Boundaries Queen Victoria Priya, LCSW

Of the four primary boundaries, the listening boundary is by far the most difficult. This is largely because all of us have preinstalled “filters” that impact how we hear and receive others’ words (both spoken and written). In other words, your beliefs, biases, experiences, and a host of other factors impact how you hear what others communicate—meaning it’s incredibly difficult to accurately receive or take in the words others say.

The listening boundary also involves only taking in what is true for you rather than simply accepting others’ words as reality. In fact, negative emotions are often a signal that you’ve taken in (or believed) another person’s perception that isn’t your truth.

If you're curious to learn more about how the listening boundary works and how it protects you and others, tune into this episode. In addition to exploring this boundary, I’ll offer basic tools to help you improve the listening boundary, including putting on your reporter hat, recording the speaker’s actual words, staying curious, and receiving others’ words impersonally.

 

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #16:

The primary purpose of listening is to discover, to know, and to understand who the speaker is. If you’re getting agitated or impatient, or thinking about what you’re going to say next, you have probably stoppped listening well or attentively. When your listening boundary is functioning well, you have the ability to hear (or read) the words that someone says to you in a highly accurate way and to reflect on what you’ve heard with minimum filters before you respond. Listening boundary violations include being deliberately distracted, refusing to listen, leaving in the middle of a sentence, changing the subject abruptly, rolling your eyes, or being unavailable during conversation.
 

Highlights from Episode #16:

Victoria welcomes listeners to the last episode in the series exploring the four primary boundaries and talks about our preinstalled filters. [00:31] We hear a couple examples of situational preinstalled filters. [03:10] When you’re improving your listening boundary, examine and discover what your filters are. Victoria also explains the primary purpose of listening. [05:55] High-quality listening is a form of emotional labor—which may explain why good listeners are so rare. [08:51] Victoria gives an example of what it can look like to be reactive. [11:52] We hear the definition of a listening boundary, as well as a couple of examples of maintaining your own perceptions. [13:37] What does it look like when you’re protecting yourself with listening boundaries? [16:30] Victoria offers recommendations for what to do if someone calls you “rude,” “inconsiderate,” or  a similar perception-based term. [19:16] We learn what it looks like when you’re protecting others with your listening boundaries. [21:50] Victoria gives a short list of listening boundary violations. [24:04] Victoria offers some basic listening tools to help you improve your listening boundary. [27:03] We hear a brief description of some more advanced tools, which Victoria will cover in detail in future episodes. [33:03] Victoria recaps what she has covered in today’s episode and where to learn more and invites listeners to subscribe to the show. [37:54]
 

Links and Resources:

Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon Victoria Priya 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook Beyond Bitchy Podcast Beyond Bitchy Podcast three-part “Listening Boundary” series: The Listening Boundary Part 1 The Listening Boundary Part 2 (How It Works) The Listening Boundary Part 3: High Quality Listening = Higher Quality Responses Byron Katie Pia Mellody  

The idea of having a speaking boundary may sound strange at first, but by the end of this episode, I hope you’ll understand how a healthy speaking or talking boundary can protect both you and those around you. 
When your speaking boundary isn’t working well, you can come across as rude, dismissive, critical, or even contemptuous. On the other hand, a healthy speaking boundary means that you’re speaking in a way that makes your words easier to receive and easier to hear, because you’re clear, coherent, and respectful. This means you’ll avoid saying things you’ll regret or feel guilty about, reduce the number of situations you create where you need to apologize, and make it easier for others to listen to you and truly hear what you’re saying.
Tune in to learn all about the speaking boundary, including why it’s so important. I’ll also give you four tools that you can use to start working on this boundary today, allowing you to improve your relationships and communicate even more effectively.
 
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #15:
Speaking boundaries are the essential filter between what you’re thinking and what you say. A highly functioning speaking boundary means that you use your filter to speak respectfully and relationally.
When your speaking boundaries are functioning well, you share your thoughts, perceptions, opinions, and emotions with other people in a clear, respectful way.
Some powerful tools include getting clear about the facts, using “I” statements in a respectful way, being honest with yourself about the other person’s capacity to really hear you, and leading with agreement.

