Become A Calm Mama Darlynn Childress

Mother’s Day is coming. And if you've had a few Mother's Days that end with you getting into bed feeling totally wiped out and resentful, this podcast episode is for you. I’m talking all about how to create your best Mother’s Day plan for a day you actually enjoy!
You’ll Learn:
Why Mother’s Day can be so hardSteps for creating your best Mother’s Day planHow to process the “Mother’s Day Hangover” of disappointment, resentment or sadness on Monday morning
This Mother’s Day, I send my love to all the mothers. For the first mothers, the forever mothers, the motherless mothers, the childless mothers, and the not-yet mothers. I love you. I see you.
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Mother's Day has a way of ending up the OPPOSITE of ideal for most moms.
A lot of times, moms spend Mother's Day cleaning up the kitchen after a messy breakfast in bed, followed by a lunch that's focused on their mother or mother-in-law, and then capped off by a rushed take-out dinner with all the regular bedtime routine shenanigans.
 
Taking Back Mother’s DayI’m just going to say it - Mother’s Day is FOR moms!
Usually, two things keep moms from creating their ideal day: guilt and not asking for what they want.
I want you to know that it is okay to not want to spend every minute of Mother's Day with your kids. Getting breaks from your kids is actually super important, so if you want a few kid-free hours on Mother's Day, it’s okay.
You might also feel guilty about balancing how to honor your mom, mother-in-law, etc. with getting what you want from the day, too. It can be a lot of people to please, especially if you live in the same town. People-pleasing is not what Mother’s Day is about, and you might not be able to satisfy everybody. Think about what you want from the day and take it from there.
I want Mother’s Day to be amazing for you, so I’m going to help you work through these common obstacles and make a plan and design a Mother’s Day that actually feels good to you. One where you get what you truly want from the day.
 
Make Your Best Mother’s Day PlanIt is your job to figure out what you want and then ask for it. Here’s how…
 
Step 1: Decide what you want
What does your ideal Mother’s Day look like? Take a few minutes to really think about this or journal on it. What do you really want? How do you want to spend your Mother’s Day?
Is it a break from kids? Time with your friends? Alone time? A visit with your own mom? A special family activity?
Do you want to sleep in? Shop? Go out to lunch? Spend time outdoors?
 
Step 2: Communicate your plan
If it's going to be a day where we honor and celebrate our experience as mothers and let the people around us honor and appreciate us, then we need to figure out a way to communicate what we want.
Talk to your partner (if you have one) about your vision for the day. Ask them if they think that plan will work. Are they willing to try something new if that’s what you want? 
If there are other mothers involved, reach out to them and see what they have in mind for the day. If you’re hoping for a more relaxed day, ask if you can have a shorter visit or if they’re open to celebrating together on Saturday or a different weekend. If they aren’t willing to change their plans or expectations, can you take your ideal day a week later? 
Having these conversations in advance is really, really helpful because it helps you get on the same page and make a real plan.
 
The Mother’s Day HangoverIf Mother’s Day can be hard, the day after can be even harder. Even if you manage to have a wonderful Mother’s Day, you’ll probably still have what I call the Mother’s Day Hangover. 
On Monday morning, when...

Today, we’re focusing on being on the same page as your coparent with limits and consequences. 
You’ll Learn:
Why learning to regulate your emotions is like learning to read and write3 coparenting scenarios and how to navigate themWhat to do when you’re not on board with your coparent’s limits & consequencesThe good news about your relationship with your kid
Our goal with a feelings-first parenting model is to hold our kids accountable in a calm, mutually respectful way. We want to help them to regulate their emotions and take responsibility for their actions without lashing out, hurting or shaming our kids.
But what can you do when you and your coparent don’t handle limits and consequences the same way?
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In last week’s episode, we talked about what it means to be on the same page as your coparent, particularly when it comes to self-regulation and connection with your kids. Today, we’re focusing on being on the same page with limits and consequences. 
Our goal with a feelings-first parenting model is to hold our kids accountable in a calm, mutually respectful way. We want to help them to regulate their emotions and take responsibility for their actions without lashing out, hurting or shaming our kids.
But what can you do when you and your coparent don’t handle limits and consequences the same way?
 
