Windhorse Journal Podcast Windhorse Community Services

Dear Listeners,
Welcome to today’s podcast, the conclusion of our five-part series of Julia’s first-person recovery story. By its nature, what’s being told here is certainly unique, as each person’s journey is completely individual. But in this case, the highly unusual nature of our series goes further, as her team—Janneli Chapin, Jack Gipple, and Chuck Knapp—are also sharing their perspective, making this a truly rare opportunity to experience the multifaceted inner workings of a recovery journey.
We had originally planned to have this series end after four segments. However, once we’d finished with the original plan, Julia recognized that there was a bit more we needed to discuss–having to do with looking at recovery altogether—what it meant to her, and its “moving target” nature. This led us into looking at what it took for her to actually want to recover, and the conditions at hand, including luck. There’s a tremendous amount to learn from this series, but probably the most important takeaway is about the power of healthy, honest, and committed therapeutic relationships. Over the arc of their work together, the team helped her to rouse her natural courage to keep stepping back into the wilderness of change, and to eventually tolerate feeling more healthy—and more loved—than she had in a very long time. Julia’s wonder at how she made it out of such entrapment gave rise to so much gratitude and love on her part—actually, on everyone’s part. That in itself will make listening to this podcast well worth the freight—a heart-opening glimpse into the kind of love that can come out of sharing a recovery path.
In wrapping up, let’s come back to Julia’s original inspiration for sharing her story, which is her question: could I be a voice for those still suffering? We didn’t know how this series would play out when we first began, but now that we’re done, I would most emphatically say YES—you, Julia, have been a voice for those still suffering! And most importantly, you’ve offered something to our audience which could be truly lifesaving, what Joanne Greenberg calls “our most prized possession: hope”.
Thank you for making this journey with us,

Hello friends and listeners,
I am so glad that you are here, and I hope that you will enjoy today’s podcast. Hopefully you have had the opportunity to watch the first 3 podcasts.  I was very excited to have been given the opportunity to make these podcasts with Windhorse, and in particular with Jack, Janneli and Chuck.
In 1992 I took a medication that triggered a severe bipolar episode that sent me spiraling into a nightmare that lasted more than 20 years. You can hear about many of my experiences on the first 3 podcasts as Jack, Janneli , Chuck and I discuss our relationships over the first several years that we worked together. In fact, my relationship with my Windhorse team was only a part of a 23-year treatment plan that also included my psychiatrist, Dr. Michael Green.
In many ways, my severe illness—and some of the treatments I was given by the mental health system—made my condition more difficult for me to manage, and without the continuing support of my Windhorse team and Dr. Green, I probably wouldn’t have survived.
I am thrilled to be able to make these podcasts all these years later. It is a real gift for me to look back upon my relationships with Jack and Janneli and see how I was able to rely on their support to help me re-learn life skills, develop coping abilities, and learn to live again as a productive member of society. This was an amazing experience, certainly for me, but hopefully for anyone who wants to bear witness to the strength of the human spirit, and to one’s potential to recover and flourish if given the opportunity, the relationships, the skill and the love. I realize that everyone is different, and I was incredibly lucky. Some people might have every opportunity and still not make the recovery that I was able to achieve. I know that. But I also know that without Jack, Janneli and Dr. Green being the primary figures on my team, I wouldn’t be here today.
Many years ago, in about 2000, I started to write a book, which was also instrumental in helping me to heal. This book, ‘Raging Innocence’ is available online on Amazon, and goes into my life history in much greater detail. I hope if you are interested, you might consider reading it. In my book, as well as on these podcasts, I discussed the many negative and harmful experiences I had while being a patient in several in-patient psychiatric hospitals. The mental health system, while it generally means well, is flawed and needs major re-evaluation and educational input for those workers who get overwhelmed or burned out by contact with severely mentally ill patients.   On several occasions, while hospitalized, I was intensely and unnecessarily traumatized. On occasion, this was intentionally carried out by disgruntled mental health professionals who were unable to deal with my repeated self-mutilation.
It is my hope that this series of podcasts, and my book, will shine a light on the quality of care that is given to mentally ill patients. I am hopeful that the care I was given by my Windhorse team will be an example of what is possible and what should be aspired to. Those relationships are what allowed my fragile mind to recover, gain strength, and soar.
Thank you for listening,
Julia

