Become A Calm Mama Darlynn Childress

Moms often start the summer feeling energized, encouraged and ready to go! Then around week 6 or 7, the kids are fighting, they never seem happy and everything sucks. This is your late summer pep talk to help you get out of that funk and get through the rest of summer.
If you're having a great summer, I love that for you. But if you're struggling, if you're burned out, resentful or overwhelmed, if you're feeling like your kids are out of control, then this is your episode. 
You’ll Learn:
Why this late summer with kids feels so tough (it’s totally normal!)How to get what you want out of the rest of the summerWhat to do when your kid’s behavior has gotten out of controlHow to fit mini breaks into your busy day
I’m giving you 3 strategies to help you reset your body, mind and limits. If you’re feeling crappy about how things are going, your kid is pushing boundaries or you’re just plain exhausted, these are for you.
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Believe me when I tell you that you are not the only one feeling this way. We’re in the doldrums of summer, where the initial excitement has worn off but it’s not back-to-school time just yet. 
Whatever You’ve Done Is EnoughIt’s easy to look around and think that other families have it easier, other moms seem happier and other kids are having more fun. 
But whatever you’ve done is enough.
Whether your kids are home or at camp, no matter what they’re doing, they’re probably going to look back on their summer as being pretty great. Because they’re not at school. 
Summer is magical for children. There’s fun and late nights and ice cream and maybe a vacation. You don’t have to create some unicorn magical experience for your kid in order to create a good feeling for them. 
So whatever you've done or whatever you've planned, I want you to sink into the fact that it's enough. Your kids are having a great summer because it's summer. That is enough.
 
Late Summer StrategiesThat being said, there’s some summer left to go, and you might need a little boost to help you through it.
This time of the summer can be a great time for a reset. I’m sharing 3 different strategies you can try.
 
Option #1: Mindset Reset
This reset will help you figure out what you want out of the rest of the summer and make it happen.
I often talk about chasing feelings, and this is exactly that. How do you want the rest of your summer to feel? How do you want to feel while it’s happening? 
Personally I have been feeling a bit discouraged, sad and disappointed lately, thinking things like, “This summer was wasted,” and “I didn’t plan well. I didn’t do it right.” So I’m working to shift to a more positive mindset. 
For the rest of my summer, I’m chasing connection. I want to feel really close to my kids. I’m practicing thoughts like, “I can make family time happen,” “My kids love hanging out with us,” “My kids want to be part of a family,” and “Connection happens in simple ways.”
From these thoughts, I’ll decide on some actions I want to take to feel that connection. Then, I’ll ask my kids if they’d be interested in or willing to do those things. If not, we’ll brainstorm together and come up with some new ideas. 
Choose the feeling you want to chase, come up with some thoughts that will help you feel that way and make a list of actions that will help you get the thing you want for the rest of the summer.
 
Option #2: Limit Reset
If your kids seem super dysregulated or you’re seeing a lot of sibling squabbles or out-of-bounds behavior, it might be time for a Limit Reset.
A big thing that happens during the summer is that we go outside of our boundaries and get loosey goosey...

Today, I’m talking about how to do a digital detox, why you should consider trying it and the benefits to your kids. Plus, I’ll give you tips and some ideas of what your kids can do when they aren't on screens.
You’ll Learn:
What a digital detox is and why you might do oneHow to know if now is the right time for a detoxWays a digital detox can benefit your kidsTips for doing a digital detox in your family
I always say my life’s mission is to heal the next generation in advance. One of the ways I want to help you do this is by giving you strategies to avoid overexposing your children to the virtual world while underexposing them to real life opportunities.
A digital detox takes screen time limits to another level. It is an intentional period of time (usually 2 to 3 weeks) when you’re taking screens off the table and resetting your child’s brain and nervous system. 
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When our kids spend a lot of time in the virtual world on screens, the big opportunity cost is that they aren’t spending that time doing real life stuff. 
Before we really get into it, I want to remind you that just listening to this podcast or reading this blog shows that you care about being a parent (and you’re already a really amazing one!). No need to judge or criticize yourself if you realize that there are some things you’d like to change.
 
