199 episodes

Finding Purpose in the Pain - One Adoptee's Journey from Heartbreak to Hope and Healing.

CW // TW // - Some of the content in this podcast might be considered sensitive in nature to some viewers. Please proceed with care. Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

Pamela A. Karanova Pamela A. Karanova

    • Health & Fitness

Finding Purpose in the Pain - One Adoptee's Journey from Heartbreak to Hope and Healing.

CW // TW // - Some of the content in this podcast might be considered sensitive in nature to some viewers. Please proceed with care. Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

    Chapter 11. High Hopes – Finding Purpose in the Pain, One Adoptees Journey from Heartbreak to Hope and Healing, An Audible Memoir By Pamela A. Karanova

    Chapter 11. High Hopes – Finding Purpose in the Pain, One Adoptees Journey from Heartbreak to Hope and Healing, An Audible Memoir By Pamela A. Karanova

    I was elated that I was on the phone with the woman I had fantasized about my entire life. “I have thought of you every year on your birthday, and I hope you have had a great life. What is it you would like to know?” Eileen said.

    “I would love to learn more about you and your life. Do I have any siblings?” I said

    “Well, I enjoy Rod Stewart, he’s my favorite artist. I collect Garfield memorabilia, and I have one daughter, but she doesn’t know anything about you, and I prefer to keep it this way” she said.

    “Thank you for sharing. Can you tell me who my biological father is?” I said?



    This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/06/22/chapter-11-high-hopes-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/


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    • 7 min
    Chapter 10. Paperwork Promises – Finding Purpose in the Pain, One Adoptees Journey from Heartbreak to Hope and Healing, An Audible Memoir By Pamela A. Karanova

    Chapter 10. Paperwork Promises – Finding Purpose in the Pain, One Adoptees Journey from Heartbreak to Hope and Healing, An Audible Memoir By Pamela A. Karanova

    I will never forget Patricia’s following words, “When we were going to sign the adoption paperwork, the attorney gave us the wrong paperwork. Thomas saw your birth mother’s name. If you call him, he might remember it.”

    The emotions that came over my body at that moment are so complex and deep that I don’t think I’ve felt such mixed emotions all at once before. Part of me filled with rage because she lied to me my whole life. Even knowing I was in extreme agony, she told the stale lie repeatedly, even knowing the truth? I will never trust her or forgive her for this, ever.

    The other part was elated at the hope of Thomas remembering my birth mother’s name. Within minutes I picked up the phone and called Thomas.

    “Hi Daddy, Mom said that when you were adopting me, the attorney gave you the wrong paperwork to sign, and you saw my birth mother’s name? Do you remember her name?”



    This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/06/22/chapter-10-paperwork-promises-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/


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    • 5 min
    Chapter 9. A Reason to Live – Finding Purpose in the Pain, One Adoptees Journey from Heartbreak to Hope and Healing, An Audible Memoir By Pamela A. Karanova

    Chapter 9. A Reason to Live – Finding Purpose in the Pain, One Adoptees Journey from Heartbreak to Hope and Healing, An Audible Memoir By Pamela A. Karanova

    The next few years of my life were blurred, and the memories I have during this period aren’t genuinely happy or wholesome. I was constantly partying, and the less I had to sit with myself, the better. Don’t get me wrong, knowing how to party brought on a whole “fun” side of life; however, it was all a mask to cover up the internal sadness and heartache I felt.

    I still thought of my birth mother, but at this stage of my life, living states away, DNA wasn’t a thing, nor was the internet, so I had no clues to go on when it came to finding her. Was she looking for me? If she “loved me so much,” I hoped she would be. But instead, internal sadness loomed as a dark cloud hung over my head, following me everywhere I went.



