Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

Jen Lumanlan
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Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

Jen Lumanlan always thought infancy would be the hardest part of parenting. Now she has a toddler and finds a whole new set of tools are needed, there are hundreds of books to read, and academic research to uncover that would otherwise never see the light of day. Join her on her journey to get a Masters in Psychology focusing on Child Development, as she researches topics of interest to parents of toddlers and preschoolers from all angles, and suggests tools parents can use to help kids thrive - and make their own lives a bit easier in the process. Like Janet Lansbury's respectful approach to parenting? Appreciate the value of scientific research, but don't have time to read it all? Then you'll love Your Parenting Mojo. More information and references for each show are at www.YourParentingMojo.com. Subscribe there and get a free newsletter compiling relevant research on the weeks I don't publish a podcast episode!

  1. 21 DE OUT.

    227: Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 2

    In our last conversation with Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett [Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 1] a couple of weeks ago we looked at her theory of where emotions originate. This has important implications for things like: How our 'body budgets' affect our feelings How we make meaning from our feelings so our internal experience makes sense That we don't always understand other people's feelings very well! The introduction to the theory plus the conversation plus the take-home messages would have made for an unwieldy episode, so I split it in half. Today we conclude the conversation with Dr. Barrett and I also offer some thoughts about things I think are really important from across the two episodes, including: What we can do with the information our feelings give us How long we should support children in feeling their feelings (given that they don't always mean what we think they mean!) and when we should help them move on Some tools we can use to re-regulate in difficult moments with our kids   Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett's Books (Affiliate Links) How Emotions are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain   Other episodes mentioned 129: The physical reasons you yell at your kids   Jump to Highlights 00:59 Introducing today’s episode and featured guests 05:01 People in chaotic or uncertain situations, like poverty or neurodivergence, face greater challenges due to the increased stress on their body budgets. 18:02 Understanding and managing personal needs as a parent, along with emotional flexibility, can lead to more effective responses to children. 23:46 Parents need to balance their own feelings with their children's by asking if their kids want empathy or help. They should remember that every interaction is a chance to teach kids how to manage their emotions. 31:07 Parents can view their empathy for their children as a sign of competence, balancing their own needs with their child's emotions. 34:22 Jen draws conclusions from Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett’s research on emotions, highlighting how parents can use this understanding to empower their children in navigating feelings and enhancing emotional literacy.   References Barrett, L. F., Adolphs, R., Marsella, S., Martinez, A. M., & Pollak, S. D. (2019). Emotional expressions reconsidered: Challenges to inferring emotion from human facial movements. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 20, 1–68. Barrett, L.F. (2012). Emotions are real. Emotion 12(3), 413-429. span style="font-weight:...

    48min

  2. 7 DE OUT.

    226: Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 1

    Have you ever wondered where our emotions come from? Do you think that if you look at a person’s face, you can have a pretty good idea of how they’re feeling? But at the same time, do your child’s feelings seem mysterious to you, like you can’t figure them out? Listener Akiko introduced me to Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett's theory of where our emotions come from, and I found it fascinating. It presents compelling evidence that the ways we've thought about emotions up to now may be entirely wrong. We might think we can match a specific arrangement of facial features (like a scowl) with a particular emotion (like anger), but not everyone scowls when they're angry and people also scowl when they aren't angry. We tend to infer characteristics about our child from things like their tone, so we might hear a 'snarky' tone and think: "My child doesn't respect me," when actually they're feeling hurt because their need for consideration hasn't been met. And sometimes there isn't a deep psychological reason why they're having big emotions...sometimes it's a challenge in balancing what Dr. Barrett calls their 'body budget' (and some of our big emotions come from challenges in balancing our body budgets as well). Dr. Barrett is the author of over 275 peer-reviewed articles on the topic of emotions and is among the top 0.1% of cited scientists in the world, so it was a real honor to speak with her about how our emotions are made...and what this means for: -How we make meaning out of our emotions (which is critical to understanding the trauma we've experienced) -How we talk with kids about emotions ("You hit Johnny and now he's feeling sad" might not be the best way to do this); -What to do with big emotional expressions that seem to 'come out of nowhere' - which actually happens fairly rarely. This episode opens with me defining Dr. Barrett's theory of emotions so we didn't have to waste 20 minutes of our precious hour together to do that. I also wanted to share my thoughts on the implications of these ideas for our families and the episode would have been too long so I split it in half. In this episode you'll hear the introduction to the theory, half of the conversation with Dr. Barrett, and my thoughts on what we've heard so far. In an upcoming episode we'll hear the second half of the interview as well as my overarching take-aways from across the two episodes. And just a reminder that if you're having your own big emotional reactions in response to your child's difficult (but age-appropriate) behavior, there are real reasons for that. We discuss meaning-making in the conversation with Dr. Barrett: in the Taming Your Triggers workshop we focus heavily on making meaning out of your experience. Whether you've experienced trauma and need help seeing the connections between your experiences and your triggered feelings towards your children, or if you need help with your body budgeting today, in Taming Your Triggers we'll help you to: -Feel triggered less often; -Find ways to meet your needs - and your child's needs - on a much more regular basis; -Learn how to repair effectively with your child on the (far fewer!) occasions when things didn't go the way you would have hoped. Sign up now, and we'll get started on Monday October 14 - so we can finish in time for you to actually enjoy the holidays this year. Enrollment closes very soon! Click here to join me in Taming Your Triggers: https://yourparentingmojo.com/tamingyourtriggers/

    50min

  3. 30 DE SET.

