The Kind of Love Aaron Tosti

This season Aaron will be hosting interviews with friends, family and professionals on self-love, self-acceptance, and the many aspects and ways of overcoming and healing from past relationships that have left you feeling frustrated, confused and exhausted. 
00:26 min
Aaron Narrates
Welcome to the podcast season 2.
I’m excited and it fills up my spirit jar to hear others and their stories. 
I’m going to have guests that are professionals, family, friends, and hear the wisdom that they’ve learned. 
It’s about what we tell ourselves and how our emotions are connected to our thoughts. How we can continue to create love trauma or not in our life. 
 
1:45 min
So I want this season to be about self healing and raising our awareness. We can only change what we are aware of. 
Theres many ways in which we can heal, and we are adaptable creatures. We have the ability to adapt and love again. Thats how I became a personal coach. 
It comes down to the individual creating a better reality for themselves. 
 
2:46 min
When I was younger I thought the golden rule was treat others better than yourself, but it’s actually treat others AS yourself. So I’ve been put to the test of seeing every interaction as I’m just having a conversation with myself. And when you do that you learn more about others and have more empathy for them. 
 
 
3:45 min
How can we become more mindful of the love that we are creating ? 
When we are more mindful of those things there’s a ripple effect every where else in our life. 
 
4:20 min
Not everyone has the same story but we all desire to be free from our suffering. But we have to face ourselves sometimes. Its easier to stay in our familiar uncomfortable patterns. 
Its challenging to face our survival self that just isn’t working anymore.  
I hope you’re experiencing and creating the kind of love you’re looking for. 
I’m your coach Aaron, 
Best of Love to you. 
 

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Episode Start
Hey whats up. Welcome back. I’m Aaron. This season is going to be all about the aftermath of break-up. ITs about healing and loving and accepting yourself.
 
What are some of the ways and tools we can use to lean into healing out wounds from the past? So we can move forward into the kind of love we want. 
 
Im excited about this first interview. Its with my brother, Dave ! We’ve known each other for a little while. When we recorded this Dave had just gone through break up with a finance. His willingness and vulnerability to even have this conversation shows a lot about his character. 
 
I really want to explore these painful stories and wounds from our past that we bring into our relationship. Ultimately we get our emotional buttons pushed a lot in our relationship. 
 
We don’t just overnight fall out of love, we fall out of love one unloving behavior at a time. Is it possible then that we can restore our relationship one LOVING behavior at a time ? I believe they can restore it one loving behavior at a time. But it always takes two to be in a relationship. 
 
I talk with Dave in this first part about how to cultivate a conversation in your relationship at the very beginning, to create a foundation around it so you can begin to love and trust each other. 
 
When our emotional buttons are pushed in a relationship, it’s not really about our partner, its about us. And the hurt, pain, annoyance, or disgust is really about our pain from the past that we need to overcome and heal. Our partners behaviors just reflects back to us that pain and that hurt. 
 
You’ve probably heard that hurt people, hurt people. And I believe healed people can heal people. 
 
So how do we cultivate a relationship where we don’t harm each other and where your partner isn’t your problem ? Where you recognize that your wounds are your problem.
 
I talk with Dave how he set up his relationship with his partner with the intention to not harm one another. We’re imperfect human beings, but its important to create space in the relationship to give ourselves the love and respect that we need to heal. 
 
What do I mean by space? I mean the ability to have compassion, empathy, trust, and to not react or harm your partner. Its the ability and the emotional intelligence to understand that the pain you hold onto is not about your partner, it’s about you learning to love and accept yourself.   Then, you can grow back your relationship one LOVING behavior at a time. 
 
When we get committed to truly loving ourselves in the relationship, we’re making a commitment to loving our partner.  When get an understanding of choosing ourself in the relationship, we then grow the capacity to choose our partner as well. 
 
Dave and I grew up under the same roof. II believe the story that “I’m Bad.” The shame story we bring into our relationship and we  let it reek havoc because we believe we’re bad. And if we believe that we’re bad, it will show up in real life. 
 
Our brain wants to reinforce that story. But the truth is we’re not bad. We need to look at that shame and shine a light on it so that we don’t keep continuing the harmful cycles and patterns. 
 
This episode is brought to you by me a personal coach. I work in self-love and self-acceptance. You can go to the kindoflove.com and sign up for the newsletter and you’ll get podcast updates and be sent love inspiration. 
 
Here’s a couple brothers talking about love. 
 