Dear Listeners,
Welcome to today’s podcast, a first-person recovery story which we believe is a unique contribution to the resources on extreme state psychology—particularly around the phenomenon of cutting. In Part Three of this five-part series, we again join the members of Julia’s long-standing Windhorse team—Janneli Chapin, Jack Gipple, and Chuck Knapp—as they discuss the 12 years of their working together, along with her psychiatrist, Dr. Green.
Today’s dialogue covers a wide and dynamic arc. Beginning with the horror and helplessness of Julia’s former life having almost completely dissolved—still an uncomfortable reality all these years later. But in the depths of this meltdown, aspects of her health began to unmistakably emerge. Ordinary life was becoming more real—always powerful medicine—with checkbooks and keeping house. With this, glimpses of confidence began to flicker into view as she was feeling the uplift of small but sure successes. And Julia was also finding ways for her mind and body to reconnect, which brought forth a surprising array of positive consequences. Finally, as she reflected on this period where her natural sanity was beginning to flourish, Julia summed up the key to her healing: “the most important thing of all: relationship.”
What’s presented here is a beautiful emotional landscape of honesty and love—the kind that only exists in of such a powerful recovery path, especially at this stage. This is a rare glimpse into the working heart of a therapeutic team.
Thank you for joining us

Dear Listeners,
Welcome to today’s podcast. In Part Two of this five-part series, we once again join the four members of Julia’s long-standing Windhorse team as they continue to discuss their stark experiences and the realities of her recovery—particularly as this conversation takes them more vividly into her experiences of cutting. Speaking with unusual directness about the dynamics they experienced with each other and with the larger mental health system, this open-hearted discussion explores the power dynamics that harm and those that heal. Again, they speak about—and most importantly, model—the fundamental source of healing: genuine relationships and the care that held them together on their shared path of healing.
Please be aware that in this discussion, Julia shares details of her cutting that may be uncomfortable to listen to. But we included them as we’re confident that her candor and courage in sharing will create a powerful opportunity to learn more deeply about the state of mind that produced such acts of self-harm.
Thank you for joining us,
Jack Gipple

Welcome to today’s podcast, a first-person recovery story which we believe is a unique contribution to the resources on extreme state psychology—particularly around the phenomenon of cutting.
The arc of our story begins with Julia, who’s lost in a hellish life predicament, feeling “intrinsically ruined”—with no sense of a way out. At this point, pretty much everything she’s known as reliable reference points have been lost, and her confused acts and thoughts are only begetting more confusion and pain. Making matters worse, the trauma that lies at the root of her extremely dangerous cutting and suicidality is being compounded by systemic abuse—even as she’s looking for help. Life has truly become a nightmare, and any hope she once had has evaporated in the heat of her turmoil.

Dear Listeners,
In this podcast, four long-time Windhorse practitioners discuss the 4th (and last) principle of recovery: “No matter how disturbed a mind has become, recovery is possible.” Gabrielle Bershen, Jack Gipple, and I (Marta Aarli) share our insights and experiences of working for over 20 years on Windhorse teams, with host and moderator, Chuck Knapp. The conversation touches on the loss of connection with self, others, and the world—and the unique path each person walks to reclaim and reintegrate those parts of themselves that are innate but covered over by confusion. Each team works to recognize the client’s impulses toward health and support them in synchronizing with themselves through authentic relationships with the team members. This provides an antidote to isolation and loneliness while respecting each client’s choices as they build their confidence and reassemble their life—which can take a very long time. Each person’s recovery will be their own, and it may not look like what others want for them or what society defines as a normal life. Every team is a unique healing environment, a co-creation between a client and their team members. These principles are part of what makes the Windhorse approach so unusual—and the profound, long-term work that is possible in this setting.
We hope what you hear leads to greater understanding and empathy.
Marta Aarli