Tiger Resilience Addiction Solutions for Reaching Human Potential Bernie Tiger

Join the conversation with Matt Paknis as he shares his experience, strength, and hope regarding interpersonal skills, communication, and overcoming adversity. Matt discusses his strategies and the tools he uses for the art of communication and developing healthy relationships.

Matt Paknis is a Workplace Bullying Expert Whose Leadership Programs Help Organizations Thrive.

He is the author of – “Successful Leaders Aren't Bullies: How to Stop Abuse at Work and Build Exceptional Organizations.”

Matt Paknis provides leadership, management, and organizational development programs and one on one coaching to organizations worldwide. Matt draws from his exceptional athletic, educational, and professional experiences, his interventions are engaging, beneficial, and measured to track impact.

Matt’s Book: https://smile.amazon.com/Successful-Leaders-Arent-Bullies-Organizations/dp/1682617173/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1534343539&sr=8-1&keywords=matt+paknis

Matt’s Website: http://mattpaknis.com

Matt’s LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/mattpaknis/ 

The great question has always been, how does someone end up with an addiction? What propelled somebody to become addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, or food. Factors can include genetics or something external like childhood trauma or the way somebody was brought up. So, this begs the question once again - is it nature or nurture?

The answer is much more complicated, as both nature and nurture influence, and our choice determines the outcome.

One of the most common factors involved in addiction is that there has always been some trauma in the individual's life. Many families argue that a child growing up has a great life. Still, we are unaware of outside influences that could have created trauma, such as bullying, sexual assault, and physical beatings that never get reported to a parent.

A fundamental belief here is that stressful environments induce stress, which affects people and their behavior.

In addition, individuals who associate with others who abuse alcohol or drugs are more likely to engage in that behavior. And as the use around a person ebbs and flows in quantity and variety, so does their behavior.

However, there are numerous additional environmental influences beyond friends. Parental influence, cultural norms, media representation, and learned physical associations are also environmental factors that contribute to addiction. 

Environmental factors that influence addiction 

Family dynamics and interactions. One of the most substantial external factors influencing addictive behavior is early life experiences. Family interactions, parenting styles, and levels of supervision play a pivotal role in the development of later mental health difficulties, including substance use. We develop strategies to cope with stress in our early years of life. When these strategies are maladaptive (due to a need to survive in the face of adversity), they can lead to risky or self-destructive behaviors. This means that in adolescence or adulthood, these internal triggers are activated by external factors. Authoritarian and avoidant parenting, exposure to physical/emotional/sexual abuse, and divorce have all been associated with an increased likelihood of substance use problems later in life. 

Peer groups. When an individual's social interactions rely heavily on associating with individuals who display potential alcohol or drug problems, it can be challenging to exorcise yourself from similarly displaying such problematic behaviors. The sense of belonging and feeling connected to like-minded people is a substantial factor in maintaining addiction. Friends' habits and behavior patterns will invariably affect everyone in the group as they experience peer pressure. Research has shown that individuals with more permissive and less critical views of drug use are more likely to engage in such use (obviously). Further, earlier use and exposure are typically associated with more likelihood of later problems. 

Social media. While social media has many social benefits, there are also many social downfalls. When an individual struggling with emotional problems sees other people online who appear happy, attractive and enjoying life, it can make them feel further socially isolated, damage their self-esteem, and exacerbate feelings of shame. There is growing evidence that increased social media use can worsen the mental health struggles of those already susceptible to them. Unfortunately, it is doubtful that this trend will shift soon. However, several groups and influencers are beginning to rise who put their imperfections and difficulties front and center to fight stigma and shame. 

Published media. Other media avenues such as video games, movies, and television shows influence people's behaviors. From displays of substance use and other behavior that border (or cross into) glorification to the fantasy creation of unrealistic goals and wishes, media portrayal of relationships, violence, sex, and more can encourage younger vie

The Four Agreements based on Principles

Principle: a fundamental truth or proposition that serves as the foundation for a system of belief or behavior or for a chain of reasoning.

The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom is a self-help book by Don Miguel Ruiz. It emphasizes personal understanding and happiness based on ancient Toltec philosophy. Let’s investigate the major points of this exceptional book.

#1 Agreement 1: Be Impeccable with Your Word This first agreement describes the need to take responsibility for your own actions and to focus on speaking with integrity and choosing your words carefully. It emphasizes a more old-school look at the word “impeccable”, which means “without sin”. In other words, what you say and do should not go against yourself and should always be done with personal integrity.

#2 Agreement 2: Don’t Take Anything Personally This agreement emphasizes the need to have a strong sense of your own self rather than relying on the opinions of others. The latter frame of mind opens you up to significant disappointment and hurt, particularly as it is impossible to please everybody, and personal disagreements are inevitable. Once you stop taking things personally, Ruiz believes that negative feelings will also lessen or dissipate.

#3 Agreement 3: Don’t Make Assumptions Ruiz highlights the importance of stopping yourself from assuming what others are thinking. Instead, asking questions and working to ensure that communication between yourself and another individual is clear are much better pathways for forging relationships. Making assumptions reveals internal biases and can easily create interpersonal conflict.

#4 Agreement 4: Always Do Your Best This agreement focuses on uniting the previous three and emphasizes the idea that doing your best means that you will not negatively judge yourself even if you fail. Ruiz claims that doing one’s best is the greatest antidote to regret and will often lead to success even in the face of great diversity.

Tiger Resilience podcast series

Episode 10 is a phone discussion with Karen, who shares her incredibly traumatic story of the loss of her daughter because of opioid addiction and overdose. Karen offers her insight into the challenges and her present successes in getting the message out and being the voice for her daughter Jenna. Links available in this podcast for Karen's information include two books that share Jenna's story. Karen is open and discusses her perspective as a parent and someone who did not know anything about opioid addiction. Karen has been the voice for those who lost their lives due to opioid overdose.

