observing our children help children feel like their parents see them and understand them12:55 Name the dilemmas - you want to take care of your sister AND you want to play with your own friends15:11 Metaphor of needing to go shopping, but prioritizing which store you can make it to today vs next shopping trip (drugstore, shoe store and grocery store)15:48 There is a difference between what’s important to you and what’s the priority of the moment22:07 She may not need the same level of support, but she does need the same level of connection.  25:22 The child coming from a secure, safe and validating environment is more prepared to cope with life challenges28:10 Mom’s narrative - I was the capable one29:00 How to reassure and support Elizabeth (the “easy” child)Create a tool box:29:33 Notice and name her behavior29:47 Get rid of narrative of “you are the older sister or the big sister”30:45 Validate the hard parts35:00 If I had a magic wand31:36 What happens when the parent grew up with a sibling with disabilities33:36 Save the stories of your childhood when its not in the moment of emotional upset36:01 The metaphor of instruments in an orchestra - treating each musical instrument differently38:21 Whose problem is it?39:24 Myth - it's not ok for others to be upset with me. (mom still struggles with this)

Resources:  


Newsletter on myths that may be guiding your parenting that you may want to question, titled " Have you Outgrown your Childhood Beliefs?Video: Dilemma Metaphor on how to deal with conflicting needs or wants Video: Orchestra Metaphor on how need to treat each instrument differently and with respect



Leslie-ism: Remember to use “if I had a magic wand” 





For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.


Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, 

Today’s bonus episode is with special guest Jamilah Lemieux, and it’s all about therapy. Leslie and Jamilah discuss things like figuring out when to take your child to therapy, how to find therapists for all needs, how to talk to your kids about taking them to therapy, and more  If you’re curious about therapy, for yourself or your kids or both, be sure to check out our resources. With some help, anyone can begin the journey to a better self.
About the guests: Jamilah Lemieux is an American writer, cultural critic, and editor. She rose to prominence for her blog, The Beautiful Struggler. She has worked for Ebony, Cassius Magazine, and Interactive One, part of Radio One, Inc. Lemieux currently writes a parenting column and co-hosts for Slate's Care and Feeding Podcast formerly known as Mom & Dad Are Fighting.



Resources:
Resources for finding therapyJed Foundation’s How to find  a culturally competent therapist which provides many resources for finding a therapist of colorTherapy for Black GirlsPsychology Today is a nationwide directory for therapists that can be sorted by location, insurance, specialty, and more.What Good is Therapy:  An article about the balance of insight and change as goals for therapyWhat kind of therapy do I need? A general review of the types of therapy, the types of therapists and other questionsA Glossary of Therapy Approaches and Modalities A very extensive list of the types of therapy modalities.Five Tips to Discuss Therapy with Their Child Handout by Andrea DornListen to Leslie’s guest appearances on Slate’s Mom and Dad are Fighting Podcast My Kid Refuses Therapy. I Think She Needs It   Slates parenting podcast on helping your kid feel better…and feel heard.  July 20,2023Is My Child a Monster?  Slate’s parenting podcast on what we can learn from family therapy. July 24, 2023


Leslie-ism:   Take the time to learn about therapy so you can recognize a good fit



For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences around holiday issues at Is My Child A Monster? Parenting Commu