136 episodes

Two sex addicts in long-term successful recovery are ALSO world-class mental health professionals who specialize in porn and sex addiction recovery. Drawing on 40 years of combined personal and professional experience, Mark and Steve get RAW and REAL about HOW to overcome addiction, heal betrayal trauma and save your marriage. If you're struggling with addiction—we get it. Recovery is hard. We've been there. We'l help you take the fight to your addiction like never before. If you're married to an addict—we KNOW what it's like to nearly destroy a marriage. We'll help you understand the world of your husband's addiction and begin healing your betrayal trauma, regardless of what he decides to do. You don't have to stay stuck. You don't have to keep suffering. We've made all the mistakes so you don't have to. Take back your life. Take back your marriage. Let's do this together! This is the PBSE podcast.

Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE Steve Moore & Mark Kastleman

    • Health & Fitness
    • 4.6 • 64 Ratings

Two sex addicts in long-term successful recovery are ALSO world-class mental health professionals who specialize in porn and sex addiction recovery. Drawing on 40 years of combined personal and professional experience, Mark and Steve get RAW and REAL about HOW to overcome addiction, heal betrayal trauma and save your marriage. If you're struggling with addiction—we get it. Recovery is hard. We've been there. We'l help you take the fight to your addiction like never before. If you're married to an addict—we KNOW what it's like to nearly destroy a marriage. We'll help you understand the world of your husband's addiction and begin healing your betrayal trauma, regardless of what he decides to do. You don't have to stay stuck. You don't have to keep suffering. We've made all the mistakes so you don't have to. Take back your life. Take back your marriage. Let's do this together! This is the PBSE podcast.

    Is It Simply "Sex Addiction," or Something More?—Examining the Nuances & Roots of Addiction Behaviors.

    Is It Simply "Sex Addiction," or Something More?—Examining the Nuances & Roots of Addiction Behaviors.

    In this episode, Mark and Steve tackle a VERY important issue—examining the nuances and roots of addiction behaviors. This is in response to a PBSE listener's question—

    "I recently discovered my husband hired a prostitute for himself while away on business. Since this discovery it’s come out that my husband was viewing porn and visiting massage parlors with regularity. My question, as we are only about a month into this process, is how do you know if your spouse has a sex addiction versus poor morals/lack of respect for the relationship? Our therapy team is calling these issues sex addiction but the people I trust most in my life question if his behaviors are truly addictive versus behavioral. I’m confused."
    -  What this PBSE listener describes could definitely be evidence of addictive/compulsive behaviors. However, using their therapy team to consider some other additional reasons for the behaviors would be wise—Is it a single-causation issue, like addiction, or does it include other variables, including but not limited to—

    - Lack of attachment skills or knowledge base.

    - History of past dysfunctional/unhealthy relationships.

    - Styles of attachment modeled by influential figures (male role models, attachment styles between parents, etc.).

    - How long have these behaviors been going on? Does he have a history of various forms of acting out, or is this a new or rapid-onset problem?

    - Are there any other pre-existing or co-occurring mental health conditions?

    - Trauma is one of, if not THE most common root of addiction behaviors—how this plays a role is critical.

    - In most cases, the case for addiction isn’t completely black and white, and even when it is, understanding it’s true roots, not just the behaviors, is the key to effective treatment.

    Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

    Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling
    Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

    Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video
    To learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

    • 27 min
    How do “Family of Origin” Issues Impact your Addiction, Recovery and Marriage Relationship?

    How do “Family of Origin” Issues Impact your Addiction, Recovery and Marriage Relationship?

    In response to a PBSE Listener's situation and question, Mark and Steve share some raw and real thoughts and feelings from their own "families of origin."  Here an excerpt from what the PBSE listener sent in—

    Mark & Steve,It’s been an absolute blessing to have discovered your podcast. My spouse and I listen regularly. To be blunt, Mark, he has said he relates so much with you in particular when it comes to mindset & behaviors of his addiction. And like Steve, he too lost his father too soon, as a teenager (of which he said he was emotionless when it happened. No tears. Just nothing… indifference, despite how much he loved his Dad.)
    I’m not ignorant to the contribution of my past & family of origin has added to our dynamic. I’m an adult child of a substance use addicted mother and a sex, porn and love addicted father who struggles with narcissistic personality disorder. However, betrayal trauma and being the spouse of a porn & sex addict has been the worst pain I’ve ever felt. It’s been a slow, dwindling over 3 years and I can’t help but recognize how my grace and stability in values have been taken advantage of….
    How has family of origin played a role in your dynamics with your spouses, if at all? Thanks for all you guys are doing. You’ve set the bar high in my hopes for my spouses recovery.