Highlights from Episode #15:
Welcome to this episode, which is all about the speaking boundary. Victoria reminds listeners that the four primary boundaries apply both to yourself and others. [00:31]
Victoria defines speaking boundaries and talks about some of the benefits of having a proficient speaking boundary. [02:21]
Your speaking boundaries can make it easier for others to listen to you. [05:26]
Victoria explores what functional speaking boundaries look like. [08:51]
We hear about some tools that will help you with the speaking boundary. [10:00]
The third of Victoria’s suggested tools involves assessing the other person’s capacity to listen to you. The fourth tool is leading with agreement. [13:26]
What do healthy speaking boundaries look like when you’re protecting yourself? [17:31]
Victoria talks about zones of intimacy and zones of privacy, as well as how a healthy speaking boundary protects you. [19:56]
We learn about protecting others with your speaking boundaries. [21:24]
What do speaking boundary violations look like? [24:08]
Victoria explains that many people aren’t aware of being contemptuous. [26:59]
Blaming or shaming another person is also a speaking boundary violation. [28:48]
We hear how attempts to coerce or control are also violations of the speaking boundary. [30:33]
Victoria talks about refusing to speak, or stonewalling, as a speaking boundary violation. [32:39]
We hear a quick preview of what’s coming next week, and Victoria mentions that you can learn more about all of these boundaries in her new book Personal Boundaries for Dummies. [33:50]
 
Links and Resources:
Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
Victoria Priya
6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook
Fierce Intimacy by Terry Real
Drs. John & Julie Gottman
 

Of the four primary boundaries, the sexual boundary is the most controversial and the one that people have the most opinions about. In today’s episode, I want to simplify this messy, complicated topic so you can more easily implement your own healthy sexual boundaries. 
Sexual boundaries are non-negotiable. No one gets to decide whether or how they touch you sexually without your permission—and you get to decide what you consider sexual. It’s up to you to decide which of your body parts you consider to be sexual, for example, and what you define as sexual activities. Your sexual boundaries are absolutely influenced by your value system, but ultimately you get to make your own decisions.

 
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #14:
Your sexual boundaries are your physical body as you engage in sexual activity (with yourself or with another person), the specific parts of your body that you consider to be sexual, and activities with another person that you define as sexual.
When sexual boundaries are operating well, you decide with whom, how, when, and where you’re sexual. You don’t touch another person sexually without their permission. You have the ability and freedom to refrain from or engage in sexual activity with another person.
Receiving a “no” can be painful, but it’s never personal. Another person’s “no” is always about them, never about the person receiving that “no.”

Highlights from Episode #14:
Victoria welcomes listeners to this episode, the second in a series about the four primary boundaries, and recaps points from last week that are relevant to all boundaries. [00:31]
We hear some definitions of sexual boundaries. [05:28]
What do functional sexual boundaries look like? [07:40]
Victoria explains why sexual boundaries are so controversial and difficult to talk about. [09:40]
We learn about the value of getting clear about your value system when it comes to sexual behavior. [14:36]
Victoria talks about protecting others with your sexual boundaries, and accepting another person’s “no.” [16:27]
Honoring someone else’s boundary creates freedom and spaciousness. [20:23]
Victoria talks about what broken sexual boundaries look like, starting with demanding sex. [23:43]
Ignoring another person’s “no” is another boundary violation, as is engaging in inappropriate sexual conversation. [25:42]
Exposing another person to unwanted sexual experiences is another violation, as is touching another person without their permission. [28:33]
Victoria reiterates that your sexual decisions and preferences are your right. She then discusses another boundary violation: talking about another person’s body. [31:30]
Refusing to give somebody privacy is another boundary violation. [34:02]
Victoria talks about claiming a right to another person’s body. [35:28]
Victoria wraps up the episode with a sneak peek of a coming conversation with a colleague about sexual boundaries. She invites listeners to learn more about the sexual boundary in her new book Personal Boundaries for Dummies, and to subscribe to the show. [38:52]
 
