18 HRS AGO

Why Eating Disorders Are Not About Food

In this episode, Kim sits down with eating disorder specialist Sarah Burney to unpack what's really going on beneath "food noise," body dissatisfaction, and chronic struggles with eating. This conversation moves beyond surface-level advice and into the deeper emotional, neurological, and relational drivers of disordered eating. They explore why food is rarely the actual problem, how shame quietly fuels the cycle, and why changing your body never resolves the underlying distress. Sarah also clarifies common misconceptions around body dysmorphia versus negative body image, explains when professional support is warranted, and offers a grounded framework for helping both yourself and loved ones without reinforcing shame. This episode is for anyone who feels consumed by food thoughts, stuck in body-based self-worth, or confused about where healing actually begins. Guest: Sarah Burney Licensed in CA, AZ, OR, and PA burneytherapygroup.com Timestamps 00:00 – What "food noise" actually feels like 02:31 – Stress eating, dopamine, and emotional regulation 03:54 – Food as self-soothing vs avoidance 05:06 – When food thoughts cross the line into needing support 05:26 – Medical vs psychological red flags 06:03 – How shame initiates and sustains disordered eating 07:19 – Why changing your body never solves the real problem 08:21 – Is body image ever the root issue? 09:00 – Core beliefs, trauma, and self-worth 10:15 – Why success and appearance don't fix internal distress 11:15 – What treatment actually looks like 12:11 – Body dysmorphia vs negative body image (important distinction) 14:12 – Separating self-worth from self-improvement 15:35 – Being treated differently based on appearance and why it matters 17:18 – Why reaching the "ideal" body doesn't bring relief 21:04 – The belief underneath "I need to look different" 24:33 – Disordered eating vs diagnosable eating disorders 25:26 – Why eating disorders are not about food 26:48 – How loved ones can help without causing harm 29:47 – What to look for in an eating disorder specialist Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/ Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/ Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

34 min

29 JAN

Thinking About Divorce? What to Know Before You Call a Lawyer

In this episode, I'm joined by Alex Beattie, founder of The Divorce Planner, to talk about what actually helps in the earliest stages of separation and divorce. Alex is a divorce prep coach who works with people before they hire attorneys or mediators, helping them get grounded emotionally and prepared practically before big, irreversible decisions are made. We talk about the grief, shame, and identity disruption that often catches people off guard, even when divorce feels mutual, and why slowing down at the beginning can protect you emotionally and financially in the long run. Alex's web site: https://www.thedivorceplanner.net/ -------------- Timestamps & topics 00:00 – What a divorce prep coach actually does How divorce prep differs from legal strategy and why preparation before calling a lawyer matters 02:15 – Why people want to "just get it over with" Emotional overwhelm, avoidance, and the risks of making decisions from shutdown or panic 03:50 – Divorce as the end of an imagined future Grief, loss of identity, and facing a blank slate you didn't plan for 06:10 – The emotional pain people underestimate Why sadness, grief, and shame still show up even when divorce is the "right" decision 08:40 – How childhood patterns resurface during divorce Why old narratives about worth, safety, and capability come back online 10:20 – Divorce and confidence collapse Questioning your value, competence, and future, especially for stay-at-home parents 13:05 – Reframing skills, worth, and capability Recognizing transferable skills and rebuilding self-trust 14:45 – Retraining the brain during a destabilizing life transition Awareness, emotional regulation, and building stability when everything feels uncertain 17:00 – Social stigma, family reactions, and judgment Why divorce still carries shame and how others' reactions can complicate healing 19:10 – The most unhelpful things people say during divorce "Well-meaning" comments that actually increase shame and self-doubt 21:30 – How friends can offer real support Listening, practical help, and showing up without trying to fix or judge 24:10 – Letting yourself receive support Why isolation makes divorce harder and how connection actually builds resilience 28:40 – Why you should never negotiate money without knowing your numbers How fear around finances leads to long-term regret 30:10 – The 5-5-5 decision rule Evaluating divorce decisions based on their impact over time, not just immediate relief 32:00 – Final advice for early-stage divorce decisions Why slowing down now protects your future self and prevents costly mistakes later -------------- Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/ Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/ Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

