RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way Kamini Wood

As the holiday season rolls around, it’s important to spot some tell-tale signs that a narcissist might be baiting you into drama. Remember, they thrive off chaos and the ability to control the narrative/dynamic. When they feel a loss of control, they’ll use subtle or not-so-subtle tactics to get an emotional reaction out of you.
 
Some of these might be deliberately insulting you or touching on a subject they know will provoke you into a response. This is a very manipulative tactic to gain control over you when you’re not at your best. The motives might be slightly different depending on the narcissist. It can be to simply insult you or belittle you, it might be to intimate you or to embarrass you in front of others so that they can appear superior.
 
When you lose your control, you are unintentionally giving your power to the manipulator. A narcissist is very good at making themselves out to be the victim even when they’re the ones doing the real harm to you. It can be difficult to be calm when they’ve spent years perfecting their manipulative tactics, so if you’ve fallen victim to one of their many provocations, take a step back and don’t blame yourself for ‘knowing better’. They’re years ahead in knowing how to inflict abuse!
 
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Shame has a tendency to come up a lot in our everyday lives, but so few of us actually recognize it as internalized shame or guilt. For example, we might not want to show up publicly on social media; even if it’s for a good cause like in support of a friend, your personal brand, or charity. We feel icky to even be posting. This is a form of shame that can be much more hidden and subtle.
 
What’s the difference between regret and shame? Regret can be very powerful. There can be grief involved over missed opportunities or not knowing what you know now. We experience regret when it’s over something we’ve done or failed to do. There are no ‘redos’ when it comes to regret. Once the event has passed, it has passed and we can’t go back to fix it. This ‘lack of action’ on our part continues to haunt us.
 
Shame is a deep-rooted sense of unworthiness. We experience shame when our own personal values are not being held to our standards. We also experience shame when we believe at the core there is something fundamentally wrong with ourselves. Shame often tracks to early childhood, but it doesn’t always start there. Shame can develop in adulthood as well. Shame gradually chips at our own self-esteem.
 
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Compassion and empathy tend to overlap, but they are both very different and it’s important to understand this difference; especially when it comes to setting boundaries. Empathy is the ability to put yourself into somebody else’s shoes and feel what they might be going through or even try to experience what they’re going through.
 
Compassion, on the other hand, involves recognizing someone else’s emotions and taking action to help them ease or help them through their discomfort. A good breakdown between the two is that empathy helps us understand others whereas compassion is actively channeling that empathy to soothe someone. These should not be confused with sympathy, which is an act of feeling sorry for someone.
 
There are actually different types of empathy. We have cognitive empathy, we understand other people’s emotional states as well as their perspectives. Emotional empathy involves understanding their feelings but also feeling a similar emotional response. Compassion empathy is a mix of cognitive and emotional empathy, which understands the feelings of the other person as well as being motivated to assist them through those emotions.
 
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We all know how important your boundaries are, but what happens when you have someone in your life; whether it be a family member or friend; that refuses to act within your boundaries? Boundaries are actually a reflection of how we see ourselves. For the most part, people tend to respect these boundaries when you set them, but you will have outliers who will try to gaslight you or make you feel like these boundaries are ‘too much’.
 
Are there gentle ways of telling these people no? And, how do you know if these people actually have merit in their concerns vs. it’s just them trying to test you? Whether it is genuine or not, it’s very important to pay attention to people who are not respecting your boundaries! These people are directly benefiting from you.
 
When you have someone clashing against you, take a step back and really analyze to see if this relationship has mutual respect. People who covertly violate your boundaries can be very sneaky. It can feel like you’re in a pot of water that’s slowly getting hotter and hotter. They can keep pushing you gently until you’re questioning your own world and where your true boundary line is. Do not get fooled by these types!
 
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For young children that grew up in a demanding household, it might have been especially difficult for them to ask for help. It might be because they felt embarrassed that they needed it. They had fears their parents would judge them for something they ‘should already know’ and so much more. This fear ends up translating into adulthood where adults end up fearing the same projections. They don’t want to look stupid in front of their peers or bosses so they rather stay silent than speak up. 
 
Genuinely, so many people are afraid to just ask. They’ve been taught since their youth that it wasn't safe to ask. Those who need help the most are often the ones who are too ashamed to say they need extra support. 
 
However, it’s important to de-stigmatize this. No one will judge you for asking or clarifying. No one will judge you for seeking out extra help to deal with your internal state of mind. Even the best athletes in the world have a strong and helpful support system to get the feedback they need to perform at their best level. You are no different! 
 
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After doing something offensive or unkind, people often follow it up with, “It’s just a joke.” They use this as a way to undermine your legitimate feelings and to also make light of how ‘sensitive’ you are. Don’t be fooled by the undertones of aggression! Your feelings are valid! 
 
There are different forms of humor, mockery being one of them. Mockery though is often hurtful and usually there’s a person who ends up being the butt of the joke. However, teasing someone is often much more playful and it’s a harmless banter that happens between friends. Usually teasing comes from a place of comradery or when your friend circle is poking at a shared experience. 
 
How are these two different from sarcasm? Sarcasm can be seen as a more sharper sense of wit being played. You can be more ironic or mocking a situation with a twist of wit to it. However, when being sarcastic, it usually isn’t at the expense of someone you care about. It’s used to lighten the mood and call out the obvious. 
 
It’s different to navigate between the lines of being humorous vs. being hurtful. It is all context based. When it’s teasing and sarcasm, all parties are usually onboard and are here for a good time. When it’s mockery, you know you’re getting the short end of the stick. Someone is trying to sick your boat so that others may raise and look down on you. 
 
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