Playing With Fire

Joli Hamilton
  • 4.9 (67)
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Playing With Fire

Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.

  1. 176 Dismantling Defensiveness

    2 DAYS AGO

    176 Dismantling Defensiveness

    Defensiveness feels like a good way to protect yourself from harm in relationships, but it’s usually more effective at closing yourself off from personal growth, peace, connection, intimacy, multiplicity… and a lot of other wonderful parts of relating. Getting defensive is an unconscious strategy, a deeply ingrained response. Curbing it can feel like herding cats. Tomorrow, we’re helping you find the roots of your defensiveness and we’re sharing practical tools to help you identify and dismantle those sticky patterns so you can connect without defending and still feel safe. Letting go of the need to be right isn’t just about winning fewer fights; it’s about transforming how you show up in your relationships. When you allow room for multiple truths, you open the door to deeper empathy and connection in all areas of your life. In this episode, we talk about: — What defensiveness is and how it manifests in relationships — The connection between defensiveness and ego protection — How childhood experiences can shape our defensive patterns — The impact of defensiveness on creativity and personal growth — Practical techniques for recognizing and reducing defensive reactions — The importance of self-awareness in combating defensiveness — How to use questions instead of statements to foster understanding — The value of assuming goodwill in conversations with partners — Strategies for contextualizing issues and avoiding over-explanation — The role of shadow work and self-acceptance in reducing defensiveness Resources mentioned in this episode: — Luis Mojica's work on tolerating peace — Gay Hendricks' book The Big Leap — Andrew Leeds' on positive affect tolerance — Neurosomatic Intelligence (NSI) training — PWF Episode 164 on shadow work and Existential Kink JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    42 min
  2. 175 Coming Out as Non-Monogamous: Risks, Rewards, & How To Get Ready

    OCT 26

    175 Coming Out as Non-Monogamous: Risks, Rewards, & How To Get Ready

    Coming out as non-monogamous can bring its own set of challenges and concerns, especially if you also hold other marginalized identities. And maintaining the social appearance of monogamy can come at a cost. In this episode, we’re exploring the risks and rewards of sharing your non-monogamous identity. And, if you do want to come out to the people in your life, we’re breaking down some key steps you can take to get ready for whatever reactions may come your way. We’re breaking down: — Why coming out conversations can be important for authenticity and relationship health — The different "circles" of people you might consider coming out to (family, friends, work, etc.) — How geographical location and social context can impact coming out experiences — The importance of considering and discussing your partners' comfort levels and boundaries — Practical tips for planning and executing coming out conversations — Why it's okay to not have all the answers when you're first exploring non-monogamy — How to handle potentially invasive questions — Addressing the potential turn-on of secrecy in non-monogamous relationships — The value of celebrating your authentic self when coming out Resources mentioned in this episode: — Episode 89 of Playing with Fire: Learning the taxonomy of non-monogamy — Laura Boyle's book Monogamy, in This Economy? — The work of Sunny Megatron, Midori, and Mollena Williams-Haas JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    42 min
  3. 174 Social Monogamy: The Impact of Maintaining Your Mono-Image

    OCT 19

    174 Social Monogamy: The Impact of Maintaining Your Mono-Image

    It’s totally normal and understandable to want privacy around your relationships. Especially in a culture that can be less than understanding towards non-monogamous people. And, maintaining the social appearance of monogamy (AKA social monogamy), can come at a cost. For some people, maintaining social monogamy can lead to feelings of disconnection and inauthenticity. You can also get into some messy territory around consent and secrecy with your partners, especially if you have different privacy preferences. We’re not here to tell you how to live your life. We are here to help you navigate these tricky issues, and to help prepare you for the possibility of coming out as non-monogamous in the future. In this episode, we talk about: — The concept of default monogamy and how it shapes societal expectations — The differences between social monogamy, compulsory monogamy, and non-monogamy — The challenges of maintaining social monogamy while practicing non-monogamy — The potential impact of secrecy on relationships and personal well-being — Why it's important to have conversations about relationship visibility early on — How maintaining social monogamy can reinforce mono-normative structures — The complexities of coming out as non-monogamous, especially when children are involved — Why it's crucial to revisit decisions about relationship visibility periodically — The reality of discrimination against non-monogamous individuals and relationships Resources mentioned in this episode: — Angela Willey's academic papers on compulsory monogamy — Elizabeth Emmons' legal paper on monogamy assumptions — Emily Nagoski's work on desire and relationships JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    35 min
  4. 173 Getting off the Relationship Escalator (Or Choosing Not To)

    OCT 12

    173 Getting off the Relationship Escalator (Or Choosing Not To)

    Dating → becoming exclusive → moving in together → getting married → having kids. This is the assumed trajectory that all relationships will take. If you’ve already started exploring non-monogamy, you have some experience with breaking the mold. But even in non-monogamous relationships, it’s common to find yourself slipping back into the relationship escalator framework. This path is so ingrained, it’s easy to feel pressure, both internal and external, to fit your life into its rigid set of steps. We’ve been there, and we continue to work every day to question our own assumptions and tendencies. In this episode, we’re helping you reimagine relationships and relationship security beyond the confines of the relationship escalator. In this episode, we talk about: — What the relationship escalator is and how it shapes our expectations — Different types of escalators beyond just romantic relationships — Why getting off the escalator can be psychologically challenging — How to question relationship norms and make space for alternatives — The importance of building security outside of traditional relationship structures — Practical ways to shift language and interactions to be more inclusive Resources mentioned in this episode: — Amy Gahran's book Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator — Dr. Bella DePaulo’ book Single at Heart JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    35 min
  5. 172 Grieving Change: A Crucial Relationship Skill