Links and Resources:
Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
Victoria Priya
6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook
Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 13: Physical Boundaries: Protecting Your Body and Your Belongings
 

There are four primary boundaries: the physical boundary, the sexual boundary, the speaking/talking boundary, and the listening boundary. Today’s episode is the first in a four-part series in which I’ll cover each of these boundaries in turn. Before digging into the physical boundary in detail, though, I’ll cover some basics of these primary boundaries in general, so don’t miss this episode.
One deeply important point that I’ll cover but want to reiterate here is that physical boundaries are non-negotiable; a “no” is a “no.” This applies both to you and to other people, meaning that other people need to respect your boundaries around respecting your personal space and touching you and your belongings, and you need to do the same for them. Keep in mind that this applies to everyone—yes, even your relatives or your spouse.
 
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #13:
Boundaries from all four of the primary categories are doing one of two things: protecting yourself from someone or something else, or protecting another person from you.
We each experience the four primary boundaries on a continuum reaching from not having enough of that boundary (meaning you’re unprotected or too vulnerable) to having too much of that boundary or too many boundaries (meaning you’re too protected or figuratively behind a wall). When your boundaries are in balance, you know how to feel protected and be appropriately vulnerable at the same time.
You are the one who gets to decide how close you want to be to other people physically. When your physical boundaries are operating well, you let others know how close they can get to you physically and you determine the access they have to your physical belongings—and respect the same from them.



Highlights from Episode #13:
Welcome to this episode, which is all about physical boundaries. Victoria shares some recommendations for how to proceed if this is your first episode. [00:31]
This is the first episode in a four-part series about the primary boundaries. [03:57]
Victoria offers some information that applies to all four of the primary boundaries, and shares a personal example of how boundaries can protect others from you. [06:08]
We learn that the four primary boundaries are experienced on a continuum. [10:33]
Victoria explains that the boundaries continuum would look like an oval rather than a straight line. [13:56]
We hear examples to illustrate how someone can be on two ends of the continuum for the same boundary. [16:42]
Victoria starts the explanation specifically around physical boundaries. [18:06]
What does it look like when you’re protecting others with your physical boundaries? [22:28]
Physical (and sexual) boundaries being non-negotiable is true even with a spouse. [24:16]
Victoria talks about separation and divorce, and how they relate to your physical boundary. [26:03]
We hear some examples of what physical boundary violations or broken physical boundaries look like. [29:06]
Victoria recaps the points she has covered today and mentions that you can get information about all four primary boundaries in her new book Personal Boundaries for Dummies[31:19]
 
Links and Resources:
Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
Victoria Priya
6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook
Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 7: Step 1: Start With Knowing What Isn’t Working
Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 1: Getting Started With Boundaries
Beyond Bitchy Podcast
Beyond Bitchy Podcast three-part “Listening Boundary” series: 
The Listening Boundary Part 1
The Listening Boundary Part 2 (How It Works)
The Listening Boundary Part 3: High Quality Listening = Higher Quality Responses
 

If you’ve been following along with the six-step boundaries clarifier process, you’ve already created a boundary and taken action. But there’s still one more step: evaluating how things went to see what (if anything) went wrong and whether you need to work through the process again.
Resolving any problems that occurred during the boundary-setting process involves identifying the reason why things went wrong. In this episode, I’ll go over various types of problems (from unsuccessful boundary creation to broken agreements) and offer guidance on how to move forward from each of them.
 
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #12:
This step isn’t always necessary. If you had the power to create a boundary and did so successfully, or created an agreement successfully, you’re done!
If you were unsuccessful because you didn’t follow through or successfully create an agreement, the solution is simple: recommit to taking the action in step 5. Telling someone else what you intend to do may help, because it creates accountability.
If the problem resulted from a misunderstood agreement between you and another person, the solution is to revise and review your agreements, ensuring that they’re clear, specific, and measurable. For example, instead of agreeing to save “more money,” specify a dollar amount.



