The Zachary Stockill Podcast Zachary Stockill

In today’s video, I’m going to talk about how to stay present when you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy.







Read or watch below to learn more about how to stay present with retroactive jealousy.



















 Zachary Stockill: I’ve been working on the issue of retroactive jealousy since 2013. And one of the things I’ve noticed is that many retroactive jealousy sufferers are of above-average intelligence.







And I’m not just trying to give myself a pat on the back or butter you up. I’m saying that because I’ve observed this to be true.







Many of us are overthinkers and have a very active imagination.







Many of us think we can solve all of our problems with our brains. Retroactive jealousy doesn’t work that way.







In this article, I want to share an interesting little technique, a different perspective that will help you calm your brain down and hopefully help you overcome retroactive jealousy.







My name is Zachary 2013. I’ve been helping men and women from all over the world overcome retroactive jealousy.







If you’d like more information about my work or to work with me one-on-one, please visit this link.







There’s a phrase that I often use with coaching clients and students in my online course, “Get Over Your Partner’s Past Fast,” that I find very helpful.







And the phrase is ‘Dumbing the moment down.’







You might be wondering what that means. I’ll get into it momentarily.







Imagine you’re having dinner with your partner at a nice restaurant. The food is delightful, the wine is exceptional, and the ambiance adds to the lovely evening.















Everything outside mirrors the beauty of the moment. Your partner is looking fantastic, deeply engaged in the conversation, and everything seems just right.







Yet, amidst this perfect setting, your mind is battling retroactive jealousy.







In the back of your mind, thoughts of their past linger, maybe even images of them with someone else in a previous intimate moment.







Maybe you find yourself full of questions about their past, or even feeling upset about something they did before you met.







Doubts about your future together could be creeping in, based on certain moments from their past. Maybe you’re thinking:







“Is this the person I’m meant to spend my life with? Can I really handle their past long-term? What if I never overcome retroactive jealousy? What if that Zach guy on YouTube is totally full of it, and I can never beat this problem?”







You get the picture: you’re in what could be a beautiful moment, but your complicated thoughts are overshadowing it.



















In such times, I’ve found it incredibly helpful, especially when I was dealing with retroactive jealousy, to dumb the moment down.







In these moments,

In today’s video, I’m going to talk about “anti-role models,” a subject often overlooked in discussions in personal development.







Read or watch below to learn more about a unique anti-role models exercise.



















 Zachary Stockill: You’ve probably heard of “role models” before. A role model is someone you look up to, someone you feel some connection or kinship with, an example of a life that you want to lead, or at least an example of the kind of life you’re interested in leading.







What I don’t hear people talk about enough and what I think is equally valuable is looking to what I call ‘anti-role models’.







In other words, people you feel some sort of kinship with, whose lives you do not want to emulate.







In today’s video, I’m going to go a little deeper into this idea and share some of my thoughts about anti-role models.







Some people refer to anti-role models as “shadows” or counterexamples, but I like the term anti-role model.







In my life, I’ve met a few men in particular, and I had many things in common with these guys.







Maybe I had similar interests, passions, or demons. But I’d encounter these men, or I’d even read about these men.







Sometimes it wasn’t someone I knew personally. I just hear stories about their life, and I feel a certain connection there.







Maybe we’re similar kinds of people. We’re vulnerable to the same whims and desires.







We want a lot of the same things. I feel some kind of connection to them. And sometimes I found their lives go off in really tragic and unfortunate directions.







Because they let these demons get the best of them, they start making bad choices. They don’t live up to their own ideals.







And they fall victim to many of the same pitfalls that in some alternative universe, or galaxy, If I think about it, I could see myself falling victim to.







I could see myself battling those same demons. I can see myself making those same wrong choices.







To give you some practical examples, I’m not going to give you any names, but I’ll give you some practical examples of what I’m talking about.







As I’ve mentioned on this website several times for my entire life, to some extent I’ve struggled with my weight.







I put on weight very easily. I love food, wine, a lot of the finer things in life.







And unfortunately, when you’re a guy like me when you have a metabolism like me, it’s very easy to put on weight.







I mean, I look at a cheesecake and I gain five pounds. That’s kind of one of the things I’ve had to struggle with in my life.







And there’s a version of me I know somewhere in some alternative universe. That decides to say, you know what, to hell with it.







I’m going to eat that entire cheesecake, drink eight bottles of wine, and go nuts at a burrito stand. Completely lacking any kind of discipline when it comes to what they eat.







