109 episodes

We're couple therapists and messy humans bumbling through our own relationships everyday. Between us we have more than 40 years of experience holding hard relational questions with our clients. We’re going to bring those questions here. And together we’re going to take a stab at answering those questions.

Why Does My Partner Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa

    • Society & Culture
    • 4.9 • 46 Ratings

We're couple therapists and messy humans bumbling through our own relationships everyday. Between us we have more than 40 years of experience holding hard relational questions with our clients. We’re going to bring those questions here. And together we’re going to take a stab at answering those questions.

    Why Doesn't My Partner Take Care of Me When I'm Upset?

    Why Doesn't My Partner Take Care of Me When I'm Upset?

    Dear listeners, before you start listening to this episode, would you try something with us?
    Sit back in your chair. Take a breath for a second. Notice that you’re alive and breathing. Notice the sensations in your body that tell you that you’re alive. As other thoughts start to pop up, don’t try to push them away just yet instead just let yourself notice that they’re there. Notice them, and now go back to your breath. Take your time. What’s happening inside you now?
    This, dear listeners, is withnessing, and it’s what this episode is all about. Or listener question speaks to a deep desire to be taken care of by their partner, so we start by asking, “what kind of state are each of your brains in? When you’re worked up and upset, your brain is going to have a really hard time giving or receiving support, even when that feels like what you want to do most in the world.
    So take a second to slow down. Witness what’s happening inside you and give your brain a chance to shift into a state that’s more interested in connection and bonding. Showing up for yourself is where it all starts.
    Quotes:
    The part of your brain that's going to help you shift from one state to another is going to be activated when you slow down and watch what's happening right now inside you.
    In order to be there for my partner…I don't have to worry about how to soothe them. I only have to worry about how to witness me.
    There is something so empowering about knowing I don't have to wait for my partner to be integrated enough to support me. I can do this for myself.
    This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor, The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many educators, and because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Just visit therapywisdom.com and use the discount code "WDMP."
    Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.
    Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact
    If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events
    Mentioned in this episode:
    Let's take a moment to acknowledge our amazing sponsor The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many amazing educators. And because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Visit Therapywisdom.com or click the link in the show notes and use the ‘WDMP’ discount code."

    Therapy Wisdom
    Therapy Wisdom

    • 25 min
    Why Does My Partner Want Me to Tell Him How to Change?

    Why Does My Partner Want Me to Tell Him How to Change?

    If your partner asked you to tell them how they should change, would that feel gratifying or scary? And how would you react? If that thought makes you uncomfortable, we think that’s the perfect time for a YOU-turn. And if that thought doesn’t make you uncomfortable…we think that’s ALSO a perfect time for a YOU-turn! That means turning back towards yourself and being curious about what hopes or fears are hidden underneath that reaction. That will help you get beyond the strategy – what either of you do or don’t do – to the underlying need, which is how do you want to feel in this relationship?
    Quotes:
    “It’s freaking hard to be human with other humans!”
    “Where do we learn how to be relational? Where do we learn what connection is?”
    “And so where do we form our protective strategies? It's inside of our early experiences. They're not just there. They're there because.”
    “If things are going well, it doesn't mean that hard things don't happen. It means that you can turn towards each other when they do.”
    This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor, The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many educators, and because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Just visit therapywisdom.com and use the discount code "WDMP."
    Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.
    Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact
    If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events
    Mentioned in this episode:
    Let's take a moment to acknowledge our amazing sponsor The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many amazing educators. And because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Visit Therapywisdom.com or click the link in the show notes and use the ‘WDMP’ discount code."

    Therapy Wisdom
    Therapy Wisdom

    • 23 min
    Why Does My Partner Interrupt Me?

    Why Does My Partner Interrupt Me?

    What are the conversation patterns in your relationship? Do you tend to leave a lot of space for silence, or talk fast and interrupt each other a lot? Does that differ from how it was in your family growing up? Is there an imbalance, with one person doing a lot more of the interrupting and talking over?
    …and is it a problem?
    Today’s question asker might be wishing that their partner interrupted them less, but that’s not true for everyone. Whether or not you do this has a lot to do with where you’re from, your family dynamics and even your neurology. In lots of cultures, interrupting is a sign of excitement and showing that you’re engaged, but for others, it can feel rude, dominating, and derailing. It could even be different for the same person in different situations.
    If you take anything from today’s episode, we hope it’s this: celebrate your diversity, whether it’s cultural, neurological, or anything else. We’re all going to do things a little bit different, and that’s ok! Take it as a chance to get curious about what’s going on in your partner’s brain, and to share what’s in yours. We bet you’ll be glad that you did.
    Quotes:
    “there's tons and tons of gifts in fast processing and there's tons and tons of gifts in slower processing speeds…it has nothing to do with intelligence.”
    “Maybe there’s no such thing as neurotypical.”
    “We don’t have to let differences drive us a part, we can meet each other through them.”
     
    This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor, The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many educators, and because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Just visit therapywisdom.com and use the discount code "WDMP."
    Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.
    Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact
    If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events
    Mentioned in this episode:
    Let's take a moment to acknowledge our amazing sponsor The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many amazing educators. And because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Visit Therapywisdom.com or click the link in the show notes and use the ‘WDMP’ discount code."

    Therapy Wisdom
    Therapy Wisdom

    • 21 min
    My partner broke trust. So why do they say that they don't trust me?