33 min

21 JAN

Why Insight Isn't Enough to Change Your Behavior

You understand why you avoid. You see the pattern. And you're still doing it. In this episode, Kim Polinder explores the frustrating gap between self-awareness and actual change — and why insight alone rarely leads to different behavior. Rather than framing change as a decision or a motivation problem, this conversation breaks down procrastination as a capacity issue. Kim walks through four common "false fixes" people rely on when they're trying to change — strategies that look responsible on the surface but quietly reinforce avoidance. Using real-life relational examples, nervous system science, and practical reframes, this episode explains why waiting to feel calm, trying to be perfect, forcing yourself through hard moments, or endlessly consuming self-help content often backfires. The focus is not on fixing yourself, but on building emotional capacity: the ability to stay present with discomfort, repair when things go sideways, and stop turning one hard moment into a verdict about who you are. Timestamps & Topics [00:00:00] – The Conundrum: Why self-awareness doesn't change behavior. [00:01:39] – Defining Capacity: Why change requires extreme discomfort. [00:02:48] – False Fix #1: Waiting to feel calm or "ready" before acting. [00:03:59] – False Fix #2: The perfectionism trap and the cost of "doing it right". [00:06:50] – False Fix #3: Forcing exposure without a support system. [00:08:45] – Pausing to Avoid vs. Pausing to Build Capacity. [00:14:09] – False Fix #4: Searching for the "Golden Key" of insight. [00:16:40] – Short-term relief vs. Long-term training of the nervous system. [00:19:35] – Why willpower fails under emotional threat. [00:22:00] – Compassionate Curiosity: How to stop abandoning yourself. [00:24:37] – Why we lose access to our skills when triggered. [00:27:13] – The Lab Partner: The necessity of community and repair. [00:29:14] – Invitation to the Virtual Cohort: Building capacity in real-time. Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/ Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/ Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

32 min

15 JAN

Procrastination: Why You Avoid What Matters Most

In Episode 10, Kim opens Season Two by breaking down procrastination in a way most people have never heard it explained before. This episode isn't about productivity, discipline, or time management. It's about emotional risk, fragile self-esteem, and the identities we built in childhood to survive. Kim explains why procrastination shows up around the things that matter most. Big conversations. Creative work. Boundaries. Healing. Growth. And why avoidance isn't laziness. It's protection. Drawing from attachment theory, trauma, neurobiology, and her own lived experience, Kim connects procrastination to emotional attunement, identity, shutdown, people-pleasing, catastrophizing, and the fear of inner collapse. She also explains why insight alone doesn't change behavior, and what actually has to shift for real movement to happen. –––––––––––––––––– Time Stamps & Topics 00:00 – Rage, triggers, and decades of stored emotional memory 00:25 – Why feeling misunderstood cuts so deeply 00:52 – Procrastination isn't about time management 02:29 – Procrastination around hard conversations 03:01 – Mistakes, shame, and fragile self-esteem 05:28 – What self-esteem actually is (and isn't) 06:25 – Emotional attunement explained 07:37 – Why "they'll never understand me" isn't true 08:10 – Childhood emotional neglect and minimization 09:14 – Avoidant coping and jumping to solutions 09:57 – Why being sat with matters 10:27 – Religion, conflict avoidance, and emotional bypassing 11:30 – Biology of trauma and implicit memory 12:33 – Adoption, abandonment, and cognitive bias 13:46 – Anger as a lifelong trigger 14:52 – Suppression vs expression of emotion 15:41 – Coping mechanisms and shutdown 16:24 – Anxious vs avoidant responses in conflict 18:28 – Catastrophizing and control 19:13 – Why anxiety feels protective 23:14 – Childhood roles: good child, peacemaker, achiever 26:25 – Waiting until you're angry to speak 29:12 – Why your partner isn't the whole cause 30:07 – Shutdown as self-protection, not punishment 31:05 – Why insight doesn't change behavior 33:11 – Reframing hard conversations 36:16 – How family freezes you in old identities 37:35 – Why growth feels threatening 38:05 – Holding competing emotions about parents 39:22 – Letting go of old identities 40:05 – Why growth feels risky, not empowering 41:18 – What actually reduces procrastination 42:09 – Questions to ask yourself about avoidance 44:58 – Pay attention to what you avoid 45:26 – What avoidance is protecting –––––––––––––––––– This episode is especially relevant if you feel stuck despite insight, avoid hard conversations, or keep postponing the things that matter most to you. Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/ Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/ Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