    225: How to stop shaming your child

    I know it can be really (really) difficult to bridge the gap between being the kind of parent we want to be, and the kind of parent we're able to be in the moments when our kids do things we find difficult. We might know that we want our kids to receive a message of unconditional love and acceptance, but when they do something like hitting their sibling and we respond: "Why would you DO that?!", or handle them roughly, or even spank them, that the message they are receiving may not be one of unconditional love and acceptance. Parent Jody joined the Parenting Membership and in the moments when he was able to stay regulated, the new tools helped him to navigate his kids' behavior more effectively. But when he got triggered by something like sibling hitting (because seeing a child get hit is triggering when you were hit as a child), then he would default back to what he called "autopilot parenting," and he would yell at his kids, shame them, and spank them - just like his parents had done to him. So he signed up for the Taming Your Triggers workshop, and in just a few weeks, Jody started to share his 'wins.' 🚗 There was the time he was able to create a pause when his kids started fighting in the back seat instead of exploding at them. 🛁 He was able to identify his needs, and his children's needs when they were throwing water out of the bath all over the floor, and find a strategy that met both of their needs. 🧸 And then there was the time when his son had smuggled four of his bedtime toys under his school uniform to the car, and Jody immediately saw that his wife was having a hard time because she didn't want the toys to be dirty, and she also didn't want the bedtime shit-show that was going to happen if the toys were still in the wash. His initial attempt to help his wife fell flat, and she angrily said: "Don't talk to me like a child!". He regrouped, and the phrase he used to defuse the situation deeply touched many of us in the Taming Your Triggers community when he shared it with us. He found a way to meet THREE people's needs in that situation, and was justifiably proud of himself. 🎉 If you want your kids to experience unconditional love and acceptance but you don't know how to make that happen in the difficult moments, I'd so love to work with you in the Taming Your Triggers workshop. I know it's risky to put yourself out there and admit that you're having a hard time. There's always the concern that these tools might work for Jody, and still not work for you - you might have some failing that means you can't use the tools, even if they work for other parents. You might also worry that the tools won't work for your neurodivergent/sensitive/etc. kid. I totally get those concerns. And...at the end of the day, we're all people - and all people have needs. I can help you heal from the hurts you've experienced and get your needs met more of the time, and then you'll feel triggered less often. I'm so confident about this that I guarantee it - if you aren't happy with your experience in the workshop for any reason, at any time, we'll give you 100% of your money back. (Plus we have multiple pricing options to make it affordable in the first place). 🎁 And as an extra bonus for you: Jody will be a peer coach in the Taming Your Triggers workshop this time around - because sometimes the person you learn from most effectively is the person who was standing where you are right now just a year ago. Join the waitlist now to get notified when doors reopen. Click the banner to learn more.     Jump to Highlights 00:45  Introducing today’s guest 01:28. Jody shifted from "Always tired" to "Actively seeking rest" after years of exhaustion from raising four kids and realizing the need to

    51min

  4. 23 DE SET.

    224: How to heal your Mom Rage

    There are several books available on mom rage by now. They tend to follow a predictable formula: a journalist interviews a bunch of parents and makes sweeping pronouncements about how anger-inducing it is to be a Mom, interspersed with anecdotes about terrible things they’ve said and done to their children. They usually end with a call for free childcare, universal parental leave, and more support for Moms’ mental health. (Yes to all of those things, obviously.)

    1h6min

  5. 16 DE SET.

    Q&A#6: Am I damaging my child?

    Today's episode comes from listener who submitted an emotional voicemail on the Ask Jen a Question button on the Your Parenting Mojo homepage, which boils down to: Am I damaging my child? The messages you can leave are limited to two minutes in length, so we get just a taste of what the parent is struggling with: a difficult relationship with their neurodivergent son, because he triggers the parent and then the parent feels triggered again by the guilt and shame that some of the challenges the son is facing might be the parent's fault. In this episode I walk though neuropsychologist R. Douglas Fields' LIFEMORTS framework of rage triggers - because if we understand the kinds of things that trigger us, we can avoid some of those triggers entirely and then see the rest of them coming and resource ourselves before they arrive. I link these rage triggers with broader social issues that we may be carrying in the backs of our minds without even realizing it, and the energy it takes to constantly manage our thoughts about these issues is energy we don't have to spend meeting our children's needs - or our needs. I also offer a set of three steps you can use to help you navigate triggering situations with your children more effectively. If you see that your relationship with your child isn't where you want it to be because you: Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child... Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated... Feel guilt and/or shame about how they're experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them... ...the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you. Click here to join the workshop waitlist: www.yourparentingmojo.com/tamingyourtriggers

    1h1min

  6. 6 DE SET.

