300 episodes

Zachary Stockill is an award-winning Canadian researcher, author, YouTuber, and podcaster. His work has been featured by BBC News, BBC Radio 4, HuffPost, The Art of Charm, and many other popular podcasts and publications. Zachary has been acknowledged as a leading authority on dealing with jealousy in relationships. In 2013, he published the guidebook Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy: A Guide to Getting Over Your Partner's Past and Finding Peace, and founded RetroactiveJealousy.com, the most visited site on the internet concerning retroactive jealousy. He is also the creator and host of "Get Over Your Partner's Past Fast" and "The Overcoming Jealousy Blueprint," online video courses in personal development available via RetroactiveJealousy.com. He is also the creator and host of Humans in Love: A Podcast for Curious People, available worldwide via Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and more. Follow Zachary on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram @zfstockill. To learn more about Zachary's online courses, books, and one-on-one coaching, please visit RetroactiveJealousy.com.

The Zachary Stockill Podcast Zachary Stockill

    • Education
    • 4.5 • 12 Ratings

Zachary Stockill is an award-winning Canadian researcher, author, YouTuber, and podcaster. His work has been featured by BBC News, BBC Radio 4, HuffPost, The Art of Charm, and many other popular podcasts and publications. Zachary has been acknowledged as a leading authority on dealing with jealousy in relationships. In 2013, he published the guidebook Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy: A Guide to Getting Over Your Partner's Past and Finding Peace, and founded RetroactiveJealousy.com, the most visited site on the internet concerning retroactive jealousy. He is also the creator and host of "Get Over Your Partner's Past Fast" and "The Overcoming Jealousy Blueprint," online video courses in personal development available via RetroactiveJealousy.com. He is also the creator and host of Humans in Love: A Podcast for Curious People, available worldwide via Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and more. Follow Zachary on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram @zfstockill. To learn more about Zachary's online courses, books, and one-on-one coaching, please visit RetroactiveJealousy.com.

    How To Build Trust In A Relationship: Listen to This

    How To Build Trust In A Relationship: Listen to This

    In today’s video, I want to talk about how to build trust in a relationship. I’ll share my perspective on this important topic and offer some suggestions based on my own experience.







    Read or watch below to learn more about how to build trust in a relationship.



















     Zachary Stockill: I am a person who speaks publicly about jealousy and possessiveness in relationships and dating, and thus, I’m often approached by people who ask me:







    “How do I build trust with my partner? How can I let myself trust anyone in my relationship? And how to build trust in a relationship?”







    This has been a challenge of mine in my life, and thus, I feel like I have some wisdom to offer, hopefully. So, in today’s video, I’m going to talk about how to build trust in a relationship.







    There are a lot of opinions out there when it comes to how to build trust in a relationship.







    Trust comes very easily to some people. Some people seem to be born with some open heart, where they find it very easy to give people the benefit of the doubt. To let themselves love and be loved.







    I’ll state, in the interest of full disclosure, that is not me. For whatever reason, I approach trust-building a little differently. 







    So, number one, the most important component in trust building for me is time.







    My trust in someone increases over time: the more data and evidence I receive, the more I trust a person.







    As an example, my current girlfriend and I have been together for about three years…















    I met her, she’s wonderful, and I trusted her, to a large extent, very, very early on.







    But I’ll tell you: I trust her more now than I did a year, two years, and certainly three years ago. It’s something that has built over time because I have way more data and evidence that I can trust her.







    So, the most important component in trust for me is time. As I often say, giving people enough time to show you who they are. Because if you give someone enough time, eventually, they will have no other choice, no other option, but to show you who they truly are. 







    At the same time, it’s mostly about looking for patterns rather than perfection.







    This is something I say all the time.



















    People will have moments of betraying your trust, even just slightly, in subtle ways. Sometimes, people will make mistakes the same way we all do. People will have moments where they do not show their best selves…







    But I’m far more interested in the overall patterns that make these people who they are over long stretches of time.







    So if they have a general pattern that is consistent over time–of showing up for me, of proving to me with their actions and not their words that I can actually trust them, of having my back when I really need it, of demonstrating a relatively consistent pattern of behavior…







    I’m going to trust that way more than a one-off event. Some terrible fight we had one night two years ago, for example…







    I’m going to judge them based on their patterns rather than looking for some unattainable standard of perf...