46 min

28/11/2023

Why They Shut Down and You Start Doubting Yourself

In Episode 9, Kim answers listener questions about anxious–avoidant dynamics, communicating with partners who shut down, chronic self-doubt and perfectionism, and navigating a relationship when one or both partners are struggling with depression. This episode explores what it actually means to move toward secure attachment, why avoidant partners disengage during future-oriented conversations, and when communication tools stop being enough. Kim also unpacks the roots of lifelong self-doubt, how self-criticism becomes tied to worth, and why letting go of perfection can feel terrifying but necessary. The final segment offers grounded guidance for couples navigating depression together without losing themselves or each other. –––––––––––––––––– Time Stamps & Topics 00:00 – Listener questions preview • Communicating with avoidant partners • Self-doubt and confidence • Relationships and depression 02:00 – Faith in yourself explained (without religion) 03:10 – Fear vs doubt and why fear blocks change 05:05 – Why belief in change matters before action 06:40 – CBT basics: thoughts, feelings, behaviors 08:35 – Identifying core beliefs and inner dialogue 10:20 – Taking accountability for change 11:30 – Question 1: Communicating with avoidant partners 13:05 – Anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant dynamics 15:10 – Why anxious partners get labeled as the problem 17:30 – Emotional shutdown and childhood origins 19:45 – Why anxious and avoidant partners attract each other 22:30 – Independence vs emotional unavailability 24:40 – Where attachment patterns are formed 27:10 – Why communication feels one-sided 29:30 – Soft startups, timing, and asking for consent to talk 31:45 – Putting responsibility back on the avoidant partner 34:10 – When communication tools stop working 36:30 – Values, emotional needs, and secure attachment 38:45 – When it may be time to walk away 41:20 – Sampling behavior to predict the future 43:10 – Question 2: Self-doubt, confidence, and perfectionism 45:05 – How self-criticism becomes tied to worth 47:40 – Childhood roots of self-doubt 50:10 – Why self-blame once served a purpose 52:35 – Separating past conditioning from present reality 55:20 – Attributing success without self-punishment 58:10 – Letting go of people who mistreat you 01:01:00 – Tolerating loneliness during growth 01:03:45 – Making mistakes on purpose 01:06:10 – Learning to take life more lightly 01:09:00 – Question 3: Navigating depression as a couple 01:10:40 – Why dual depression adds strain 01:12:30 – Therapy, medication, and evaluation basics 01:15:10 – Genetics, trauma, and self-acceptance 01:18:00 – Day-to-day functioning and division of labor 01:20:30 – Supporting each other without enabling 01:23:15 – Empathy, communication, and shared responsibility 01:26:10 – Using CBT to manage depressive thinking –––––––––––––––––– This episode is especially relevant if you're questioning whether communication is enough, struggling with self-worth, or trying to hold a relationship together while managing mental health challenges. Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/ Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/ Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

39 min

21/07/2023

Why Their "Change" Feels Fake: Trauma Bonds, Betrayal, and the Illusion of Repair

