Episode Summary Thursday’s Sideshow is a sweaty little nightmare featuring racist Meade Skelton cosplay, rotisserie chicken pornography, a handcuffed lunatic screaming about monkey-eyed cunts, and a murderer who apparently treated Dexter like an instructional series. Real classy spread today. Opening Chaos The show kicks off with Kids Bop Meade Skelton Edition, because apparently what the world needed was a fake wholesome version of one of Meade’s dumbest racist country tantrums. The intro reel also gives us the usual DV bouquet of feces, AIDS warnings, and Vincent Price, which is honestly a more stable emotional mix than the rest of the episode. Tim opens from a second-floor heat coffin of a studio, sweating into the carpet and wondering just how much human musk one room can absorb before it becomes sentient. Episode Highlights Commercials in Real Life: Tim spirals off an old Sears air conditioning commercial and imagines the much nastier real-world version, where marital resentment and heatstroke finally melt whatever was left of the relationship. Porn trend alert: Apparently the internet has discovered new and exciting ways to violate rotisserie chicken, from ranch-lubed penetration to women flattening roast birds with their ass while squealing like escaped preschoolers. Throat bulge fetish unlocked: If chicken-fucking wasn’t enough, Tim also uncovers a corner of porn where creeps get off on women taking huge bites of food so you can watch it slide down their throat. Humanity remains a mistake. Poultry Perversion Watch Rotisserie chicken sex play is now apparently a full genre, complete with a guy humping a fully cooked bird after slathering himself in ranch dressing like a condemned Applebee’s appetizer. Chicken crush videos also enter the chat, including one overexcited woman sliding her bare ass around on a roast chicken and announcing every horrible sensation with the energy of a birthday clown on meth. Tim notes that men will masturbate to absolutely anything, and by the end of this segment it’s hard to argue. If women turned into boneless worms tomorrow, somebody would still be jacking off to the wiggle. Drunk Patriot Theater A clip from Nevada climate protests features a cop solving the “blocking the road” problem by driving straight through the protesters’ little setup and then steamrolling the rest of their roadside theater with zero patience. The real crown jewel, though, is a tank-top psycho on a motorcycle who shows up at his former workplace demanding an “impromptu meeting,” threatening eternity, yelling about communists, and insisting everyone should lick his ass if they knew what he’d sacrificed for America. Once handcuffed, the guy only gets better, or worse, depending on your tolerance for red-faced patriot gibberish. Highlights include monkey-eyed c**t, Arab accusations, demands for food, whispered threats, and an emotional defense of his Dallas Cowboys tank top. Eventually it turns out the man’s license had already been revoked and he had more than booze in his system, which will shock exactly no one who heard him growling inside the squad car like a starved possum with nationalism poisoning. ️ Distorted News Jackass says goodbye with a sky penis The cast of Jackass Best and Last receives a farewell gift that is, somehow, perfect: custom stars named after the cast that form a constellation officially known as the little dicker. The stunt honors the franchise’s proud legacy of genital stupidity, and yes, Tim is very excited for another movie full of men getting wrecked, violated, and humiliated for art. Dexter fan allegedly took notes A Cornwall man accused of killing two men allegedly dismembered and burned their bodies in woodland near his cabin, then tried to use their bank cards and fake their movements to cover the whole thing up.
