Let's be TRANSparent

RNZ Originals
Let's be TRANSparent

Joseph Stockhausen -and his mum- navigate the ups & downs of gender transition.

Season 1

  1. EPISODE 1

    Hey Mum, I think I’m Trans

    Joe talks to the iconic Mary Haddock-Staniland about what to do when someone you love comes out as trans and Joe and Pauline revisit the rocky ride that was his own coming out. What happens when you're driving along to a lovely holiday spot and suddenly your child says, "So, I think I'm transgender..."? Joseph Stockhausen was 15 years old when he came out as trans to his mother Pauline. Now 22, they both remember that moment a little differently. "I was screaming in my head going, 'OK, this is the moment where you have to be awesome. You cannot fuck this up'," said Pauline, "I came away going. Good job. Yes. Tick, tick, tick. Awesome work." "She just said, 'OK'," said Joe, "I didn't even realize until that moment how much I was hoping that she would give me a little more than OK. I immediately just felt disappointment." Mary Haddock-Staniland has become a well-known advocate on transgender issues. She made headlines over the issue of retail outlets providing accessible changing rooms for transgender customers. But her own journey hasn't been easy. "I wouldn't for a moment say that I'm a role model, especially if you see me out on Ponsonby Road of an evening, that you follow the footsteps of, but learn from the hard knocks that I've taken and the lessons that I've learned and try not to let that happen in your family," said Haddock-Staniland. "My number one, go to that. I advise parents who are talking to this topic or having children come to them to want to understand more is just sit and listen and be present with a conversation that. I suppose it is difficult because this is a lot that's sitting out there." Useful links: Rainbow Youth Inside Out: A friendly and accessible learning resource to help increase understanding and support of sex, gender and sexuality diversity, so we can all belong.Gender Minorities Aotearoa: Gender Minorities Aotearoa is a nationwide transgender organisation. It is run by and for transgender people; including binary and non-binary, intersex, and irawhiti takatāpui.Outline: A peer support service between transgender kiwis -Pronouns: An international resource about what pronouns are, their use, and other inclusive language -Being Proud: Stories of parents with transgender children, and important first steps.Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

    30 min

  2. EPISODE 2

    Life in Transition

    Coming out is just the beginning. Now it's time to look at some of the practicalities and some of the first, early stages of transitioning. Joe speaks with Ary Jansen from Rainbow Youth and youth worker Cooper Sides. So your child has come out, you have managed to get through those first few awkward conversations. Now what? When confronted with an unknown the first place most of us go is Google and it is easy to get lost in all the information. But some of the first steps are small and kind of simple. "I didn't see it at first. It wasn't until I was hanging stuff up and then I was like, 'What the f&*k is this?'," said Pauline, "I thought this was him binding but I wasn't a hundred percent sure. I thought maybe this was a school project or something." Ary is a transgender youth worker at Auckland-based Rainbow Youth. He works with young people and their families going through their social transition. He understands what it is like to not have your physical appearance match up with your sense of self. Ary doesn't just help young people navigate these feelings, he also works with their families to allow them to understand. "How would you feel if you suddenly developed breasts? Would you be okay with that or would you want them gone?" Ary once said to the dad struggling to understand what their child was experiencing. One resource available through Rainbow Youth's Auckland drop-in centre is a community wardrobe to help people access gender affirming clothing and accessories. There are lots of options available to help transgender people present the way they feel and to do that safely. But it is one thing to learn to present as a different gender, it's another thing to actually experience it. Cooper Sides, a youth worker with the Canterbury District Health Board, works with kids from around 14 years old who are early in their journey. "A lot of them are experiencing a lot of dysphoria and they are trying to figure out how to manage that and how to access healthcare" said Cooper. But working with kids means working with their parents and unfortunately sometimes parents aren't always as supportive as they could be. "There's some parents who don't want to find out this information from organisations like Rainbow Youth or Inside Out because they have a mindset that is 'these people are pushing this on my child'," said Cooper… Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