3 Types of CoparentingYou and your coparent will fall into one of three scenarios. Based on your situation, there are different conversations, approaches and tools you can use to guide your parenting. 
 
Scenario #1: Two people who live together and have a mutual commitment to calm and conscious parentingOnce you’ve determined that you’re on the same page with your parenting values, goals and approach, you also have to figure out how you’ll stay on the same page. 
 
Getting on the same page. The first step here is talking about your values as parents, which you can learn more about in last week’s episode. Next, talk about what happens if you notice that your kids are off track, especially if you find yourself arguing about the behavior.
When you notice off track behavior, have a connection conversation about the pattern that you’ve seen. It’s really important that neither of you are judging or getting defensive in this conversation. Lean into curiosity - What do you think is going on? Why do you think they’re acting this way? What’s happening underneath? What do they need?
You might realize that this is more of an emotional issue. Maybe your child needs some more skills around managing their feelings or there is an emotional need that isn’t being met. A lot of times if you meet the emotional need of a behavior, you can kind of the behavior lessens. You might also find that you need to set a limit around the behavior. 
 
Staying on the same page. What will you do when your coparent gets off track? I recommend that, as long as the coparent isn't being explosive or hurtful, you let it play out. Be a compassionate witness, notice what’s going on with your coparent and with your kid and get curious about why. 
Then, later on when everyone is calm, talk to your coparent about what happened. Again, you aren’t bringing it up to criticize or blame. The goal is to evaluate, problem solve and troubleshoot. Go through the steps of the Calm Mama Process (Calm, Connect, Limit Set, Correct) and pinpoint where the issue was and how you can solve for it. 
These conversations are what help you do the fine-tuning to move you closer to your parenting...

I’m often asked, “How do you handle it when your husband or your coparent isn't on board?” or, “How do you handle it when you're divorced and you don't know what's going on with the other parent?”
In this first episode of a two-part series, I’ll start answering these questions and share some essential conversations to have with your coparent.
You’ll Learn:
Why I know your kid is going to be okay.How to determine if you and your coparent are on the same page (and where to start if you’re not). Essential conversations for before, during and after explosive incidents - with scripts!Using the “hard no” with other adults.
The parenting you're doing is not in vain if your co parent isn't on board. Your child's other parent isn't unraveling all of your hard work. What you are doing is not pointless. You can give your child everything they need to grow into an emotionally healthy adult.
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The Real QuestionThe real question at the root of these concerns is, “Is my kid going to be okay if my coparent doesn’t practice compassionate parenting?”
There is fear of what will happen in the future if your coparent is harsh, too permissive or just on a different page when it comes to parenting your kid. 
But what does it really mean to be okay? The way I think about this in my programs is that we are setting our kids up for success by teaching emotional literacy - knowing what they’re feeling, how to talk about it and what to do with it. 
This is the key to raising kids that are confident, self-aware and love themselves. 
No matter what happens in your child's life, there's going to be pain and struggle. Things won’t always go their way. 
In the long-term, when they know how to process that pain, they can handle anything. You’re giving your kid the resilience that they need for the future. 
 
Being On the Same PageFor our purposes, being on the same page means two things:  
You and your coparent agree on the same parenting philosophy. In this case, that means agreeing that compassion and helping your child process negative emotion are important to you. You share the same approach to the philosophy. You’re using the same strategies and tools. 
For example, compassionate parenting is a philosophy. The Calm Mama Process of calm, connect, limit set, correct is the approach. 
A beautiful place to start is by asking your coparent (whether you live with them or not) what they value when it comes to parenting. 
You can start the conversation by saying something like, “I'm learning a lot, and I want to make sure that you're on the same page with me. I believe that feelings matter and that it's important for our kids to have a safe place to express those feelings and learn how to deal with them. Do agree?”
 
When You Aren’t On the Same PageI know that you want to have a good relationship with your child, and you want them to have a good relationship with themselves and with the world. You get to decide how you show up. You can put in the work to make sure your relationship is connected and loving. 
Your coparent also has a relationship with your kid, and it’s their job to decide how they want that relationship to play out and take action to create the relationship they want. 
It is not your responsibility to preserve your child’s relationship with their other parent. Ultimately, your responsibility is only to the emotional health of your child. 
If you’re struggling with your coparent, look at where the disagreement is. Is it about the philosophy or the approach?
Maybe you agree on the philosophy,...