    • 6 min
    Your Vision For The Future: Ask Yourself THIS Question

    Your Vision For The Future: Ask Yourself THIS Question

    In today’s video, I’m going to share a crucial question that I think every retroactive jealousy sufferer should ask themselves.







    Read or watch below to learn more about putting together your vision for the future.



















    Zachary Stockill: When you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy, it’s all too easy to get completely consumed by the past. This is why it’s so important to have a clear idea and a clear vision of an ideal future.







    This is the subject of today’s video. I’m going to share a crucial question that I think every retroactive jealousy sufferer should ask themselves. 







    For the people who are new to my channel and new to my work: the term retroactive jealousy refers to unwanted intrusive thoughts, often obsessive curiosity, and what I call “mental movies” about your partner’s past relationships and/or sexual or dating history.







    It’s an absolute nightmare. 







    And it can result in people becoming totally fixated on the past. Often, they wake up, and they go to sleep, fixated on their partner’s past. A







    nd sometimes, they’re also fixated on their own past. Maybe opportunities they feel they missed out on, or whatever.







    And when you’re struggling with this bizarre issue that we call retroactive jealousy, it’s absolutely crucial to think about exactly where you want to go and who you want to be moving forward into the future. What will be your vision for the future?







    This is why I believe every single retroactive jealousy sufferer should ask themselves this question:







    If I do what I know I need to do, where could I be a year from now?















    I recorded a video recently discussing the differences between positive and negative motivation. Negative motivation is mostly focused on what’s the worst that could happen. What could I lose as a result of X? 







    Positive motivation is the flip side, which basically says, what could I gain if I do X? So naturally, the question that I just posed to you is more related to positive motivation. And I like this question for a couple of reasons. 







    Number one, what I know I need to do. Most people are fairly self-aware, especially if they’re struggling with a problem like retroactive jealousy. If you are struggling with a problem, like retroactive jealousy, you’re probably making certain mistakes. And you probably realize, at the same time, that you’re making certain mistakes, and thus, you probably have some idea of what you know you should be doing. 







    So, the second part of this question relates to the timeframe that we’re talking about. Where could I be a year from now if I do what I know I need to do?







    A year sounds like a long time. I’m in my mid-30s now, and it seems like every year keeps getting shorter. 







    A year isn’t as much time as we may imagine it to be. And at the same time a year is enough time to make real, lasting change.







    Profound changes can be possible; changes in your physique, perhaps changes in your psychology, changes in your relationship,

    • 6 min
    “Is Dating For Western Men Getting WORSE??” Q & A

    “Is Dating For Western Men Getting WORSE??” Q & A

    In today’s video, I’m going to tell you why it’s a great time for men in the West to be dating.







    Read or watch below to hear my response to a common question: “Is dating for Western men getting worse?”



















    Zachary Stockill: Over 10 years of coaching, I’ve worked with a lot of men of various age ranges in many Western countries. And a lot of men in Western countries have pessimistic feelings about the modern dating scene. They think that it is now a terrible time for men to be dating, which I call nonsense. I don’t think that’s the case at all. 







    In fact, I think it’s a great time for men in the West to be dating. And in today’s video, I’m going to tell you why. 







    So as I said, at the beginning of this video, I think it’s a great time for men, in particular Western men, to be dating for a few reasons.







    Number one, there’s no nice way to say this… 







    So I’ll just say it: the competition is virtually non-existent. 







    Don’t buy into the social media algorithm lies that tell you that every guy out there is just killing it with women. And “If I’m not super handsome with a six-pack and an eight-figure bank account, I’m not going to get a date…” It’s absolute nonsense. 







    But when I talk about the competition, I’m not even necessarily talking about the economic competition, or the looks competition, or anything like that.







    And I don’t know a politically correct way to say this. So I’ll just say it:







    I have been living in Asia for the past 10 years, roughly. And beyond that, I’ve lived in various countries in South America and Asia. 







    So I’m from Canada, but I haven’t actually lived in Canada for a long time. But of course, I go back to visit and I visit the United States, and I go to Europe sometimes. So I have some handle on what’s happening there…







    It seems to me that, in the West, testosterone is in short supply. 







