Shidduch-University by Adai Ad Shidduch U

Devora Krasnianski speaks with Frannie Teitelbaum, LCSW who has helped many older singles through the shidduch journey to successful marriage. Frannie identified some challenges that the singles are having and some better ways to approach dating for marriage. We also spoke about how there isn’t anything wrong with someone who is older and not yet married, and how to support them in their shidduch journey with respect and concern.

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https://www.adaiad.org/shidduch-u⁠ ⁠

info@adaiad.org⁠

https://www.maskparents.org⁠

(This series is funded by a grant from the New York City DOVE initiative recommended by Council Member Rita Joseph)

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To reach Frannie Teitelbaum, LCSW

Call: 917-494-4993

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06:25 Why are there so many people who are not yet married

10:17 The shidduch system is broken

15:15 The expectations that people have make dating more difficult

17:57 If you want to get married, you’ll get married

18:13 Separate wants and needs

19:27 Get to know yourself

21:01 Some good things about getting married when older

27:37 Marrying someone who is not as emotionally evolved as you

34:17 What are wants and what are needs

38:20 Putting ‘externals’ on the list of wants or needs

42:52 How to support an older single

45:20 What the community can do

47:23 How money/income is impacting shidduchim

51:44 Q: Should woman be advised to downplay her intelligence or financial success

57:07 Don’t hide aspects of yourself when dating

59:25 The daters set the tone of what kind of person they’ll attract

1:00:42 Character is the most important thing to look for

1:01:22 Wrap up

Devora Krasnianski speaks with Penina Flug, LCSW who delves into the topic of setting up the marriage for success with Penina Flug, LCSW. Penina is passionate about helping young couples set up for success from their dating experiences and also importantly through premarital and early marital education. In this conversation, we spoke about how to date for a successful marriage, the mindsets to have and the conversations and experiences to have while dating.


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Adai Ad:

https://www.adaiad.org/shidduch-u⁠ ⁠
info@adaiad.org⁠


To reach MASK: www.maskparents.org

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(This series is funded by a grant from the New York City DOVE initiative recommended by Council Member Rita Joseph)



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To reach Penina Flug, LCSW

Website: https://peninafluglcsw.com/



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Episodes mentioned in the talk:

Marriage Readiness series: https://adaiad.org/shidduch-u/marriage-ready-episodes/

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3:57 The power of pre-marital education
5:04 What should be the focus in the dating process
7:04 The importance of having support and guidance through dating
10:27 What's a healthy relationship? ABCs? Acceptance, belonging, comfort and safety
13:17 What to do when there are concerns or doubts about the shidduch
15:28 Take care of issues before starting shidduchim
16:19 Anxiety during engagement
19:02 Talk about marriage when dating
20:41 Spending time with each other’s families when dating
22:05 Sharing difficult topics on a date
24:00 Things we wish people knew before they got married
29:13 Have some disagreements when dating (emotional safety)
30:59 Talk about premarital education and getting support
32:19 Should someone discuss concerns with their parents
35:09 Premarital education should be standard
37:49 Topics that some daters don’t talk about
42:04 Working with a dating coach
46:58 Final thoughts
48:29 Q: Should I share about previous relationships while dating?
51:13 Wrap Up

Devora Krasnianski speaks with Prof. Naomi Klapper who delves into the reasons behind people's anxiety when dating and how it impacts their dating. Prof. Klapper describes that heightened anxiety diminishes the attachment hormones that bring people closer together. Furthermore, anxiety impairs our cognitive abilities, making it difficult for us to be fully present in a relationship or make important decisions. Therefore, it is crucial to address anxiety in order to foster meaningful relationships.

During the discussion, Professor Klapper also shared some effective strategies for managing anxiety. This episode is significant for all individuals who are dating, even if they do not experience severe anxiety.




https://www.adaiad.org/shidduch-u

info@adaiad.org

https://www.maskparents.org

 (This series is funded by a grant from the New York City DOVE initiative recommended by Council Member Rita Joseph)