We all know that parenting is enough of a challenge on its own, but what about when you’re coparenting with an abusive ex, someone who may be acting more for themselves than the best interest of your kid?
My guest, Lisa Johnson, is a certified domestic violence advocate and the cofounder of a divorce coaching program called Been There Got Out. We’re talking all about:
The goodness and peace that are on the other side of the pain and struggle.What to look out for when it comes to coercive control, loyalty conflict and reacting to your ex.Ways to support your kid and help them navigate difficult situations.How to get the support you need to care for yourself and your child.
If coparenting with an ex has been a struggle for you, or if you are making a decision to leave a relationship, this real-talk conversation will give you the information you need to make the best choices for you and your child and support them through it all. 
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My guest, Lisa Johnson, is a certified domestic violence advocate and the cofounder of a divorce coaching program called Been There Got Out. She works alongside her co-founder and romantic partner, Chris, to help people who are dealing with high-conflict separation and divorce, custody battles, and coparenting hell so that they can have the best outcome in family court and beyond.
 
Lisa’s StoryOf course, there is much more to Lisa’s story than what we could cover in this conversation, but there are some elements she experienced that she has seen to be pretty common with her clients, as well. 
When Lisa was making the decision to leave her previous marriage of 18 years, her now-ex-husband made her feel like if she left, then she would be responsible for breaking up their family, which included two kids. She would be to blame for destroying their kids’ lives. 
So she did everything she could to stay and keep the family together. Ultimately, she realized that one person can’t make both people better. They wanted two different things, and it just wasn’t working. 
Like so many others, Lisa knew she had to leave her marriage for herself. She didn’t know what would happen with the kids. She would figure that out later. But for her to survive, she had to go. 
She describes the feeling of carrying a ball of pain inside of her trying to keep it all together. And when she admitted that it wasn’t working, and her ex left, there was such a sense of relief. A weight had been lifted. 
She didn’t know what would happen next, but she knew she couldn’t try to control it, and letting go was so freeing. Now, she’s on the other side, has found the love of her life and created her business to help others through those same kinds of struggles. 
 
Coparenting With an Abusive ExLisa’s clients are often dealing with ex-spouses who are not handling things with maturity and who are trying to take back control. There are a lot of hurt feelings and, often, a history of abuse. 
In many of these cases, Lisa sees instances of coercive control, which means that some freedom has been taken away from one person in the relationship. It might look like financial abuse, where one person doesn’t have any control over the family’s money. It can also show up as social isolation or other types of verbal, psychological or sexual abuse. 
Although they’re now in different living spaces, the parenting relationship is not over. Lisa says that the three main areas where conflict and abuse come up after a divorce are money, kids and court. 
Legal abuse related to money and court conflicts go hand-in-hand. It’s all about winning and losing. The abusive partner wants to take everything - kids, money, time and control. Conflict...

I often talk about parenting the kid in front of you, not the one you wish you had or the one you’re afraid they’ll become. 
Today, I’ll explain three thoughts that you’ve probably experienced when you don’t like your kid’s behavior or parts of their personality, why judgments about your kid aren’t helpful and what to do instead.
You’ll Learn:
The parenting advice I give the mostWhy behavior is really just information - and what to do with itHow raising a kid is like baking a special kind of cakeThe long term benefits of unconditional acceptance.
It’s never too late to commit to shifting how you think and feel about your kid. 
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I just got home from a trip to Paris with my newly-turned-18-year-old son. I got to spend a lot of time with him, getting to see and know who he is right now. We had an amazing trip, and there were also times where I found myself feeling a little uncomfortable, sad or disappointed about his views or attitude toward certain things. 
I’m continuing to work through some of those feelings even after we’ve returned home, and I hope my experience will help you parent the kid in front of you, too.
 
