#15: Arno Koch

Arno Koch is a relationship coach based in Malibu, CA. 00:00 – triggered by a 2 year old asking “Why” – relationship advice should go full circle. “why” is a triggering word because it reminds us of other things. Replace with a “How” or “What” question – all advice goes both ways 3:30 – empathy while balancing authenticity and learned skills 7:30 – move perceptions away from your personality: “it seems/looks/sounds like” – have the chance to be wrong and not fixed to your perceptions – assign the issue to a behavior, not to a person 13:00 – “I can’t make you feel anything” & feelings are immediate and unconscious 18:00 – gratitude, kindness, presence, cortisol, adrenaline, creating safe and nurturing environments 30:00 – two or three sides to a story? “Set and enforce your boundaries, with love” 38:00 – a refusal of the call to adventure is a refusal to give up one’s own preferences/routines – in the hero’s journey and in love / state your preference and offer a true choice is the most powerful thing you can do 43:00 – the difference between justifiable things to do and say and the right things to do and say 49:00 – the fear may be real, but the danger is not 51:00 – books “the happiest toddler on the block” “never split the difference” “seven principles for making marriage work “ “nonviolent communication” 54:00 – if you don’t feel heard, you need to listen better / comparisons can be one of the biggest source of growth and learning, just don’t take it personally 59:00 – choices based on empathy