Playing With Fire

Joli Hamilton
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Playing With Fire

Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.

  1. 201 Lots of fish in the sea, how do I find mine?

    4H AGO

    201 Lots of fish in the sea, how do I find mine?

    We’ve made a ton of episodes about how to work on relationships once you’re in them. But we also often get asked… how do I actually find good matches while dating?? It’s not always as easy as making an online dating profile and seeing how it goes. We often focus so much on what we want in a partner that we forget to ask ourselves what we’re actually available to offer. If you’re struggling with dating, we’re gonna help you get clear on your availability and bottom-line requirements, which just might totally transform the experience from an exhausting exercise to an exciting opportunity for genuine connection. In this episode, we talk about: — The critical difference between knowing what you want in a partner versus knowing what you're available to offer — Why fawning (trying to be what you think others want) leads to unsatisfying connections and wasted time — How to identify and honor your "bottom-line requirements" in relationships — Why the dating pool in non-monogamy can feel smaller, leading to scarcity mindset and compromising on what truly matters — The importance of creating dating contexts that support your authentic self (like choosing coffee shops over romantic restaurants for first dates) — Why having 2-3 specific questions you ask on every first date can help you gather crucial information — How to balance putting your best foot forward without falling into people-pleasing patterns — The value of taking breaks from dating when needed and returning with renewed clarity — Why articulating what you ARE available for is more powerful than listing what you're NOT available for JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    37 min
  2. 200 Episodes Strong: What We've Learned About Love, Business, and Growth

    APR 19

    200 Episodes Strong: What We've Learned About Love, Business, and Growth

    Reaching 200 episodes of any podcast is a milestone worth celebrating. But when you're recording with your spouse while simultaneously building a business together? That's a whole different level of achievement. In this special anniversary episode, we pull back the curtain on what it's like to navigate the complex terrain of intimate partnership while also being public-facing business collaborators. Our journey hasn't always been smooth—in fact, there were times when working together nearly broke us apart—but the lessons we've learned have been invaluable for our relationship and for the work we do with others. Whether you're considering starting a venture with your partner or simply curious about how relationships evolve through professional collaboration, tune in for some candid reflections into this messy and beautiful process! In this episode, we talk about: — Our unexpected journey from recording 13 simple book-companion episodes to creating 200 episodes and building a business together — The painful lessons from our first business venture together and how those early struggles shaped our current dynamic — Why the wrong leadership structure in a partnership can create ongoing tension and resentment — How fear-based decision making led to overworking and boundary violations in our early business relationship — The importance of claiming your authentic strengths and limitations when working with a partner — Why watching your partner interact professionally with others can deepen trust in unexpected ways — The spiral nature of learning in partnership—how each "failure" can lead to greater self-awareness if you're willing to be honest about your limitations — How business collaboration can serve as a powerful individuation opportunity when you allow it to reflect your inner world — The delicate balance of supporting your partner's spotlight while managing your own feelings of envy — Why creating a podcast together can be both navel-gazing and self-indulgent and meaningful and potentially transformative Resources mentioned in this episode: — Project Relationship: The book that started our podcasting journey together JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    32 min
  3. 199 Why Verbal Agreements Suck (And Why We Still Use Them)

    APR 12

    199 Why Verbal Agreements Suck (And Why We Still Use Them)

    We make verbal agreements with others every day. This can look like something simple—“I’ll bring you a cup of tea”—or like bigger, more complex relationship commitments. But when these agreements live only in our (fallible!) memories, they become vulnerable to misinterpretation, forgetfulness, and even unconscious manipulation. Writing down every single agreement you make isn’t practical (or necessary), but understanding when to put pen to paper can be the difference between relationship harmony and avoidable harm. In this episode, we talk about: — Why verbal agreements often lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings — The difference between everyday agreements and systemic agreements that need documentation — How writing agreements down helps extract them from the shifting context of conversations — The role of weaponized incompetence and how it can show up unconsciously in relationships — Why the mental load of tracking agreements often falls unfairly on one partner — How to perfection-proof your agreements by including what happens when you can't fulfill them — The importance of self-awareness in knowing which agreements you can actually keep — A real-life example of a couple whose weekend-long verbal agreement led to feelings of betrayal — Why writing is thinking, and how it forces us to clarify what we actually mean — How different relationship dynamics might require different approaches to agreements — The painful decade-long aftermath of a misunderstood Christmas agreement in a polyamorous relationship JOIN The Year of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    40 min
  4. 198 Why does jealousy freak out the nervous system?

