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Real, genuine, vulnerable, and honest talk about trauma, abuse, addiction, PSTD, and anxiety, helping people to conquer their traumatic pasts. Through this podcast and one on one coaching

It’s Not You, It’s Your Trauma - Trauma, PTSD, Abuse, Anxiety & Recovery - Joe Ryan Live Authentically

    • Education
    • 4.8 • 306 Ratings

Listen on Apple Podcasts
Requires subscription and macOS 11.4 or higher

For access to all episodes and bonus content, subscribe at https://joeryan.com/subscribe

Real, genuine, vulnerable, and honest talk about trauma, abuse, addiction, PSTD, and anxiety, helping people to conquer their traumatic pasts. Through this podcast and one on one coaching

Listen on Apple Podcasts
Requires subscription and macOS 11.4 or higher

    EP 0079 - Emotional Incest and Codependency (Subscription)

    EP 0079 - Emotional Incest and Codependency (Subscription)

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    Emotional incest, or covert incest, is a topic that often flies under the radar, yet its impact can reverberate through a person's life like a persistent echo of their childhood. In the latest podcast episode, Joe Ryan addresses this sensitive subject with the courage and candor it deserves.

    Joe begins by defining what emotional incest is: the inappropriate treatment of a child by a parent as a surrogate partner, emotionally substituting the child for the adult's spouse. This behavior crosses boundaries that should protect a child's emotional well-being and enmeshes them in the adult's unmet emotional needs. Joe explains how this dynamic can lead to a plethora of issues, such as codependency, self-esteem problems, anxiety, depression, and an internal conflict that can haunt a person well into adulthood.

    The discussion delves into the mechanics of how a marriage's intimacy breakdown can lead a parent to inappropriately triangulate a child into their emotional void. This often occurs in opposite-gender parent-child relationships, although it can happen in any familial configuration. Joe describes the suffocating role children are forced into, becoming their mother's "little man" or daddy's "little princess," roles that come with heavy emotional expectations and a sense of repulsion and entrapment.

    Listeners are taken on a journey through the eyes of someone who has experienced emotional incest, detailing the confusion, guilt, and shame that accompany the first stirrings of sexual awareness in a context that should be devoid of such complexities. Joe paints a vivid picture of the difficulty in establishing healthy relationships later in life when one's blueprint for intimacy is fundamentally flawed.

    The podcast doesn't just highlight the problem; it offers a roadmap for recovery. Joe emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries, the necessity of disappointing people to protect oneself, and the ultimate goal of living a life that is authentically one's own. He stresses that healing from emotional incest is a slow and often painful process, as it involves dismantling long-held beliefs and confronting the reality of one's upbringing.

    For anyone grappling with the aftermath of emotional incest, this episode is a beacon of understanding and hope. It's a call to recognize the abuse for what it was, to step out of the shadows of denial, and to begin the work of building a self that is defined not by the needs of others but by one's own desires and aspirations.

    Tune in to this episode for an unflinching look at a topic that demands our attention and for the chance to walk away with a deeper understanding of yourself or someone you love.

    EP 0078 - Terrible Two's and Separation

    EP 0078 - Terrible Two's and Separation

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    The terrible two in children is a vital step in their emotional development. It is a psychological birth that starts separation and independence from caregivers. 

    At this stage, the child goes from helpless dependent to more of an independent role as the child starts to realize that they are not one but separate from their caregivers.

    Allowing a child to separate, become more independent, and figure out who they are is one of the most important gifts a parent can give a child. 

    Most parents do not allow a child to separate. The child is now limited by what the parent will allow. They learn that independence is not permitted, and the child stays emotionally bonded to the parent just as they were in infancy. The child will run all thoughts, emotions, and actions through the ‘parent filter.’ They never learn to make their own decisions, find confidence in themselves, and never grow up or leave home emotionally. 

    As the child grows into an adult, they are emotionally stuck at this development stage and need the approval of their parents and everyone with whom they have relationships throughout their life. 

    The internal fears of abandonment turn them into codependent people pleasers who are on an endless quest to find someone, anyone, to permit them to be themselves. 

    In this Episode:

    Letting kids grow up and not expecting them to take care of your emotional needs!
    What happens when parents sabotage their children's successes or independence because of their “unlived” lives?

    Going from being needed all the time to essentially not being needed at all
    Letting kids be and not trying to shame them into things you want them to do
    How the “good parent”, especially in divorce, will always get the short end of the stick
    Avoid feeling betrayed by our child's independence and lack of need for us.

    This episode covers the why’s of what people do to combat this initial behavior and the irreparable damage it can cause to a child.

    The terrible twos are also linked to a teenager's later years of struggling for that greater need for independence. How are they

    connected, and what are the ramifications? What is the impact for both the child and the parent(s), and how does all of this impact all

    involved? This episode reminds us that children can’t be there for your benefit or to fill the holes we have in our souls! It’s

    not healthy for them, and it’s not healthy for us!

    • 20 min
    EP 0077 - How To Change My Partner (Subscription)

    EP 0077 - How To Change My Partner (Subscription)

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    In this episode, Joe covers one of the biggest & most frequent questions he gets! How do I get my partner to change? How do we get my wife to change? How do I get my husband to change? How do I get my brother to listen? How do I get him to go to therapy? It's simple…Here is the answer…. YOU DON’T

    This episode outlines the steps a person needs to take to stop trying to change your partner but to change what you are doing (or not doing) in the relationship for you to remedy the situation and take control of what you can change!

    In this Episode:

    Repeating the Same Patterns in Your Relationship…the Wash, Rinse, Repeat Syndrome

    What Motivates Your Partner to Have to Change? What will get them to your worth and value?

