Zachary Stockill is an award-winning Canadian researcher, author, YouTuber, and podcaster. His work has been featured by BBC News, BBC Radio 4, HuffPost, The Art of Charm, and many other popular podcasts and publications. Zachary has been acknowledged as a leading authority on dealing with jealousy in relationships. In 2013, he published the guidebook Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy: A Guide to Getting Over Your Partner's Past and Finding Peace, and founded RetroactiveJealousy.com, the most visited site on the internet concerning retroactive jealousy. He is also the creator and host of "Get Over Your Partner's Past Fast" and "The Overcoming Jealousy Blueprint," online video courses in personal development available via RetroactiveJealousy.com. He is also the creator and host of Humans in Love: A Podcast for Curious People, available worldwide via Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and more. Follow Zachary on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram @zfstockill. To learn more about Zachary's online courses, books, and one-on-one coaching, please visit RetroactiveJealousy.com.
My Top-3 Reasons Men Should STOP Watching Porn
In today’s video, I will share my top-3 reasons why retroactive jealousy sufferers should stop watching porn.
Read or watch below to discover why you should stop watching porn if you’re a retroactive jealousy sufferer.
Zachary Stockill: It is never easy to change a habit. It takes time, it takes effort. It takes dedication. It can be particularly difficult to break a long-standing habit. And unfortunately, one of the most common habits among young men and many older men as well is watching video pornography.
You’ve heard me talk about pornography on this channel before, I’m sure if you’ve been watching my videos for a while. And I’m not being moralistic here. I don’t necessarily think it’s wrong to watch video pornography, I’m not going to get into those arguments. What I want to do today is compel male retroactive jealousy sufferers to stop watching porn. Not for any moralistic reason, but because it’s actually making overcoming retroactive jealousy much more difficult.
So why am I making this video? Why am I talking to you today? Because most young men nowadays learn about sex and sexuality through watching pornography. This often represents their earliest exposure to naked women; to sex and sexuality. I’m in my mid-30s now, and I just barely missed the generation with teenage access to high-speed internet and smartphones. That wasn’t a part of my life, thank goodness.
With many guys, growing up with video pornography, hardcore porn on their phones is available 24/7. It does a lot of damage to their sex lives.
I think it can do a lot of damage to their own conceptions of what constitutes good sex, and what women want.
And I think this is a serious problem, in particular, for retroactive jealousy sufferers.
And I should also note that I’m addressing this video to men because, let’s be honest, of course, I know many women watch pornography, nothing wrong with that. But…
The overwhelming majority of pornography is designed and imagined, distributed and consumed, by men for men.
It is what it is, right? It’s mostly guys watching porn. And just for the last time, this isn’t a moralistic argument. I’m a libertarian. I believe in individual freedom, personal liberty, and all that good stuff. I’m not trying to say you can never watch porn ever.
But I think for men who are struggling with retroactive jealousy, it’s a serious mistake.
And here is the first and biggest reason why I think male retroactive jealousy sufferers should stop watching porn: it’s filled, obviously, with graphic sexual imagery. Now, one of the primary symptoms of retroactive jealousy OCD is graphic sexual images; in particular, what I call “mental movies” where you’re having all these crazy movies in your head with all kinds of graphic sexual details concerning your girlfriend’s past or wife’s past sex life that you can’t seem to forget about. You probably know what I’m talking about if you’re a male, retroactive jealousy sufferer, or sometimes if you’re a female retroactive jealousy sufferer.
Feeling STUCK With Retroactive Jealousy? Try These 4 Steps
In today’s video, I’m going to talk about how to overcome the biggest roadblock on the path to total freedom from retroactive jealousy.
Read on or watch below if you feel stuck with retroactive jealousy and want to overcome the biggest roadblock to freedom.
Zachary Stockill: I put out polls regularly on my YouTube community feed, asking for feedback, asking for opinions and insights. And not long ago, I posted a polk on my channel. And the results of this poll truly shocked me.
The question was: “Do you consider yourself a victim of retroactive jealousy?” Last time I checked, the response was something like 75% “yes.” Around three-quarters of people who responded to this poll said “yes, I feel like a victim of retroactive jealousy.” Now, you may have a very different interpretation of the word victim than I do. I generally have a negative association with the word victim. I believe thinking like a victim is extremely dangerous.
