Playing With Fire

Joli Hamilton
  • 4.9 (74)
  • RELATIONSHIPS
  • UPDATED WEEKLY

Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.

  1. 219 A Patient Path into Non-Monogamy with Laura & Bill

    1D AGO

    219 A Patient Path into Non-Monogamy with Laura & Bill

    Many of us hear stories about couples who dive headfirst into non-monogamy without preparation (what I call the "jumping out of the airplane without a parachute" approach). But after 33 years of marriage, Bill and Laura decided to explore non-monogamy through a gradual, education-centered path. They’re joining us to share their experience with this slow and steady approach, which demonstrates the value of taking time to learn, process, and grow together before making significant changes to your relationship structure. Their journey shows us that opening a relationship doesn't have to be impulsive or chaotic—it can be thoughtful, intentional, and deeply rewarding at any stage of life. In this episode, we talk about: — How becoming empty nesters created space for Bill and Laura to explore "something more expansive" in their relationship — The importance of unlearning social conditioning and stepping off the "relationship escalator" (the traditional path of falling in love, getting married, having kids, and then... what?) — Why the process of "unenmeshing" from each other was crucial to their journey and how they practiced it in everyday ways — The challenge of moving from theoretical knowledge to real-world experiences when Bill spontaneously met someone "in the wild" — How they navigated their first big emotional hurdle when Laura had a "freak out" and Bill initially tried to fix it by stopping what he was doing — The rejuvenating effect that opening up has had on their relationship in their 50s, challenging the notion that non-monogamy is "just for young people" — The value of taking things slowly and allowing each person to move at their own pace — How they've become more individuated while maintaining a deep connection with each other — The ongoing process of working with difficult emotions like jealousy and envy rather than expecting them to disappear — Why connecting with community and seeing others model different relationship styles was crucial to their growth JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    55 min
  2. 218 What will opening up do to us?

    AUG 23

    218 What will opening up do to us?

    When couples consider opening their relationships, one of the most common questions that comes up is: "What will happen to us?" This fear makes perfect sense—you've built something special together, and the prospect of change can feel threatening to the relationship you've carefully cultivated. This question comes from a place of caring deeply about your connection, but it also reveals something important about how we conceptualize relationships in our culture. Many of us have been taught that relationships should involve a certain level of enmeshment, where "we" becomes more important than the individual "I" and "you." Opening up invites us to examine this balance between togetherness and individuality in ways we might never have considered before. It's not just about adding new partners—it's about discovering parts of ourselves and our existing relationships that have been hidden beneath the surface. In this episode, we talk about: — The difference between healthy interconnection and unhealthy enmeshment in relationships — Why differentiation (understanding where you end and your partner begins) is crucial for successful open relationships — How the "matchy-matchy" game many couples play can mask important differences between partners — The ways opening up can reveal unexamined patterns, biases, and wounds in existing relationships — Why it takes 3-5 years to fully adjust to the paradigm shift of non-monogamy — How new relationships can illuminate both old wounds you've experienced and ways you may have hurt your partner — The unexpected positive surprises that can emerge when opening up (like increased sexual energy!) — Why the unpredictability of opening up can be both challenging and rewarding — How justice jealousy can emerge when you see your partner relating differently with someone new — The opportunity for deep relationship repair that opening up can provide — Why friendships can be excellent practice for developing the skills needed in open relationships Resources mentioned in this episode: — Jessica Fern's concept of Justice Jealousy — Dan Siegel's work on interconnection as a healthy alternative to enmeshment — Imago Dialogue — Rainer Maria Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    44 min
  3. 217 Jealous right now? Listen to this.

    AUG 16

    217 Jealous right now? Listen to this.

    Jealousy can feel overwhelming, urgent, and all-consuming. It can make us want to act immediately—to confront, to check locations, to curl up and hide, or even to rage. But what if instead of rushing to "fix" the situation, we first learned to stay present with ourselves through the storm? This episode is designed for you to use in real time, in the moments that jealousy hits. We’re offering a guided meditation and practical tips for those times when jealousy feels too big to handle. In this episode, we talk about: — How to recognize jealousy in your body and stay present with the physical sensations — The importance of naming your feelings without trying to explain or fix them — Why the urge to take immediate action during jealousy is often counterproductive — How to practice self-compassion when jealousy feels overwhelming — Reconnecting with your values and remembering why you chose your relationship style — The power of bilateral tapping and other nervous system regulation techniques — Why jealousy doesn't mean you're "doing relationships wrong" — How to choose one small, kind step to care for yourself when jealousy is present — The importance of not outsourcing your worth to someone else's actions Resources mentioned in this episode: — The Jealousy Resource Center — The Befriending Jealousy Workshop JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    15 min
  4. 216 Helping Your Partner Through an Intense Moment of Jealousy

