AlternaTive Tatianna Saunders

Therapy refers to healing and practices, in this case, not formalized therapy with a clinician. As someone who is late diagnosed autistic and experiences chronic illness, I share how I've been working from the ground (bottom) up, and literally lying on the ground, to create a more attuned relationship to my body, and what its really like to be here in a body, to better meet and advocate for my needs.

Yourself, spirit, the universe, nature, friends, family, lovers, the community. We are living in dystopian, greedy times, yet our minds and collective consciousness are developing different values and imaginations outside of what is currently being lived and the ways in which humans and the earth are being exploited. Still, there is hope that lives within us, joy, and love. That glimmer of hope is energy that can be given towards community, relationships, and taking small actions in love and care to work towards a system that values everyone equally. 

Some thoughts and experiences since I've been on a little hiatus.

Discussing the wholeness of our most personal stories and experiences, how observing art resonates so deeply in the heart, how someone else's specific, detailed story somehow feels like ours or the world's story. While these stories may have not happened to us literally, we can sense them, it's like we know them, that they've happened or will happen to us in some form, that they are happening in the world, we are honored to hear them, and we are blessed to feel them in this mysterious way that reveals our shared humanity. We get to learn the depths of others which mirror our own shadows and complexities, the chaos and curiosity of it all, the wonder in being alive, the suffering of death, temptation, failure, and darkness. Our deepest pains are not only ours, but pains the world cries for, and we may cry for the suffering of the world too. Through art, poetry, music, dance, singing, any kind of adornment, creation, expression, we become ourselves through a language of the heart with meaning that is shared and connects us in the deepest sense through the vastness of it all.  

There is a pattern between those in roles of authority who care for vulnerable populations. Whether its not being allowed to go to the restroom without asking in school, ideas being disregarded as children, wisdom being brushed off or being unheard and unseen with your doctor, for those who experience chronic illness, for individuals who have had traumatic gynecologist experiences, and those who have been dismissed, sometimes further traumatized by therapists, there is an issue of refusal to respect people's autonomy and hear their lived experiences, to believe children, patients, students, clients, and to treat people in need of care and support as equals. Commonly in these roles, within the institutions of education, still learning outdated information as truth (such as issues within the DSM and fatphobia in the medical field) as well as the narrative norms of dominance and power, this power is often abused, maybe sometimes subconsciously. It is essential for all "experts" to retract that title and learn from their children, patients, and clients too, to believe the people that they are "helping" and to show up compassionately, to intentionally cultivate a deeper understanding for the validity and importance of other's lived experiences and needs. We must expand our understanding of the complexity and capacity of humans especially when we find ourselves in a trusted role.

As someone who deals with anxiety and decision fatigue daily, I've decided to conduct an experiment... I am going to fully do this thing and parent myself through this thing of trusting myself. I have been living for a future that never  comes- a future of free time and me time, but any moment that I might have an opportunity, I'll then stress myself out about "self-care" and battle myself mentally about which order I should do things and why I need to do all of these things because they are good for me... Needless to say, it's not working out for me. When I find myself making the same excuses as to why I can't take a break and tend to a need in the moment, I remind myself that maybe that has worked out for me on the outside and barely, but it doesn't feel good. I've done the things- now what? 

I am leaning into trusting myself and trusting presence, to tend to the task or moment at hand now, and the future ones then. If I take care of present me now, future me will then be taken care of; I will have the capacity to show up for myself in the future because tending to myself now is the most soothing and energizing for all me's in all time periods. I can't prevent future anxiety by experiencing a profusion of current anxiety.  Music is a tool that has been assisting me in bringing myself back to the present moment, as I can sway only to the beats that are occurring exactly when they are. It is validating to move around and express in such a way of.. expression... of gratitude, of pure fun.. Music and dance is such a helpful mood regulator and tool for processing trauma. Anyway, love you all. Try it on for size as you see fit :)