Alternative universe Zach is out there somewhere clocking in around 300 pounds. And the reason I know that is because I’ve met some of my anti-role models.

In today’s video, I share my view on how to break the deadly retroactive jealousy cycle.







Read or watch below to learn how to break the retroactive jealousy cycle.



















Zachary Stockill: What do retroactive jealousy sufferers and drug addicts have in common? The answer might surprise you, and that’s exactly what I will go into in today’s video.







For the people here for the first time, the term “retroactive jealousy” refers to unwanted intrusive thoughts, often obsessive curiosity, and what I call “mental movies” about a partner’s past relationships and/or sexual history.







It’s pure hell, but if you found this article and are reading it, you probably know exactly what I’m talking about.







As I mentioned a moment ago, since 2013, I’ve been working full-time on this issue of retroactive jealousy; as part of that work, I host a private Facebook group.







It’s a secret Facebook group for students taking my premium online course “Get Over Your Partner’s Past Fast,” as of today, we’re over 500 members strong.







There are always fascinating discussions, with plenty of individuals who’ve conquered retroactive jealousy choosing to stay, provide support, and share their insights and advice.







One of the best things I’ve ever done in my professional life is to create this secret Facebook group.







Anyway, I mention this because not long ago, a student in this Facebook group left a brilliant comment that I just had to share with you.















So, the quote is from this student in my group:









“One thing I’d like to add is that I think it’s something I’ve experienced is that retroactive jealousy can be like an addiction. You get the adrenaline rush, reassurance, and the feeling of calm.







It’s not a pleasant experience, and perhaps something that the sufferer isn’t doing consciously, but it’s important to replace that cycle with something. Otherwise, it’s a possibility that it could continue.”









I thought this was great, and it helped articulate something that I’ve thought a lot about in terms of the similarities often between retroactive jealousy and addiction.







So, full disclosure: I’m not an addict, and I have no personal experience with this. But I know a little bit about how addicts and how addiction functions.







There’s a constant craving for a thing, whether it’s reassurance from our partner or details about our partner’s past. Whatever it is, there’s this constant craving.







For a drug addict, the craving for the drug is constant. They might feel better once they obtain what they desire, like the reassurance and all the details they need.







For a few hours, a day, a week, whatever. They might even feel euphoric and hear something from their partner that makes them feel great.







We may gain some insight into their past, making us feel fantastic. Similarly, a drug addict might experience a high from their drug of choice, feeling blissful for a few hours, a day, or even longer,

In today’s video, I’m going to offer the best piece of dating advice that I have encountered.







Read or watch below to discover the best dating advice.



















 Zachary Stockill: You may look at the title of this article and think it’s absolute clickbait, but it’s not. I assure you: in today’s video, I’m going to talk about what I believe to be the best dating advice ever.







My name is Zachary Stockill, and since 2013, I’ve been working one-on-one with men and women from all over the world, helping them overcome retroactive jealousy and save their relationships.







If you’d like more information about my work, or you’d like to work with me one-on-one, please visit this link.







The best dating advice ever, and really the only dating advice I think any man or woman truly needs, is: be dateable.







Before you throw away your phone or laptop in disgust, take a moment to hear me out…







This is an idea that Professor Jordan Peterson talks about a lot. This is an idea that a lot of people talk about. But it still seems like it’s lacking from the popular discourse on relationships, at least in the Western world.







Many people are interested in dating advice, attracting a better partner, building a better relationship, getting more dates, or getting better dates.







The focus is always on “what I can get.”















And I’m not vilifying these people whatsoever. That’s a very human impulse to be selfish in our thinking, thinking about me, me, me.







What can I get? How can I get this? I want that. It’s very human to have such impulses.







But when you shift your focus to what you have to give or how you can increase what you have to offer, things change.







Miracles truly start to happen. This is an idea that took me a while to understand, but once I truly got it, my dating life changed, and my life in general as a man became much, much, much better.







So many people ask, ‘How can I find the perfect partner?’







What fewer people ask is, ‘How can I be the perfect partner?’







This sounds so obvious, but how often do we neglect it in our dating lives? We’re always focusing on getting. We’re not so keen to think about how we might be giving and how we can give more and better.







So, here’s the reason that I’m talking about this topic and why I was inspired to write this article.







Often in the West, you’ll find groups of men on online forums and social media who spend their time complaining about women.







They say things like “modern women are this” and “modern women are that,” bemoaning that they can’t find what they’re looking for and questioning the existence of the perfect woman, all while engaging in endless grumbling.







It’s all a victim mentality, really.







