200 episodes

Learn the secrets of saving a troubled marriage, and the methods to improve any marriage. Join Dr. Lee Baucom as he explores practical ways to save a marriage. Gain the understanding and tools you need in order to successfully solve your relationship problems with love and respect.

The Save The Marriage Podcast Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

    • Mental Health
    • 4.5, 182 Ratings

Learn the secrets of saving a troubled marriage, and the methods to improve any marriage. Join Dr. Lee Baucom as he explores practical ways to save a marriage. Gain the understanding and tools you need in order to successfully solve your relationship problems with love and respect.

    Escaping the Attraction – breaking free from the affair partner

    Escaping the Attraction – breaking free from the affair partner

    Another listener question is the topic of this week’s episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  The question focuses on an affair… and leaving it.  What do you do about the strong attraction that can develop with the affair partner?



    What if your brain is telling you the feelings are real… and if they are there, maybe it was meant to be?  What if you keep wondering if the affair partner is your “soulmate,” and you messed up with marrying your spouse?



    Or what if these are the questions of your spouse?  That your spouse is trying to break free, but keeps falling back into the thoughts (and arms) of the affair partner?



    How do you break free?



    Can you break free?



    You can.  And your marriage can be filled with the connection you were missing.



    How?



    Listen in to this week’s episode below.



    RELATED RESOURCES

    Recovering From The Affair Book

    Affair Recovery Resources

    The Importance of Connection

    Save The Marriage System

    • 24 min
    The Differences Between Happy and Hurting Marriages

    The Differences Between Happy and Hurting Marriages

    Marriages start at the same place:  two people in love, ready to face the world together.  And most believe they have already beaten the odds.  Their love is “the real thing,” enduring and lasting.  It won’t fall apart like those other marriages.  They have already won.



    Except they haven’t.



    Some marriages keep on moving forward, resolute and solid, loving and supportive.  But many hit an inflection point. They go from happy to hurting.



    And many times, they can’t find their way back… mostly because they don’t know what the difference was; what made the difference between happy and hurting.



    Interestingly, most people name differences that don’t make a difference between happy and hurting.  What they assume makes a difference, doesn’t.



    Instead, there are 4 differences that do matter.  And here is what is important:  they can be changed.  Once you understand the 4 differences between a hurting and happy marriage, you can shift toward happy.  They are learnable skills, once identified.



    Listen below for the 4 differences that don’t matter and the 4 differences that do.  They make the difference between happy and hurting.



    RELATED RESOURCES:

    The Power of Commitment

    The Importance of Connection

    What About Communication?

    The Save The Marriage System

    • 28 min
    Service or Repair?

    Service or Repair?

    My car is in for service.  Usually, that means I am in their lounge, trying my best to work with daytime TV blaring in the background.  But due to COVID, I decided to leave it there and head for home.  Now, I am just waiting for the call to pick it up.



    It’s just regular maintenance today (fingers crossed).  But there were other cars there for repairs.



    Which had me thinking….



    What does service mean for a relationship?  How about repair for a marriage?



    The more I thought about it, the more the metaphor fit.  If I do regular maintenance on my car, it by no means guarantees that it won’t break down.  But it does increase the chances of avoiding a roadside breakdown.



    Let’s be fair:  even the best-maintained vehicles can still break down, still need a repair.  But let’s also be clear that if you have maintained your relationship, it is far less likely to need a repair, and far less likely that it will be costly (I can attest to this after the demise of my first car).



    Well-maintained marriages are far less likely to hit a crisis — a breakdown.  And if they do hit a crisis, they are better equipped to deal with the crisis and the outcome.



    In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover the process of marriage maintenance (5 steps) and what to do when it is repair time.  Listen below.



    RELATED RESOURCES

    Importance of Connection

    3 Steps to Saving Your Marriage

    Dangers of Therapy

    Grab the Save The Marriage System

    • 28 min
    How to Deepen Your Connection

    How to Deepen Your Connection

    The #1 reason people sought me out for couples counseling:  “We are just not connected.”  The #1 reason why marriages end up failing:  “We are just too disconnected."



    What happened?  That connection you had at the beginning of your marriage… where did it go?



    I can tell you the biggest reason why couples become disconnected:  life gets in the way.  Or more correctly, couples let life get in the way.  They hit the “pause button” on the relationship.  Because of kids, the career, schooling, hobbies, friends… lots of reasons.