    APR 5

    198 Why does jealousy freak out the nervous system?

    Ok, so you’re working on nervous system regulation, and you’re working on jealousy. But why is it that the feeling of jealousy can just totally freak out our nervous systems?? In this episode, we’re answering this and other questions about jealousy, panic, and somatics. When jealousy triggers that primal panic in our bodies, it can feel like your world is ending. But we’re not powerless against. There are some practical ways to navigate these intense emotions without letting them derail your relationship and your sense of self, and we’re sharing them with you in this episode! We’re breaking down: — Why jealousy triggers such intense nervous system responses from an attachment theory perspective — The concept of primal panic and how it relates to our sense of safety in relationships — How our attachment systems can remain wired to one person even as we try to create space for multiple relationships — The physiological experience of jealousy as a "high volume" emotion with intense bodily sensations — How neural tags from past experiences, media, and cultural stories can amplify our jealousy responses — The importance of distinguishing between the physical sensations of jealousy and the stories we tell ourselves about what's happening — Practical techniques for managing jealousy in the moment, including tracking sensations, using humor, and co-regulation — Why creating a "rescue plan" for jealousy episodes returns our sense of agency and helps prevent spiraling — The value of asking for specific reassurance that addresses your actual fears rather than generic comfort — How jealousy can reveal important information about ourselves and our deepest fears if we're willing to examine it — Why experiencing jealousy doesn't mean you're "failing" at non-monogamy—it's a normal part of the journey Resources mentioned in this episode: — The Befriending Jealousy Workshop on March 25, 2025, from 7-9pm Eastern time — Episode 170: Jealousy and Attachment Panic — Episode 118: Are there quick and easy ways to manage relationship stress? — Episode 113: How to do hard things and build exceptional love with Elisabeth Kristof JOIN The Year of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    38 min
  5. 197 I Want What They’ve Got: Feeling Envy Towards Your Partner

    MAR 29

    197 I Want What They’ve Got: Feeling Envy Towards Your Partner

    Envy in relationships can be sneaky. It often hides behind other emotions like jealousy, anger, or disappointment, making it hard to recognize—even when we're actively looking for it! When we feel envious of our partners, it creates a unique kind of tension. Unlike envying a metamour or someone outside your relationship, partner envy touches on deeper questions about fairness, comparison, and what we truly want. It can be particularly challenging because admitting envy means acknowledging something we lack or desire, which isn't always comfortable. But if you face it head on, partner envy can be a great opportunity for individuation and personal growth. In this episode, we talk about: — How envy of your partner often gets hidden behind other emotions like jealousy, anger, or disappointment — The difference between wanting what someone has versus wanting to be what they are — Why "fairness" alarms often trigger us to reach for things we don't actually want — The danger of compartmentalizing when comparing ourselves to our partners — Common scenarios where partner envy emerges, especially in newly opened relationships with desire mismatches — How unaddressed envy quickly transforms into resentment that damages relationships — Why partners sometimes pull back from activities to avoid triggering their partner's envy (and why this doesn't actually solve anything) — The reality that shifting relationship paradigms typically takes 3-5 years, not the 3-5 months many people hope for — How to dig beneath surface envy to discover what you truly want when you're envious of something you don't actually desire — The different experiences people of different genders have on dating apps and how this creates unique envy dynamics — Why taking a narrow view often fuels envy, while stepping back to see the full picture can help dissolve it Resources mentioned in this episode: — Joli’s Jealousy Resource Center JOIN The Year of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    40 min
  6. 196 Envy: How to Use It and How to Lose It