    -  Mark and Steve share specific traumas from their childhoods and HOW these "family of origin issues" directly impacted their addictions, recoveries and marriage relationships.

    -  Remember that "brain wiring" from your family-of-origin experiences is EXTREMELY dominant and will be your "default" in times of stress, especially during marriage difficulties. To grow and evolve "through" this wiring to create "new wiring" you MUST do your PERSONAL recovery and healing work!

    -  Please know that this "rewiring process" will take time, patience and consistent effort. Hang in there with yourself and your marriage while this process and evolution unfolds.

    Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

    Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling
    Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

    Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video
    To learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

    • 23 min
    Now that my partner is in recovery, what should our “sexual norms” look like as a Couple?

    Now that my partner is in recovery, what should our “sexual norms” look like as a Couple?

    In this episode, Mark and Steve respond to a scenario and question from a PBSE listener—

    "Since my husband and I have gotten into recovery I struggle with still feeling like we are supposed to be having sex every three days or my husband will fall and it will be my fault. I still struggle with his decreased libido now that he isn't hyper-sexualize and can't help but feel triggered that he must be acting out, I'm ugly or there is something wrong with me. I can confidently say he is in good recovery and he is not echoing the things I am feeling.
    So how do I come to terms with this healthier sexual norm? How do I move through feeling like I wasted my sexual "prime" and now have to be ok with sex once or twice every two weeks? We both enjoy sex together but with work, kids, responsibilities it's hard for us to get good connection time in that can open the door for healthy physical intimacy."

    Mark and Steve take this topic HEAD ON, including the VERY important principle of "engaging in holistic intimacy which can then lead to sex, vs. using sex as the way to attain healthy intimacy."

    Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

    Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling
    Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

    Can your marriage survive sex and porn addiction?  Check out this article to learn more—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

    • 25 min
    It’s Been a Long Time Since I Looked at Porn–Am I Cured? Do I Still Need “Recovery Work”?

    It’s Been a Long Time Since I Looked at Porn–Am I Cured? Do I Still Need “Recovery Work”?

    A PBSE listener writes in about her spouse who has been porn-free for over ten years. Yet, there are still many areas of his personal life and their relationship where there is room for growth and improvement. In this episode, Mark and Steve talk about how "recovery" is about a WHOLE LOT MORE than just being "sober."

    When one gets into recovery, IF he or she can catch the full "vision" it is truly AMAZING the many ways personal lives and relationships can evolve into something never imagined possible! Mark and Steve talk real about how this has been true for each of them and their clients over the years.

    What ARE the KEY INDICATORS that someone is in "real" recovery?

    Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

    Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling
    Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

    Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video
    To learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

    • 28 min
    Would my Spouse Still be an Addict if He had Married Someone Else?

    Would my Spouse Still be an Addict if He had Married Someone Else?

    In this episode, Mark and Steve speak from the heart to a PBSE listener whose addict spouse passed away and now she finds herself wrestling with some horrific "what-ifs."  Here's the honest and courageous message she sent to Mark and Steve—