    223: What, Why, and How to Parent Beyond Power

    I know that when you start using new parenting tools, things don't always go according to plan. Your kids don't say what you think they will, or maybe you perceive that their behavior is just kind of crappy, or maybe your partner isn't on board with your ideas. In this episode I address what to do about all of these challenges, as well as how to use the tools I work with to address difficult topics like children wanting ever more snack foods, ever more screen time, and refusing to go to school. We hear from parents who have managed to address tricky challenges - including a child with a skin condition who must take a bath daily and who was successfully extending the dinner/running around/reading books process until bedtime was delayed as well. Once the child's parents came to see what needs the child was trying to meet, bath time suddenly wasn't a problem anymore. I share some realizations that parents have had about their place in the world as they've engaged with my work and how I plan to shift the ways I talk about these issues moving forward. I also invite you to celebrate with my book Parenting Beyond Power's first birthday by baking (or buying) some cupcakes! One of many parents' favorite ideas in the book was the feelings and needs cupcakes, which makes it easy to visualize your most common feelings and needs. We've made some flags you can print and use with your children to identify your (and their) feelings and needs. Share them on social media and be invited to a group coaching call with me later in September, and stick them to the fridge as a reminder of how to connect with your kids - and yourself!

    58min

  7. 26 DE AGO.

    222: How to cultivate Menstrual Cycle Awareness with The Red School

    This episode was...unplanned:-) A couple of months ago I interviewed Dr. Louise Newson on the topic of menopause [https://yourparentingmojo.com/menopause]. Dr. Newson is a medical doctor and focused very heavily on Hormone Replacement Therapy as a treatment that everyone who menstruates should at least consider, and I knew I wanted to do an episode with someone who doesn't hold that belief as well. I found Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer of The Red School, and really appreciated their book Wise Power. As I usually do before recording an interview I read their other co-authored book Wild Power, and I realized there was a 'missing' episode on the topic of Menstrual Cycle Awareness. We can't really talk about being aware of the changes that are happening to our bodies during menopause if we don't know what has happened to our bodies throughout our menstruating years. When I read Wild Power I felt a deep sense of sadness that I was just discovering this now, as my own years of menstruation wind down - but also a deep sense of hope that I can help Carys develop a much closer relationship with her own body than I had with mine. We'll answer questions like: What phases does my body go through each month? How can I start becoming more aware of these phases through Menstrual Cycle Awareness? How can I align my activities with my energy levels, creativity, and arousal - even in the real world, which wants me to go-go-go all the time? How is my inner critic aligned with my cycle, and how can I use its knowledge to help me? How can I navigate Menstrual Cycle Awareness if I've had a difficult relationship with my periods and with fertility? I'd encourage you to listen to this episode if: You menstruate and want to better understand how menstruation affects your life You're raising a child who will menstruate and want to prepare them to feel 'at home' in their bodies You love someone who menstruates and want to be better attuned to them You're raising a child who will never menstruate, but you want them to appreciate menstruation and know how to effectively support people who menstruate. In other words, everyone will get something out of this episode!

    1h4min

  8. 19 DE AGO.

    221: How to advocate for the schools our children deserve

    How comfortable do you feel speaking up about something your child’s school needs? Have you noticed that some parents seem to feel more comfortable speaking up than others? Have you ever noticed that sometimes rules and policies in school don’t seem to be applied evenly to all students, while squeaky wheels who raise issues that concern them and their children tend to get addressed? If you have, and you’d like to understand more about what you’re seeing and know what to do about it, then this episode is for you. My guest for this episode is Allyson Criner Brown, an award-winning equity practitioner, trainer, and scholar who has worked at the intersections of pre-K-12 education, family, and community engagement, environmental justice, and local government. I also have a co-interviewer joining me, parent Cassie Gardener Manjikian, who asked for this episode after she noticed that the everyday actions she was seeing in her school weren’t matching up with the school’s (and district’s) own goals and plans. In the episode, we answer questions like: What are the valuable ways that parents contribute to their children’s learning, even if they never volunteer in the classroom? What kinds of social challenges happen in schools, and how do these affect our kids? How can I advocate for changes if the Principal doesn’t seem interested? What kinds of tools can we use with teachers and parents if people are on board with doing things differently but just don’t know what to do or how to do it? If I’m the kind of parent who is never going to join the PTA, what role can I play? We all have an important role to play in creating the schools our children deserve - this episode will help you to find yours. div class="ql-block"

    1h11min
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Jen Lumanlan always thought infancy would be the hardest part of parenting. Now she has a toddler and finds a whole new set of tools are needed, there are hundreds of books to read, and academic research to uncover that would otherwise never see the light of day. Join her on her journey to get a Masters in Psychology focusing on Child Development, as she researches topics of interest to parents of toddlers and preschoolers from all angles, and suggests tools parents can use to help kids thrive - and make their own lives a bit easier in the process. Like Janet Lansbury's respectful approach to parenting? Appreciate the value of scientific research, but don't have time to read it all? Then you'll love Your Parenting Mojo. More information and references for each show are at www.YourParentingMojo.com. Subscribe there and get a free newsletter compiling relevant research on the weeks I don't publish a podcast episode!

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