    33 min

  3. EPISODE 3

    Some Professional Advice

    One of the very first places you are going with your child on their transition is the Doctor's office. Joe talks to a couple of experts about what to expect. We're ripping the bandaid off and jumping straight into the process of the medical transition in Aotearoa. Dr Rachel Johnson, an adolescent physician at Auckland's Centre for Youth Health, works on the front lines of medical transition, helping young people and their families navigate the process and making informed decisions. Medical transition covers the drugs or hormones that can be prescribed to help a young person with their body dysphoria through to surgery. The medical stage of transition holds challenges for both parents and the young people who are transitioning. For those transitioning, there are expectations and hopes that might not be met. For parents there are new concepts, terms and acronyms they might never have heard of, let alone understand. She said one big fear is that everything is going to happen too quickly. Dr Johnson said the absolute first port of call is your General Practitioner (GP). "There is a lot of focus on providing information to GPs so they can provide information before families even get to our service," she said. Once you do get there though, Dr Johnson said her qualified staff will begin by hearing that young person's gender story. "We are really clear that the young person is an expert on themselves and everyone's gender journey and story is different," said Dr Johnson. "There is anticipation and hopes of, I might get my hormones, on that first clinic appointment," said Dr Johnson, "But in reality we have to do things safely and carefully, and that does take a number of appointments to get to that place." The New Zealand system works with both the young person transitioning and their whanau to take everyone on the journey together. Pauline, like many parents early in their child's transition, had concerns. "I was very much this is a phase. Every parent thinks it is a phase!" said Pauline. "What really settled everything for me was the comment about the fact that you know your body better than anyone else." Lyndon Moore is an Auckland based counsellor who works with transgender youths and their families. He was the counsellor who worked with Joseph and Pauline. He helped them both get to the place where Joe was able to undergo his medical transition. "Support is key, through the whole process. Whether it is about beginning hormones, whether it is about surgeries, whether it is about getting on with life," said Moore, "It's about making sure that individual has good supports around them."… Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

    29 min

  4. EPISODE 4

    Adventures in Trans Parenting

    So far we have learned the kids are going to be alright. But what about the parents? The podcast is called Let's Be TRANSparent after all. It's probably fair to say parenthood is a wild ride, full of twists and turns and ups and downs. But every now and then something comes up that completely throws you. Your child coming out as trans may be one of those things. Jo and Chris experienced this first hand. Chris and Jo's story begins with a household of 3 young sons, however everything changed when their middle child turned two. Fast forward a couple of years and they now have 2 sons and a daughter. As the parents of a young trans child they have heard it all before. "We had some friends and family and even strangers assuming that we are putting it on her, like, she's three, we should be telling her what to wear," said Jo, "But I often said to people, 'you're welcome to come to my house in the morning and try get her into boys clothes because she will not'." Like a lot of parents of trans kids, it took Chris a while to process what was happening and to get his head around things. "I was totally in denial about the whole thing," he said, "This is a phase, this isn't happening". Eventually Chris was able to come to terms with what was happening to their daughter and now sees how fortunate they are that their daughter was able to see her true self at such a young age. "For us, I think we have got it easy. We have got a lot of time to support and learn." Scout Barbour-Evans is a trans parent. They struggled to reconcile the desire to be a parent and carry their own child with the dysphoric feelings that it brought up and what that could mean. "I felt like if anyone knew how much I wanted to have children one day, that they wouldn't allow me to transition," said Scout, "Transition was much higher on the priority list than having children because it's what I needed to be well enough to have children." "[She's] the best thing that I've ever made." Joe's transition has changed Pauline's perspective on parenthood and gender which she is very aware of having recently given birth to her second child. "People asked me what I wanted to have, and I was like, it doesn't really matter because they can change later on."… Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

