Sex, Love, and Addiction Robert Weiss, PhD, MSW

Dr. Ken M. Adams began his professional career in 1981 treating children, adolescents, and their families. In 1985 he began private practice with the Children of Alcoholic Parents program, an outpatient program for the treatment of adults who had grown up in alcoholic families. He is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), a CSAT supervisor, and CSAT training facilitator as well as an EMDR practitioner. In this episode, Dr. Ken gives an overview on what an enmeshment relationship looks like, his latest book catered specifically for adult children of sex addicts, and talks about how to recover from a broken home. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:00] A little bit about Dr. Ken.
[4:25] What happens to children that allow them to struggle later on in life? 
[7:20] What’s so wrong with having a good relationship with your parents? 
[9:15] Empathic children deeply worry about their parents and often, enmeshment happens because the parent did not set proper or clear boundaries. 
[16:10] Dr. Ken is out with a new book, A Light in the Dark. Why did he decide to write it? 
[22:10] All the children surveyed said they were negatively impacted by what their sex addict parent did. 
[25:55] Adult children are often confused about what’s a normal sexual experience. 
[30:35] Children aren’t stupid. They know what’s going on and often get put in a bad position where they have to protect their mother or father’s anger towards the sex addict. 
[33:40] How should a sex addict tell their children about their problems? 
[37:25] The shame that these adult children carry, it is not their shame to carry. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men 
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
Sexualhealth-addiction.com
When He’s Married to Mom by Dr. Ken M. Adams
A Light in the Dark: The Hidden Legacy of Adult Children of Sex Addicts by Ken M. Adams



QUOTES:
“The romantic partner always becomes second tier to the enmeshed man or woman’s parents.”
“It’s always the parent’s job that they stay in charge of what is a normal love affair between parent and child.”
“Your children are not your children. They’re life’s longing for itself. They come through you, but not from you.”
“88% of children were aware or witnessed their parent’s sexually addicted behavior.”
 

Dr. Evelyn Higgins is the Founder and CEO of Wired for Addiction. She is a recognized expert in addiction and has 25 years of clinical practice as well as dedicated over 16 years of research and development in the science of addiction recovery. In this week’s episode, Dr. Higgins talks the environment vs. genes and how it shows up in addiction, explores the idea of an ‘addiction cure’, and so much more on this week’s episode. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:00] A little bit about Dr. Higgins.
[4:20] What is considered an addiction?
[6:35] No one sets out to becoming an addict.
[6:55] Our environment has a big impact on us…but our genetics also play a part. 
[7:45] Are we biologically/genetically wired to become addicts? 
[11:40] Why can’t you cure addiction? 
[16:50] You can make healthy choices! The first step is understanding your stressors.
[20:45] Dr. Weiss has seen people in recovery who still keep struggling. They’re ‘white knuckling’ it. 
[26:40] Unfortunately, what might work for one person, might not work for another. 
[27:20] How do we teach the public to better understand addiction? 
[34:40] The medical community is very subjective because it’s based on vocabulary (what the patient says) instead of blood tests and body chemistry results. 
[36:25] There’s still quite a bit of inequity in the medical field, but there are small steps forward happening.
[39:35] What are the next steps for someone who wants to stay sober?
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men 
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
DoctorHiggins.com



QUOTES:
“The stigma is that this is actually a mental health disease and no one sets out to ruin their life and have all these other reactions from society.”
“We all strive to make our lives easier.”
“We now know we can change the expression of genes. That’s so powerful. We can make changes in someone’s life.”
“No one [in congress] wanted their names on these bills because of the stigma around mental health.” 
 

Dr. Aaron Weiner, Ph.D., ABPP is a board-certified Psychologist and addiction specialist and speaks nationally on the topics of addiction, behavioral health, and the impact of drug policy on public health. In this episode, Dr. Aaron talks about childhood trauma, whether addicts are inherently bad people and the pain that people often hold deep down that they’ve suppressed and compartmentalized.
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:11] Why does relapse even happen? If the addict really loves me, why can’t they just stop?
[3:10] Your betrayed partner is hurt, but they love you and they don’t want to see you in pain.
[5:45] How do you tell a partner that you’ve relapsed or have a slip?
[6:35] Many spouses feel so disconnected from their addict. 
[9:15] You may continue with your addiction, but it will never be the same. You will always hurt your family. 
[11:00] Are addicts bad people? Are they just going to keep hurting people? 
[15:20] Do addictive personalities exist?
[16:40] Childhood trauma disrupts your entire worldview.
[21:35] People often want to know why this is happening, but it’s equally important to understand how it’s happening and how to stop. 
[27:00] We are going to get stressed and it’s natural that you want to hide from that stress, but there are better ways to solve that problem. 
[30:10] Can you fix addiction?
[32:45] Dr. Aaron offers some helpful workbooks and solutions to help you with your recovery journey. 



RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men 
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
Weinerphd.com
Dr. Aaron on LinkedIn



QUOTES:
“I’m an addict and I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to be reminded of it. Addicts will jump over the problem.”
“One of the things I see betrayed partner’s looking for is empathy. The addict gets into recovery, but they’re still assholes.”
“Almost every client that comes to Seeking Integrity wants to know ‘why’. I can show you why, but you really need to learn how to stop.”
“We are always going to be faced with stressors in our life and we are always going to want to feel better.” 
 

Dr. Aaron Weiner, Ph.D., ABPP is a board-certified Psychologist and addiction specialist and speaks nationally on the topics of addiction, behavioral health, and the impact of drug policy on public health. His perspective is informed by years of experience growing and directing addiction service lines for hospitals and healthcare systems, the current state of medical and psychological research, and his own observations in private practice. In this episode. Dr. Aaron talks about process addictions and how they differ from substance addictions.
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:40] A little bit about Dr. Aaron and his career.
[4:10] Addictions and addictive behaviors are very misunderstood.
[7:00] Why do these ‘non-substance’ addictions exist? 
[9:10] Sexual content is so easily accessible. 
[10:50] Social media apps want to be addicting. Dr. Aaron ran an experiment and moved his icons around so that he wouldn’t click on the same addictive apps over and over again.
[13:00] How do I know if I have a process addiction? 
[16:00] It’s easy to lie to yourself to avoid the discomfort or the consequences of your actions.
[18:10] There is a normalization in process behaviors. People want you to ‘binge’ on movies or ‘be addicted’ to video games.
[22:55] Insurance companies will pay for food-eating disorders but won’t consider a gaming disorder. 
[25:40] What is an FMRI? 
[27:30] A lot of therapists like to pretend the body doesn’t exist from the neck down. Dr. Aaron explains what he means. 
[29:50] An addiction forms because the person is just trying to find some way for peace and stability. 



RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men 
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
Weinerphd.com
Dr. Aaron on LinkedIn



QUOTES:
“Someone’s life can be completely bulldozed by an addiction that has nothing to do with a chemical you put in your body.” “When it comes to process addictions and where we draw the line unless we’re having an anger point with consequences, it’s societally defined.” “You can see when brains change when someone is compulsive vs. not. It’s very clear that the brain works differently when someone is addicted.” “I view addictive behaviors simply as overgrown or malignant coping mechanisms.” 

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how betrayed spouses can take care of themselves, especially if their addict is not showing up in a way that they need to. They also answer a question from an emotional man, who has been in recovery for the last two years, and use it as a showcase on why recovery really does work when you put in the work. When you commit 100%, you will see the results. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[:45] My SA husband never wants to have sex. What gives?
[6:10] As a betrayed partner, you need to do self-healing work. Your partner has lied to you for over 2 decades. 
[7:20] It’s common for addicts to gaslight you and confuse you whenever you stand up for yourself.  
[10:25] My betrayed spouse doesn’t seem as invested in this recovery journey as I am. I am trying my best, what can I do? 
[13:10] I’m interested in taking the Out of the Doghouse course. When does it start?
[15:50] I’ve been in recovery for two years. I’m more emotional than ever, and my wife thinks this is strange. How can I help her understand what’s happening? 
[20:30] ADHD and addiction? Is there a connection? 
 
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Doug Tieman got his start in the treatment field over 40 years ago at the Hazelden Foundation. During his time there, he served as Executive Vice President of Marketing & Development. In 1995, he joined Caron Treatment centers as the President and CEO, a position he’s currently held for 28 years. In part 2 of this episode, Doug shares his own recovery journey and why his wife continued to stay by his side despite the bad reputation and betrayal he caused in active addiction. Doug and Dr. Rob also share when to seek out help if you’re struggling with a substance problem. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:25] Why did Doug’s wife stay by his side? 
[2:10] This is an illness. 
[2:55] As a way to repair the relationship, Doug started dating his wife again. 
[5:20] Doug felt so much guilt that he had failed his family. He decided to put 100% on his recovery, even if it meant working 14 hours on this to do so. 
[7:45] How could Doug love his wife and at the same time act out and be a sex & love addict? 
[9:10] Doug has a book out, Flying Over the Pigpen. What’s it about? 
[14:00] How do you find a good treatment facility? 
[16:00] What kind of questions should you be asking before you enter into a treatment facility? 
[17:25] What are the signs you need help?
[19:10] With addiction, it only escalates. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men 
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
Caron.org
Doug on LinkedIn
Flying Over the Pigpen by Doug Tieman
 
QUOTES:
“For anyone who suffers from an addiction, that is our first and foremost love affair. We are incapable of having a lasting, meaningful relationship.” “I was incapable of a true loving relationship with my wife even though I wanted to because of my substance use and my sex and love addiction.” “I always loved my wife, but I was incapable of showing it in a true and meaningful way until I got into recovery.” “In addiction, you draw the line and then you redraw it because you cross it. When that happens, get help.”