Why Parenting The Kid In Front of You Is ImportantWhen we’re in a relationship with someone and we make their behavior mean something negative, then it is going to sour the relationship and the way that we interact with them. 
When you perceive your kid in a certain way, thoughts and feelings come up, and these drive your actions. It's really important to work on how you think and feel about your kid and not put that negative attitude or judgment on their behavior.
This can be really hard because as a parent, it is your responsibility to help your kid learn how to be in relationship with themselves and others. You’re trying to teach values like politeness, generosity and kindness. 
But sometimes, you see your kid behave in ways that are opposite to those values. What often happens is that you get so caught up in the behavior and what it means that it prevents you from actually parenting and teaching them the skills they need in order to become who they’re meant to be. 
Your child is on a journey of development. In order to help them grow, you have to accept how they are right now, from a neutral place, and see it either as a part of their personality that hasn’t fully developed or a skill that they haven’t yet learned. 
 
3 Negative Mindsets to AvoidWhen your kid behaves in a way you don't like, it's easy to make their behavior mean something negative - either about you as a parent, them as a person, or their future.
All of these negative stories impact how you show up as a parent; and have a negative impact on your child.
These are the three negative mindsets I see causing the most long-term harm. 
 
#1: Making your child’s behavior mean something about you. If you look at your child’s behavior and think, “I’m a bad parent,” it makes it feel really personal. It puts you into your own story and takes you out of what’s going on with your kid. 
You might find yourself overparenting, being overly strict, harsh or mean. Often, this is where I see parents skip past calm and connection and go straight to correction and consequences. 
Behavior is a coping strategy, and the behavior you’re seeing is just information, data about where your child needs support, tools and skills. 
Instead of thinking, “How does this behavior affect me? How does it reflect on me?”, try asking, “How is this behavior going to affect my child? What skill is missing here? What do they need to learn?”
When you see that they’re acting the way they are because they’ve overwhelmed

When kids lie, it can feel personal or like a moral issue. But just like so many other challenging behaviors, it is a strategy that your child uses to communicate their negative emotion. It’s normal kid behavior (not a character flaw). 
In this episode, I’ll share a handful of common reasons kids (or anyone for that matter) lie, why trying to get the truth out of them usually doesn’t work and what you can do instead when your kid lies.
You’ll Learn:
Common lies kids tell and what might be behind themWhy getting your child to confess isn’t actually that helpfulHow to step into your leadership energy to deal with misbehavior What your kid really needs when they’re using lies to cope
You don’t need to get caught up in the lie. Listen to learn how you can step into your leadership energy, connect with your kid, hold them accountable and move on! 
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Often, lying happens when your kid has a problem that they don’t know how to solve or get out of. It seems like an easy solution to them. They can just lie and avoid dealing with it altogether. It’s really as simple as that.
We don’t need to cloud the issue with arguments about respect or disrespect. We can simply look at it as a skill gap. It is your job as a parent to teach your child how to solve problems in better ways. 
 
Why Kids LieWhen you understand why your kid is behaving the way they are or using a certain coping strategy, it helps you to have more compassion as you look at the underlying issue and try to solve for it.
Lying is interesting because the underlying motivations can be a little bit complicated. Sometimes, they lie and actually talk themselves into believing that what they’re saying is true. 
The underlying emotion that drives lying is usually fear of some kind, but it shows up in several different ways. These are the most common reasons kids lie.
To Avoid Trouble. Maybe they forgot to feed the dog or do a chore. They don’t want to do it, and they don’t want to get in trouble for not doing it, so they tell you it’s already done. This can also show up with siblings in the old, “I didn’t do it; She did it,” type of argument. 
To Protect Themself (or you). Your child might want to protect their identity and your thoughts about them. They don’t want to see the disappointment or negative judgment on your face. They’re afraid that you won’t like them anymore or will think they’re a loser, a bad person, etc.
They might also try to protect you from feeling disappointed in them. They want you to continue thinking they’re a good kid. 
To Get Something. Sometimes, kids lie to get something they want, like telling you their homework is done so they can have screen time. 
To Be Seen. We’ve all heard a kid tell a really grandiose story about themselves or something that happened in their life. These kids likely feel uninteresting or unimportant, and they lie in order to get someone’s attention. 
To Avoid Embarrassment. This can show up with kids who are being bullied (although there are many other things they might feel embarrassed to share, too). Either they can’t find a way to tell you or they don’t...