Does Your Kid Need a Digital Detox?Kids’ brains were not built to be exposed to high levels of stimulation and dopamine all the time (which is what they get from screens). Digital entertainment can overload children’s nervous systems, increase their cortisol (a stress hormone) and make everything else seem boring. 
In our family, we introduced tech pretty slowly to our kids. They had really limited access to screens, and we didn’t give them video games until they were 10 and 12 years old. When the video games started, I immediately noticed intense dysregulation, more fighting and agitation. 
So, one summer, I decided to do our first detox. The first couple of days were a little rough, but I very quickly noticed that the intensity, dysregulation and frustration in our house cooled down. The kids started to play together more. They were more compliant. They were happier. So every once in a while over the next few years, we did a 2 or 3 week detox.
Tantrums and Big Feeling Cycles are normal, but these are some signs that there could be some screen overuse going on:
Screen time is getting in the way of real life connectionBehavioral concerns after screen time ends (tantrums, outbursts)Loss of interest in non-screen activitiesChild seems sad, anxious or withdrawnDifficulty expressing themselves or making eye contactIntense sibling fightsConstant complaints about being boredChild feels difficult to get along withStruggling in school or campChild has low-frustration toleranceChild’s ability to concentrate has decreased or not expanding 
Each kid’s nervous system and tolerance to screens is different. Ultimately, if your kid seems a little off-balance, I invite you to consider a digital detox. 
 
Benefits of a Digital DetoxOne of my clients recently shared with me that she thinks the reason they’re having such a good summer is because they’ve pulled back all devices, and the kids are just playing all the time. 
When you do a digital detox and your child knows in their mind that they don't have the option of getting a device, it forces their brain to find other solutions. If you give the brain the chance, it will rise to the occasion.
Here are some of the biggest benefits.
You’re giving your child the gift of...

Cultivating a screen free mindset is the first step to helping your kids develop a healthy relationship with technology. Today, you’ll learn what it means to have a screen free mindset (it doesn’t mean no screens ever!) and how to get started setting new limits with your family.
You’ll learn:
The problems with too much screen timeScreen time best practices for kids of all agesHow I managed screen time for my kids from the early days through the teen yearsGuidelines to help you adopt a screen free mindsetExamples of limits around screen use (including what to do when they won’t turn it off)
While you may not approach technology use in exactly the same way I have with my family, I hope this information will help you figure out what you want your family’s guidelines to be. 
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As a parenting coach, I’ll never tell you what your values should be or what you should or shouldn’t do. My goal is to help you understand what your values are and give you strategies to help your life align with the values you choose. 
Ultimately, what I stand for is raising kids in a way that does not cause harm. As more research comes out about technology and screen use, we’re seeing that too much screen use actually does harm children. 
There aren’t a lot of protections for kids in the virtual world. Tech companies aren’t interested in limiting children's use because they get more money and data from that use. This means that it falls to parents to create those limits.
Today, I’ll provide some best practices for kids and screens. While you may not approach technology use in exactly the same way I have with my family, I hope this information will help you figure out what you want your family’s guidelines to be. 
 
Screen Use Best PracticesWhen it comes to things like sleep and nutrition, most of us have a general idea of what kids need. You can use those guidelines as a baseline ideal. You know how you want your kids to eat and how much sleep you want them to get, but you also know that some days will be closer to that ideal than others. 
The Centers for Disease Control, Pediatrics Magazine and the Journal of Adolescent Health (among others) are starting to establish similar guidelines for kids and screens. For our purposes, screens include tv, phone, tablet, computer or any other devices. 
Here’s what they’ve laid out by age:
0 to 3 years old - no screens3 to 7 years old - 30-60 minutes per day7 to 12 years old - about an hour a day12 to 15 years old - 1.5 hours per day16 and older - 2 hours per day
Currently, most kids ages 5 and up are getting around 5 hours per day of discretionary screen time - far beyond the recommended amount.
And studies have shown that kids who have more than the recommended amount of screen time tend to have worse executive functioning, declines in academic performance, delayed language development and detrimental effects on social and emotional growth. They are also more likely to have obesity, sleep disorders, or mental health conditions like depression and anxiety. 
 