Highlights from Episode #12:
Victoria welcomes listeners to the sixth and final episode in the series about the 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier process. [00:31]
We hear a quick recap of the first five steps of the process, and learn that step six, the subject of this episode, isn’t always necessary. [01:51]
Victoria offers some examples of reasons why a boundary may not be successful. [04:25]
The first solution relates to boundaries in which you didn’t follow through successfully in step 5. [06:19]
What if you thought you had a clear agreement, but the other person had a different understanding? [09:18]
Victoria talks about what to do if there’s an unsuccessful boundary when one or both people broke an agreement. [11:58]
We learn about how to handle simple situations of the other person having no buy-in to the agreement they made. [15:43]
Victoria sums up the four options for what to do when a boundary isn’t successful, and talks about why you may choose to do nothing. [16:46]
Ask yourself these three questions before you decide to do nothing after an unsuccessful boundary or a broken agreement. [19:55]
We hear three pro tips for working through this step. [22:04]
Victoria sums up the topics she has covered today and invites listeners to follow the show to get notified about new episodes, and to check out her new book Personal Boundaries for Dummies. [23:28]
 
Links and Resources:
Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
Victoria Priya
6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook
Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 7: Step 1: Start With Knowing What Isn’t Working
Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 8: Step 2: Get Clear about Your Reality
Pia Mellody
 

If you’ve been following along through these episodes, you may be both excited and nervous to hear that now, in step 5, it’s time to take action based on everything you’ve worked through up to this point. 
The options you explored in the previous step directly correlate to the actions possible here—so if you completed step 4 thoroughly, you should already have a pretty good idea of what you’re doing now. But that doesn’t necessarily make it easy, so this episode is all about helping you learn the best ways to follow through and take action.
One big tip I’d like to share is that if you need accountability for this step, which will likely be the case if you know that your next steps are difficult or challenging, you can consider telling someone what you plan to do and that you’ll get back to them once it’s done. This external accountability can be a great way to keep yourself motivated to follow through.

 
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #11:
Your primary tasks in step 5 potentially include making sure you’re clear about what you need to do; ensuring your request is specific, clear, and measurable; setting deadlines; and getting accountability for taking action.
If you need to make a request in this step, keep in mind that a request:
needs to end in a question mark.
must be specific, clear, and measurable.
should avoid telling someone what they should think, say, or do.
Even if you’re powerless to change the situation or person (as identified in step 4), there are still ways you can take action. You might release or let go of the situation, for example, or give serious thought to what is truly within your control, or participate in a practice or ritual to help you let go.

Highlights from Episode #11:
Welcome to the eleventh episode of the show! This is the fifth episode in a six-part series about the 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier process. [00:31]
Victoria explains the primary tasks of this step of the process. [04:38]
We learn how to get started with step 5, which follows closely from step 4. [07:12]
Victoria talks about how to proceed if you identified the first option (having the power to create the outcome you want) or the second option (needing help to get the outcome you want) in the previous step. [08:58]
The third option from the previous step required making a request of another person. Victoria explores this option in more detail. [10:30]
Victoria returns to the case study of Uncle Joe as she discusses making a request. [13:13]
We hear an example of a very clear request in the Uncle Joe case study. [16:35]
The third best practice for requests involves avoiding telling the other person specific things. [18:43]
Victoria discusses the fourth and final option from step 4 (being powerless). [19:59]
We hear a quick recap of the options in this step. [22:21]
Victoria gives two pro tips for working through this step. [23:16]
Today’s episode covered how to take action to create a boundary based on the previous steps of the process. Remember to tune in next week to learn how to evaluate your results, and subscribe to avoid missing an episode. [25:02]
 
Links and Resources:
Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
Victoria Priya
6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook
Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 7: Step 1: Start With Knowing What Isn’t Working
Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 1: Getting Started With Boundaries