    There is a dearth of men out there, at least in my perception, who are ambitious, who know how to hold a good conversation, who enjoy the dance of sexual polarity between masculine and feminine…







    Men who take care of their bodies, at least to some extent…







    Of course, these men exist, but it seems to me they get fewer and fewer in number every time I go back to the West. 



















    So what does that mean about the modern dating market?







    It means if you are a guy with your act together–if you’re ambitious, if you know how to charm a woman a little bit, if you’re a decent conversationalist, if you’re interested in her, and if you ask good questions, if you want to discover your purpose, and try to live true to that, if you have any kind of physical hobbies –that automatically puts you ahead of between 90 and 95% of guys out there.







    I’m not kidding, 







    I see so many guys in the West who don’t even buy clothes that fit, they don’t take care of themselves physically at all. They don’t seem to be ambitious in any real way. 







    a href="http://www.retroactivejealousy.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/pexels-becerra-govea-photo-5760479.

    • 6 min
    Difficult Moments with Retroactive Jealousy: Try THIS

    Difficult Moments with Retroactive Jealousy: Try THIS

    In today’s video, I’m going to share a technique that’s going to help you power through difficult moments with retroactive jealousy.







    Read or watch below to learn more about how to deal with difficult moments with retroactive jealousy.



















    Zachary Stockill: If you clicked to watch this video today, chances are good you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy. And if you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy, chances are good that it’s bad a lot of the time, but it isn’t necessarily debilitating 100% of the time. 







    In today’s brief video, I’m going to share a technique that you can use that is going to help you power through those difficult moments. It is going to give you the best possible chance to put retroactive jealousy behind you for good as soon as possible. 







    For the people who are watching my channel for the first time: the term retroactive jealousy refers to unwanted intrusive thoughts, often obsessive curiosity, and what I call “mental movies” about your partner’s past relationships and/or dating or sexual history.







    And when you struggle with retroactive jealousy at the extreme end of things, which was certainly true for me…







    It can often feel like your entire life is consumed by painful, unwanted intrusive thoughts about your partner’s past. 















    But even if you’re at the extreme end of things, there’s a good chance that you experience fleeting moments of clarity. Certain moments when you’re feeling calm, you’re feeling grounded, and you see things a little more clearly. There’s a good chance that you have at least some of these moments.







    If you are struggling with retroactive jealousy at the extreme end of things: it’s time to try something different. Now, I’m not necessarily telling you what that “different” should look like. But I’m reminded of that famous expression, “If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to keep getting what you’re getting.”







    It’s time to try something new. 







    Maybe that involves signing up for a program like mine, or someone else’s. Maybe that involves signing up for one-on-one coaching with me or someone else. Or maybe that involves booking a therapy session and finding a good therapist in your area. Whatever that looks like for you, it’s time to try something new. 



















    But anyway, back to the subject of today’s video:







    So you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy at the extreme end of things. But you probably have fleeting moments of clarity. And the exercise that I wanted to recommend in today’s video is pretty simple…







    If you do have one of those moments of clarity, even if it’s just an hour or so, the first step is to find a quiet place where you can be alone. 







    So go to a coffee shop or find a room in your house where no one’s going to disturb you. Find a place where you can be alone and relatively undisturbed....

    • 6 min
    Retroactive Jealousy Tip: Consider THIS

    Retroactive Jealousy Tip: Consider THIS

    In today’s video, I’m going to share a little retroactive jealousy tip that you’ve almost certainly never considered before.







    Read or watch below to discover a new retroactive jealousy tip.



















    Zachary Stockill: At this point, after 10 years of working on the topic of retroactive jealousy, every time I think that I’ve covered it all in videos, I always can think of another idea, thankfully.







    In today’s video, I’m going to share a little retroactive jealousy tip which you’ve never heard me talk about before. But this is really important in the context of overcoming retroactive jealousy.







    Okay, so a retroactive jealousy tip, which I haven’t talked about on this channel before. One thing I have talked about on this channel before is…







    The importance of paying attention to your body in the context of struggling with retroactive jealousy.



















    Paying attention to the way your body reacts when you encounter a retroactive jealousy trigger… Taking deliberate steps to relax your body to breathe deeply, and to do things like that when you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy.