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To reach Prof Naomi Klapper

Website: https://www.klappertherapy.com

Email: naomi.klapper@gmail.com


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4:08 What is dating anxiety?
8:07 Anxiety shuts down attraction hormones
11:09 Anxiety highlights every little flaw
13:25 Some anxiety is normal, even useful
14:30 Why is someone anxious only when comes to dating
25:52 Ways that some anxiety can be good for dating
30:50 At what point should someone seek professional help for their anxiety
35:32 How sharing vulnerabilities deepens relationships
38:52 Make relationship-based decisions
40:27 Tools to address anxiety – even before dating.
56:53 Relationship OCD
1:02:22 Q: Anxious about talking about money
1:12:29 It is important to be able to communicate about tough topics
1:15:25 Q: Anxious because was rejected
1:22:12 Wrap Up

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad speaks with Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier about lists and checklists. Do those lists help us in Shidduchim or do they complicate things? Do we really know what we really need in a spouse? How to know if the one you are dating is really your bashert? Rabbi Shafier talks about the paper test and the bashert test. We also spoke about the importance of knowing what marriage is about before dating. We unpack all that in this conversation.

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https://www.adaiad.org/shidduch-u

(This series is funded by a grant from the New York City DOVE initiative recommended by Council Member Rita Joseph)
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To reach Rabbi Shafier
Website: https://theshmuz.com
/0:03:06 Creating a shidduch ‘list’
0:06:35 How to ‘know’ if this is the one (paper test & bashert test)
0:09:59 Using a list as a filtering system
0:10:48 Going out until you get clarity about yes or no
0:13:27 If you’ve never been married, how do you know what you need
0:15:32 Making sure your values are aligned
0:17:02 Checklists mess up shidduchim
0:18:18 Do people pass up on their bashert?
0:22:55 If you notice red flags
0:25:56 Infatuation vs love
0:29:35 Where do feelings come into the decision
0:32:18 Importance of honest sharing during dating
0:35:20 What conversations to have when dating
0:37:57 Have a good understanding of what marriage is before dating
0:40:02 Marriage is an institution, but it's not a hospital
0:43:36 Marriage is taking a leap of faith
0:45:29 About the book
0:48:39 A metaphor about dating for marriage
0:50:45 Wrap up

Devora Krasnianski speaks with Mayer Zuckerman, LCSW, a licensed therapist with lots of experience working with young people in dating and relationships. We spoke about is it is possible to really know that this is the one. We also spoke about what aspects should be similar and where differences can work. And how to make the big decision. We unpack all that in this conversation.
- https://www.adaiad.org/shidduch-u

https://www.maskparents.org/

(This series is funded by a grant from the New York City DOVE initiative recommended by Council Member Rita Joseph)
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To reach Mayer Zuckerman
Email: mayer@mayerzuckermanlcsw.com3:58 Can we ever really know this is the ‘one’?
7:25 Commitment to the one you chose
9:42 What really lasts throughout the length of the marriage
14:29 Values should be compatible
21:58 Importance of self-awareness for dating
24:57 Who to talk to when dating
33:31 Only the ones dating should make the decision about marriage
36:03 Don’t withhold important information
44:44 Q: I generally have a hard time making decisions
51:15 Q: We’re good on paper, but I’m not feeling it
1:00:07 Inspiration for those struggling in shidduchim
1:03:19 Wrap up

Devora Krasnianski speaks with Elena Chasser, LCSW about Boundaries and Dating. When we talk about boundaries in dating, we are talking about balance and respect. And we unpack that in this conversation. Elana shares 5 types of boundaries that might come up in dating – what respecting those boundaries looks like and what crossing might feel like. And sometimes, it’s very nuanced.

https://www.adaiad.org/shidduch-u   
(This series is funded by a grant from the New York City DOVE initiative recommended by Council Member Rita Joseph)  

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To reach Elana Chasser, LSCW 

Website: https://elanachasser.com/

Phone: 516-489-2652  



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1:13 How are we defining boundaries? 

2:26 Boundaries in dating: 5 key aspects 

3:15 Verbal boundaries 

6:30 Physical boundaries 

12:35 Emotional boundaries 

14:34 Relational boundaries 

19:24 Gaslighting and love-bombing 

24:02 Paying attention to what might be going on 

27:51 Behavioral boundaries 

34:02 Respect differences 

37:27 Getting someone else’s perspective and support 

40:30 Mistakes sometimes happen during dating 

42:44 Do you see that you have grown together (even a little bit) 

44:59 Move at the pace of the slower one 

50:08 Why some people have a hard time opening up 52:22 Wrapping up