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Tiger Resilience Podcast – EP 9 Family Communication and Addiction: Be Kind By accepting the person with an addiction—even if you don't accept their behavior—you can start to build bridges to forgiveness and their recovery. Avoid Saying This • You should be ashamed of yourself for abusing drugs. Try This Instead • Everyone needs help sometimes. You don't have to be ashamed of your addiction. Educate Yourself on Addiction At the same time, don't assume you know everything about their addiction simply because you do research. Each person with an addiction is a unique individual with their own experience. Avoid Saying This • Why don't you just stop using drugs? You're being selfish. Try This Instead • You are still my friend, and I care for you no matter what. Is there any way I can help? Getting Past Resentment Every situation will depend on many factors including whether the family is able to have open and honest discussion with the person in recovery. Any unspoken problem will destroy healthy family dynamics. Many families struggle with communication and find sweeping things under the rug is much easier than problem-solving and learning how to communicate effectively. This may even be one of the underlying layers to the person with addiction’s experience at home which lent itself to addiction in the first place. Thoughtfully Choose Your Words Avoid Saying This • I can't believe you're a junkie. When are you getting clean? Try This Instead • I'm sorry you're struggling with your addiction. I am here to help support you. Listen More Than You Talk You also don't have to make their addiction the main focus of every conversation you have with them. Avoid Saying This • What are you doing? You're not using again, are you? Why aren't you calling me back? Try This Instead • Hey, do you have any plans this weekend? I would love to grab dinner if you're free. Set Boundaries Avoid Saying This • You're so annoying when you drink. I can't even talk to you when you get like this. Try This Instead • I feel disrespected when we have a conversation after you've been drinking. I think it's best we're both sober when we interact from now on. Believe Them Avoid Saying This • Come on, you can have one drink. It's fine. Try This Instead • I respect that you're not drinking, and I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself. Don't Tell Them What to Do Avoid Saying This • You should just quit cold turkey. It worked for someone else I know. Try This Instead • I want you to feel your best. I can help you research treatment centers or therapists if you'd like. To communicate with a loved one who is living with addiction, start by educating yourself, being aware of the language you use, and setting healthy boundaries. You can support them while also supporting your own well-being. At the end of the day, you want to let them know you care about them and will support them in any way you can. • Focusing on the positive: requesting desired outcomes (“Could you please?”) instead of inviting negative ones (“Make sure you don’t … again”). • Explaining one’s own feelings instead of firing accusations at the other person. • Listening—really listening—as well as talking. • Respecting the other party as a unique individual. Feeling that others are “always trying to force me into their mold” ranks high among relapse triggers. • Showing empathy and genuinely attempting to understand how hard recovery can be: never belittling anyone’s struggles. • Offering daily kind words and compliments, especially when a recovering addict is looking into the face of relapse or near-relapse. Showing ongoing confidence that “You can do it, you’ll make it.” • Timing serious discussions carefully to minimize tension.

Today's podcast focuses on a question posed by a mother, who is working with a daughter struggling with substance use. This mom, will call Keisha, was trying to understand what wisdom is; feeling she made many mistakes - not only with her daughter, but through her life. Keisha was perplexed to understand where do you learn, or gain wisdom from? So, today's podcast is a story on wisdom, followed by breaking down some of the meanings and understanding of what it means to gain wisdom.

Wisdom:

Where do we acquire wisdom? Here is a story that will help explain the answer to that question.

A man decides to undertake a quest to seek all the wisdom of the world. His journey takes him across the earth.

He begins in North America, searching from state to state. Then off to South America, through the great Andes and rainforests.

He finds his way through the outback of Australia, then to the colors of New Zealand. His journey continued through Asia, to the Great Wall of China. Then off to Russia and Europe.

Still, he has not found this wisdom. He travels then to Africa, through the Great Plains and deserts.

He continues up to the Nile, into the Middle East. Crossing over the Dead Sea, he makes his way to India.

While passing through Bangladesh, he stops for some tea at a café. There a waiter tells him about an old monk high up in the Himalayas.

He is told that this monk is sought out by many travelers as they pass through the country. It is believed by some that he has been given the gift of true wisdom.

The man immediately embarks for the Himalayas. He comes to a village at the base of the mountain and finds a Sherpa who will guide him up to the monastery where this old monk resides.

As they are making the climb up the mountain, the man becomes anxious and is filled with impatience. He has traveled the world seeking this wisdom and he knows that he is getting closer. He yells to the Sherpa that they must move faster.

They finally make their way to this small monastery. Upon their arrival the man demands to see this wise old monk.

He has searched the world over and expects to be given that for which he has quested for.

He is brought to the monk’s cabin where the old man is meditating by a fireplace. The weary traveler is introduced as a man who is seeking wisdom.

The monk gets up from his seated position, walks over to the man and embraces him. He is welcomed like a lost brother who has finally come home. After a long embrace, the man asks that his request be honored.

The monk, speaking very softly, asks the man if he is ready to be given such a gift. Without hesitation, the man replies, “yes I am”!

The monk smiles, then explains, “that for which you are seeking has been seeking you”. As you traveled the world, wisdom has been waiting for you. Instead of looking abroad, you only needed to look within yourself. There, in the center of your spirit, you would find all the wisdom of your world.

For a man/person who knows him/themself internally and spiritually, has the wisdom to know the world around him/them!

The answer to wisdom is within us all. Only through reflection of your own personal constitution and principles can you gain wisdom.

Tiger Resilience Podcast Series 4.7.2022