    MAR 22

    196 Envy: How to Use It and How to Lose It

    Let's be honest—most of us really don’t want to talk about envy. It's uncomfortable, it feels icky, and it brings up all sorts of emotions we'd rather not face. You know we love to talk about jealousy, but understanding envy, especially how it differs from jealousy, can also be incredibly valuable for relational and personal growth. In this episode, we talk about: — The difference between envy and jealousy, and why we often conflate them — How envy involves comparing ourselves to others and breaking people down into parts rather than seeing them as whole humans — The underlying sense of unfairness that fuels envy and how it can become destructive — Why envy can be both a powerful motivator and a path to self-destruction — How envy shows up specifically in non-monogamous relationships, especially when it appears alongside jealousy — The way envy can point us toward our genuine wants and desires if we're willing to examine it — How envy can be valuable individuation material that helps us understand our values and what we truly want — The destructive potential of envy in relationships and communities when left unexamined — Practical ways to work with envy when it arises, including using it as information rather than letting it control our actions — The importance of considering not just what we envy in others, but whether we're willing to do what it takes to achieve similar outcomes Resources mentioned in this episode: — Cinderella and Her Sisters: The Envied and the Envying by Ann and Barry Ulanov — What is Compersion? by Marie Thouin — The Drama Triangle concept by Stephen Karpman JOIN The Year of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    32 min
  7. 195 Help, I’ve Struck Gold: Handling NRE in Two Relationships

    MAR 15

    195 Help, I’ve Struck Gold: Handling NRE in Two Relationships

    New Relationship Energy (NRE) can make everything feel like a shiny object. We get it, we love that feeling too! If you’re practicing non-monogamy, you might actually find yourself feeling NRE in multiple places. We made this episode in response to a listener question—what do I do with all these feelings and expectations? How do I prepare for when this chemical cocktail starts to fade? Even though it’s really exciting, this noisy emotional environment requires thoughtful navigation to maintain balance and authenticity. In this episode we’re helping you navigate everything from the big picture emotional questions to the practical, day-to-day questions like how to manage your schedule. We’re breaking down: — The neurochemical nature of NRE — How NRE can lead us to project our desires onto new partners rather than seeing them clearly — The difference between NRE (new relationship energy) and limerence, and why understanding this distinction matters — Why NRE often causes us to mute our own boundaries and bottom-line requirements — The challenge of maintaining authenticity when we're caught up in the newness of relationships — How to recognize when you're abandoning yourself, your established partners, or your friendships during intense NRE periods — The importance of explicit conversations about expectations rather than just "going with the flow" — Strategies for pacing yourself and managing your energy when experiencing multiple NREs — The transition from NRE to ERE (established relationship energy) and how to nurture deeper connections — Why comparing your relationships is less valuable than examining how you show up differently in each one Resources mentioned in this episode: — Episode 153: Limerence vs. New Relationship Energy JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    44 min
  8. 194 Reimagining Relationships

    MAR 8

    194 Reimagining Relationships

    When something isn't working, even if you’ve been practicing non-monogamy for a long time, it’s really easy to default into the monogamous paradigm, which offers only a few set options. But what if there was another way? Reimagining a relationship means creating something new. It's different from de-escalation (which implies undoing a path you've taken) or uncoupling (which implies ending). Instead, reimagining opens space to explore what your relationship could become if you moved beyond your current ideas of what it is or was supposed to be. This process requires courage, patience, and a willingness to step into the unknown together. It's challenging work, but it can lead to beautiful new forms of connection that honor both your history and your ability to grow and change. In this episode, we talk about: — Why reimagining is different from de-escalation or uncoupling, and how it implies continuity rather than ending — The importance of acknowledging that our imagination is our relationship in many ways — How mononormativity limits our options when relationships need to change (stay together, break up, or be miserable) — The necessity of creating a "liminal container" – a dedicated time and space for the reimagining process — Why grief work is essential before you can truly reimagine something new — The challenge of letting go of what was while maintaining connection — How repair work fits into reimagination (hint: you can't skip it!) — The importance of nervous system regulation during times of uncertainty — Why creating new, explicit agreements is crucial for your reimagined relationship — The value of celebrating when you successfully reimagine a relationship into something new — How the language of "reimagining" itself can be empowering and create possibilities Resources mentioned in this episode: — The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller — Episode 152: How to Take Intentional Relationship Breaks — Episode 172: Grieving Change JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

    46 min
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    4.9
    out of 5
    71 Ratings

    About

    Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.

    Information

    • Creator
      Joli Hamilton
    • Years Active
      2020 - 2025
    • Episodes
      200
    • Rating
      Clean
    • Copyright
      © Joli Hamilton
    • Show Website
      Playing With Fire

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