Pleasure Uprising: Desire, Attachment, and the Sex You Actually Want

Laura Jurgens, Ph.D.
  • 5.0 (2)
  • Sexuality
  • Updated Weekly

Formerly The Desire Gap Podcast Most people who feel disconnected from their desire, their pleasure, or their partners have spent years assuming something is wrong with them. It isn't. The disconnection is real — but it traces back to what most of us were never taught: how to be in our bodies fully, how to connect to each other authentically, how to know and ask for what we need without guilt or shame. Culture shapes that — the broader culture we inherit, and the family we grew up in — and it can be unlearned. Pleasure, secure attachment, and authentic desire are your birthright. You can learn what you were never taught — and unlearn what got in the way. Dr. Laura Jurgens is a somatic sex and intimacy specialist, Master Certified Intimacy Coach, American Board of Sexology Certified Sex Educator, and former research professor whose work sits at the intersection of nervous system science, attachment theory, and genuine embodied pleasure. Every episode delivers the somatic, body-based tools that generic relationship advice and most therapists miss entirely — because desire, pleasure, and connection aren't fixed by talking more. They're fixed by giving your body and your nervous system reparative experiences and embodied practices that shift you out of your past.  This show covers: getting out of your head during sex · low libido and what actually helps · somatic and nervous system approaches to intimacy · desire discrepancy and mismatched libido · secure attachment and relationship repair · sexual shame and body disconnection · how to talk about sex without fighting · ADHD and desire · the orgasm gap and why it exists · reclaiming pleasure on your own terms. Whether you've tried therapy, books, or just quietly wondering why intimacy feels harder than it should — this show will help you understand why those things don't move the needle — and what does. New episodes weekly. Start wherever you are. Free resource: Get Out of Your Head — A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guideWheel of Erotic Emotions: https;//laurajurgens.com/wheelFor deeper analysis and the research behind desire, arousal, and attachment -- plus a chance to ask me questions, subscribe to my Substack: https://laurajurgens.substack.com/

  1. 3 days ago

    Even Light Power Play Needs a Negotiation (Here's How to Make It Sexy)

    Most people who are experimenting with power play and BDSM aren't doing anything extreme. They're just two people who trust each other, trying to "spice it up." But skipping the negotiation conversation because it feels like it has to be a mood killer is a rookie move that can lead to real problems.  I'm not talking bruises here, I'm talking about emotional distance, shut down, and loss of libido.  This episode is built around a real couple — smart, communicative, good at relationships — who did years of power play without ever having a proper negotiation conversation, because they both assumed that trusting each other was enough. It wasn't. The fallout was a sexless relationship, nervous system shutdown, and a lot of hurt that took real work to untangle.  I want to help you avoid that entirely. Whether you're using restraints, doing impact, or just soft-topping: the negotiation is the first scene. Done right, it's not a clipboard and a liability waiver — it's where the anticipation starts, where you find out what your partner actually wants, where you start co-creating something that's going to be really, really good. This episode is about how to do that. In this episode: Why smart, aware people keep skipping BDSM negotiation — and what it actually costs themWhat subspace is, why your prefrontal cortex goes offline in it, and why that means the bottom has to be an architect of the negotiation, not a passengerThe real difference between topping/bottoming and dom/sub dynamics (and why accidentally agreeing to the wrong one causes relationship problems)How to make the negotiation desire-forward, not just limit-focused — starting with how you want to feel, who you want to be, and what energy from a partner opens you upWhy aftercare isn't an afterthought, and how to talk about it before you playWhere to find real community and credible resources if you want to go deeperWhether you're kink-curious or have been playing for years, this one's worth your time. Resources mentioned:  Yes, No, Maybe Lists from various sources (pick your favorite):  Babeland: https://www.babeland.com/babe-blog/how-tos/yes-no-maybe/ Bex Caputo: https://www.bextalkssex.com/yes-no-maybe/ Sunny Megatron: https://sunnymegatron.com/consent-sexual-boundaries-yesnomaybe/ Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Pleasure Path Diagnostic here: https://laurajurgens.com/diagnostic/ About me, testimonials, blog, bookings: https://laurajurgens.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

    39 min

  2. 15 June

    Joy and Pleasure After Sexual Self-Abandonment

    Sexual self-abandonment is what happens when we stop having sex for ourselves. We may or may not actually stop having sex -- we might be doing it for someone else. For their desire, on their timeline, their idea of what sex should look like, while our own wants, our own pace, our own boundaries quietly went missing somewhere along the way. That's what this episode is about. How we get there — there are three really common pathways, and I've lived through all three myself — and more importantly, how to find your way back to your own body, your own desires, and your own pleasure. This episode is about hope, and about a door that's still open to you no matter how long you've been on the other side of it. In this episode: The three pathways into sexual self-abandonment — through approval-seeking, through abusive relationships, and through trauma and dissociation — and why they so often overlapWhy "sacred sexuality" group spaces can actually be dangerous if you haven't done this work yetThe six steps back to yourself, including the grief that's part of the process (and why that grief is a good sign, not a setback)What it actually means to come home to your own body, your own erotic self, and your own yes and no — and why that's the foundation everything else gets built onTopics: sexual self-abandonment, somatic sex coaching, sexual trauma recovery, de-shaming, erotic self, intimacy coach, body-based healing, dissociation, reconnecting with your body, feminist sex coach Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Pleasure Path Diagnostic here: https://laurajurgens.com/diagnostic/ About me, testimonials, blog, bookings: https://laurajurgens.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