And then you see these guys, and I’m just going to point out the obvious here, but it’s hard not to notice—they don’t seem to take much care of themselves physically.

In today’s video, I’m going to tell you how to stop seeking reassurance and start building confidence in yourself and your relationships.







Read or watch below to learn about how to stop seeking reassurance.



















 Zachary Stockill: A frequent behavior among those suffering from retroactive jealousy is something I term ‘reassurance seeking.’







Reassurance seeking involves approaching your partner and asking various questions about their past, seeking assurance that you’re truly the best match for them, and pressing them to reveal details they’ve probably already told you.







You get the idea. Seeking endless reassurance from your partner.







In today’s video, I want to respond to a viewer of this channel who is wondering how to stop this constant reassurance-seeking.







My name is Zachary Stockill, and since 2013, I’ve been working one-on-one with men and women from all over the world, helping them overcome retroactive jealousy and save their relationships.







If you’d like more information about my work or you’d like to work with me one-on-one, please visit this link.







I received a comment on a video on my channel from a viewer we’ll call ‘A’.







A writes,









“How do I stop seeking endless reassurance from my partner? I start a discussion just because I want reassurance from him. But the thing is, I’m not only doing it with the topic of retroactive jealousy. How can I get the reassurance I need in another way? How can I stop self-sabotaging?”

















Just to clarify, this comment was posted on a video discussing retroactive jealousy.







For those who are unfamiliar or new here: the term ‘retroactive jealousy’ describes unwanted, intrusive thoughts, often obsessive curiosity, and what I call ‘mental movies’ about a partner’s past relationships or sexual history.







Retroactive jealousy can often involve a lot of reassurance seeking from your partner.







My first tip is to remember that you will never receive some ultimate reassurance from your partner regarding retroactive jealousy.















You can never get enough reassurance from them. You might get a fix, let’s say, that lasts for a couple of hours, or maybe a day, or even a whole week, maybe even longer than that…







But that itch will come back sooner or later. You’ll find yourself needing an answer to a specific question. You’ll yearn to hear something you’ve heard before, to reassure and have them proclaim their undying love for the millionth time.







It’s never going to be enough. You’re never going to receive enough reassurance from your partner. It doesn’t work that way.







You can think of it like a drug addict with drugs.







So, for someone who’s addicted to something like heroin, there’s never enough heroin. They’re always going to need another fix, if they’re a true addict. They’re always going to need another jolt of energy, another jolt of heroin.

Today, I will address guys who tell me ‘My girlfriend’s past bothers me’ and explore ways to process these concerns.







Read or watch below if you have ever felt like ‘My girlfriend’s past bothers me…’



















 Zachary Stockill: Just about each and every day, I receive some variation of the question: “Zach, my girlfriend’s past bothers me. Does this mean that we should break up?”







Giving generalized advice on this topic can be challenging since every individual and relationship is unique. However, I’ll do my best to provide helpful insights in this article.







My name is Zachary Stockill, and since 2013, I’ve been helping men and women worldwide overcome retroactive jealousy and save their relationships. If you’re interested in working with me one-on-one, please visit here.







So, if you have ever felt like “my girlfriend’s past bothers me,” and you’re wondering whether or not you should break up, the first question I would pose back to you is:







Is it that you don’t like thinking about it or you feel like you can’t stop thinking about it?







Since those two things aren’t the same, there’s some critical information to uncover in their differences.







For the people who are new here, I describe “retroactive jealousy” as a mix of unwanted intrusive thoughts and often obsessive curiosity.







It can also include what I refer to as ‘mental movies’ about your partner’s past relationships.







And there are different kinds of retroactive jealousy.







Sometimes, retroactive jealousy can feel almost like a form of OCD.







It’s as if there’s a biochemical process in your brain fueling these intrusive thoughts, and no matter how hard you try, you can’t stop thinking about it.







And other times, it’s more related to a genuine clash of values. In other words, sometimes retroactive jealousy is not exactly irrational.







For instance, discovering that your partner has a history of serial cheating raises red flags. It’s natural for this to put you on high alert. In such situations, it’s fair to say that your feelings of retroactive jealousy aren’t unfounded or baseless.







So, you must get clarity on whether or not what you’re dealing with is rational or irrational, as the case may be.







I would also encourage you to get more clarity about your relationship, boundaries, goals, and values.







In other words, at this particular juncture in your life: what are you looking for in a partner, in a relationship?















What role do you envision your partner playing in your life? Think about the function you want your relationship to fulfill.







What are your goals for dating or being in a relationship? Are you looking to get married soon ...