    AUG 9

    216 Helping Your Partner Through an Intense Moment of Jealousy

    Jealousy happens—even to this jealousy expert! But when your partner is experiencing jealousy, it can feel overwhelming and confusing. Without the right tools, it can quickly spiral into disconnection, shame, or control dynamics that damage the relationship. But is it possible to respond without abandoning yourself or falling into problematic patterns? The truth is, you can help your partner through a moment of jealousy–as long as you have the right tools. And in this episode, we’re giving them to you. We’re breaking down: — Why we need to normalize feeling jealousy rather than stigmatizing it — The difference between jealousy, envy, and insecurity (they're not the same!) — How to recognize your habitual responses when your partner experiences jealousy — The importance of regulating yourself first before responding to your partner's jealousy — Practical ways to signal safety without taking responsibility for your partner's emotions — Why shame and defensiveness create disconnection during jealous moments — The power of reflective empathy and how to practice it effectively — Why asking your partner to feel compersion instead of jealousy is counterproductive — How to recognize when jealousy becomes an unconscious control mechanism in relationships — The four steps of the Jealousy Roadmap — Why these challenging moments can actually build intimacy when handled with care Resources mentioned in this episode: — The Befriending Jealousy Workshop — Joli’s interview on Girl Boner Radio JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    44 min
  5. 215 Nurturing Established Relationship Energy

    AUG 2

    215 Nurturing Established Relationship Energy

    When you've been together for years, it's easy to let your relationship run on autopilot. But what happens when you need to reconnect, especially after a difficult period? In this episode, we share our personal journey of creating an intentional retreat to nurture our established relationship after 18 months of significant changes and challenges. We believe that established relationships deserve just as much intentional care as new ones—maybe even more so! The routines and patterns that develop over time can either support your connection or slowly erode it. By creating a specific container for reconnection, we discovered a renewed sense of love and appreciation for each other that surprised even us. We’re breaking down: — How we created a 5-day retreat to nurture our established relationship energy — The power of using a Minimum Viable Agreement (MVA) to create clear expectations and boundaries for our time together — Why choosing a familiar environment reduced the need for resilience and allowed us to focus on each other — The importance of regular check-ins to stay connected without falling into hypervigilance — How practicing differentiation (recognizing where you end and your partner begins) creates space for authentic connection — The value of having a "parking lot" for relationship issues that need discussion but can wait — Using regulation tools when things get emotionally challenging, especially around intimacy — Why explicit communication is crucial for preventing resentment from unmet implicit expectations — How repair tools like our soft safe word "marshmallow" and the apology and accountability ladder helped us navigate difficult moments — The necessity of preparation when creating intentional relationship experiences Resources mentioned in this episode: — NSI (Neuro Somatic Intelligence) techniques — The Apology and Accountability Ladder and other repair techniques JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    55 min
  6. 214 Defying Mononormativity with @Polyamarla

    JUL 26

    214 Defying Mononormativity with @Polyamarla

    When we step outside established relationship norms, we're not just changing our dating lives—we're challenging entire paradigms that shape how we see the world. In this episode, we welcome Marla Schreiber, author of the new book Non-Monogamy and Defying a Paradigm, to discuss what it truly means to question and move beyond mononormativity. Marla brings a fresh perspective as someone who's been practicing polyamory since 2005, when resources were scarce and community was hard to find. Their journey offers valuable insights for anyone questioning relationship structures or feeling constrained by societal expectations. Paradigm shifts aren't just intellectual exercises—they're deeply personal transformations that require courage, patience, and a willingness to exist in uncertainty. Whether you're considering non-monogamy or simply questioning other societal norms, this conversation offers wisdom about the challenging but rewarding process of creating your own path. In this episode, we talk about: — What paradigms are and why they're so difficult to challenge — The humbling experience of trying to create new relationship structures without established models — How mono-normativity is embedded not just in our social world but in legal systems and economic structures — Why it takes 3-5 years (or more!) to truly begin shifting paradigms — The scarcity model that underlies mono-normativity and how it affects our sense of security — Why "exclusivity" often stands in for deeper values and needs that can be met in other ways — How couples privilege operates and why it's challenging to recognize when you're benefiting from it — The courage required to question your approach, even after years of practice — Why defiance can be a powerful tool when challenging established norms — The importance of staying in the "unknown" rather than rushing to create new rigid structures Resources mentioned in this episode: — Marla Schreiber's new book Non-Monogamy and Defying a Paradigm — Marla’s socials: @PolyaMarla — Marla's newsletter at polyamarla.com — The new edition of More Than Two JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    52 min
  7. 213 Psychedelics and Non-Monogamy with Dr. Nicole Thompson

