Boundaries Queen Victoria Priya, LCSW

Welcome to the second part of this six-episode exploration of the boundaries-setting process. I’ll assume you’ve already listened to the previous episode about step one; if you haven’t, please go listen to that one and then come back to this episode.
Now that you’ve identified a specific situation or event that you need to set a boundary around in the previous episode, it’s time to get clear about your reality as it relates to that incident or situation. To really understand what’s going on, we’ll examine the experience from three angles. First, there’s what you experienced with your five senses—that is, what you could record with a video camera (plus smell and taste). From there, I’ll walk you through how to examine your thoughts about what you experienced. Finally, we’ll explore your emotions, and how they correlate with the thoughts you identified.
Don’t worry if any of this sounds complicated! I’ll use a specific, clear example throughout the episode to help you understand each facet of this step to empower you to work through it with your own situation.

 
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #8:
There are three parts to step two:
What you experienced with your five senses
What you thought about what you experienced
What emotions you felt 
Understanding the difference between what actually happened and your thoughts about what happened is vital. Thinking that someone did something because they don’t care about you doesn’t make that true, for example.
Your emotions are almost exclusively determined by what you think, not what happened. This may sound counterintuitive at first, but keep an open mind as you get increasingly familiar with this process.

 
Highlights from Episode #8:
Victoria welcomes listeners to this episode, the second in a six-episode series. [00:31] The second step involves getting clear about your reality. Victoria creates a fictional case study to illustrate her points through this episode. [02:07] We hear about the first part of step two: exploring what you experienced with your five senses. [06:36] Examining the facts you experienced with your senses helps you avoid confusing facts with thoughts. [09:22] Victoria moves on to talking about the second part of step two: your thoughts. [10:16] The third part of step two involves your emotions. [12:11] Victoria explains the relationship between your emotions and your thoughts, and offers an example of how thoughts often outpower data when it comes to your emotions. [16:10] We hear some pro tips for working through this step of the boundaries-setting process. [20:13] Victoria briefly recaps the episode. If you’re listening to this episode before May 7, 2024, you can still take advantage of Victoria’s preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries for Dummies, her forthcoming book. [21:50]  
Links and Resources:
Preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries for Dummies
Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
Victoria Priya
Beyond Bitchy podcast
6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook
 

If you tuned in to the previous episode, you already know the basics of my 6-step boundaries clarifying process. To get beyond the basics, I’m going to do a series of six episodes, one for each step of the process—and this is the first of that series. 
Today, I’ll explore the first step of the process, which involves getting very clear about the problem. You’ll hear me say this several times in the episode, but one of the biggest things I want you to take away from listening is that you need to focus on one specific event or incident, not an ongoing pattern.
One final note: as you work through this 6-step process, keep in mind that boundaries work the same way in all adult-to-adult relationships. You might make different decisions based on who the other person involved is, but the process itself is the same regardless of the other person’s relationship to you.

 
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #7:
In this process, you can’t focus on a pattern of behavior or a repeated situation. Step 1, today’s topic, is all about getting clear on the problem and identifying a specific situation instead of a pattern (yes, even if it’s hard to focus on just one incident!).
There are various signs that suggest you may need a boundary without realizing it. These include encountering points of stress, feeling emotional pain, experiencing severe consequences in relationships, or being unable to resolve a disagreement.
Pay attention to what isn’t working for you. It’s easy to focus on what isn’t working for the other person or on what they want, but it’s important to establish what you want and figure out how to honor that.

Highlights from Episode #7:
Welcome to the seventh episode of the Boundaries Queen Podcast! [00:31]
Victoria explains that the six-step process applies to any boundary with anyone, and doesn’t vary depending on who the other person is. [02:16]
This episode will involve various examples of situations where it might not be obvious that you need a boundary. [05:14]
Experiencing stressful situations, having arguments, or painful relationship patterns can indicate that you might need to create limits. [10:06]
We learn some guidelines that can indicate the need for a boundary. [12:22]
Victoria talks about one of the most important factors in working through step 1. [15:01]
Experiencing a severe consequence or not being able to resolve a disagreement can be a sign that you need a boundary. [18:54]
The frequency or perceived quality of sexual intimacy is a frequent area of ongoing disagreement. [22:15]
Disagreements about money can also signal a need for boundaries. [23:54]
Experiencing a broken agreement or commitment indicates that something isn’t working. Victoria gives some advice on what to do if this happens. [25:17]
We hear two pro tips for how to work your way through step 1 successfully. [27:43]
Victoria created a 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook to help you walk through the steps of this process. [31:04]
We hear a quick recap of this episode and a brief introduction to what’s coming in next week’s episode. Finally, if you’re listening to this episode before May 7, 2024, you can still take advantage of Victoria’s preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries for Dummies. [31:26]