Interview
 
4:50 min  
We just get the moments we don’t always get to record the moments. Boomerangs thoughts will come back and what was that awkward  funny thing ?
 
5:50 min
Brother’s banter about the intro. 
 
6:30 min
Aaron brings back up his awkward not kissin

NARRATE
 
Welcome back, hopefully you’ve joined me on the last episode where My brother Dave and I spoke about holding space IN the relationship.
 
Now we are going to talk about holding space for yourself in the aftermath of a break up.
 
When we recorded this interview, my Brother David’s  relationship had come to an end. 
I think to the degree of which you spent time loving someone determines the degree you will spend recovering from a divorce or a break up. 
One time a friend told me for every month you date someone you should only spend about an hour reflecting and recovering from that. I think t’s different for everyone.
But I think there’s something to that. The question is “how long do you want to spend experiencing the break up?”
And what does it look like to hold space for yourself when a relationship is really traumatic. 
Many times its just like a death, and you have to set side time to mourn, surround yourself with people that love you, and give yourself time to reflect and heal. 
 
 
 
It’s interesting to hear Dave’s perspective on when you’re really IN IT. And what your friends think you need and what you really need. Only you choose to let yourself recover.
 
 
 
You have to get back to having a good relationship with yourself.
 
 
 
So here is some more on two brother’s talking about love. 
 
 
 
(Short narration from relationship ending is much like a real death. And giving yourself time and space to greave. This could be mentioned at the beginning of part 2)
 
 
 
4:45 min
 
Detachment and if the buddha dated.  
 
 
 
5:38 min 
 
Detachment after a break up. Aaron mentions that he was told that he was still in a relationship with his ex.
 
 
 
6:30 min 
 
Daves says I’m not going to lie, I’m still attached
 
 
 
David talks about the level of depth he had with his ex. And it was a sign of all his transformational work. 
 
 
 
And the break up doesn’t feel congruent with all of the depth and love thats truly there 
 
 
 
10:00 min 
 
David begins talk about the practice of non attachment. Its a quiet practice of being ok and not needy in a relationship.  
 
 
 
 11:26 min 
 
David compares detaching from a realtionship to the death of his friend in high school DR. That  was an early experience of detachment and feeling abandoned.
 
 
 
 
 
 12:26 min 
 
David and his partner would practice say I choose you and I love you today, everyday.  
 
 
 
 
 
13:15 min 
 
Aaron asks David about feeling abandoned after the death of DR. Aaron shares a story of walking in David’s room right after DR died. 
 
 
 
14:45 min
 
David talks about the difference between a grandparent dying, and a close friend who’s on your same level.  
 
 
 
Anytime someone dies you get a reminder that we’re just here for a moment.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
17:36 min 
 
Aaron asks Dave about his recent break up and surrendering and letting go after the relationship was over.
 
 
 
When you’re going through a break up you’re surrounding what is lost, and trying to care and have love for yourself at the same time.
 
 
 
 
 
19:00 min 
 
Aaron makes the point that when you’re in a lot of pain you ARE self absorbed. And explained his experience in recovery.
 
 
 
When you’ve had a detrimental break you feel exhausted and you’re checking your emotions and your vital signs. 
 
 
 
  
 
20:10
 
Aaron asks Dave what the aftermath looks like, and what’s been helpful.
 
 
 
David talks about slowing down. Choosing not to judge yourself or keep up in an action oriented world.  
 
 
 
 
 
21:32 min 
 
Dave talks about the judgements he has on himself to DO. In a break up you need. 
 
 
 
Dave says to everyone, “I’m not functioning how I normally do.”

If you like the music on this podcast and you’re looking for music for your podcast or social content, you can go to thekindoflove.com/promo and get 10% OFF Unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music.
Show Script  
24 sec
Be in a great  relationship with yourself first. Are the struggles in your relationship patterns about you, or about somebody else ?
This idea would have been helpful for me when I was younger. I’m looking for my other person who knows themselves really well and is open to knowing themselves well. 
Nobody completes you. They support you. They come along side of you. 
 