In Episode 8, Kim answers listener questions about trauma bonds, abusive relationship cycles, repeated infidelity, and navigating boundaries with family members after postpartum harm. This episode looks closely at why "sudden change" can feel untrustworthy, how remorse differs from temporary improvement, and why love alone is not enough to repair long-standing harm. Kim also breaks down trauma bonding in plain language and explains why people stay in relationships that continue to hurt them, even when they know better intellectually. The final section focuses on in-law boundaries, postpartum vulnerability, and how to get a peacemaking partner on board when accountability threatens family harmony. –––––––––––––––––– Time Stamps & Topics 00:00 – Listener questions preview • Abusive partner claiming sudden change • Repeated cheating and false reconciliation cycles • Postpartum boundary violations with in-laws 01:27 – What trauma bonds are and how they form 02:25 – Reward and punishment cycles in abusive relationships 03:23 – Power imbalance, conditioning, and familiarity with harm 03:57 – Why people return after leaving abusive partners 04:20 – Why consistent kindness can feel "boring" or unsafe 06:00 – Question 1: "My abusive partner says he's changed, but it feels fake" 07:38 – What "fake progress" often signals 08:27 – Psychiatry vs therapy and limits of medication alone 09:45 – Why years of abuse don't resolve in a few sessions 10:41 – Medication as stabilization vs real healing 11:39 – What genuine repair actually requires 12:07 – The role of couples therapy and trauma-informed work 12:58 – Safety, boundaries, and rebuilding self-advocacy 13:48 – How to define measurable signs of real change 15:04 – Why five therapy sessions is not enough 16:11 – Apology, accountability, and empathy as non-negotiables 17:38 – When love becomes endurance instead of care 19:02 – Question 2: Repeated cheating, devastation, and reunion cycles 20:16 – Why repeated betrayal points to deeper issues 20:46 – What true remorse looks like 21:07 – How to assess the quality of an apology 22:26 – Common patterns behind infidelity 23:45 – Cheating as coping, rebellion, or avoidance 24:37 – Trauma bonds and why leaving feels impossible 26:25 – The "rescuer" role and saving dynamics 27:37 – Supporting someone without sacrificing yourself 28:30 – Receiving care and challenging worthiness beliefs 29:39 – When patterns won't change without real work 30:34 – Question 3: Postpartum harm, resentment, and in-law boundaries 31:28 – Healthy vs toxic resentment explained 32:31 – Lowering the pedestal and grieving lost trust 33:29 – Peacemakers, people-pleasing, and boundary collapse 34:25 – Why boundaries must be specific, not vague 35:38 – Testing alignment with your partner 36:40 – Empathy as the key to shared boundaries 38:17 – Examining your partner's "math" around harm 39:26 – Repair vs boundaries with parents and in-laws 40:10 – When to stop pursuing reconciliation 40:53 – Role-playing boundaries before conflict happens 41:52 – Helping a peacemaking partner build empathy –––––––––––––––––– This episode is especially relevant if you feel stuck between leaving and hoping, or if you're questioning whether change is real or simply temporary relief. Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/ Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/ Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

46 min

01/05/2023

When They Shut Down, When They Stall, and When You Carry Too Much

Episode 7 dives deep into attachment dynamics, shutdown, commitment anxiety, and the hidden costs of people-pleasing. Kim answers listener questions about anxious–avoidant relationships, silent treatment, marriage timelines, and the martyr complex, with a focus on responsibility, boundaries, and realistic decision-making. This episode is for anyone who feels stuck chasing clarity, carrying more than their share, or waiting for someone else to change. Topics include attachment theory explained simply, why anxious and avoidant partners are drawn to each other, how stonewalling differs from the silent treatment, and how martyrdom quietly erodes self-respect and relationships. –––––––––––––––––– Time Stamps 00:00 – Listener questions: shutdown in conflict, marriage pressure, martyr complex 01:00 – What attachment theory actually explains 02:10 – The four attachment styles and how they form 04:18 – How attachment styles show up in adult relationships 08:34 – Why people mislabel themselves as "secure" 10:00 – Moving past attachment labels toward secure functioning 10:29 – Why anxious and avoidant partners find each other 12:02 – Anxious–avoidant conflict and chronic shutdown 13:23 – Stonewalling vs the silent treatment (Gottman framework) 14:44 – Why breaks longer than 24 hours cause harm 16:49 – How anxious partners unintentionally reinforce shutdown 18:00 – When you've done all you can and nothing changes 20:29 – Deciding what you can live with 23:25 – Marriage timelines and commitment resistance 25:23 – "If you loved me, you would…" and weak arguments 27:21 – Fear, attachment, and self-sabotage around commitment 29:56 – The risk of forcing readiness 31:55 – Resentment as the real long-term threat 33:35 – What a martyr complex really is 36:17 – How suffering becomes tied to worth 38:28 – Faulty "martyr math" and unmet expectations 40:29 – Martyrdom, trauma, and low self-esteem 42:14 – Why misery feels safer than happiness 43:43 – Challenging beliefs and learning to say no 46:17 – Resentment, manipulation, and people-pleasing 47:59 – Closing reflections and community resources –––––––––––––––––– If this episode resonates, consider sharing it with someone who feels stuck in the same patterns. Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/ Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/ Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

