It’s Not You, It’s Your Trauma - Trauma, PTSD, Abuse, Anxiety & Recovery - Joe Ryan Live Authentically

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It's essential to connect with buried emotions to achieve deep emotional healing. I once went through a tough time when my partner was tragically hit by a car. This incident led me to relapse into addiction and adopt self-destructive behaviors to avoid confronting my pain. I hit rock bottom. A friend suggested a movie that resonated with my experience. Despite my initial resistance, I eventually watched the film, and it helped me confront my emotions, which was crucial for my healing. Each time I watched the movie, it lessened the pain, allowing me to grieve and process the loss.


Recently, I watched a documentary about an eight-year-old boy named Gabriel, who suffered severe abuse from his mother and her boyfriend. His story deeply affected me, especially when he expressed his desire to be loved despite the abuse he endured. This reminded me of my own painful childhood and the universal need for parental love, even from abusive caregivers. It brought me back to my own unresolved pain and emphasized the importance of addressing these deep-seated emotional issues.


For years, I sought approval and love from my family, but I realized that I needed to focus on my own healing and detach from their expectations. We must acknowledge that the love and validation we seek from our caregivers may never come in the way we desire. It's our responsibility to work through our unresolved pain and unmet needs from childhood.


The documentary about Gabriel served as a poignant reminder of the importance of addressing these emotional issues. It took me back to my dark places that needed healing. Despite the sadness and pain, it helped me work through aspects of myself I hadn't fully addressed. Embracing this pain is crucial for genuine healing. Gabriel's story, although tragic, has shed light on these dark places within many of us, offering an opportunity for healing and growth.


Living authentically and focusing on what truly matters, rather than seeking societal validation, has been a significant part of my journey. I've realized that success measures like social media popularity or material wealth don't bring true happiness. Instead, creating a small, peaceful, and authentic life based on my values has brought me the most fulfillment. By doing so, I've built a world that reflects my true self, free from societal pressures.


Ultimately, healing involves taking responsibility for our own happiness, working through unresolved pain, and living authentically. It's about creating a life that feels right for us, not one that meets external expectations. This journey isn't easy, but it's necessary for finding true peace and fulfillment.

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In the most recent episode of "It's Not You, It's Your Trauma," Joe Ryan delves into toxic relationships. These relationships, characterized by emotional unavailability, abuse, and neglect, often reflect the dynamics we experienced in our early years. 



Joe begins by examining why individuals enter and remain in toxic relationships. He explains that our childhood experiences with emotionally unavailable or narcissistic parents often lay the groundwork for our adult relationships. As children, we learn to neglect ourselves and prioritize the emotional needs of our caretakers in hopes of earning their love and approval. This pattern continues into adulthood, where we find ourselves trying to "fix" our partners in an unconscious attempt to heal our childhood wounds.



One of Joe's most compelling points is finding comfort in familiar pain. Even though toxic relationships are damaging, they feel normal to us because they replicate the dynamics we grew up with. Being with someone genuinely caring for and nurturing us may be intimidating because it challenges our deeply ingrained beliefs about our worth and value. Joe emphasizes that the key to breaking free from these patterns lies in building our self-esteem and learning to value ourselves independently of others.



Joe also discusses the significance of emotional independence. He urges his audience to imagine what it would feel like to leave a toxic relationship and to acknowledge the fear and panic that arise. These emotions, he explains, are rooted in our childhood survival instincts. As children, our survival relied on maintaining an emotional connection with our caregivers, regardless of the harm it caused. In adulthood, leaving a toxic partner can feel like a life-or-death situation because it triggers these same survival instincts.



To genuinely heal and move forward, Joe encourages us to make better choices in the present. This entails recognizing our worth, establishing boundaries, and seeking healthy, supportive relationships. He reminds us that although the healing journey is challenging, it is ultimately rewarding. By trying to understand and heal our past, we can create a future filled with healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

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Children's developmental needs must be fulfilled during childhood to grow into well-adjusted adults. When these needs aren't met, we may feel unfulfilled and struggle to identify and ask for what we truly need. We must embrace and work through our positive and negative emotions. 


As we develop and age, we follow specific emotional paths, but if we are denied certain emotions as children, we can become emotionally stuck at that age. For example, the "terrible twos" stage is a crucial time when a child begins to realize their independence from their parents. It's a period of unconscious emotional growth, and if a child is not allowed to express their anger or assert their independence, they become emotionally stuck at that point. As a result, they develop coping mechanisms such as people-pleasing or withdrawing to avoid confronting the emotions they weren't allowed to express. 


