Lunchtime in Rome Lunchtime In Rome

Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 244 is entitled “Magnifying”.  Are you someone that always has the worst thing happen to you?  Are you in a relationship with someone who tends to make things much worse (in your, and maybe everyone’s opinion) than they really are?  We’re talking about what to do about that tonight at The Table.
Pull up a seat at the table and join us!
Making mountains out of molehills
* Description
* Exaggerates events until everything seems like a catastrophe. 
* May be volatile with anger, unmerciful with self-condemnation, or overwhelmed with fear or self pity.
* May be viewed as self-absorbed, preoccupied with one’s own crises, whiny and overly reactive.
* Background
* Often raised in an environment in which little things were blown out of proportion.
* Simple mistakes lead to a character attack;
* Discipline may have been excessive and out of proportion to the offense.
* Possibly a parent was preoccupied with need for belonging, security, or acceptance (manifested by fear, rejection, loneliness)  which contributed to their seeing catastrophes in every situation.
* Possible indicators of Magnifying - Frequent use of extreme words and phrases such as never, always, devastated, worst, ruined, terrible, horrible, awful, beyond repair, too late, all, nothing.
* Truth
* Molehills are not mountains. Not everything is a major event.
* A 50-cent event needs a 50-cent reaction.
* People sometimes treat us badly, but not always.
* We do some things wrong, but not everything.
* It is usually too soon to give up.
* Effect Upon a Relationship
* It is hard to live in an atmosphere where every little event is made to feel like a catastrophe.
* When difficult events do arise, there is little ability to cope.
* Emotional energy is sapped by trying to exist with “big” events all the time.
* Overcoming Magnifying
* Be alert for the trigger words always, every, no one, never, awful, worst, terrible, horrible.
* Analyze what causes this sort of response and then take your thoughts captive, replace them with more rational truthful thinking.
* Example: 
Example: you break a coffee mug.
Your reaction: “That’s it, my whole day is ruined!”
Consequences of that reaction: negative attitude that results in a bad day full of anger, depression, self blame.
Renewed Response: “These things happen. It’s just a mug that can easily be replaced. Let’s clean it up.”
* Scripture verses to “hold captive”
* Ephesians 4:2 With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love. - it is loving to not assume the worst about one’s intentions
* Ecc 7:9 9 Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools
* Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”


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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 243 is entitled “Dealbreakers”.  What is it about someone that is simply a deal breaker?  You know, if they do X or Y you just cannot be friends with them? What are those things?  We’re talking about those at The Table this evening.
Pull up a seat at the table and join us!


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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 242 is entitled “Destructive Patterns - Generalization”.  Are you in a relationship with Eeyore?  Do you hear things like “This always happens to me?”  If so, they may have fallen into the destructive pattern of generalization. We’re talking about that tonight!  
Pull up a seat at the table and join us!
Generalizing
* Simple Descriptions - Past events become predictors of the future
* Description
* Believes that past events will always predict the future, generalizing from past to future.
* Whatever has happened before will unavoidably happen again.
* Nothing will, or even can, change including the person.
* They carry around loads of anxiety, doubt, and fear.
* They hold onto past hurts, failures, and rejections and see them as evidence for their gloomy attitude toward the future;
* Often lacks initiative and is usually pessimistic.
* Background
* Often “trained” in this thinking pattern in home environment as it was modeled by one or both parents. 
* May have been given the label needy, pest, clumsy, simple, etc.
* Truth
* Just because something has happened in the past does not mean it will happen again, in the same way, in the future
* Like Personalization, what happens to us may very well have nothing to do with us
* Biblical truth would include
* Jer 29: 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
* John 10: 10 I have come that you may have life and life to the fullest.
* Effect Upon a Relationship - the generalizer  very often feels like an anchor.  The relationship can easily become codependent.  It could also become rife with conflict as the non-generalizer’s needs are not being met and the generalizer will clearly take the blame.
* Overcoming Generalizing
* Begin by taking notice of incidents when generalizing has taken place. It may even be helpful to write them down. 
* Try to keep note of how often this happens more than when it happens
* List the number of other possible reasons why the event took place other than your involvement/the pattern
* Replace the negative statement with one that gives you control over the situation
* Example: 
* Example 1: you eat something not allowed on a new diet.
Your reaction: “I’ll never lose weight.”
Consequences of the reaction: you stop trying, become self condemning, may eat even more unhealthily.
Renewed response: Replace “I’ll never lose weight,” with: “I am in control of my eating and I choose whether to eat or not.” With more truthful thinking the response to one day of failure on a new diet will
be, “I’ll begin again now.”
* Example 2: you don’t get a promotion
Your reaction: I always get looked over
Consequence of the reaction: you sink further behind at work, you resent your
boss and become a (more) bitter person to work with
Renewed response: I could have worked harder.  I could have gotten out of my 
head more often.  I may have just not been the best person for the promotion
but  I’ll do everything I can to get it next time.