    Don’t neglect the physical component of this issue because the physical component of this issue is relatively easy to address. Or at least it’s easier to address than a lot of the psychological stuff. Don’t neglect the physical component of retroactive jealousy.







    By the way, for the people here for the first time:







    The term “retroactive jealousy” refers to unwanted intrusive thoughts, often obsessive curiosity, and what I call “mental movies” about your partner’s past relationships and/or sexual history.







    When you encounter a retroactive jealousy trigger, when you’re wracked with painful, unwanted intrusive thoughts, your body is doing things. Now, it might take you some time and attention to realize what your body is doing.















    But I guarantee you’re having some kind of a physical reaction when you’re in an animated state as a result of retroactive jealousy.







    This can involve things like breathing very shallow. A lot of people do this. I certainly did this back when I was struggling with retroactive jealousy, although it took me a while to realize it.







    When I was struggling with unwanted intrusive thoughts about my girlfriend’s past, all of a sudden, I’d be breathing very shallow…







    I wasn’t filling my entire lungs up with air. I wasn’t breathing slowly, calmly, deliberately, and deeply.







    And as a result, or at least as a partial result, my anxiety increased. I was feeling more anxious. I was feeling more tense. And I was feeling more edgy as a result of the simple fact that my body wasn’t getting enough oxygen.



















    Another example, which I’ve mentioned before: I realized that my shoulders were starting to get a bit tight. When I’d encounter a retroactive jealousy trigger. When I was pestering my then-girlfriend with questions about her past when I couldn’t sleep at night.

    • 8 min
    Living True To Your Standards Without Anger or Bitterness

    Living True To Your Standards Without Anger or Bitterness

    In today’s video, I’m going to talk about living true to your dating standards without anger and bitterness.







    Read or watch below to learn more about living true to your standards and having a good time along the way.



















    Zachary Stockill: Over ten years of dating and relationship coaching have taught me something interesting…







    My experience has taught me that a lot of people, a lot of men in particular, bring a lot of anger into their dating lives.







    A lot of men have very high standards for dating, and that’s completely okay. In fact, I encourage people to have high standards. However, at the same time, a lot of these same men also bring a lot of anger into their search for “the perfect woman.”







    In today’s video, I’m going to talk about living true to your dating standards without anger.







    So how can you be living true to your dating standards without anger?







    Number one, just to reiterate this point, because it’s so important: I think it’s very important to have high standards. I think it’s very important to be extremely choosy when it comes to who you invite into your life on a long-term basis.







    They’ve done endless research on this, and it’s crystal clear that your choice of a long-term mate is the most consequential decision you will ever make. It factors more in your happiness than where you live, what your job is, how much money you make, et cetera, et cetera.







    Who to spend a life with is the most consequential decision any of us will ever make.







    So I think it’s more than just important; I think it’s actually essential to be extremely choosy.







    By the way, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having high standards and having certain non-negotiables when it comes to who you bring into your long-term dating life.







    If you have a list of qualities that you’re looking for in someone, and they’re extremely well-thought-out, and you feel strongly about them, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with trying to discover early on whether the people you’re dating match these qualities.







    Don’t make any long-term commitment to anyone without giving them sufficient time to show you who they truly are.















    As I often say, if you give someone enough time to show you who they are, eventually they will. Because no one can maintain a poker face for six months, a year, two years, et cetera. Eventually, they’re going to show their hand.







    So, I think, It’s very important to give whoever you’re considering inviting into your life on a long-term basis enough time to show you who they are.







    So, finally: how to be living true to your dating standards without being angry or disappointed along the way?



















    Number one, I think: forget about any kind of search for “perfection.”







    I think there is no worse word that you can bring into your dating life than the quest for “perfection.” I think you should resist the temptation to idealize anyone,

    • 8 min

Customer Reviews

4.5 out of 5
12 Ratings

12 Ratings

vox.mollis ,

Lying Apologetics

This guy spends a large amount of time doing apologetics for lying spouses.

Sure, recovering from jealousy is a good thing. But justifying LYING by the spouse about their past crosses the line. There is no excuse for dishonesty in a marriage but this guy is completely fine with it. One star.

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