    They just didn’t know there is no such thing as a pause button.  Either your relationship is growing or receding.  There is no pause.



    Still, they hit pause… and their marriage begins to disconnect.  Then, reconnecting seems so hard.  It is pushing against the inertia created.  It starts feeling like one more “have to” that is shuffled off to the back, last in line.  The marriage stays “paused,” and the relationship continues to decline.



    How DO you deepen your connection? That is the topic on this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast.



    I discuss the 3 levels of connection, and why it is so easy at the beginning… and then gets hard.  I also note the 2 characteristics you need in order to build the connection between you and your spouse.



    And then, I introduce you to a couple who have created a fun way to build connection with your spouse.  Don’t miss that discussion!



     



    RELATED RESOURCES

    BetterTopics.com

    Kickstarter Project

    Book:  How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps (I cover the 3 levels of connection)

    The Importance of Connection

    Pause Button Marriage

    Why Pause is So Bad

    • 42 min
    Survival Rules for Your Marriage

    Survival Rules for Your Marriage

    Your marriage is in trouble.  You know you want to save your relationship, but you aren’t sure how.



    Step #1 is surviving.



    Confession:  I have an abiding interest in survival.  I’m the guy who reads all the scuba accident reports, the shark attack reports, and the mountaineering accident reports.



    Why do those who survive make it through?  What makes a difference for them?



    They followed, on purpose or by accident, “rules” of surviving.  Those rules can help you, too.



    Your first task is to survive.  That gives you time to take more action.  Those actions are designed to rescue your relationship.  In fact, that is one rule I cover… being the rescuer.  Check it out in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.



    RELATED RESOURCES

    Simplify It (series)

    Anti-Fragile Marriage

    Surviving Specific Situations (series)

    Save The Marriage System



     

    • 21 min
    Focused On The Wrong Things?

    Focused On The Wrong Things?

    At the beginning of a coaching session, my clients often tell me what they have been focused on in their marriage crisis.  Almost always, they are focusing on the wrong things.



    And in the process, they are not focusing on the right things.



    Where we focus is what gets our attention.  Focus on the wrong things, and the wrong things get our attention… our energy… and our investment.



    That can head you right toward disaster and further discord.  And when you focus on the wrong things, trying harder does even more damage.



    "Rowing harder doesn’t help if the boat is headed in the wrong direction."

    Kenichi Ohmae



    There are three places people often focus their attention that are not helpful, at best, and can be harmful at worst.  And there are three areas that need your focus, that need your attention.



    Focus on the right areas to make progress in your marriage crisis.



    RELATED RESOURCES

    Why Connection Matters

    3 Levels of Connection

    Dealing with Infidelity

    Save The Marriage System

    • 20 min

Customer Reviews

4.5 out of 5
182 Ratings

182 Ratings

Crazy Dave Jr. 56 ,

Some much needed Hope and perspective

What he says really resonates as true to me. I'm not sure if it will work, because my husband said he is done. He is having an affair, (the love of his life) and that makes everything more complicated. I know that my anger and resentment probably brought him to that. I'm working on ways to connect again with him. I have nothing to lose. I think I can even keep my dignity with these tools. We are also at many crossroads in life, we are both almost 50, the kids will leave the nest in a few years, his job is supper demanding and in flux, and we can't seem to make enough money. Lots of stressors for a 20 year marriage. God help us. I have hope that our marriage will be stronger if we can get through this. I still love the guy despite everything. Also I really need some hope I can't bear life without hope.

uscnico ,

Self-Reflection

This is the podcast you should listen to. I’m only in 2017, started at the beginning in 2016. Even though the title says it’s about marriage, it’s not entirely focused on “saving your marriage,” as it is on saving yourself. This is a great podcast that centers on self-reflection and evaluation. Are you ready to be honest with yourself? Because this will take you on a journey in which you’ll identify patterns in your relationships—with significant others, siblings, co-workers, parents, friends...it helps trace the root to the underline motivation to your actions. Growth and change are hard, but this podcast reminds us, that we’re worth the time and work...and if self growth leads to saving a relationship, then all the better 😉

Reflective Learner ,

Incredibly helpful!

I have listened to almost all of podcasts and recommend them to others who are struggling. I appreciate your connection approach. I would love to hear more on avoiding co-dependency in a healthy connected relationship. Thank you for all you do!

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