This fear and shame surrounding unaccepted emotions can lead to a lifetime of self-abandonment and trying to meet the needs of others while neglecting our own. If these feelings and emotions weren't allowed during childhood, we struggle with them and develop fear and shame around expressing them later in life.

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Anger and hate are both related to unmet needs. When we feel angry, it's because we want something that we're not getting. And when we feel hate, it's because we have deep needs that are not being met, and we're struggling to deal with them. Self-hate is a common problem that many people face, and it can be very hard to overcome. We often hate ourselves because we feel helpless and stuck and don't know how to do things differently. This can be especially challenging if we've been raised in an environment where we were not encouraged to be independent or take care of our needs. 



To overcome self-hate, it's important to figure out our needs and start taking steps to meet them. This can be difficult, especially if we've never learned how to do this before. Shifting our focus from hating ourselves to feeling angry at those who have hurt us is helpful. This can be a useful step in the healing process, but it's important not to get stuck in feelings of anger and hate towards others. Ultimately, we must work on understanding ourselves and taking responsibility for our well-being. 



This can be a challenging process, and it may involve making difficult decisions, such as cutting people out of our lives or disappointing others. However, it's important to remember that we are responsible for our happiness and well-being. We must learn how to meet our needs and stop depending on others for validation and support. This can be a lonely process sometimes, but staying committed to our growth and healing is important.

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If you grew up in a family system that was shame-based, you may feel weighed down by shame. Shame shields us from pain and neglect, but it's also a burden. Shame-based family systems are harsh and judgmental. As a child, you were exposed to criticism and verbal attacks because people didn't do things the way your family did.

When you're shame-based, you need to surround yourself with people who share your views. This can cause you to judge yourself harshly. Shame wants to stay hidden. We fear being judged, so we try to be perfect. Perfectionism often stems from shame. We feel like we're being scrutinized, like a celebrity without the fame.

We are usually our harshest critics. As children, we internalize the negative feedback we hear and try to fit into a box that doesn't feel right. We may develop self-hatred for not being like everyone else in our family. We try to conform to an ideal painted for us instead of living our own lives.

Some people live their entire lives not realizing they're living a lie. They've bought into the system and think they're defective, broken, or unhappy. But the truth is, being authentic is more important than fitting into someone else's mold.

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Many of us are emotionally stuck at a point where we feel that our self-worth is completely dependent on our mother's love and acceptance. This can lead to a deep wound when we don't receive the love and validation we need in the way we need it. In order to move forward and heal, it's important to reach a point in our recovery where our mother's opinion of us no longer has a hold on our sense of self-worth. We must learn to validate ourselves from within, and find the strength to recognize our own worth regardless of outside approval or disapproval. It's a difficult journey, but one that can lead to a life of greater self-love and acceptance.



Have you ever had a moment that felt like a key turning in a lock, opening doors to rooms within yourself you didn't know existed? That's what Joe Ryan's latest podcast episode feels like—a raw, unfiltered journey into the heart of personal transformation.



Joe doesn't hold back as he recounts his struggle with self-hate and shame, emotions that many of us grapple with but few have the courage to confront head-on. He speaks of the burdens we carry, the secrets we keep from ourselves, and the exhausting act of maintaining a façade for the world.



But then comes the light bulb moment—a realization so profound that it changes everything. For Joe, it was acknowledging his neediness, a trait he had shamed himself for, which stemmed from his childhood. This acknowledgment wasn't just an act of understanding; it was an act of liberation.



Throughout the episode, Joe takes us through the ups and downs of his emotional journey. He talks about the heaviness that comes with emotional baggage and the lightness that follows when you start to let go. It's a process, he says, not a destination. But the work is worth it because, on the other side of that pain and shame, is freedom.



Joe's story is one of self-forgiveness and the power of self-awareness. It's about breaking the chains of the past and finding the courage to face our inner demons. He shares his process, the painful yet necessary steps to peel back the layers of hurt, and the healing that follows.



This episode is a call to anyone who's felt stuck, weighed down by their emotions, or lost in the maze of their mind. It's for those who've ever felt the need to hide their true selves or who've wondered if there's more to life than the roles they've been playing.



Joe's narrative is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. It reminds us that no matter how deep the wounds, healing is possible. It's a story of coming home to oneself, of building a life not on the expectations of others but on the foundation of self-acceptance and love.