1:15 min
If you’re struggle is being single and you’re wondering why you have triggers, red flags, hang ups, and internal conflict. It’s because you don’t feel whole. There’s a lack you feel. There’s something about you that is missing.
When you feel better about yourself, confident and like you are feeling your best self, it will seem a lot easier for your partner to show up. You’re not so concerned. You’re not needy. You’re not worried. You’re not in conflict whether you’re person is going to show up. 
Don’t give away the end. Find out what you need to feel whole and healthy again.  Define who you are first. Then you can make a list of a million things of what you want in a partner. Until you know who you are you’re not going to be center or clear on who you want to have in your life as your other 
 
2:25 min
If you’re in a relationship with someone and there’s conflict. Your partner is just showing your inner conflict. If we can loo at ourselves and see what we can change. If we can see our partner as something of a reflection to understand ourself better. When we first fall in love we really just see and feel a reflection of who we are. So we feel better about who we are. 
Overtime, if a relationship deteriorates one unloving behavior at a time, we start to to loose a sense of ourselves. We start to loose our way. Something feels off. So when we feel good about who we are and where we want to go, things start to change. When we feel different we start to change our perspective. When we change our perspective, we reframe the story. 
 
3:30 min
I’m not looking for my other half. I’m looking for another person who is whole. When I see that person they are just a gift showing me how I can better show up in the world. They are a reflection of how I can be better. They are a reflection of how I choose to be. 
I drove for a ride share company for a while. At the end of the ride a guy in his 20s asked me why his girlfriend thinks he’s always going to cheat on her. I didn’t have a lot of time to explain, but I said, “You know that’s really about her and not about you.”   
We bring our fears and struggles from the past into our relationships that aren’t always true.  Because we don’t always have a great relationship within ourselves, and understand that, we bring our traumas, pains, wounds, and frustrations in and project that onto our partner. 
 
 
 
4:35 min
So we need to become healthy and understand ourselves better, why we operate, how we think and feel, and then claim ownership over those things. Until we get clear about that, we’re probably going to continue to make a mess of things. 
So I don’t really want another half. I want someone who feels whole. And I want that to remind me that I feel whole and complete.  And I don’t need the acceptance or approval of someone else. I don’t need that gross codependent, needy thing that says I need someone else to complete me. 
 
 
 
5:15 min
So many of us form believes as little kids.  We watch other relationships and the way other people behave, and we form conclusions with our developing amygdala. Then those memories become big shock ways of trauma. Then the fears of that trauma or story happening again for you creates all different ways that relationships unfold for you. 
 

Aaron Talks with friend and guest Lindsley Brookes about understanding love traumas in the body. If you want great music for your podcast or social content, you can go to thekindoflove.com/promo and get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music.
 
00:26
Aaron Talks
Have you ever been frustrated with patterns within yourself or within your relationship that continue to resurface and repeat? 
In this season we talk about self healing. We need to Become aware of the patterns first so we can begin to reframe our love. 
This episode I’ve invited my good friend Lindsley Brookes to help us talk about the mind, body and spirit connection. 
How do we become aware of whats happening in our body as well as whats in our mind so we can be completely mindful of everything.
Pyschology 101 has elude to us that we bring our trauma from the past into our relationship. And now we know that it plays out unconsciously. The trauma becomes trigger points and emotional buttons that get pressed. When we react to those, we create more of the love we don’t want. 
So where does the mind and body connection come in?
Lindsley is an Intuitive Counselor and Energy Healer.  She helps us look at how we can become greater than the wounds of our past. So that we don’t continue to bring them into our relationship, even if our relationship with ourselves. 
 
2 min
Did Aaron just say Linsey ? He meant Lindsley. 
Lindsley is an intuitive counselor and energy healer. 
 
3:10 min
Lindsley talks about energy  healing on in the body and in spaces. 
She involves mind body and spirit in the home. And most people are not familiar with how their living space effects them on a subconscious level. Its All connected. 
 
4:40 min
You have to address it from a wholistic background. Otherwise you’re just scratching at the surface.
Aaron talks about completely removing yourself from your environment. 
 
6:12 min
Aaron asks,  if Lindsley has worked with someone where  there has been a profound shift after recognizing your body when it comes to love and relationships.  
Lindsley talks about being relational beings. She got into this after her own big break up. 
You can’t address spiritual, without addressing emotional, mind and body. 
 
7:15 min
Trauma from childhood contributes to your relationships now. And you have to start doing your own inner work.
You start with a therapist. Lindsley said her therapy only got her so far. 
She’s always been fascinated in human experience. 
 
9:24 min
She was taught that her emotions were bad and that her body had religious programming. 
The kingdom of heaven is within. 
 