    OCT 5

    172 Grieving Change: A Crucial Relationship Skill

    We do so much grieving in our lifetimes. And not just about the deaths of loved ones—every time there is a change in our lives, we lose an old version of something. That loss can bring up big feelings, and channeling those feelings into an intentional, conscious process of grieving can be hugely beneficial for your life and your relationships. Grieving relational change is a skill, and we made this episode to help you start building that skill, and to explore the complex web of emotions that come up when relationships evolve. In this episode, we talk about: — Expanding our understanding of grief beyond just death and loss — The difference between grieving and mourning — Why even positive changes can bring up feelings of grief — Real, imagined, conscious, and subconscious relationship futures — How to grieve the "imagined future" when relationships shift — The importance of acknowledging and processing grief during relationship transitions — Different methods of mourning, including rituals and symbolic action — Why avoiding grief work can keep us stuck and slow personal growth — How to approach grieving as a rite of passage — The value of community support when processing relationship changes JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    38 min
  6. 171 Why Self-Agreements Will Make or Break Your Relationships

    SEP 28

    171 Why Self-Agreements Will Make or Break Your Relationships

    If you have a hard time keeping relationship agreements, you probably also have a hard time keeping the agreements you make with yourself. If that’s you, or if you’ve never even tried to make self-agreements, you have to listen to this episode. This process shouldn’t feel like a punishment—I want you to make agreements with yourself that you actually want to uphold. And that’s not always a straightforward process. If you’re struggling, you’re so not alone. This isn’t entry-level work—it requires real skill-building, and we’re breaking down that learning process so you can start fostering integrity and consent with yourself. In this episode, we talk about: — Why some people struggle to stick to the agreements they've made — How past relationship experiences and attachment styles influence our approaches to agreements — The role of unconscious factors in undermining our commitments — Why self-agreement keeping is the first step to keeping agreements with other people — The benefits that come with not naturally being good at upholding agreements — Balancing flexibility with reliability in relationships — How to create effective response plans for when agreements aren't met — The importance of written agreements and reminders — Why punitive consequences often backfire, and how to use educative repercussions instead — Practical tools for improving agreement-making and follow-through Resources mentioned in this episode: — Gretchen Rubin’s 4 Tendencies Quiz — PWF Episode 149 Relationship Agreements 101 — PWF Episode 150 Asymmetric Agreements JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    53 min
  7. 170 Jealousy & Attachment Panic

    SEP 21

    170 Jealousy & Attachment Panic

    “Jealousy is just insecurity, so if you become more secure in yourself, you won't feel jealous anymore.” Ever heard that one before? We have, and we don’t agree. One of the reasons I love thinking about, talking about, and doing academic research on jealousy is that jealousy contains multitudes. Insecurity and attachment issues are just one of its many facets. People tend to over-simplify jealousy because it can feel like a loaded word. Jealousy can get all mixed up with fear, shame, guilt, attachment challenges, and a bunch of other tricky, tender stuff. We made this episode to help you untangle those feelings and frameworks without pathologizing or boxing in your emotions and experiences. On this episode, we’re talking about: — The complex and multiple nature of jealousy — How attachment and jealousy are related — Why jealousy is not a bad word, and why it’s actually one of our favorite things to talk about — Strategies for dealing with jealousy — Using nervous system regulation tools to help you move through experiences of jealousy — The importance of giving yourself permission to try new strategies, even if they might not work perfectly — How to disrupt habitual patterns and reactions to jealousy to achieve different outcomes in your life and your relationships — The power of patience and self-compassion when you are struggling with jealousy — How to create a jealousy rescue plan Resources mentioned in this episode: — The Jealousy Roadmap & The Jealousy Resource Center JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    45 min
  8. 169 Q&A Quickie: Why am I having such a hard time sticking to my agreements?

    SEP 14

    169 Q&A Quickie: Why am I having such a hard time sticking to my agreements?

    Relationship agreements are awesome. They can take you from a place of ambiguity and assumptions to a place of clarity and transparency. But what happens when the hardest part of relationship agreements is… actually… fulfilling them?? It can leave you feeling defeated and sh*tty. If you relate to that feeling, this episode is for you. There might be some tender spots, shadowy patterns, or subconscious desires hiding beneath the surface, and we’re going to help you unearth them. We’re also going to walk you through some crucial steps in the process of accountability and repair with your partner(s). In this episode, we’re talking about: — Ken’s struggles with keeping relationship agreements around timing and logistics — The importance of accountability after agreements have been broken — Determining whether or not a relationship is safe and in alignment with your needs after agreements are broken — Making agreements based on your values, and the difference between aspirational values and lived values — The power of nervous system regulation during the agreement-making and repair processes — How shadow work connects to struggles with relationship agreements — Awareness vs acceptance of patterns — The subconscious narratives that can underlie weaponized incompetence — Why differentiation is vital to the agreement-making and -keeping processes — Why this predicament can be strong material for your individuation journey — The power of iterative agreements instead of fixed ones Resources mentioned in this episode: — PWF Episode 149 Relationship Agreements 101 JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    42 min
See All (175)

4.9
out of 5
67 Ratings

About

Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.

Information

  • Creator
    Joli Hamilton
  • Years Active
    2020 - 2024
  • Episodes
    175
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © Joli Hamilton
  • Show Website
    Playing With Fire

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