50 min

08/04/2023

Empathy Without Fixing: Grief, Emotional Support, and Breaking Self-Sabotage

In Episode 6, Kim is joined by relationship coach Mason O'Sullivan to answer listener questions about empathy, emotional support, grief, and long-standing self-sabotage patterns. This episode focuses on one of the most common breakdowns in relationships: trying to fix emotions instead of understanding them. Kim and Mason unpack why empathy is not agreement, why problem-solving too fast makes partners feel alone, and how learning to sit with discomfort can change the entire tone of a relationship. The conversation also explores how to show up for someone who is grieving when you feel awkward or unsure what to do, and how to begin untangling self-sabotaging behaviors that have been in place for years, especially when disability, shame, or past mistakes are involved. –––––––––––––––––– Time Stamps & Topics 00:00 – Listener questions preview • Struggling to empathize instead of fixing • Supporting someone who is grieving or sad • Long-term self-sabotage and accountability 01:00 – Introduction to Mason O'Sullivan and his coaching background 02:30 – Why people seek coaching and therapy 03:35 – Creating safe spaces for vulnerability 04:30 – Finding your voice, identity, and boundaries 06:05 – What authenticity actually means 07:25 – People-pleasing and not knowing your needs 08:57 – Question 1: "I don't know how to empathize if I can't fix it" 10:23 – The urge to problem-solve and prove value 11:26 – Empathy vs sympathy explained 12:33 – Why solutions often miss the point 13:36 – Guessing needs vs asking directly 14:50 – Role play: what not to do 16:22 – Why reassurance can still feel invalidating 17:44 – Role play: responding with empathy 19:36 – Paraphrasing emotions and checking understanding 21:02 – Empathy is not agreement 22:30 – How validation opens the door to repair 24:09 – When and how to move into solutions 25:42 – Question 2: Supporting someone who is grieving or sad 26:35 – Awkwardness, nervous laughter, and discomfort 27:45 – Why grief is hard to sit with 28:21 – Letting someone lead with what they need 29:14 – Holding space instead of fixing 30:10 – Why silence can be supportive 31:10 – Grief, avoidance, and freezing time 32:42 – Talking through grief as healing 34:11 – Exploring your relationship with sadness 36:10 – Question 3: Breaking a decade of self-sabotage 37:41 – Disability vs avoidance as a coping strategy 39:13 – Realistic goals and self-assessment 40:08 – Self-fulfilling prophecies and sabotage 41:31 – Choice, agency, and accountability 42:22 – Core beliefs and self-worth 43:34 – Forgiveness, mistakes, and lovability 45:24 – Awareness as the first interruption 46:03 – Self-sabotage as predictability and protection 47:25 – Leaving before being left 48:37 – Encouragement and counting progress –––––––––––––––––– This episode is especially helpful if you've been told you're "bad at empathy," feel helpless around grief, or recognize patterns of self-sabotage you're ready to change. Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/ Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/ Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

52 min

Engineering Love

Why Eating Disorders Are Not About Food

Thinking About Divorce? What to Know Before You Call a Lawyer

Why Insight Isn't Enough to Change Your Behavior

Procrastination: Why You Avoid What Matters Most

Why They Shut Down and You Start Doubting Yourself

Why Their "Change" Feels Fake: Trauma Bonds, Betrayal, and the Illusion of Repair

When They Shut Down, When They Stall, and When You Carry Too Much

Empathy Without Fixing: Grief, Emotional Support, and Breaking Self-Sabotage

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Engineering Love

Episodes

Why Eating Disorders Are Not About Food

Thinking About Divorce? What to Know Before You Call a Lawyer

Why Insight Isn't Enough to Change Your Behavior

Procrastination: Why You Avoid What Matters Most

Why They Shut Down and You Start Doubting Yourself

Why Their "Change" Feels Fake: Trauma Bonds, Betrayal, and the Illusion of Repair

When They Shut Down, When They Stall, and When You Carry Too Much

Empathy Without Fixing: Grief, Emotional Support, and Breaking Self-Sabotage

About

Information

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