#14 - Healing After Infidelity – Is It Possible? Synopsis: Infidelity is often a relationship deal-breaker, but not always. How to begin the healing process if infidelity has occurred, whether it was physical or emotional, and how to decide if the marriage can (and should) be saved. Episode Guide: Emotional impact of infidelity on both partners. Trust issue Low self-esteem Anxiety and depression Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) PTSSD - Post Traumatic Spiritual Stress Disorder Dr. Matthew Tanner Emotional rollercoaster Difficulty in forming attachments Impact on future relationships Coping Allow yourself to grieve Seek professional help Communicate openly Set boundaries Practice self-care Lean on supportive relationships Manage negative thoughts Allow time for healing Consider forgiveness Whether and how to rebuild trust after the affair. The unfaithful partner must: -Be honest, full disclosure about the affair, and find a way to atone or express remorse. -Deal with the traumatic feelings after the discovery and be willing to ask and answer questions. -Must end the affair -Be willing to apologize for cheating in a sincere way and promise not to repeat it -Additionally, if you are the betrayer, you must focus on transparency and restoring your partner’s faith in you. The partner who is betrayed must remember to be kind to themselves -Tail Spin moments...during these times remember that recovering from trauma of betrayal takes time. -Express your feelings to your spouse, but be sure to avoid accusations. -Avoid rehashing all of the events around the affair. -Find a way to forgive or at least accept her and work towards forgiveness. -Lastly, whatever you think or feel after experiencing infidelity is normal. Both Partners -Both partners need to talk about intense feelings respectfully without blame, judgment, criticism, and contempt. -Find a way to connect emotionally and sexually. “Without the presence of sexual intimacy, that is pleasurable to both, the relationship can’t begin again.” Be more attuned to each other and to spend regular time together. Steps for healing together or deciding to part ways. Factors to Consider When faced with infidelity, it’s essential to evaluate whether rebuilding the relationship is both possible and worth the effort. Three critical factors to consider. 1. Remorse and Accountability: Is Your Partner Taking Responsibility for Their Actions? Signs of Genuine Remorse: • Acknowledging the harm caused without deflecting blame. • Offering sincere apologies without excuses. • Expressing a willingness to answer questions about the affair. Actions That Show Accountability: • Cutting off contact with the third party completely. • Being transparent about their whereabouts, social media, and interactions. • Actively participating in rebuilding trust through therapy or other means. If your partner minimises the affair, shifts blame onto you, or refuses to discuss the situation, it’s unlikely that the relationship can be repaired. 2. Willingness to Rebuild: Are Both Partners Committed to Making Changes? What Rebuilding Looks Like: For the Betraying Partner: Taking initiative to rebuild trust, showing patience with their partner’s healing process, and addressing the root causes of their behaviour. For the Betrayed Partner: Being open to the possibility of forgiveness and working toward emotional healing, even if it’s slow and difficult. Questions to Reflect On: • Are both of you willing to attend therapy, individually or as a couple? • Is your partner open to discussing boundaries and making necessary changes? • Are you both invested in improving communication and addressing long-standing issues? If one or both partners are unwilling to make these efforts, it may indicate that staying together isn’t the best path forward. 3. Personal Well-Being: Do You Feel Emotionally Capable of Continuing in the Relationship? While your partner’s actions and willingness to rebuild are essential, your emotional well-being is equally important. Staying in the relationship should not come at the expense of your mental health or personal growth. • Are you emotionally capable of forgiving? • Do you feel safe and valued in the relationship? • Are you able to trust your partner again, even with time and effort? Steps to Help You Decide If you’re still unsure about staying or leaving, the following steps can provide clarity and help you make an informed decision. 1. Reflect on the Relationship as a Whole Take an honest look at your relationship beyond the affair. Were there pre-existing issues, or was the relationship strong before the betrayal? Identifying patterns can help you determine whether the relationship has the foundation to recover. 2. Seek Support Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can provide valuable perspective. 3. Give Yourself Time You don’t have to decide immediately. Allow yourself time If You Choose to Stay 1. Rebuild Trust Gradually: Take small steps to re-establish transparency and accountability. 2. Focus on Emotional Intimacy: Strengthen your bond through open communication, shared activities, and vulnerability. 3. Address Underlying Issues: Explore the reasons behind the affair and work together to prevent similar issues in the future. If You Choose to Leave 1. Prioritise Your Healing: Therapy or self-reflection to process the grief and rebuild your sense of self. 2. Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with your ex-partner to ensure a clean break and protect your well-being. 3. Embrace New Beginnings: Use this opportunity to rediscover your passions, interests, and goals outside the relationship. Common Myths About Staying or Leaving Myth No.1: “Leaving is the only way to regain self-respect.” Truth: Many couples rebuild stronger relationships after infidelity, and staying can be an empowering choice if it aligns with your needs and values. Myth No.2: “Forgiving means forgetting.” Truth: Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing the behaviour—it means choosing to move forward without being burdened by anger or resentment. Conclusion Deciding whether to stay or leave after infidelity is deeply personal and requires careful consideration of your emotional health, your partner’s actions, and the potential for rebuilding. Whether you choose to repair the relationship or part ways, prioritising your well-being and making an informed choice are key.
