100 episodes

The Overcoming Betrayal and Addiction podcast, featuring Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami VerHelst, presents a conversational Q&A style discussion drawn from listener questions about sex and porn addictions, infidelity, cheating, and hard work required to heal relationship betrayal. Dr. Rob and Tami are very good at engaging people struggling with painful life issues in a useful, respectful way. They also invite you to join them on their live weekly webinar (Mondays, 5 p.m. Pacific at https://bit.ly/DrRobandTami), where they answer questions live Dr. Rob is Chief Clinical Officer for Seeking integrity Treatment Centers. He is a 25-year licensed therapist, a PhD sexologist, and author Sex Addiction 101, Prodependence, and Out of the Doghouse, among other books. Tami is Chief Relationships Officer for Seeking Integrity LLC. Tami brings over 30 years of personal addiction knowledge, helping supply struggling individuals and couples with the resources and direction they need to heal.

Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction Robert Weiss, PhD, MSW and Tami VerHelst

    • Health & Fitness
    • 4.8 • 25 Ratings

The Overcoming Betrayal and Addiction podcast, featuring Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami VerHelst, presents a conversational Q&A style discussion drawn from listener questions about sex and porn addictions, infidelity, cheating, and hard work required to heal relationship betrayal. Dr. Rob and Tami are very good at engaging people struggling with painful life issues in a useful, respectful way. They also invite you to join them on their live weekly webinar (Mondays, 5 p.m. Pacific at https://bit.ly/DrRobandTami), where they answer questions live Dr. Rob is Chief Clinical Officer for Seeking integrity Treatment Centers. He is a 25-year licensed therapist, a PhD sexologist, and author Sex Addiction 101, Prodependence, and Out of the Doghouse, among other books. Tami is Chief Relationships Officer for Seeking Integrity LLC. Tami brings over 30 years of personal addiction knowledge, helping supply struggling individuals and couples with the resources and direction they need to heal.

    My Therapist Won’t Hold Me Accountable

    My Therapist Won’t Hold Me Accountable

    Dr. Rob and Tami talk about whether a therapist should hold their clients accountable. Dr. Rob had some interesting things to say about this. If you’re an addict expecting to have someone else solve your problems or show up for you, then you’re back to your default ways. It’s time to get proactive!
     
    TAKEAWAYS:
    [:30] Why did it go from pretty good to pretty miserable in my marriage with an addict?
    [6:20] Two months after the discovery and he wants to have sex! He’s also gaslighting me. What should I do?
    [11:25] How do I let go of resentment?
    [16:25] My therapist doesn’t hold me accountable. Should I change therapists?
    [24:00] Whenever my wife brings up topics, it brings her back to the pain of D-day. What can I do to make it better?
     
    RESOURCES:
    Seekingintegrity.com
    Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
    Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
    Intherooms.com
    Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
    Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
    Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
    Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
     

    • 26 min
    What’s the Difference Between Letting Go and Forgiveness?

    What’s the Difference Between Letting Go and Forgiveness?

    Dr. Rob and Tami discuss the difference between letting go and forgiving someone who has deeply hurt and betrayed you. Forgiveness is much like grief and it comes in waves, one day you think you’re doing alright and ready to move on, the next, you’re having a hard time getting up off the floor. If you’re a betrayed spouse, you’re not alone in these feelings. Dr. Rob sheds light on how “letting go” vs. “forgiving” works, in this week’s episode.
     
    TAKEAWAYS:
    [1:00] Why does my husband still have slips?
    [5:20] With his permission, I read my partner’s “Out of the Doghouse” workbook. I’m extremely angry. Should I have done that?
    [11:25] How can I make amends after 18 years of betrayal?
    [18:10] My husband’s SA therapist passed away suddenly. He’s made so much progress in his recovery, I am grief-stricken by this loss. Any advice?
    [24:35] Is letting go different than forgiveness?
     
