Laura How Laura How

In my work with couples, it is common to see each person attributing the cause of their unhappiness to their partner. One partner will insist they would be happy if only the other would just sort themselves out and become a better person.
Part of my work involves helping the couple to consider what they each might be bringing to the relationship that is causing harm. He might need to honestly acknowledge his tendency to avoid conflict and withdraw when things get uncomfortable. He might benefit from considering that this could be because he was brought up by a family that never talked about feelings. She might need to learn not to criticise or sulk when she feels uncared for and to recognise that some of these feelings might have been caused by her relationship with her father who was often unavailable.
Ultimately, we need to develop positive feelings towards our partners, which is difficult if our complaints about them are not balanced by some real awareness of our own shortcomings.

It seems to me; most people nowadays think that happy couples are somehow lucky. That they perhaps managed to find ‘the one’ and that the seemingly blissful union they share is a result of good fortune. Most people have it wrong. It is truer to say that often, those of us who would describe ourselves as fulfilled and secure in our unions, have in fact worked hard at creating such harmony and strength as a couple over time.
One of the most beautiful and essential elements to this focussed dedication, is the creation of a mainly positive atmosphere or landscape, which flows from both parties towards the other and for their relationship. For their past, for their present, and for their future. They have a co-created love affair with their love affair! They think and say kind and complimentary things about each other. Their memories are fond despite the challenges they have faced, and they are equally hopeful about their shared life ahead.
This kind of couple touch us all. In old age, they are the couples with a bright glint in their eyes, and beautiful stories to tell. Their physical youth may have faded but their love for one another remains clear and strong. A beacon of grace, dignity, wisdom, and sanity.

What is your relationship with yourself like? I ask many clients this question as it often occurs to me early on in our working relationship that people don’t appear to know themselves very well at all. The knowing of oneself is an essential aspect of the feeling of wholeness and a necessary component of authenticity. These feelings are worth striving for. They are a worthwhile goal and something meaningful to aim at. They are something of an ideal, as they protect us against such feelings as anxiety, depression, and hopelessness. Do the work. If you are young, middle aged or old. It is never too soon, and it is never too late.

When it comes to building strength, a major turning point occurred for me when I understood in no uncertain terms, that I was responsible for the quality and outcome of my life no matter what I had encountered as a child.
Part of this involved being able to clearly, and honestly identify personal weaknesses, so that I could work out how to overcome them and grow in strength, and as a person.

Self-regulation is a facet of emotional intelligence. It is the ability to engage control over our own thoughts, emotions, and impulses. It is at the heart of healthy and mature relationships.  If our relationships are to survive, we need to develop a capacity to pause when we are faced with a difficult thought or feeling. Take some time to consider it before we act, so that we can decide what might be the best way forward.
1. Tune in to the moment. Pay attention to what is going on inside you. Are you thinking negative thoughts? Is there tension in your body? Notice such things without judgement. Practice mindful breathing as this will help you gain some space around the thoughts or feelings.
2. Practice cognitive reframing. This involves changing thought patterns which threaten to create bad feelings towards a more positive emotional outcome.
3. Start to increase your awareness and understanding that in every moment you have a choice in how you think, feel and therefore behave. It might feel as though this is not true, but it is. The more we show up and take responsibility for what we are bringing to the moment, the more empowered we are to act in healthy ways.

Relationships do not maintain themselves. Day-to-day work in committed relationships is vital for their survival. I am convinced it is this consistent effort that ensures couples stand a chance of creating a relationship that is more healthy, more stable, more enjoyable, and more satisfying.
It is this steady care and attention, that serves to protect relationships from running into serious and potentially insurmountable trouble later on. In fact, it is this commitment to effort that is the very nature of real and enduring love.
Today, I discuss 5 Habits that will help make your relationship last.
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