The Save The Marriage Podcast Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

It is such a common demand from a spouse during a marital crisis:  “I need space!  You just need to give me space!”



Yet here I am, telling you to connect with your spouse, to rebuild the broken connection that led to the crisis.



Are they opposites?



One listener to the Save The Marriage Podcast was wondering.  Which means that others might be wondering the same thing.



Here is the problem:  When your marriage is in crisis and a spouse asks for space, if you can’t give it, your spouse will demand MORE space.  And if that is not given, your spouse will force even MORE space.  Each step causes deeper disconnection and a deeper crisis.



And yet, you know you need to fix the disconnection in order to heal the crisis.  It just seems that connecting and giving space are opposite ends.  But that is mainly because of the way you are trying to connect.  You can accidentally be crowding, not connecting.



Listen in to discover the truth about “space” and how to connect without crowding.



(And if you have questions you want answered on the podcast, CLICK HERE TO SEND THEM.)



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What is Space?

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VIP Program

In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis.  There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.



This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis.  And just to let you know:  you are NOT at stage 1.  That would be Asleep.  This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble.  You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway.



But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage!



Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis.  That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis.



In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do that very thing.



Listen in below.



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FACT of the Crisis

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Most people don’t come right out and say it, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are the victim in their marital situation.  They believe they have been done wrong… more wrong than they have done.



Problem is, their spouse is believing the same thing.



Over and over, I watched as people seemed to make a mad race to be the bigger victim, each on their side of my couch, trying desperately to prove they have done all they can.  But their spouse….



It is quite a game.  Not one that either person is enjoying.  Yet both are playing.



In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you the rules of the game, why we play the game… and how to end the game… unless you really want to win it.  Then, you can use the information to do that… although I don’t know why you would really want to.  That game ends with 3 losers:  You, your spouse, and your marriage.



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Let me be the first to say, saving your marriage can be hard on you emotionally!



Well, I don't really need to tell you, do I?  YOU are living it!



One of the tough things, if you are going it alone (at the moment) is the fact that you want to feel loved, too.  You are likely trying to make sure your spouse feels love... feels love.  You are likely working on connection... even if it isn't (currently) coming back your way.



And since we humans really want and need that love and connection, it can be tough when you don't feel it coming back.



Because of just that, many people give up -- even if they are almost there!  Even if they are pretty close to saving their marriage, they often give up, frustrated and hurt.



I get that.  I understand it.



And I want to make sure you understand it, too.  So, we talk about the feeling and what to do about it, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.



Don't get derailed (when you might be so close to your goal!).



 



RELATED RESOURCE:

The Marriage Experiment Training

The Save The Marriage System

The Video of This Training

Episode on Hope and Hopelessness

For many couples in a troubled marriage, their first stop is marital therapy. In fact, for many, it is almost an instinctive reaction.  Marriage problem?  Head for therapy.



How do I know?



Because I hear from them... when therapy fails.  Which is, unfortunately, fairly often.



Why?



In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you a little "inside information" on the factors that determine success or failure in marriage therapy.



Since I was trained as a marriage therapist, I have long been observing the profession.  I stepped away and shifted to relationship coaching some years ago.  But I still have my finger on the pulse of this profession.



So, let's talk about what leads to success... and what leads to failure, when you head to marital therapy.



Just so you know....



Listen below.



 



RELATED RESOURCES:

Top 10 Myths of Marital Therapy

What Your Therapist WON'T Tell You

Why Is It "Therapy or Bust"?

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Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right?  Yes, your marriage is in crisis.  But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage.  Right?



Not so fast.



Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance.  Not less.  It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off.  More insistence that nothing can be done.  That the marriage is beyond repair.  And that the only solution is dissolution.



So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won’t work, what will?



In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the concept of force, and how to shift it toward your goal of saving your marriage.



Listen below.



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Don’t Convince

Working on Connection

Book:  Beyond The 3 Barriers

Book:  How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps

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