    JUL 19

    213 Psychedelics and Non-Monogamy with Dr. Nicole Thompson

    When we think about altered states of consciousness, we often focus on individual experiences. But what happens when we bring psychedelics into our relationships—especially non-monogamous ones? The potential for healing, connection, and transformation is immense, but so are the risks if we're not careful about our approach. In this episode, we're joined by Dr. Nicole Thompson, a queer, non-monogamous sex and relationship psychotherapist with training in psychedelic integration therapy. Nicole is the host of the Modern Anarchy podcast and founder of The Pleasure Practice. Her groundbreaking doctoral research is the first study on relationship anarchy, and she brings a wealth of knowledge about how psychedelics can support relational liberation. In this episode, we talk about: — How psychedelics function as "non-specific amplifiers" that can enhance whatever is present in your relationships (both the good and challenging aspects) — The crucial importance of set, setting, and integration when using psychedelics for relationship exploration — Why community is medicine—both in psychedelic experiences and non-monogamy — The parallels between non-monogamy and psychedelics as mind-expanding experiences that challenge cultural norms — How psychedelics can help us experience our bodies differently and reconnect with sensation after trauma — The neuroplasticity that occurs during and after psychedelic experiences (and how to make the most of that 72-hour window) — Why self-compassion is essential when navigating jealousy in non-monogamous relationships — The similarities between NRE (New Relationship Energy) and psychedelic states — Practical integration practices that help us incorporate insights from altered states into everyday life — Why focusing on positive experiences is just as important as processing challenges — The importance of harm reduction and testing substances if you choose to use psychedelics Resources mentioned in this episode: — Nicole's podcast: Modern Anarchy — The Psychedelic Jealousy Guide — Fireside Project psychedelic support hotline — Relationship Reflection Integration Questions JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    54 min
  8. 212 Repair Skills

    JUL 12

    212 Repair Skills

    Relationship ruptures happen to everyone, but repair is a skill that most of us were never really taught. When connections break down between partners, friends, family members, or colleagues, many of us rely on time alone to heal the wounds. But time itself isn't a repair tool, and waiting for hurts to magically disappear often leads to relationships that heal incorrectly, like a broken bone that wasn't properly set. The good news? Effective repair is a learnable skillset that can transform your relationships. Not only does thoughtful repair address specific ruptures, but it also builds relationship resilience, deepens intimacy, and creates psychological safety that allows both people to take more risks in vulnerability. Listen to this one, then check out the Repair Skills YT series we made for you—this is life-changing learning! In this episode, we talk about: — What relationship repair actually is (and what it definitely isn't) — Why time alone cannot heal relationship wounds — How repair is an opportunity to deepen intimacy rather than just a problem to solve — The importance of taking responsibility for your part in ruptures without over-functioning — Why defensiveness, excuses, and intellectualizing are repair-blockers that compound the original hurt — How to avoid performative apologies that don't actually address the underlying issues — Why asking for forgiveness can be problematic and coercive — Why patterns of rupture require patterns of repair — Why repair needs to be consensual—your partner may not be ready when you are — How explanation differs from excuses, and why timing matters when offering explanations — The importance of making repair actions relevant to the specific rupture that occurred — Why gift-giving, sex, or other distractions are not substitutes for genuine repair Resources mentioned in this episode: — The Repair Skills YouTube Series — PWF Episode 129: Imago Dialogue JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    1h 8m
See All (218)

4.9
out of 5
74 Ratings

About

Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.

Information

  • Creator
    Joli Hamilton
  • Years Active
    2020 - 2025
  • Episodes
    218
  • Rating
    Clean
  • Copyright
    © Joli Hamilton
  • Show Website
    Playing With Fire

You Might Also Like