Screen Free MindsetIf this is a little overwhelming to you, you’re not alone. Kids love screens, and you’re a busy mom. It’s hard to manage the time and boredom and all of it. But you can start with small changes, including the way you think about screens and your family.  
Screen free mindset means that you make an intentional decision that your child's free, unstructured time should be screen free as the default choice. For example, if you’re waiting at the doctor’s office or in a restaurant, rather than handing them your phone, you decide that it will be screen-free time. 
The idea is that,...

During the summer, kids have the opportunity for more leisure time, free play and creativity. But as a parent, you might not like the way your kid acts when they’re bored. 
In this episode, you’ll learn why encouraging boredom is a good thing and how you can feel more at peace when your kids are bored, dysregulated and frustrated this summer. 
You’ll learn:
Why kids act out when they’re boredHow to handle your kid’s boredomWhy encouraging boredom is great for the whole familyHow to create opportunities for your kids to practice being bored and working through it
When we give our kids opportunities to be imaginative, creative and overcome boredom, they also develop resilience, grit and confidence. It is powerful for your child to realize that they can deal with discomfort and figure out a solution.
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The Boredom GapIt can help to think about boredom as the time between activities. I call this the “boredom gap”. 
Kids are used to having most of their day filled with structure and adult-directed activities. But the way they act when they’re bored is often an obstacle to giving them more of that free unstructured time that kids need.
When kids are bored, they get dysregulated. Basically, they feel out of balance and uncomfortable. They don't know what to do with that discomfort, so they start acting out. They start bugging their sibling, complaining, being grumpy, having a big feeling cycle, or doing something naughty.
Your tendency might be to jump in and give a bunch of suggestions of things your kid can do. I love having some ideas for boredom busters handy, but you have to offer them up at the right time.
Often, we jump in with suggestions before our kids are ready. There’s a cycle that your child’s brain needs to go through when it is dysregulated, and they might not be ready yet for solutions. 
When your kid is bored and dysregulated, their brain is uncomfortable. It is looking for the easiest way to soothe that discomfort. 
Screens are a really common request when kids are bored because it’s an easy dopamine hit. It’s the quick fix that makes them feel better in the short term, but it isn’t going to truly satisfy them. Think of it as being hungry and choosing a brownie over broccoli. Plus, the more time kids spend on devices, the more their brains crave that fast, easy stimulation. 
 
How To Handle BoredomWait. You have to get comfortable with your kid’s discomfort. Be compassionate and acknowledge what is happening. Look at your child and think, “Oh, they don't know what to do with themselves. They're bored, and they haven't figured out something to do with their brain yet.” 
If you need to calm yourself during this time, try thoughts like, “I can handle this,” or “I know they’re going to find a solution.”
Connect. If your child is acting dysregulated, you can use the Connection Tool to ask them if they’re having a rough time or feeling frustrated. Instead of trying to shut down their complaining, recognize that they are struggling and give them space to release some of that stress juice. 
It’s important to soothe before you solve. Narrate what you’re seeing. Help them name what they’re feeling. The mental discomfort of boredom can also bring up feelings of loneliness, frustration or annoyance. Offer strategies for them to soothe themself. 
Encourage problem solving. Once they are a bit calmer, say, “It’s normal to feel bored. That makes sense. I’m sure you’ll figure out a solution.” You can ask about their ideas or if they

