148 episodes

On Sex, Love, and Addiction, Dr. Rob Weiss, sex therapist and author of a dozen books on sex and relationship healing, interviews global experts like Dr’s. Sue Johnson, Harville Hendrix, Dr. Stan Tatkin, and Helen Fisher, Dr. Kenneth Adams among others. This podcast features robust discussions focused on healing from chronic infidelity, cheating, porn, and sex addiction, along with the pain of relationship betrayal. Dr. Rob is Chief Clinical Officer for Seeking integrity Treatment Centers. He is a 30-year licensed therapist, a Ph.D. sexologist, and author Sex Addiction 101, Prodependence, and Out of the Doghouse, among other books. This podcast is dedicated to bringing information, advice, and direction from experts around the world to those seeking answers to some of life’s most challenging questions.

Sex, Love, and Addiction Robert Weiss, PhD, MSW

    • Health & Fitness
    • 4.6 • 263 Ratings

On Sex, Love, and Addiction, Dr. Rob Weiss, sex therapist and author of a dozen books on sex and relationship healing, interviews global experts like Dr’s. Sue Johnson, Harville Hendrix, Dr. Stan Tatkin, and Helen Fisher, Dr. Kenneth Adams among others. This podcast features robust discussions focused on healing from chronic infidelity, cheating, porn, and sex addiction, along with the pain of relationship betrayal. Dr. Rob is Chief Clinical Officer for Seeking integrity Treatment Centers. He is a 30-year licensed therapist, a Ph.D. sexologist, and author Sex Addiction 101, Prodependence, and Out of the Doghouse, among other books. This podcast is dedicated to bringing information, advice, and direction from experts around the world to those seeking answers to some of life’s most challenging questions.

    Part 2: Voices of Hope For, and By, Women Who Have Been Betrayed

    Part 2: Voices of Hope For, and By, Women Who Have Been Betrayed

    Annie and Melissa are two women who have experienced deep marital betrayal in their relationship. The signs weren’t always clear as to what was actually going on, but when the wool had been pulled over their eyes, the amount of emotions, judgment, and pain they experienced took a long time to recover from. This episode is part two of these two women sharing their very personal story of how they found out about their husbands’ addictions and how they got through it. 
     
    TAKEAWAYS:
    [3:15] Hindsight is 20/20. These are real and raw emotions and unfortunately, it’s difficult to hide or protect your children from what’s happening within your household. 
    [4:20] Melissa shares the reactions her friends and family had after they realized what was going on in her marriage. 
    [4:45] Annie found out that she had friends who loved her, but this topic was very difficult for them to handle. 
    [6:45] Did Annie’s husband’s porn use affect their intimate life? 
    [12:55] When Melissa joined a support group, it was the first time she felt validated and like she wasn’t going through this journey alone. 
    [23:45] Guess what, an addict can lie to their therapist! And some therapists eat it all up. 
    [30:50] Melissa knew for many years something was wrong but she just didn’t know what. Those years were painful; to constantly doubt herself. 
    [33:40] The work betrayed spouses have to go through to heal is very different from what an addict has to go through to make amends.  
    [39:15] How did Melissa and Annie meet? They’re so grateful for each other and their support! 
     
    RESOURCES:
    Sex and Relationship Healing
    @RobWeissMSW
    Sex Addiction 101 
    Seeking Integrity
    Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men 
    Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
    Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
    Jasonvr.com
    Jason on LinkedIn
    Get Past Your Past
     
    QUOTES:
    “You trust your spouse and it’s something that you never expected to happen. I never expected to find what I found.”
    “I knew my friends were trustworthy, but I couldn’t go to my friends and be like, ‘guess what I discovered now’. At least, I couldn’t.”
    “I will never be grateful this happened to me, but I am grateful that because it happened to me, I have made life-long friends.”

    • 48 min
    Part 1: Voices of Hope For, and By, Women Who Have Been Betrayed

    Part 1: Voices of Hope For, and By, Women Who Have Been Betrayed

    Annie and Melissa are two women who have experienced deep marital betrayal in their relationship. The signs weren’t always clear as to what was going on, but when the wool had been pulled over their eyes, the amount of emotions, judgment, and pain they experienced took a long time to recover from. These two women share their stories and also share why they decided to stay with their husbands and support them in their addiction. 
     