10:45 min
Aaron asks if Lindsley could share what awareness she came to understanding about her body and being triggered. 
Lindsley was constantly trying to fix her ex husband who was an alcoholic. Panic attacks. Felt out of control. And those were traumas being triggered in her, and she was being re-traumatized.
Betrayal, stomach issues. She new she had to address the issue. 
What were these issues and triggers trying to tell her ?
 
 
 
 
 
12:35 min
Lindsley says, “I was in an unhealthy relationship.”
What is the catalyst that wakes you up to the disfunction. We don’t want to admit that the relationship is not going well. 
Lindsley Bleeps her self. 
Your body and your mind talking to each other. And we go into denial. Shame is a big part. But letting our mind know its ok to listen to our body.
 
13:52 min
There are big T and little t traumas. We have all experience trauma on some level. Trauma is when your brain is developed enough to handle it and it effects the point that can’t form language yet.
My body remembers even though the brain says you should have moved on. 
Big T traumas are like war, abuse, abandonment. 
Little t Traumas that can be break ups, job loss, divorce. Not everybody experiences that word the same. 
 
16:40 min
I

AARON TALKS WITH FRIEND AND GUEST LINDSLEY BROOKS ABOUT SEX, INTIMACY, AND WHAT HEALTHY FEMININE AND MASCULINE ENERGY LOOKS LIKE IN A CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP.  
SHOW OUTLINE :30 min
Have you ever been frustrated about patterns that continue to resurface and repeat?  Either in a relationship with your yourself or with a partner? Do you want more trust and intimacy and connection with the people in your life? 
We continue in this part 2 on the mind body and spirit connect conversation. I have my friend Lindsley Brooke’s who is an energy healer and Intuitive Counselor. 
The word toxic gets thrown around a lot in relationships. It’s really about healthy or unhealthy relationship decisions that are being made, unhealthy or healthy responses. I asked Lindsley if we could look deeper into what unhealthy masculinity and femininity actually looks like. Often our culture personifies masculine only being male, or feminine energy only being female. But everyone, whatever your energy is has masculine and feminine energy. 
What does that look like? How do they show up in the body ? How do we listen to our body so we respond in a healthy loving way in our relationships? Instead of a toxic or unhealthy response. 
 
2:00 min
When you have trauma in the body that effects sexual intimacy. 
Women who don’t want anything to do with sex. Trauma affects your ability to be intimacy. 
The very thing you need to do is to understand and access the body. 
 
5:00 min
How do we overcome these things?
Either you’re scared to get physically close with someone, OR you’ve had it so good with someone else, you’ve got PTSD that you may not ever have it that good again.
 
7:00 min
Common denominator is trust and context. 
You’re body has a wisdom and intelligence that bypasses the brain. 
There was a sense of emotional safety. The same part of the brain thats connected to trauma is also connected to pleasure. What is the best case scenario to good sex. And what environment causes you to shut down. 
If shut off or de-compartmentalize your body, you’re shutting off the pleasure as well. 
 
8 min
You’re going to have to dig up some stuff. 
What can I do to feel safe and be curious enough. 
Lindsley said she didn’t feel safe to talk about her emotions outside of the bedroom, so thats going to show up in the bedroom too. 
 
8:55 min
Men want to connect through the physical. 
Women want to have a emotional connection first. 
Get curious on why one scenario is was good and why the other had you shut down. 
It’s telling you that you don’t feel safe enough. 
 
 
 
 10:30 min
Aaron asks are you creating trauma when you go through a post hook up phase.
Lindsley was noting at conscious sexuality. 
There are physical longing and desires.
You’re intention is looking for approval  or a need to feel whole. Thats self medicating. And you’re using someone else body to do that. 
 
12:25 min
Masculine and Femine Devine energy.
How do you know when you’re being toxic or your partner is being toxic. How do we see toxic feminine and masculine and separate it from gender roles ?
 
13:50 min
Our culture is in a toxic masculine or patriarchal. Something is about out of balance. 
Its not specific to gender.
Toxic masculinity is overpowering, control, war and dominant.
Toxic Feminity, is the opposite. Not having any control over yourself and being small. 
 
15:50 min
Relationship stage is we are letting go of gender roles. The roles are shifting. Fathers get to be emotionally involved. Sometimes Female is the bread winner.
 
18:55 min
What does healthy masculine and feminine energy look like ?
When your anger is out of balanced.  
 
20:50 min
Lindsly says Aaron’s in his healthy  feminine masculine a coach.  
It’s constantly happen. Emotions intuition, beauty, trust, art, the body, 
intellect, holding space, speaking up is masculine. 
 
20:50 min
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