In today’s video, I’m going to share four steps to stop thinking like a victim. Even if you think you don’t need this video, I think this could be extremely important for any retroactive jealousy sufferer.
So the first step to stop thinking like a victim is deceptively simple, or at least it appears simple on the surface, but it’s actually pretty deep and complicated. The first step is simply to ask yourself,
What do I gain by continuing to feel like a victim? By continuing to think like a victim? What am I getting out of this mindset?
What are some benefits of thinking like a victim? Now, you may hear me say that and want to throw your phone across the room and call me names and send me nasty emails and all the rest. I don’t care.
Human beings are motivated by incentives, right? We’re incentivized to make certain choices, to adopt certain perspectives, to adopt certain ideologies… Often ideologies and perspectives that don’t actually serve us, aren’t going to get us where we actually want to go. And your beliefs, even some of your limiting beliefs, even some of your unhelpful beliefs are serving some kind of purpose in your life. There’s a reason you’re believing these things. There’s a reason you’re adopting certain perspectives.
And people with a victim mentality gain a certain comfort from feeling like a victim.
Because when you feel powerless, it gives you an excuse to not do anything, to not take action.
It gives you an excuse to throw up your hands and say, “These are the cards I’ve been dealt, I can’t do anything about this. I’m powerless. So I guess I just have to make the best with what I have.” That kind of thing. This is just one example.
But there are many benefits that thinking like the victim is offering in your life. So try to really focus. You can journal, you can go off and meditate, and really think about this question. What am I gaining by engaging in this behavior that clearly isn’t helping me? By engaging in this behavior that clearly isn’t going to get me to my intended destination?
A quick note on that. If you’re a retroactive jealousy sufferer, hopefully, your intended destination is freedom from retroactive jealo...
The ONLY Effective Formula for Long-Term Relief from Retroactive Jealousy
In today’s video, I’m going to share the number one formula for relief from retroactive jealousy. It can work much quicker than you think.
Read or watch below to discover how to get long-term relief from retroactive jealousy.
Zachary Stockill: Recently I have been accused of presenting too many lofty philosophical ideas on this channel. Taking the 5000-foot view rather than getting a little more practical. One of the main reasons I’m still so interested in this topic of retroactive jealousy is because it opens up so many potential avenues for discovery and exploration and self-inquiry and all the rest. That said, I know it can be helpful sometimes to simplify and condense big ideas into easily digestible smaller formats.
So in today’s video, I’m going to share with you the number one formula for beating retroactive jealousy. If you can nail this formula, you’re going to get relief from retroactive jealousy so much quicker than you would ever think possible. I’ve done a hell of a lot of thinking on retroactive jealousy over the past 10 years. I sort of stumbled on this mental framework recently, and I think it’s important. So I want to share with you, today, the number one formula for beating retroactive jealousy.
The number one formula for overcoming retroactive jealousy, in my opinion, is as follows, “relentless self-discipline + new habits x time = peace; freedom for retroactive jealousy.” Let me say that one more time, and then I’ll break it down:
Relentless self-discipline plus new habits multiplied by time equals peace.
So let me break this formula down step by step. Number one, you’ve probably heard this term before, you’ve probably heard me use this term, relentless self-discipline. You can sign up for all the one on one coaching in the world, you can take all the online courses in the world, you can hire personal trainers, you can do whatever you need to do… You can spend thousands of dollars on other people helping you solve any problem in life, whether it’s related to fitness, or personal development, or therapy, or whatever.
But at the end of the day, there really is no substitute for relentless self-discipline, self-control. They say, “character is what you do when no one’s watching.” Self-discipline is what you do when no one’s watching.
In other words, I can lay out all of the steps, the proven step-by-step program that works. You can read literally dozens of testimonials and success stories on my website. At this point, we know what works, and we know what doesn’t. And when you try to go against what we know works, you’re going to fail and stumble again and again.
I know it’s not a very sexy message, but ultimately, it’s on you to be accountable, to be self-disciplined.