Links and Resources:
Preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries for Dummies
Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
Victoria Priya
Beyond Bitchy podcast
6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook
 

If you’re familiar with my work or you’ve listened to my previous podcast, you might be surprised by the six steps I’m talking about now, because I’ve previously talked about a five-step process. This just proves my point that there’s always more to say about boundaries! I’ve added a new step at the beginning to help you get clear on a specific situation rather than looking at patterns before going on with the next steps.
To make these six steps clear, I’ll use a case study example throughout: an imaginary Uncle Joe stopping by your house unannounced. Come along for the journey as I talk about this scenario and how to work through it across these six steps. Once you understand how the six-step process applies to Uncle Joe, you can use this case study as an example of how to take your own situation through the boundaries clarifier process.
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #6:
Instead of focusing on a pattern when you’re working on creating a new boundary, focus on a specific incident (yes, even if this is an ongoing problem that has been driving you crazy for years).
Creating strong, healthy boundaries involves having a clear understanding of the situation and what you need from it. The 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook helps you work your way through creating a boundary that will achieve the results you need—and this episode gives you tips and insight into how to best use this workbook.
Having these six steps in your mind will help you figure out how to face difficult situations. Once they’re fully ingrained into you, you’ll be able to walk through the process on the fly.

Highlights from Episode #6:
Victoria welcomes listeners to this episode and recommends listening to the show in order. [00:31] Today’s episode is all about getting an overview of the six steps involved in identifying, creating, and maintaining boundaries. [02:55] Victoria lists the six steps to orient listeners before exploring each one in more depth. [07:51] We hear about step one in more detail with common examples. [09:05] There are two related pro tips for the first step: focus on one incident at a time, and don’t focus on a pattern. [12:31] The second step involves getting clear about your reality through three factors. [17:11] Victoria gives some tips for working on step two. [20:30] We learn how step two applies to the case study about Uncle Joe. [23:11] The third step is about clarifying your needs, and has two parts. Victoria also offers tips on how to work through this step. [25:58] In step four, you explore where your power lies before you take action. [28:54] Victoria offers pro tips on step four, which can be a tricky part of the process. [30:45] We hear about how step four works in relation to Uncle Joe. [33:35] Victoria shares her pro tips for step five, which is taking action to create a boundary. [36:50] The last step involves evaluating your results and seeing what went wrong if the process wasn’t successful. VIctoria also offers several tips for this step. [38:13] Victoria briefly reviews the six steps for creating boundaries. [41:20] Thank you for listening! If it’s before May 7, 2024, you can still take advantage of Victoria’s preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries for Dummies. [42:12]
Links and Resources:
Preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries for Dummies Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon Victoria Priya Beyond Bitchy podcast Radiant Threefold Path Podcast Episode #20: Taking Care of Overwhelming Emotions 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook  

How do you know when you need to set a boundary? Sometimes it’s obvious, but sometimes it’s more challenging to know—or that you have the power and the right to set one! 

In this episode, I’ll share three signs that point to the need to set a boundary. Uncomfortable emotions, repeating stories and complaints, and even certain types of people in your life can all be signs that it’s time to set a boundary to give yourself more space, peace, and freedom. Knowing what to look for (and in the case of certain people, what to expect afterward) can help you as you move forward with your boundary work.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #5:

We mostly think about boundaries being with other people, but you can also set boundaries with yourself, and these can be just as (or more) valuable. Certain emotions can indicate that you might need to set a boundary. For example, if you feel angry or overwhelmed, ask yourself if you need to set a boundary or limit to help you. Pay attention to persistent complaints or repeated victim stories. If you complain about the same thing or person over and over, you likely need to set a boundary. You may need to set a boundary if you have people in your life who tend to push back on the limits you try to set with them.
Highlights from Episode #5:

Welcome to the fourth episode, which will help you understand when you need to set a boundary. [00:31] Victoria gives a clear example of a time when a boundary is obviously necessary. [02:02] Three categories of your experiences can point toward needing to set a boundary. [03:10] The first category that suggests you may need a boundary is your emotions. [04:28] Persistent complaints or repeated victim stories can also suggest the need for setting a boundary. [08:03] The third sign you might need to set a boundary involves behavior from other people in your life. [09:51] Victoria briefly recaps the episode, invites listeners to subscribe, and explains that if you’re listening before May 7, 2024, you can still get the preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries For Dummies! [12:03]
Links and Resources:

Preorder bonuses For Personal Boundaries For Dummies Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon Victoria Priya Pia Mellody

Boundaries—the limits you place on yourself and others—have two primary functions: protecting you and other, and defining who you are. If you’re familiar with boundaries, especially the comparison of boundaries to fences, the first function (protection) probably makes sense.

The second function may be less intuitive, but as you’ll learn today, your boundaries define who you are. In short, you’re constantly making decisions about everything from what you eat to what kind of car you drive to how you spend your time. These decisions are all boundaries, because every choice you make rules out hundreds or thousands of other choices. All of these choices demonstrate who you are and how you choose to present yourself.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #4:

There are four primary types of boundaries: physical, sexual, speaking, and listening. Of these, the listening boundary is the most difficult. The four main types of boundaries ultimately have two primary functions. They protect you and others, and they define you and how you present yourself to the world.
Highlights from Episode #4:

Victoria welcomes listeners to the fourth episode, which will explore the two primary functions of boundaries. [00:31] We learn about the first of the two main functions of boundaries: protection. [02:57] The listening boundary is challenging and deserves further exploration in a future episode, but Victoria introduces it here. [05:09] Victoria talks about the second function of boundaries: defining who you are. [07:40] We hear a quick recap of the points in this episode. Please subscribe so you won't miss an episode, and if you’re listening before May 7, 2024, check out the preorder bonuses available for Personal Boundaries For Dummies! [09:18]
Links and Resources:

Preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries For Dummies Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon Victoria Priya Beyond Bitchy Podcast Beyond Bitchy three-part series on the listening boundary: part 1, part 2, and part 3

Believing that you set a boundary when you actually haven’t is a common problem you'll encounter when you're learning about boundaries. This episode will help you make sure that doesn’t happen to you! Keep in mind that the boundaries I talk about are in adult-to-adult relationships; boundaries with children operate differently.

If you’re wondering whether you’ve created a boundary with another person, ask yourself this question: have you made a request, and has the other person agreed? If not, you haven’t set a boundary. Telling someone what you’d like them to do or not do, making demands, and other unilateral (one-sided) interactions don’t create boundaries. If you're uncertain, confused, or you're wondering whether you actually have a boundary, this episode is for you.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #3: Six Common Examples of What Boundaries Aren’t

Demands. If you make a demand of another adult, you haven’t set a boundary. You can only create a boundary by making a request and creating an agreement. When you misinterpret a request as a demand. When you wrongly believe that making a request is a demand. Telling someone what you want them to do. Expressing your wants doesn’t create a boundary. Making a request that doesn't create an agreement. If the other person doesn’t say “yes,” you don’t have an agreement. The belief that your expectations create a boundary or obligation for another person.
Highlights from Episode #3:

Welcome to the third episode of the Boundaries Queen Podcast! Ready to learn about how to recognize when you don’t have a boundary? [00:31] This episode will offer six common examples of what boundaries aren’t, so you can see when you don’t have a boundary. [02:30] Victoria touches on the topic of boundaries with children, and shares a piece of advice she received. [03:26] The first example of what boundaries aren't involves making demands instead of boundaries. [08:16] We hear about the second and third examples that Victoria is exploring today. [10:42] Telling someone what you want them to do also isn’t a boundary. [12:57] We hear about the fifth example, which involves not getting an agreement from the other person, and the sixth example, which revolves around expectations. [15:04] Victoria talks about one specific word that can tip you off that you have an expectation. [18:14] Remember to subscribe to keep learning about boundaries! And if you’re listening to this episode before May 7, 2024, you can still take advantage of the preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries For Dummies. [19:26]
Links and Resources:

Preorder bonuses For Personal Boundaries for Dummies Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon Victoria Priya Beyond Bitchy Podcast