    RESOURCES:
    Seekingintegrity.com
    Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
    Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
    Intherooms.com
    Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
    Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
    Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
    Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

    • 30 min
    I Broke Her Trust and I Keep Messing Up

    I Broke Her Trust and I Keep Messing Up

    Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a man who is breaking his connection with his spouse. When he and she are in conflict, he can’t seem to find a way to make her feel better, show up for her in her pain, and understand. His lack of empathy is pushing their relationship further and further away and he’s afraid of losing her. Dr. Rob shares how you can build empathy with a betrayed partner, in this week’s episode.
     
    TAKEAWAYS:
    [:30] What’s the best way to find a sponsor?
    [2:45] It’s okay to ask for help. Find someone similar to you who is a little bit ahead of you.
    [4:55] Can EMDR help “cure” me?
    [8:45] How can I hurt my wife less?
    [13:25] How can I build my empathy a little bit more?
    [16:00] My SA keeps bouncing back and forth in wanting to go to recovery. When is enough enough?
    [19:55] Men also get betrayed. There are also women sex addicts. They exist!
    [24:55] Can you do EMDR multiple times?
    [27:00] Just because you’re hurt doesn’t mean you still don’t love them. Your pain doesn’t erase all your other emotions for that person.
    [28:40 Does delusional thinking continue while in recovery?
     
    RESOURCES:
    Seekingintegrity.com
    Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
    Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
    Intherooms.com
    Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
    Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
    Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
    Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

    • 31 min
    You Glorifying Your Addiction Makes Me Trust You Less

    You Glorifying Your Addiction Makes Me Trust You Less

    Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed spouse who is incredibly hurt to find out her partner still believes his acting out activities were worth it. In cases like these, especially when an addict is new to recovery, you have to communicate your hurt feelings and lack of trust in him. It can be painful for anybody to hear this from their partner and they must know that they’re starting back from zero. More on this in this week’s episode.
     
    TAKEAWAYS:
    [:30] What is considered “healthy” masturbation?
    [3:35] You need other people as guides. Community is the most important part of your recovery.
    [6:20] Betrayed spouses, you might unintentionally be de-incentivizing your addict to be honest.
    [7:30] Remember, addicts lie. Double confirm what their therapist said.
    [7:50] Can my husband really be making amends if he thinks those acting-out activities were “worth it”?
    [12:55] How can I help my wife through her triggers when it comes to my infidelity?
    [16:45] My wife has decided to come back. She is still hurt and angry. Can I set boundaries on what she’s saying to me?
    [20:40] We all need healthy boundaries!
    [22:00] My husband refuses to acknowledge my pain and hurt. He gives me the silent treatment instead. Is this abusive?
    [26:45] My husband will not provide formal disclosure and his therapist isn’t pushing it either. What should I do?
     
    RESOURCES:
    Seekingintegrity.com
    Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
    Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
    Intherooms.com
    Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
    Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
    Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
    Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

    • 30 min
    I’ve Been in Recovery for Two Years. Why Are Things Not Back to Normal?

    I’ve Been in Recovery for Two Years. Why Are Things Not Back to Normal?

    Dr. Rob and Tami explain to someone in recovery why their betrayed spouse still feels hurt and angry despite him being in recovery for the last two years. Will things ever go back to normal? The answer is no. Dr. Rob explains that “normal” was not sustainable. You were an addict and you were living a lie! As you go forward in your marriage, you have to embrace a new normal.
     
    TAKEAWAYS:
    [:30] My wife thinks she doesn’t respect herself for coming back and forgiving me. How can I show up for her?
    [6:25] I have shifted my addiction so it’s no longer toxic. Am I technically “cured”?
    [10:55] As an addict, you’re asking the wrong question!
    [11:55] We can’t seem to find a CSAT that we can afford. What can we do?
    [17:05] Mental health is health care and you want the very best you can find.
    [18:55] I want to love him, but how do I take care of myself?
    [24:55] My wife doesn’t believe the recovery has helped. How can I be more consistent?
    [29:35] Are you really listening to her?
     