I know that’s not a very appealing message. And I know the internet marketers would never want to say something like that. But I don’t care because it’s the truth.
If someone’s offering you a five-minute hack to beat retroactive ...
Retroactive Jealousy LIES: Believe These At Your Peril
In today’s video, I’m going to talk about what I believe to be the top-4 biggest retroactive jealousy lies and misconceptions.
Read or watch below to discover the biggest retroactive jealousy lies.
Zachary Stockill: There are a lot of misconceptions out there about retroactive jealousy. I think there’s a certain type of person who finds this term retroactive jealousy, and they don’t do a lot of further digging, they don’t do a lot of further research. They don’t do a lot of further introspection. They take this term, they run away with it. And they use a self-diagnosis of retroactive jealousy as an excuse to adopt some pretty destructive, counterproductive beliefs and habits. And if you buy into any of these four misconceptions about retroactive jealousy, there’s a very, very good chance that you’re never going to heal. That you’re never going to move on from retroactive jealousy, you’re always going to be dealing with this in some form or another.
So in today’s video, I’m going to share what I believe to be the top four misconceptions about retroactive jealousy.
The first and possibly most popular and most damaging and detrimental misconception about retroactive jealousy is that a diagnosis of retroactive jealousy means “I’m a victim,” means “I can adopt a victim mentality. I found this term retroactive jealousy. So it is what it is, I’m a victim, and there’s nothing I can do about it. This is who I am, this is my diagnosis, and I can’t change it. That’s it.” And of course, I hope if you’ve been watching my channel for any length of time, you know that’s nonsense, right?
The fact that you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy does not mean that you’re defined by this problem, does not mean that you’re destined to live with this problem forever.
And furthermore, are you going to let this problem, let this challenge define you? Or alternatively, are you going to define your response to this challenge? The choice truly is yours. And if you want a different way of framing this whole issue, this whole question of victimization, victim mentality: Do you want to be a victim? Or do you want to be a survivor? Do you want to be passive? Or do you want to be proactive? Do you want to be active? Or do you want to be reactive? Do you want to make decisions? Or do you want life to just come at you, and you have to deal with the consequences? I’m being firm here. I’m being harsh, but I’m doing this for a reason.
Because I see this happening all the time. And I’ve been seeing this happening for almost 10 years now, of working on this issue, people who define themselves as a victim, they just say, “I’ve been dealing with this for so long, there’s no hope. There’s no hope of change, nothing can happen.” And if that sounds like you, if you identify with being a victim, you just think hope is lost…
Two questions for you. Number one, do you really want to overcome this problem? Now, some of you watching this, you’re going to throw your phone across the room, you’re going to unsubscribe to my channel, you’re going to send me a nasty email. Anyway, you’re going to have a strong response to that question.
The PERFECT Quote About "The Red Pill" Online Men's Movement
In today’s video, I wanted to share the best quote about the “Red Pill” online men’s movement that I’ve ever heard.
Read or watch to hear the quote that could change your relationship with the red pill.
Zachary Stockill: I recorded a few videos recently on a segment of the Internet called the “Red Pill,” which basically features a lot of guys trying to figure out their sexual issues, their issues in relationships, their relationships with women, and trying to better themselves. It’s a pretty controversial little part of the internet.
And if you’ve been flirting with the Red Pill, I think this could be thought-provoking.
There is an American political commentator who I really get a kick out of, with a lot of fascinating views. His name is Michael Malice. And I was watching a podcast, I think it was Lex Fridman’s podcast, which is excellent, by the way. Anyway, I was watching his appearance on that podcast, and he summed up his thoughts on the Red Pill in relation to politics. So this term, this phraseology the red pill, is also used in relation to politics. In other words, seeing politics through a completely different lens. And the quote about the Red Pill was:
“You take one red pill, not the whole bottle.”
There are a lot of guys on the internet, who are in a lot of pain. And I can certainly understand what it’s like to be a man and to be in pain, and to feel disappointed and hurt by women.