    33 min

  5. EPISODE 5

    It's All About Perspective

    While gender is finally no longer seen as a binary choice in western societies, Pacific cultures have understood this for hundreds of years. Joe finds out what it means to be Takatāpui and fakafifine. New Zealand is a diverse country with our communities made up from people of all cultural backgrounds. Sometimes we just assume certain things translate perfectly across cultural boundaries, but often things get lost in translation. While gender is finally no longer seen as a binary choice in western societies, Pacific cultures have understood this for hundreds of years. However in more recent times some of this understanding and cultural embrace has been forgotten. There is a lot of work going into supporting whānau, families and communities who are supporting their young persons on their gender journey by embracing and reforming these cultural connections. Phylesha Brown-Acton, MNZM, founded F'ine Pasifika to help families navigate their way through the gender identity journey their young people are on. From weaving to photo speak, she uses tools that are designed specifically to connect with her communities. "Being open but also expressing to one another is a process and a journey that we are all on and we need to talk through it," said Phylesha. "For a lot of indigenous people is something that's sort of like the seventh thing about us," she said, "It is not, and has never been about being binary. Women do masculine roles, men to feminine roles within different Pacific cultures." Like Pasifika cultures, Māori also view a persons identity with much more plurality than that of western culture. The term 'takatāpui' connects a persons Māori identity with their queer identity. "Takatāpui means to encompass all those identities as one" said Neihana Gordon Stables, a homelessness support worker at Rainbow Youth, "It's to be trans, it's to be bi, it's to be Māori, it's to be all those things at once." Unfortunately, families aren't always so accepting of their young person exploring their gender identity, as Neihana knows all too well. He was kicked out of home at 16. He now has a very good relationship with his mother and uses his personal experiences in his work with young people and their families who find themselves in similar situations. Neihana has seen first hand how providing support for parents and whānau is just as important as supporting the young person who is transitioning. "[Parents] feel so isolated, they are not talking to anybody else," said Neihana, "You deserve to talk about it and you deserve support as well, along side supporting your young person."… Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

    28 min

  6. EPISODE 6

    It’s Never Too Late

    No matter the age, no matter the space, it is never too late to be the person you are inside. Joe meets a couple of people with very different journeys about what it's like to come out trans later in life. When we hear from trans and gender diverse individuals they are normally young people who are figuring out their gender identity as they navigate their teenage years and early adulthood. But social change in New Zealand has allowed older people to explore their gender identity too. Luca Bree has been part of the rainbow community for most of his life but it only been in recently has he begun to explore his gender identity. Rather than a teenager coming out to their parents, Luca found himself, mid-60s, coming out to his adult children. "I told my son and he said 'it's a very first world problem' and then the next day he brought my Christmas present round with: 'To Mum/Luca' on it," he said. Naturally Luca had complicated questions from both himself and his loved ones about who he is now and who he has been for the previous 60 odd years. "Sixty-eight years of being Caroline is not going to go away," said Luca, "I wasn't unhappy before, but I'm so much happier now." It is often the case that people knew there was something not quite right or a feeling that something felt off when they saw themselves in the mirror. Reverend Kyle Provan was nearly 40 years old before he was able to identify as transgender. "It's amazing how long you can keep a mask on for," he said, "That mask of being female even though inside you are slowly dying." "When people started to make me female and change the way I dressed... I walked with it because I wanted to fit in." Kyle struggled through decades of trying to unify his faith with who he knew he was. Kyle and Luca's stories are very different experiences of very similar feelings. But they are also very familiar to young people who have explored their gender. "It really put into perspective how it could have gone differently for me, in terms of my transition," said Let's Be Transparent host Joseph Stockhausen… Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

    32 min

  7. EPISODE 7

    Living Trans? Sweet As!