    RESOURCES:
    Seekingintegrity.com
    Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
    Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
    Intherooms.com
    Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
    Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
    Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
    Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

    • 32 min
    Is He a Chronic Cheater or Is He Just an Addict?

    Is He a Chronic Cheater or Is He Just an Addict?

    Dr. Rob and Tami talk about the difference between being a cheater vs. an addict. If your partner is just out and they’re unable to think about you or have you in mind, they’re immature. The same goes for cheating. The immaturity of cheating is by not having your partner in mind at all when you’re out committing the act. However, with sex addiction, it has nothing to do with immaturity and everything to do with being psychologically broken.
     
    TAKEAWAYS:
    [:30] Are SAs able to compartmentalize or are they just in denial?
    [5:55] I found out my partner has an addiction. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust him again. Is intimacy again even possible?
    [11:30] Tami explains how you don’t need to have sex in order to be intimate.
    [14:10] Don’t give up hope!
    [15:15] Dr. Rob realized that his screen time in his household made it difficult to connect with his partner. Sometimes it takes conscious effort to build connection during the day when there are so many distractions.
    [17:10] What’s the difference between a chronic cheater and a sex addict?
    [19:30] Sex addicts have some deep internal intimacy scars where they separate emotions from the sex.
    [21:15] There are virtual courses you can take to help you keep on your recovery journey. Tami shares what’s on the upcoming curriculum.
    [24:00] Can you develop a sex addiction later in life or did you always have it in you?
    [26:10] Easy access to addiction materials doesn’t make you an automatic addict.
    [30:35] Your sponsor should be where you want to be in the future. He/She should be a role model to you.
     
    RESOURCES:
    Seekingintegrity.com
    Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
    Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
    Intherooms.com
    Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
    Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
    Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
    Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

    • 33 min

Customer Reviews

4.8 out of 5
25 Ratings

25 Ratings

Stronger Today 2021 ,

Informative & Straightforward

As a betrayed spouse, I have scoured for a podcast that I can relate to and that actually speaks to me. This is the first one. I LOVE how straightforward and no-nonsense Dr. Weiss is.

Psych01 ,

Good info

I enjoy listening to both of your podcast very much. I am a psychotherapist licensed in the state of Florida with many certifications in trauma, Anxiety etc. I also hold a Doctorate in Clinical Sexology. I took issue with the idea that only CSAT can help someone who has these sexual issues/betrayal trauma. I am an advanced clinician of many years. I want you to know it’s misinformation to tell someone only CSATS have access to tests. Also, it depends upon region as to who takes insurance. On the west side of Florida where I practice, people are less affluent than the East Coast of Florida andI am sure LA. I have a vast practice. My intention here is not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, but to avail you of the information you need to be more sensitive to those advanced clinicians in this field that are here to help. Thank you

MinimalistGamist ,

Addict Here. Amazing bite size responses!

Dr Rob and Tami really do an amazing job of packing each episode with responses as possible. It’s actually VERY impressive and best of all FREE.

I’ve been listening for a couple years, 18 months recovery. In group, in counseling, do lots of journaling, reflecting, and leaning on others.

Lately I’ve been listening, then I’ll stop for a bit, then I’ll start again. And I’ve finally figured out why….and it’s the reason for 4 stars and on and off listening……

There’s is just a twinge of frustration that I hear from Rob and Tami torwards addicts from time to time.

Owning MY own “stuff” means that it’s very possible I’m hearing something that’s not there.

They obviously understand addicts inside and out. About 1/3 episodes I feel like they talk about addicts like they aren’t in the room.

I’m still going to listen , probably on and off a little. Addicts definitely are to be held accountable to there actions, but I’m not gunna lie when I feel that professionals above all else need to be the ones who should show the most compassion to addicts…..they understand why we do things more than anybody.

All that said. I give rob and tami all the respect they deserve. They cram a massive about of free resources in a little bit of time.

No hate, just honesty.

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