    Would this have happened if my spouse had married someone else?—Three years ago my marriage And my life as I knew it imploded upon learning that my husband of 21 years had been living a double life of lies, infidelity, and addiction for our entire relationship. I Began intense therapy for betrayal trauma in 2019 and in the two years that followed we struggled with couples recovery and my husband struggled with his own recovery which included AA in addition to his sexual acting out with both women and men. One of the things that my therapist tried to help me see early on is that my husband would have walked his path no matter who he married….. that it didn’t matter what kind of partner I was or how good or bad our marriage was that he would have acted in the same manner regardless of who he was with. Sadly my husband lost his battle with alcohol last year. Now I am left with a million questions about how we ended up where we did. Did he ever truly love me? What did I do to contribute to the breakdown of our marriage and his death? Is there really nothing f I could have done or said to help him or prevent his going outside our marriage for sexual gratification? And so many more. I struggle to except what my therapist tells me…that my husband‘s behavior was a reflection not on me or our marriage but solely on him. I have been listening to your podcast since my husband passed and in addition to a tremendous amount of education it has helped me see what real recovery could have looked like for my husband had he been able to get there…. it helps me to know that what I thought recovery could be, although not easy, was not unrealistic. I would love your perspectives as clinicians and recovering addicts on the question that I can’t seem to get some closure on and that is— “Would this have happened no matter who he married or what kind of marriage he had.?" Thank you for reading and for the wonderful content you bring to this community. 

    Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

    Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling
    Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

    Can your marriage survive sex and porn addiction?  Check out this article to learn more—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

    • 28 min
    What if my Addict Partner DEMANDS Sex so He can Stay Sober?

    What if my Addict Partner DEMANDS Sex so He can Stay Sober?

    In this episode, Mark and Steve directly address a spouse's extremely difficult situation. Here's a small excerpt from the message she sent to PBSE—

    He has been an off and on again porn user through the years, and currently claims he is not using it. Since he has given it up, the demand for sex is nearly daily with clear expectations that “sex must happen every other day” or he will relapse and it will be my fault.

    -  Attempting to transfer ownership of sobriety to a partner.

    -  Using threats of acting out or other emotional outbursts if "his needs" are not met.

    -  The challenge with a partner not being willing or able to set and hold clear boundaries.

    -  How a partner can "lose her voice" in the relationship.

    -  Why the phrase "sex is optional" is crucial to true, holistic intimacy and connection in a relationship.


    Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

    Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling
    Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

    Can your marriage survive sex and porn addiction?  Check out this article to learn more—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

    • 22 min

Customer Reviews

4.6 out of 5
64 Ratings

64 Ratings

elizaschay ,

An oasis in the desert

This podcast was an oasis in the desert of sex addiction and betrayal trauma for me and my partner when we were desperate and had no idea where to turn. The balanced perspectives between addict and betrayed partner along with Mark and Steve’s gentleness and lightness to such heavy, burdened listeners is a gift. Thank you both for the amazing work you do.

ssimibfa ,

THANK YOU

What an amazing podcast. So glad you guys emphasize on what the spouse is feeling/going through/her recovery, rather than just focusing on the man’s addiction and ED. You guys are the best out there. I’ve been binge listening nonstop. Could literally listen to so many episodes back to back everyday without a complaint.

Flamboy88 ,

A better way for some

Mark and Steve’s approach may be the perfect thing for some. After listening to the most recent episode, I decided to write a review. I’ve listened to all their episodes along with many other podcasts in the recovery space. After working 12 steps in various groups including SAL for over 20 years I Learned that much of the tools provided there just don’t work for me . I would recommend listening to Sarah Brewer, Zach Spafford, Sathia Sam, or Tony Overbay. I believe using the word addict and addiction can really serve to keep many people stuck. When you take away the porn, all you are left with is unhealthy or difficult emotions. Learning how to deal with these emotions with less shame is a more effective way to mindfully approach the struggle! If you are having to go to 12 step meetings 10 years into your recovery and still have to call an accountability partner every day, I think it’s time to find a better set of tools. I just don’t really think the 12 step approach for alcoholics anonymous transfers into the sexuality realm very well. I do agree that the true connection, authenticity, and healing that need to happen for real recovery can happen outside of 12 steps with the right tools and the right therapy in the right mindset, and with mindfulness. I’ve experienced more true recovery, not just sobriety, with an approach that feels like finally finding some answers! If you are in a hole, and the only tools people are offering is the same set of shovels you’ve always had, and they tell you that you just have to dig harder, get madder, etc… it’s the wrong tools. The tight tools really are more liberating. The sooner we stop calling this struggle “addiction” and own the fact that we can choose differently and have different results the better. My wife loves that I can finally be authentic and honest without the shame and labels.

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