1: the fear coming out of fear

I have always been a creature of fear. My fear was so vast, so colorless, and so consuming that I could not separate it from myself. I was afraid of not being social enough, of disappointing my parents, and of being out of control. As I aged and grew into young adulthood, a new kind of fear crept in long before I could name it. It was not until college that I was finally able to acknowledge it: my sexuality. Once I realized that my sexual attractions were against what I thought my God demanded of me, once I saw that I had grown to be the abomination that I had heard of my whole life, I was devastated. Crushed. Paralyzed. I had no idea why God would give me this curse.  Why had God blessed me with this disposition when he could have settled for jealousy, hate, greed, or a myriad of lesser sins? The question that dug me deeper into myself echoed endlessly through my mind: why me?

coming out of fear installment one: the fear tells the story of how I found myself in the darkest place of my life, with seemingly no escape.