    This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/06/21/chapter-9-a-reason-to-live-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/


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    • 9 min
    Chapter 8. Transporting Trauma – Finding Purpose in the Pain, One Adoptees Journey from Heartbreak to Hope and Healing, An Audible Memoir By Pamela A. Karanova

    Chapter 8. Transporting Trauma – Finding Purpose in the Pain, One Adoptees Journey from Heartbreak to Hope and Healing, An Audible Memoir By Pamela A. Karanova

    Trigger Warning // Suicide // Physical Abuse

    Approximately 6-8 hours after trying to leave this world, I woke up with a hazy and sluggish feeling all over my body and mind. I remember lying in bed thinking, “Damn, I woke back up! Wasn’t I supposed to be meeting the Devil at the gates of hell right about now?” I could hardly believe it.

    Looking back over that time in my life, one of the most shocking things is that hell seemed like a better solution than living in my reality on earth. That is tremendous because I knew I was going to hell for everything I had done to deserve it, but I didn’t care because I was drowning in my sorrow. I just wanted the pain to go away.

    Does this give the world a small glimpse of how significant my adoptee pain was? Possibly, for those who want to try to understand. I was crushed that I woke back up, I didn’t want to wake back up, and I had this enormous feeling of guilt that came over me that I couldn’t even kill myself right. I felt like a total failure despite all the other feelings I was dealing with.



    This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/06/20/chapter-8-transporting-trauma-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/


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    • 13 min
    Chapter 7. Goodbye World – Finding Purpose in the Pain, One Adoptees Journey from Heartbreak to Hope and Healing, An Audible Memoir By Pamela A. Karanova

    Chapter 7. Goodbye World – Finding Purpose in the Pain, One Adoptees Journey from Heartbreak to Hope and Healing, An Audible Memoir By Pamela A. Karanova

    Trigger Warning // Physical Assault // Violence // Suicide

    Eventually, we left the small two-bedroom Westover Road apartment. Instead, we moved to a bigger three-bedroom townhome closer to Lyndale Mall.

    My relationship with Giovanni became my whole world, filling a massive hole in my heart from losing my birth mother. Finally, having someone I loved who said they loved me back was a fantastic feeling.

    Patricia forbid us from seeing one another, just like she forbid me from seeing Tasha. The more she tried to control what I did or who I hung around, the more I rebelled. She would sometimes come home, and Giovanni or Tasha would be hiding in my bedroom closet. They knew how to climb in, and out of my bedroom window, so we didn’t sweat it. We were still going to spend time together regardless.



    This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/06/19/chapter-7-goodbye-world-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/


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    • 11 min
    Chapter 6. Twisted Love – Finding Purpose in The Pain, One Adoptees Journey from Heartbreak to Hope and Healing, An Audible Memoir By Pamela A. Karanova

    Chapter 6. Twisted Love – Finding Purpose in The Pain, One Adoptees Journey from Heartbreak to Hope and Healing, An Audible Memoir By Pamela A. Karanova

    Trigger Warning // Physical Assault // Violence // Suicide

    Now that I was no longer visiting the Rodriguez’s house, I had more free time on my hands most days. At this stage of my life, Patricia was still working the night shift, and when she was home, she slept all day. We rarely saw one another, but when we did, we fought consistently. My feelings of annoyance and unhappiness around her only increased. I was repulsed by her. I continued to ask her when I could find my birth mother, only to get the same response, “We don’t have enough money for an attorney, but when we do, we will try to get the closed records opened.” The less I had to be in Patricia’s presence, the better.

    With Patricia working the night shift, I occasionally had friends over to party when she was at work. I would kick everyone out before she was supposed to get off, and sometimes I would leave myself. I was clearly out of control, and at 15 years old, I only had a few things on my mind, finding my birth mother, living up to the expectations of being bad, and partying hard.



    This episode is also available as a blog post: http://pamelakaranova.com/2022/06/14/chapter-6-twisted-love-finding-purpose-in-the-pain-one-adoptees-journey-from-heartbreak-to-hope-and-healing-an-audible-memoir-by-pamela-a-karanova/


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    Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/message
    Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/pamela-karanova/support

    • 16 min

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