    My partner broke trust. So why do they say that they don't trust me?

    Having a trusting relationship means you and your partner never let each other down ever, right? WDMP Podcast listeners know the answer to that one…no way! So what does it mean when we talk about trust in a partnership? Today’s listener question leads us right down that path, unpacking the many different kinds of trust there can be, making explicit agreements and setting expectations, and what to do when your partner goes into defensive mode.
    If you haven’t already, make sure to listen to the other episode that we mention in the show, Why Do I Feel So Bad When My Partner Gets Disappointed or Mad at Me?
    Quotes:
    "most of us, in most of our relationships, we're having ruptures daily. And if we're doing relationship well, we're catching some of those...and we're making repair."
    "there's no breach of trust or betrayal without an actual agreement that we both said yes to."
    "Projection is when I take a feeling that I know very intimately and put that on you."
    This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor, The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many educators, and because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Just visit therapywisdom.com and use the discount code "WDMP."
    Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.
    Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact
    If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events
    Mentioned in this episode:
    Let's take a moment to acknowledge our amazing sponsor The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many amazing educators. And because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Visit Therapywisdom.com or click the link in the show notes and use the ‘WDMP’ discount code."

    Therapy Wisdom
    Therapy Wisdom

    • 27 min
    Give Me Anxiety

    Give Me Anxiety

    Anxiety is a signal that’s really good at letting you know something isn’t working – the only thing is, it’s not so good at pointing out exactly what that thing is. Diving into today’s question about anxiety in a relationship brings us to unpacking just what anxiety is, attachment styles, culture and epigenetics, and a whole lot more. We also talk about what it means to stop fighting your anxiety and begin to change your relationship to it, and how that can have results that resonate far wider than you might think.
    Quotes:
    “It’s contagious. It's really hard to be with someone who's anxious and not either feel anxious also or have a desire to turn away...or get them to stop it...or try to fix it, or fix them.”
    "When anxiety is coming at you, it's really, really overwhelming, and you either join it, or you try to change it, or you try to leave it."

    This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor, The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many educators, and because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Just visit therapywisdom.com and use the discount code "WDMP."
    Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.
    Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact
    If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events
    Mentioned in this episode:
    Therapy Wisdom
    Let's take a moment to acknowledge our amazing sponsor The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many amazing educators. And because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Visit Therapywisdom.com or click the link in the show notes and use the ‘WDMP’ discount code."

    Therapy Wisdom

    • 20 min
    Threaten to Leave When We Argue?

    Threaten to Leave When We Argue?

    Welcome back to the WDMP podcast. Today’s question brought up a lot of feelings in us. More than anything, we want to offer our support and compassion to this listener, and any of you out there, who are feeling iced out of your relationship like this, whose partners react to conflict by threatening to leave or shutting them out for weeks at a time.
    We also have compassion for the person doing this sort of thing to their partner, for the pain they’re feeling, and the stuckness they must be experiencing. We know that so often, this is something that’s been learned over many years, from childhood, from one’s family and culture.
    In this episode, discuss some of the ways that someone might end up believing that this is their only option, but we also turn it around and ask, “What are you hoping for here? And have you looked at the cost? Can you find the bravery to try another way?
    Quotes:
    “If you have a dynamic where your partner is afraid that you're going to leave, you're basically in relationship with yourself.”
    This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor, The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many educators, and because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Just visit therapywisdom.com and use the discount code "WDMP."
    Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.
    Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact
    If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events
    Mentioned in this episode:
    Therapy Wisdom
    Let's take a moment to acknowledge our amazing sponsor The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many amazing educators. And because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Visit Therapywisdom.com or click the link in the show notes and use the ‘WDMP’ discount code."

    Therapy Wisdom

    • 18 min

Customer Reviews

4.9 out of 5
46 Ratings

46 Ratings

Stealth Black Ninja ,

Relationship gold

I love and appreciate this podcast so much! The couple’s therapist hostesses are very generous with their knowledge & years of experience.

I love how this podcast weaves in lessons in neurobiology and shares the science behind a lot of our behaviors. It is so helpful to learn real life ways we can utilize what has been discovered in neurobiology, to retrain our brains and form new pathways to better relationships.

Also, I love Juliane Taylor Shore’s new book, Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered.

This is a great read for anyone who is curious and wants to dive deeper into how we can apply the science to help improve ourselves & our relationships.

Indra Weyland ,

Pure Gold

My husband, my adult daughter and I listen to these podcasts- sometimes several times!!!! And find it so helpful! While obviously directed at couples, the dynamics apply to other relationships. Huge help, huge lens shift, really actionable advice. So glad we found you!

Dr. Gary D. Salyer ,

The Best, Most Heart-Felt Relationship Podcast Around

Simply put, this is the best relationship podcast I’ve ever heard. Chocked full of stunningly simple relationship advice to help couples get out of the weeds of discord, while blended with the caring honesty and vulnerability of three women who totally understand the messy side of human relationships, this podcast is a smorgasbord of relational repair. Plus you get scintillating insights from the best of neuroscience and attachment theory so your heart and mind feel fed at the same time. If you want to start healing your relationship or just want to create more loving and intimate with your sweetie, make yourself a warm cup of coffee, get your Chai on, and listen in to what these three beautiful souls can teach you about love in the honest lane. - Gary D. Salyer, Ph.D.

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