Ever set a boundary only to cave, over-explain, or feel guilty? You’re not alone, queen. In this episode, I break down the #1 boundary mistake women make after narcissistic abuse — and give you a 3-step fix to finally protect your peace. Because girl, you look good in peace. ✨👑 ✨ Links & Resources for Your Royal Glow-Up: 👑 Copy.Paste.Peace Scripts (special listener price!) → https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copypeacepastescripts/ 🌸 Enroll in the Empowered Boundaries Course → https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/ 💖 Apply for 1:1 Coaching with Christy → https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/ 🌺 Join the Free Facebook Support Group → https://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989 ✨ Stay Connected: 🎧 Follow the show so you never miss a new episode! 📲 Share this episode with a fellow queen who needs boundary confidence today. -----TRANSCRIPT------ Speaker 1 (00:00): Have you ever set a boundary only to cave in, feel guilty or overexplain yourself? If that is you, queen, this episode is your wake up call. I'm going to break down the number one boundary mistake women make after narcissistic abuse and how to fix it so you can finally protect your piece. Because girl, you look good in peace. Did anyone ever tell you that? All right, stay close. Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom, and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and had to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted. (00:59) Now, I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself. Again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up. Alright, welcome back to the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Podcast. Now, I know you've probably tried setting boundaries before, maybe rehearsed what to say, but if you're second guessing, caving or walking away actually feeling worse instead of stronger, you are not alone. And here's the truth. It's not because weak or broken. It's because most of us we're taught boundaries the wrong way. So today I'm going to reveal the number one mistake I see over and over and give you a little three step fix that you can use right away. (02:00) How's that sound? Good? Alright. So first of all, the number one boundary mistake that's costing your peace is this treating boundaries like a one time announcement instead of a daily practice in kind of a way of life. So here's what happens. You finally build the courage to say, no, I can't do that, or I won't do that, or I need some space, right? You feel empowered until the other person pushes back, right? Maybe they get angry, maybe they guilt trip you. I can get a what? I've been through that one. Maybe they act confused or pretend they don't hear you, and suddenly it all kicks it up, right? The guilt comes in, doubt creeps in. You're asking, wait, am I being too harsh? Am I wrong for needing this? Maybe I should just let it go. And before you know it, you have caved or over explained or have said, okay, just this once, right? (03:06) One more chance, one more. You sound familiar though. It's okay if it does. Don't beat yourself up. You're not failing a boundaries, okay? You're just stuck in the trap of seeing them as a single moment instead of this living practice that you hold every day. So how do you fix this? How do you move from the wobbly guilt ridden boundaries to the ones that actually protect your piece? So here's my little three step quick fix. Number one, decide before you declare. Don't rush into announcing a boundary because you feel the pressure to, or you're having an empowered big moment. Don't go on an emotional announcement. You want to first get crystal clear with yourself. (04:01) Ask, what do I actually need here? What behavior am I no longer willing to accept? So ask yourself those two things. Maybe you want to pause and even write these questions down. What do I actually need here in this situation? What behavior am I no longer willing to accept? And that could be in this situation, that could be just in general with this person or with anybody. If you're trying to set boundaries all across the board, maybe you have not just your ex co-parenting with, but you realize you have a lot of friends that are controlling too. What are you no longer going to accept from everybody? Right? This could be specific or broader. So when you're solid inside and you have that clarity, you'll project your confidence more on the outside. Okay? So you're going to decide before you declare the boundary and you're going to really get clear, but not jump in emotionally to that decision. (05:10) Number two, girl, I'm somatic anchor in your body. That's where the somatic work shines. So close your eyes, take a few breaths and picture yourself calmly holding that line. Okay? So imagine your posture. What does it feel like? Your shoulders, back, chest up, chin up, crown on your tone. Imagine how you're saying it. So that would most commonly be calm, not yelling, not sounding like a crazy wild animal. Okay? Steady breathing, calm tone. You can sound firm without sounding attitude or whatever. Keep emotions out of it, okay? The more your nervous system practices safety in advance by doing these kind of visualizations, the easier it is to stay grounded when you actually do this. So you can close your eyes, breathe and imagine yourself. If you're not someone who's visual, just think about it. Think about what it would be like, how you'll stand, how your breath will be, how you'll feel. (06:42) Not all jittery and crazy, and shoulders up to your ears, right? Namaste, Namaste. Say with me. Namaste. Okay, so you've got the body cooperating now. Now, step three, restate, don't retreat. So once you've had the clarity of the boundary, you're declaring, you've anchored in your body and declared what that is, when and if, which is with narcissists, usually push back. The key is to not argue or over explain. You calmly restate your boundary. That's it. There's no apologies, there's no questioning yourself or seeming not confident about what you're saying. This is your truth. This is what you've decided. That's why you take the time to make sure you know what you need and you know what you're no longer willing to accept, right? So no apologizing, no long essays about why or, well, if you do this, and I do that, no back and forth, no emotion. (07:56) If you haven't listened to my Gray Rock episodes, I believe there are two of them. Go listen to my Gray Rock episodes. This is a perfect example. You want it short, sweet, to the point, no emotion. Okay? So an example. You could say, I'm not available for this conversation if they keep pressing you calmly repeat, as I said, I'm not available for this conversation. End of story. Don't take their bait. They want you to get flustered. They want you, obviously they want you to cave right? They want you to question yourself, but you're a new you. You're U2 0.0, queen B, okay? And you're not here for it. You're just, it's a one sentence, sir, I'm not available for this conversation. There are also, by the way, I've just on side note, I have a set of scripts. I will put in the show notes that you get for a special price. (09:04) I just made them recently and my podcast listeners, get a little special price on that. VIP baby woo woo. So go check those out. But that's how you train both yourself and others, that your boundaries are real. This is just rinse and repeat baby. Okay? Rinse and repeat. You're not questioning yourself. You're like, this is my truth, right? Let's say co-parenting is saying, someone's saying, well, I really want you to switch weekends because I got to be fed grapes on the island of Fiji and you can't do that. And you said, well, I've had plans for whatever. Okay, now they're saying you are going to do it or else, and then start threatening you. Who knows, all this shit can happen. And you say, I'm not switching weekends. And they say, but as I said, I'm not switching weekends, end of story. Obviously this isn't, don't go the other end of the earth with just being stubborn to be stubborn. (10:10) If there's a rational reason and they're asking for something, that's okay. You don't have to have boundaries up as far as if they're being rational, calm humans, which is usually 0% of the time. But hey, alright, so I've been there. I set a boundary once with a family member and the guilt really ate at me. I wanted to cave almost to make them comfortable, even though at this point, I couldn't even stand them right in conversation. But when I calmly restated the boundary, instead of backing down, it was like I finally walked away feeling stronger than I had in a really long time. I was like, holy shit, I actually did this. I actually felt strong and confident in that moment in what I was saying, and it was more beneficial. And it was like, that's it. End of story. I'm out. Seacrest out, deuces up. (11:13) That moment showed me boundaries aren't about the other person because their reaction didn't matter to me anymore. It's about honoring me, honoring us, what we need, what we no longer will take. So it doesn't matter about what they want us to do or how they want us to react, and we don't have to take the bait. This is about us. Our boundaries are for us, nobody else. So if you're nodding along thinking, yep, this is where I get stuck. Listen,