    What is day-to-day life like when you're Trans? In this episode, we address one of the biggest fears of parents and whanau - what will the future hold for my transgender loved one? It's the question that most exercises the minds of parents and whanau of transgender loved ones - What does the future look like for them now that they have come out? In reality, no one knows what the future holds. But Aych McArdle, a Rainbow and disability advocate, dreams of a time when being trans is just boring and 'normal'. After being knocked off their bike Aych was left with a traumatic brain injury which still affects them today. Their journey through the New Zealand healthcare system was an eye-opener into the challenges faced when you're transgender and disabled. "One of the most traumatic days of my life, I'm having to retell that story over and over again," said Aych, "And then to also be misgendered and not having rehab that really honours who I am as a human being, was incredibly distressing." While the healthcare system should be a safe place, it is a busy and complicated place too. You can help your young person navigate these spaces with simple things like making sure the paperwork correctly identifies them so they are not misgendered at every appointment. Aych wants to just be a really boring person. They don't want to have to be a paralympian or extraordinary to be seen has having a life worth living. "We need to shift and change narratives of what it is like to be disabled in Aotearoa, what it's like to be trans in Aotearoa, so that those who love and support us actually have a more realistic understanding of what our lives are like." Aych said if whanau only saw positive stories, their vision for what their child's life could be, would be positive. It is important that parents do not just focus on the potential barriers, as what may seem like a massive deal now will probably just end up being a complete non issue. Earlier in the season we met Chris and Joe and their daughter Jet. When Jet was approaching the age of 5 they started to worry about what would happen when she started school. After they met with the principal and teachers of their local school it quickly became apparent their fears and worry were for nothing. "The principal was amazing," said Jo, "She was just like, Jet will be a girl. She is a girl in every regard and the rest is her private business." Legally changing your gender can be time-consuming and tedious, but Joe has some tips for making the process run more smoothly, like changing your name BEFORE going through the legal process of changing your gender… Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

    28 min

  8. EPISODE 8

    Your Questions Answered

    We have answered the questions we wish we had known to ask, now we are answering yours. Transitioning and exploring one's gender identity is a journey for not only your young person but the whole whanau. You are not going to wake up one day and have all the answers, there is always going to be more questions. What do you do when your extended family are struggling to be supportive of your young person's transition? When Chris and Jo's pre-school child, Jet, came out as transgender her grandparents, Chris' parents, struggled to understand. "It was really about making sure they understood that this wasn't a decision that we'd made, it was something driven by Jet," said Chris. Sometimes it is about finding a neutral resource that your family members can access that allows them to understand what is happening and that they are not alone, there are millions of people going on the same journey. What if your child isn't ready to come out to your whole family, or the reaction to coming out isn't want they imagined or hoped it would be? "It's kind of just rolling with what happens and always prioritising the safety and needs of your child because they are the vulnerable one," says Ary Jansen from Rainbow Youth. Ary is no stranger to dealing with families struggling to come to terms with their young person questioning their gender assigned at birth. "Sometimes it might be helpful to do some of that educating of your parents, brothers or sisters, aunties or uncles, away from the child so that they don't necessarily have to hear responses they might not like," he says. Transitioning, both for the person and their wider whanau isn't going to happen overnight. It is important to remember this is a process that is going to take time. And despite the initial reactions of family, friends or loved ones, time does tend to make things better. Useful links: RainbowYOUTH - Rrovide support, information, resources & advocacy for Aotearoa’s queer, gender diverse, takatāpui and intersex youth.Outline - An all-ages rainbow mental health organisation providing support to the rainbow community, their friends, whānau, and those questioning. 0800 OUTLINEGender Minorities Aotearoa - A nationwide transgender organisation. It is run by and for transgender people; including binary and non-binary, intersex, and irawhiti takatāpui.Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

    32 min

  9. SEASON 1 TRAILER

    Introducing: Let's Be TRANSparent

    Gender transition is a challenging process for both the person undergoing transition and their whanau. RNZ's new podcast Let's Be TRANSparent demystifies the process and offers practical advice. The series is hosted by 21-year-old Joseph Stockhausen with special guest appearances from his Mum, Pauline. The pair discuss Joe's recent transition and bring in experts to talk about the different stages of transitioning. Whether you are on a gender identity journey or you have a loved one who is on theirs; Let's Be TRANSparent addresses how to break down barriers on all fronts, understand jargon and challenges fears with honest conversations, expert advice and a lot of hindsight. From coming out to getting medical advice, young or old Let's Be TRANSparent has you covered. So take a break from that frantic Googling and Let's Be TRANSparent. Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

    2 min

Trailer

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Ratings & Reviews

4.7
out of 5
15 Ratings

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Joseph Stockhausen -and his mum- navigate the ups & downs of gender transition.

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