And so a lot of these guys find the Red Pill, they find contrary and alternative ways of looking at relationships, sex and women, dating, and all the rest, and many of them find some good ideas in that section of the internet. I have found some good ideas in that section of the internet ideas that used to not be that controversial ideas, like: there can be a beautiful side to masculinity. It is not all toxic. Women like strong men, women like leaders, and evolutionary psychology can offer us all kinds of insights into male-female relations. These are just a handful of good ideas…
But there are a lot of good ideas in the Red Pill that are actually helpful to men. Because, frankly, a lot of men need to man up. A lot of men need to be the men that their women need them to be. A lot of men need to shrug off and reject a lot of the nonsense social programming and cultural influences that tried to discourage them from owning their masculine impulses, that tried to discourage them from becoming better men. I agree with so much of that.
Men taking pleasure in other people’s pain
But there are also a lot of bad ideas and personalities, and a certain Schadenfreude, I think, in the Red Pill. Schadenfreude is a German word. Basically, it means taking pleasure in other people’s pain.
And there are a lot of angry, spiteful men who are lashing out at women, taking pleasure in female pain. And that part of the Red Pill, I can’t identify with at all. My point is:
Like anything else in life, take the good ideas and leave the rest.
Because the whole idea of the Red Pill is seductive in a lot of ways.
A lot of people really liked the idea of belonging to a “secret club,” where they have all the secret answers about politics and the Illuminati and men and women and sexual dynamics…
How to Spot "Red Flags:" 2 Lessons from Johnny Depp
In today’s video, I wanted to comment on a current news story: the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard trial, and understand how to spot red flags in dating and relationships.
Read or watch below to see how to spot red flags.
Zachary Stockill: In today’s video, I’m going to do something that you probably haven’t seen me do very often on this channel, something I’ve rarely done if ever, and that’s comment on a current news story, something that’s been making headlines lately all over the news. Specifically, the defamation case going on between Johnny Depp and his ex-wife Amber Heard.
I think there are some important lessons in this case that we can all learn from.
In today’s video, I’d like to share two of them. And in sharing this video and talking about this case, in no way am I trying to dunk on Johnny Depp, or I’m trying to dunk on Amber Heard, or disrespect anyone. Not really what I’m interested in. I’m sharing this because just this morning, I was watching some of Johnny Depp’s testimony, in this case, talking about his relationship with his ex-wife.
And I’ve always liked Johnny Depp, I’ve always been a fan of his work. I’m a big fan of “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” and some of his other films. And it’s really sad, actually, to watch this case unfold. To hear about this relationship unraveling in real-time, regardless of who you think is right or wrong, or whether you believe the allegations made against Johnny Depp, or you don’t, that’s not really what I’m going to talk about today.
I’d like to share a couple of lessons that Johnny Depp learned, unfortunately, the hard way, in his relationship with Amber Heard. I was watching Johnny Depp’s testimony this morning, and his lawyer asked him to describe the early days of his relationship with Miss Heard. “How did you feel about her? What was your impression of her? How did you feel generally about the relationship?” The thing that jumped out to me watching his testimony was that
He kept using one word again, and again, using it several times. And that word was “perfect“.
He said things like “I thought she was perfect, or she seemed perfect for me.” Or “she seemed like a perfect woman.” I forget his exact words. But he used the word perfect several times.
The big lesson here is don’t idealize anyone. Don’t idealize your date, don’t idealize your girlfriend, don’t idealize some woman or some guy or whoever, that you just met. And don’t idealize a relationship, or even YouTubers or celebrities. But for our purposes, let’s stick to the context of relationships.
So my bread and butter is working on the issue of jealousy. As you probably know, retroactive jealousy, obsessive jealousy, that kind of thing. And I see this issue of idealization come up again and again, where in particular, a lot of men meet an incredible woman, they fall head over heels in love. On some level, they’ve start idealizing their wife or girlfriend, putting them up on this pedestal…
On some level thinking they can do no wrong. And then they learn the truth.
Then they learn some detail about their girlfriend or their a href="https://ww...
This guy spends a large amount of time doing apologetics for lying spouses.
Sure, recovering from jealousy is a good thing. But justifying LYING by the spouse about their past crosses the line. There is no excuse for dishonesty in a marriage but this guy is completely fine with it. One star.