    TAKEAWAYS:
    [2:15] Today we hear from two women who have gone through painful marital betrayal. 
    [2:45] Why did these two women agree to come on and share their painful story today? 
    [3:50] When Melissa first found out about the betrayal, she didn’t see light at the end of the tunnel. Today, she does. 
    [6:25] Melissa really felt like everything in her relationship was good…until it wasn’t. 
    [13:00] What made Melissa throw her husband out of the house? 
    [14:50] What is betrayal trauma and why do so many partners experience it after finding out about their spouses affairs? 
    [20:00] Why did Annie stay in her relationship? 
    [20:55] When discovery happened, Annie had been married nearly 29 years. 
    [27:25] Dr. Rob defines what ‘porn’ means these days. It’s not just looking at a naked image anymore! 
    [28:50] Guys look at porn, what’s the big deal? 
    [31:15] Melissa’s husband would minimize her concerns when he was ‘out late’. She knew something was wrong, but couldn’t quite put her finger on why or what. 
    [32:45] Melissa’s husband is now upset at himself that he missed so much of his children’s lives because of his addiction. 
    [36:40] Annie shares that when people found out about her husband’s addiction, all the attention went to him. That’s when she felt so alone. 
    [38:30] Annie felt a second betrayal from her husband’s CSAT. She was dismissed in her feelings and she had no support! 
    [40:40] Melissa knew in her gut that something was wrong, so she snooped through his phone. When she found out all the lies and betrayal, she screamed so loud at him that it woke her children up. 
    [41:15] Melissa found out that their couple’s therapist knew about some of his betrayals and kept this information from her. Dr. Rob said this behavior was a violation of trust for a couple’s therapist. If you’re a therapist, don’t do this! 
     
    RESOURCES:
    Sex and Relationship Healing
    @RobWeissMSW
    Sex Addiction 101 
    Seeking Integrity
    Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men 
    Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
    Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
    Jasonvr.com
    Jason on LinkedIn
    Get Past Your Past
     
    QUOTES:
    “Anything that’s kept secret from the relationship is a betrayal. It doesn’t matter if it’s with a person or not. It’s all kept secrets and it’s all painful.”
    “Decades ago, when women left their husbands, they were scorned. Now, when we stay, they don’t understand.”
    “Just because he screws up doesn’t mean I’m going to throw my lift under a bus.”

    • 43 min
    Going to Therapy Doesn’t Have to Be Impossible with Jason VanRuler

    Going to Therapy Doesn’t Have to Be Impossible with Jason VanRuler

    Jason VanRuler is a therapist, coach, speaker, and author dedicated to impacting those who make an impact. His first book, Get Past Your Past, is all about establishing a mindset of emotional health and resilience to find lasting wholeness. In this episode, Jason shares his personal self-development journey, why going to therapy is so difficult for so many people, and why our natural inclination is to hurt others; intentionally or not. 
     
    TAKEAWAYS:
    [4:15] A little bit about Jason and how he became a therapist.  
    [10:10] Due to Jason’s rough upbringing, he knew he had to work on himself first before helping others.
    [14:40] Jason explains the reason why he likes to host outdoor retreats and how it helps with the healing process.
    [21:30] Best way to change your past and maladaptive behaviors is by surrounding yourself with different people. 
    [22:05] It’s important to be honest with yourself and really benchmark where you’re currently are. 
    [25:15] The more successful we get, the less likely we become surrounded by people who tell us the truth. 
    [30:15] Therapists are truth tellers and this is why going to therapy is so hard. 
    [37:45] There was a time in Jason’s life where going to therapy seemed impossible. 
    [38:45] What can we do today that empowers a better story? 
    [40:45] Have a question for Jason? Reach out! 
     
    RESOURCES:
    Sex and Relationship Healing
    @RobWeissMSW
    Sex Addiction 101 
    Seeking Integrity
    Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men 
    Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
    Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
    Jasonvr.com
    Jason on LinkedIn
    Get Past Your Past
     
    QUOTES:
    “We aspire to have something that only a different community will give us. If don’t have a different community, our current one just keeps us in the same spot.”
    “Be honest with where you’re at. So many times we fantasize how we want it to look.”
    “I think people always hurt people. Always. I don’t think people have gotten out of life without hurting other people, sometimes it’s intentional and sometimes it’s not. ”

    • 44 min
    Part 2: Porn, What’s The Big Deal? with Dr. Sandra Shachar

    Part 2: Porn, What’s The Big Deal? with Dr. Sandra Shachar

    Sandra A. Shachar, Ph.D., is a Licensed Psychologist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and has over thirty years of clinical experience working with individuals, couples and families affected by Betrayal Trauma. She is also the author of The Porn Solution, which dives into the world of betrayal through porn use and what partners can do to navigate themselves through it. In this episode, Dr. Sandra talks about PTSD, intentional listening to your partner, and how to regain your partner’s trust. 
     
    TAKEAWAYS:
    [1:50] How could I compete with a porn star? 
    [3:40] Women feel like if he’s watching porn, he’s checked out of the relationship. 
    [5:05] Can this sort of betrayal cause PTSD? Dr. Sandra believes so. 
    [11:40] How can you create meaningful dialogue when talking about something so difficult?
    [14:20] You can create intentional listening while putting ‘guard rails’ on it. 
    [15:25] If your relationship is in crisis right now, it’s going to be okay. It doesn’t mean that’s where you’re going to end up. 
    [19:10] How can you rebuild trust again? 
    [25:30] If you have children, the reason to heal your relationship should be at the forefront of your mind.
     
    RESOURCES:
    Sex and Relationship Healing
    @RobWeissMSW
    Sex Addiction 101 
    Seeking Integrity
    Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men 
    Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
    Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
    Drsandrashachar.com
    Dr. Sandra on LinkedIn
    The Porn Solution
     
    QUOTES:
    “We depend on other human beings for our very survival. In order to survive as a human being, we need intimate connection with at least one other human being.”
    “What matters most in an intimate relationship is to feel seen, heard, and understood by your partner.”
    “If you have children, this affects them. The keeping of secrets, they feel all of that.”