We know that play is fun, but there is so much more to it than that. Today, I’m talking about the importance of play-based childhoods, why our society has moved away from them and some strategies to bring play back into your family and create a play-based childhood for your kid.
You’ll Learn:
The importance of play for our kidsWhy play is a challenge in our current societyThe key elements of playHow to create a play-based childhood for your kidIdeas for child-led, open-ended games and toys
One of the most important things to understand is that learning happens through experience, not information. Play allows kids to struggle and learn in ways that feel fun, interesting and challenging.
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Kids want to play, and they need to play. They have a lot to learn before they become adults, and experience (i.e. play) is the key to emotional, psychological, physical and cultural development.
Why Play Is ImportantThe true purpose of play is for kids to learn how to be adults. They have to learn to move their bodies in a variety of ways, navigate a complex environment, develop fine motor skills, learn to interact with others and build lots of brain skills (both neurological and psychological). 
One of the most important things to understand is that learning happens through experience, not information. I like to joke that if lectures worked, I would not have a job. Kids don’t listen when we tell them how to act. They have to go through hard things, experience the impacts and figure it out for themselves. 
Play allows kids to struggle and learn in ways that feel fun, interesting and challenging. It works best when kids have unstructured time to explore their creativity, relationships, conflict, responsibility, and lots of other valuable skills. When we provide this open time, our kids learn faster and they start to understand how the world works. 
Play in our SocietyAs a society, we have moved away from play-based childhood and more toward structured, academic enrichment environments or screen-based childhoods. There are several reasons this has happened. 
Sometime around the early 90s, a lot more kids started applying to college and it became much more competitive. So, as a society, we started to work more to prepare kids for academic achievement and college admissions, even from a very young age. 
This led to more academic enrichment activities and a lot more structure. Don’t get me wrong - learning a foreign language, practicing an instrument, playing sports and taking art classes are cool, but when we fill kids’ schedules with more and more of these adult-led activities, there’s less time left over for unstructured play, curiosity and creativity. 
Sometimes, even families who want that unstructured time struggle because their kids’ friends are unavailable to come over to play or go to the park. So they end up enrolling their kids in more activities because that’s what their friends are doing. 
We are also living in a car-centric society. Many of us live in cities or areas where our kids can’t really get places on their own. There aren’t open spaces to explore, and they rely on parents to take them places. 
And many of us have lost some social connection. Maybe you don’t know your neighbors very well or your kids don’t go to the same school as other neighborhood kids. 
Finally, 24-hour news channels and constant alerts on our phones and social media feeds are putting negative news stories in our face that are meant to alarm us. Because of this, we don’t trust other adults as much, and we want to protect...

Who better to talk about strategies for grandparents, than one of the best grandparents I know? I’m so excited to have my mother-in-law, Judie Childress, on the podcast with me today talking all about how parenting has changed over the years and what happens when the worlds of parenting and grandparenting collide. 
You’ll Learn:
How my mother-in-law learned about compassionate parenting as I raised my sonsWhy it’s sometimes hard to be a grandparentHow to communicate your parenting approach to your parents or in-lawsStrategies for grandparents to be a supportive part of your parenting journey
In most cases, grandparents likely aren’t trying to control you and your family. They love you and your kids. They worry about you and want the best for all of you. Learn how to include them in your parenting journey.
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A Different Way of ParentingJudie and her husband raised their kids with a more traditional parenting style. She explains that in those days, there was no parenting class. You parented your kids the way that you were parented. It truly was a tradition that was passed down from generation to generation. 
As parents, we’re all doing the best we can with what we know. And for the most part, kids raised with a traditional parenting model turn out okay. The problem comes in when it works on the outside (managing behavior), but the inside sometimes doesn’t get the same support. You might grow up to be successful and know how to function in the world but still lack emotional awareness. It can also erode the relationship between parent and child and the relationship your child has with themself.
When my kids were young and I was starting to get into compassionate parenting, Judie says there were a few incidents, times when her traditional parenting style was not working, that made her a believer. She realized that she needed a new way of communicating that wouldn’t lead to explosive episodes with the kids. She also shares that she would get really triggered when the kids blew up because she still had things to work through herself. 
Judie says that our feelings “don't just evaporate. They get buried in us, and they stay with us until we can deal with them, or they come up again somehow.” She sees how, even as adults, people try to keep their feelings below the surface because nobody ever taught them what to do with them.
 
Grandparent StrugglesOften, grandparents struggle because they still feel the need to parent their child (you) to teach you how to parent your own child. They’re still thinking that it’s their job to teach you how to be, what to do and how to live. 
If you’re seeking advice or trying things that are outside of your parent’s experience or values, they might feel that they’re being disrespected. They might fear that you’re being too permissive or that you and your kid are going down the wrong path. 
And it’s true that traditional and compassionate parenting look different from each other. Behavior modification is quicker with traditional strategies of rewards, bribes, threats, disconnection or fear. With compassionate parenting, you often don’t get immediate compliance. It’s a slower, longer game. 
 
Strategies For GrandparentsIn Judie's view, if you want your parents or in-laws to understand this new way of parenting, the best thing is to live it out in front of them. Let them see the way you interact with your kids and how you handle big feelings and behaviors when they come up. 
Another thing that can be helpful for grandparents to understand is that this is not a feelings-only model (aka permissive parenting). We address feelings first and behavior second. After getting calm and...