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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 241 is entitled “Destructive Patterns - Personalization”.  Have you ever said to someone, “It’s not always about you!”?  Are there people in your life that you have to tiptoe around so that they don’t crumble?  We’ll be talking about how to work with that type of destructive pattern this week.  
Pull up a seat at the table and join us!
Personalizing
* Simple Descriptions
* Taking external events as personal rejections and attacks
* “My fault” thought pattern
* Description
* Overestimates the extent that an event is related to him/her. 
* Tends to be moody and easily hurt by seeming rejections.
* Often insecure and self-condemned. May blame self for everything.
* Others may view them as fragile, overly sensitive, childish, self-centered, and even hysterical.
* Background -Often were rejected or neglected in childhood or came from a highly critical home environment where he/she was often wrongly blamed for whatever was happening.
* Truth
* We are not the target or cause of everything that happens to us.
* Usually what occurs is not aimed at us, or is more a statement about the other person than about us.
* Biblical truth would include
* Rom 12: 3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.
* Phil 2: 3-4  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
* 1 Peter 5: 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
* Effect Upon a Relationship - When we take everything personally, we run the risk of overreacting to our spouse and causing unnecessary tensions in marriage..
* Overcoming Personalizing
* Begin by taking notice of incidents when personalizing has taken place. It may even be helpful to write them down. You may have strong feelings of anger, upset, hurt.
* Ask your partner to help you identify the “lies.”
* Practice replacing them (taking thoughts captive) with more rational truthful thinking (think on those things that are true).
* Example: 
Example: a friend phones to cancel coming for coffee because she needs to visit her mother in the hospital.
Your reaction: she probably didn’t want to come for coffee anyway.
Consequences of that reaction: you feel rejected, hurt, annoyed and you neglect to show concern for you friend’s
mother. You may even go on to think she probably doesn’t like me anyway. “In fact, no one really likes me.”
Renewed response: this reaction could be replaced by: “I feel disappointed that our cup of coffee together can’t
take place but my friend must go to her mother. I’ll look forward to our being able to rearrange for another day. I
wonder how I can support my friend while her mother is ill.”


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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 240 is entitled “Destructive Patterns”.  Sometimes we have patterns of communication that hurt our relationships. Tonight we will be looking at Polarizing Patterns.  
Pull up a seat at the table and join us!
Polarizing
* Simple Descriptions
* Only one way to do something
* Everything is right or wrong
* Seeing the world in absolutes
* Description
* Life is viewed as all or nothing, good or bad, black or white. 
* Rigid rules held for evaluating life. 
* Little satisfaction felt in modest performance or genuine effort.
* Experience little joy when successful, since it was expected all along
* Background
* Often brought up in legalistic, critical, or performance-orientated families where there were many insecurities and fears.
* Perhaps whatever the child did was never good enough.
* Perhaps others around them were consistently criticized and evaluated.
* Truth
* Some issues are black or white but many are shades of gray.
* The scriptures encourage discernment, but deciding to hold something against another or myself is “judging” and is warned against - Matt. 7:1-5
* The middle ground can often be acceptable and enjoyed - Eph. 5:20
* Effect Upon a Relationship
* Polarizers have a perfectionist thinking pattern and can be more than a little difficult to live with.
* They may judge the spouse’s performance on the basis of their own impossible standards.
* Overcoming Polarizing
* Take note of your reactions and analyze what prompted your responses. “Take those thoughts captive-cast them down” ( 2 Cor. 10: 3-5) “Think on those things that are true.” ( Phil. 4:8)
* Example: 
Your project is criticized.
Your reaction : “I knew I’d fail.”
Consequence of that reaction: is anger at the critic and at yourself.
Renewed response: If “I knew I’d fail” is replaced with “the project wasn’t perfect but there was a lot of good in it. I can improve it” then, you become free to evaluate criticism, consider changes, and move on.
* How to work to NOT be this way
* Take Thoughts Captive - 2 Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ
* Ask yourself “Is this 100 percent accurate?”
* Or could my past hurts be clouding my judgment
* Allow your loved one to have input and perspective
* Think about what is true - Phil 4: 8 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
* Overcome your past hurts and judgment
* Allow your loved one to say nice things and consider what they say
* Note to loved one: don’t lie or distort lest you lose credibility
* Example
* Instead of saying “If it’s not done this way, it won’t work.”
* Say “My way is not the only way; others ways may work O.K., too.”


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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 239 is entitled “Appreciate and Request”. We all want better relationships. We introduced a level up challenge a few weeks ago. Maybe there’s a simpler way. That’s what we’re talking about tonight!
Pull up a seat at the table and join us!
Level Up Challenge…an alternative
* Spending time appreciating
* List 6 areas where you appreciate the other person
* Be specific. looking particularly for things you may have come to take for granted
* Examples
* I’m grateful for your diligence as a provider for our family.
* I’m thankful for your faithfulness and loyalty as a wife.
* I’m thankful for the way you show you care with words and touch.
* I appreciate your sensitivity to others feelings
* Request your needs to be met
* Things you might like to see concerning improvements and changes in this relationship
* Be specific and positive as you look for major items of importance to you
* Examples
* I’m hoping you can become more comfortable initiating affection.
* I’d like to see all cursing and abusive language stop.
* I wish we would not criticize one another in front of others—particularly our children.
* I’d hope that you might speak respectfully to those in authority.
* Share your lists with one another
* Be genuine, showing interest, emotion, and good eye contact, dedicated, private, and unrushed time alone
* Be positive, encouraging, and looking to the future with hope.
* Examples
* It would be important to me if
* It would mean a lot to me if.
* I’m looking forward to the time when
* Benefits
* Sharing your requests helps avoid the destructive cycle of:
* Having expectations and anticipations (i.e. requests) of another person.
* Not communicating these requests.
* But, becoming hurt or angry when these expectations aren’t met! This isn’t fair to either of the parties.
* Exchange lists if it will help you remember some of your partner’s “Requests”
* Practice Appreciation
* Make no further mention of the “Requests” during the next month. (To do so would be to approach “nagging” and actually hinder progress.)
* Make consistent effort to share praise for your “Appreciation” List plus other appreciation that come to mind.
* Look for opportunities to share praise and appreciation
* Privately with one another during daily conversations and private times
* Publicly when in the company of others. like family members, children, or friends
*  In writing with special notes, cards, or gifts


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