    The Benefits of Therapy…the proper steps have benefits you may not have even thought of for your future safety and well being

    Building a Life for Yourself, and Expand your Circle of Friends and Connections

    Eliminating Fear of Change and Making Changes Before it’s too Late

    Taking Responsibility for the Way You Are Treated in a Relationship

    This episode will help you realize where you are currently, what you need to do, and how you need to do it without expecting any help or change from the person you hoped you could change! You have to start looking at yourself and stop looking at somebody else because, more than likely, the person you hope will change and stay the way you want them to will never happen! Heal yourself. Stop trying to change your partner!

    EP 0076 - Recovery Is Possible

    EP 0076 - Recovery Is Possible

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    After a long hiatus, Joe is back with a new perspective, insight, and positivity that he is ready to share! Deciding to focus on genuinely caring for himself for a while, Joe is ready to share some of the more important things he learned in this recovery phase.

    Stepping back from the pressures of constantly self-exposing his shame, embarrassment, and other innermost disappointments, Joe could genuinely focus and work through many things holding him back from obtaining happiness daily! These revelations, new insights, and small victories have brought him to a new place of peace and satisfaction, translating to a renewed ability to share all this with you with greater enthusiasm and focus!

    In this Episode:

    We connect the dots between phases, stages, and activities once the light bulb goes on!
    Working through the hangover and getting used to the new normal
    Reaching a point that you no longer have to prove your worth to the world
    Eliminating shame…accept things for what they were
    Learning to move out further in the direction you want
    Building things back “Your Way.”
    Getting back to a place where you can breathe with regularity!

    This episode shows that you can overcome and work through almost anything to start living the life that you want. Even if you're not sure what it is, it's getting out the shit…the hurt…the victimhood, the learned helplessness and the self-hate. Build up your strength and confidence within yourself so you don't fear rejection, humiliation, and failure. Get to know who you are and the way of living that is right for you!

    Remember….Recovery is Possible!

    • 22 min
    EP 0075 - Family System Revisited

    EP 0075 - Family System Revisited

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    Family System Revisited builds off the Family Shame Episode (Episode 69), in which Joe elaborates on the pressures of family expectations and the toll it takes on a person in trying to fit into a family “system.”

    When we're born, we're born into a system. We are thrown into an existing system and put into a slot. Family systems dictate how you are expected to act, appear in public and how you are supposed to handle actions and emotions from everyone within your inner circle. The pressure to act accordingly and do only what will get you positive attention becomes a burden you can only carry for so long. Eventually, the byproduct of all this shame, whether from someone else or your own self, as you feel you can’t live up to the standard set for you in this unhealthy system. What do you do to lose the feeling of worrying about what everyone wants, thinks, or expects from you? Learn what Joe had to do to teach himself to be ok with being able to survive and being seen in ways that weren't acceptable by his family system and move past all the guilt and shame he felt as a child for wanting things outside his place in the system.

    In this Episode:

    Learn to live a life outside of the role your family has set for you to live the life you want…one free of shame.

    Getting in touch with our anger and emotions

    Live within your own body…your own self.. without anxiety and fear.

    Learn that you weren’t put on this earth to fill the holes of parents who can’t fill them in their own lives.

    Integrate the parts of yourself in your new life that your family won't let you have

    Build a relationship with yourself…Love is an Inside Job!

    Learn to dismantle your family system's role to live and deal with the uncomfortable feelings of judgment and shame from your family system! Feel the relief and freedom that comes from releasing the bonds that have been placed on you by your family!

    • 21 min
    EP 0074 - Original Pain Work Revisited (Subscription)

    EP 0074 - Original Pain Work Revisited (Subscription)

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    Original pain work is the most profound work you will ever do on yourself. It is also the most difficult!
    In this episode, Joe talks about the abuse he experienced as a child and how he has dealt with it for many years by disassociating it with denial and by packing it away in this little dark place to be dealt at another time. Decades later (between the original pain and the fear that he continues to live), Joe shares in detail how he needed to work his way back to those places, the origins of his pain, and the abuse, hurt, and fear he has to connect the dots to determine how he got to the place he’s at today… and how he is now forced to confront and correct the issues to be able to move forward.

    In this Episode:

    - Pinpointing where all these feelings and behaviors are coming from and how to get back in touch with them.
    - Realizing you can’t always stay one step ahead of your pain…they will catch up to you if you don’t learn to work on going back to their origins and reliving them to produce a better outcome.
    - Learn to “feel” your way through things to free yourself from pain.
    - Elvis has left the building… checking out physically and emotionally.
    - Going “Toe to Toe” with your fears

    Putting in the work to go inside yourself can be frightening, but it will be your path to freedom and peace. Become stronger than your fears! Let joy take over by moving fear out of the way. No longer live in denial and live your truth. Find someone who can help you get to that place…time is ticking away, and it’s time to lean into your fears…Joy is waiting to take over your life!

Customer Reviews

4.8 out of 5
306 Ratings

306 Ratings

Kishername ,

I thought I was okay being drug free

I had a 10 year stint with hard core drugs. Prior to the drugs I was numbing out on weed and promiscuity. Fast forward to 1995 I no longer used hard core drugs. I thought without that hard drug I was okay. It’s been 28 years, but I’m not okay. I’m fragile and in pain. Shame, guilt & humiliation are apart of my life and I hate it. I’ve stumbled across this podcast and I know this information can help me in my healing journey.

jackieRT6000 ,


I love this podcast; super relatable, 100% authentic.
It’s not always easy to listen to the episodes, they present the challenge of looking inward.
Feels like listening to a friend.

AngieDMarie ,

Honest and real

I love this podcast not only because it’s thought provoking but hearing his first hang experience and encouragement. I listen to a few self help podcasts and this one is in the top five!

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