    • 27 min
    Part 1: Porn, What’s The Big Deal? with Dr. Sandra Shachar

    Part 1: Porn, What’s The Big Deal? with Dr. Sandra Shachar

    Sandra A. Shachar, Ph.D., is a Licensed Psychologist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and has over thirty years of clinical experience working with individuals, couples and families affected by Betrayal Trauma. She is also the author of The Porn Solution, which dives into the world of betrayal through porn use and what partners can do to navigate themselves through it. In this episode, Dr. Sandra talks about the definition of betrayal, why porn affects so many people, and why it’s okay to ask for your needs to be met. 
     
    TAKEAWAYS:
    [3:20] Is porn cheating? 
    [3:55] Why did Dr. Sandra write the book, The Porn Solution? 
    [7:10] What is the definition of a betrayal? 
    [12:05] Porn, what’s the big deal? I’m not cheating on you! 
    [18:10] Why does porn betrayal affect women so deeply? 
    [22:35] How can we regain a partner’s trust after a betrayal? 
    [24:30] You have a right to ask for your needs to be met. It’s okay to have needs! 
    [29:15] What is a problem for one person, is a problem for both people. 
    [29:55] Porn isn’t the issue, it’s the trust! 
     
    RESOURCES:
    Sex and Relationship Healing
    @RobWeissMSW
    Sex Addiction 101 
    Seeking Integrity
    Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men 
    Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
    Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
    Drsandrashachar.com
    Dr. Sandra on LinkedIn
    The Porn Solution
     
    QUOTES:
    “When I talk to spouses about their experience of whether porn felt like a betrayal to the relationship, we got up to 80%. We have a population of female spouses who say it’s a big deal.”
    “It’s not the act of what you’re doing specifically, it’s the deception. It’s what you’ve hidden me that constitutes as the betrayal.”
    “It makes absolute sense why you’re reacting the way you are. This is normal under these abnormal circumstances.”

    • 34 min
    BONUS: Why Should I Write Down All My Anger and Hurt?

    BONUS: Why Should I Write Down All My Anger and Hurt?

    Dr. Rob and Tami talk about the healing properties a journal practice can have. A listener wrote that her therapist wants her to journal out the resentment and anger that her SA has caused her, but the mere thought of doing this gets her re-triggered and angry all over again. Is there really a point to all of this aside from re-remembering the betrayal? 
     
    TAKEAWAYS:
    [:25] My SA husband’s entire family has suffered from some sort of sexual addiction or abuse. Is all of this hereditary? 
    [8:30] How can intermittent reward cause or enhance relationship addiction? 
    [16:15] What’s the point of writing my betrayal down? I feel so angry just thinking about it. 
    [18:50] If you have a lot of anger inside you, a journal practice can be very healing. 
    [19:45] My addict is weaseling out of our initial agreement. What should I do? 
    [26:05] If you’re not doing the work, then it doesn’t matter what you say or do. 
    [26:15] He’s sober but still can’t be intimate with me. He says he feels shame. Is this just an excuse? 
     
    RESOURCES:
    Seekingintegrity.com
    Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
    Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

    • 33 min

Customer Reviews

4.6 out of 5
263 Ratings

263 Ratings

helping us heal ,

The best podcast for both addict and betrayed -

I’ve listened to A LOT of the podcasts on this subject (sadly) and this one offers so much help for both the addict and the betrayed. It is my go to and I have shared so many episodes with my husband and the women in my support group.

As a betrayed partner, I appreciate Dr. Rob’s genuine sensitivity to our pain and the Betrayal Trauma experts he has on to offer us help and advice. There are some incredibly knowledgeable guests on this podcast. With that said, like with any podcast, there are some episodes with some experts that I might not totally agree with but they still help because they give different perspectives and I take those or leave them. At the end of the day, as a deeply heartbroken betrayed partner, I greatly appreciate this podcast and the expert knowledge it offers to every partner out there suffering from the deep pain of this addiction. THANK YOU Dr. Rob!!!

Wishful grouponer ,

Feeling duped

In a great time of need, I was seeking resources and help. I found Love, Sex and Addiction. After soaking up many episodes-some multiple times and even contemplating workshops for my loved one with Seeking Integrity, I discovered a guest on the show and Director of Content Development for Seeking Integrity is not only a recovering addict, but a convicted sex offender…against a child.
I actually feel betrayed….again. In a dark moment of trying to find light & hope, I feel duped. I feel exploited.
As a partner in this journey to find healing, I shudder to think that I almost insisted that my loved one not only invest time listening to this show, but also consider paying for online workshops facilitated by this individual.
I truly believe everyone has the right to recover and heal, but if you are the one everyone is turning to for help and healing, there should be full disclosure. Where is that episode?

zelle blows ,

Loads of judgment

These two clearly have a high opinion of themselves. They promote a single mentality and disparage alternative views. They use benign words like “connection” to exclude addicts and sex monsters.

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