    29 min

  3. 8 June

    What Two Feminist Relationship Coaches See in Heated Rivalry, with Maggie Reyes

    It's Pride Month, and I am celebrating with my dear friend and fellow feminist relationship coach Maggie Reyes by doing something I've been wanting to do anyway: sit down and talk about Heated Rivalry — the show, the books, why we love them, and what they actually teach us about real relationships. Beware: There be spoilers ahead, matey.  This is a fun one, and it goes deeper than fangirling. Maggie and I both coach on many of the dynamics this show depicts — vulnerability, shame, the cost of hiding your real desires, and what happens when someone finally has the courage to go first. We talk about how we can all learn from this show through that lens. In this episode: Why the closet dynamic in Heated Rivalry is a perfect illustration of how shame works, and how to heal itTurning toward vs. turning away: what Shane and Ilya get right (eventually) and what costs them yearsWhat Scott and Kip's relationship models that most couples never figure outWhy vulnerability requires someone going first — and how to do it without it backfiringThe cottage episode as a masterclass in why time and play matter as much as hard conversationsWhat women's response to this show tells us about desire, representation, and who mainstream sexual culture has never been built forThe communication pitfall that we both want to warn you offMaggie Reyes is a master certified life coach, feminist marriage coach, and host of the Marriage Life Coach podcast. Find her at maggiereyes.com. Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Pleasure Path Diagnostic here: https://laurajurgens.com/diagnostic/ About me, testimonials, blog, bookings: https://laurajurgens.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

    1hr 4min

  4. 1 June

    From Avoiding Sex to Loving It: Real Client Data

    If you've been wondering whether your sex life can actually be different, this is the evidence. This episode is like the before and after photos you've been needing that real people get real change.  We're going into details about specific goals and what actually changes when people do real, structured work on desire, intimacy, and connection. Not inspiration. Not theory. Real people, real goals, real numbers — tracked from start to finish.  In this episode: What people who come to somatic intimacy coaching actually say they want — and how many have already tried therapy, books, and everything elseWhy going from a 1 to an 8 in fulfillment on "fun, enjoyable sex" in six months is possible even when you've never been there beforeHow desire discrepancy works when both partners get support — and why it's never just one person's problemWhat shifts for higher-desire partners who struggle with self-worthWhy coaching moves the needle when other approaches haven't — and what the Pleasure Path Method actually looks like step by stepGet my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Pleasure Path Diagnostic here: https://laurajurgens.com/diagnostic/ About me, testimonials, blog, bookings: https://laurajurgens.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

    37 min

  5. 25 May

    The Last Place High Achievers Give Themselves Permission

    You've solved harder problems than this. So why is this one still stuck? This episode is for the high achievers who have done real work on themselves — the therapy, the books, the hard conversations — and still can't get traction when it comes to desire, intimacy, and their closest relationships. It's not because you haven't tried hard enough. It's because you've been using the wrong tools for the wrong system. In this episode: Why capable, self-sufficient people are often the last to get help with intimacy — and why that costs them the mostThe cultural lie that you're supposed to just know how to do sex and relationships (and why it makes zero sense)Top-down vs. body-up: why cognitive tools and talk therapy can't reach what's actually stuckWhy "trying harder" and "knowing more" can fool you into thinking they'll eventually work for everythingWhat somatic, body-based work actually reaches — and what changes when you find the right tool for the real problemTopics: high achievers, intimacy, somatic sex coaching, low libido, desire, nervous system, body shame, sex therapy, intimacy coach, relationship help Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Pleasure Path Diagnostic here: https://laurajurgens.com/diagnostic/ About me, testimonials, blog, bookings: https://laurajurgens.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

    38 min

  6. 18 May

    Coming Home to Your Body: What Sexual Embodiment Actually Feels Like

    Most people who feel disconnected from their desire, their body, or their partner aren't broken. They're just exiled — from themselves. And nobody ever taught them the way back. This episode is about what it actually feels like when you find it. The felt sense of coming home to your own body's sexuality — as a resource, a grounding force, and the place from which real confidence, real connection, and real intimacy become possible. I was skeptical this even existed. Then my teacher demonstrated it on me with nothing but eye contact — and my body responded before my brain could catch up. In this episode: What sexual energy actually is — grounded, demystified, no woo requiredWhy most of us have it locked away (and what that actually feels like from the inside)The breathwork and mind-body practice that opened it up for me — and how I now use it with clientsWhat becomes possible from this place: confidence, connection, intensity, and desire that doesn't require performanceWhy this isn't something you have to earn or learn from scratch — you already have itA note on group settings, charismatic facilitators, and who this actually belongs to (you)If you've ever felt like you were performing intimacy instead of inhabiting it — this one's for you. Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Pleasure Path Diagnostic here: https://laurajurgens.com/diagnostic/ About me, testimonials, blog, bookings: https://laurajurgens.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

    30 min

  7. 11 May

    The Cult Dynamics Hiding Inside "Sacred Sexuality" Spaces — with Anke Richter

    You don't have to join a compound to end up in a high-control group. Sometimes it starts with a neo-tantra festival. A weekend workshop. A community that feels like finally, finally, you found your people. Anke Richter is an international cult journalist, author of the bestseller Cult Trip (HarperCollins), and founder of Decult — the first cult awareness conference in Australasia. She spent six years inside ISTA (International School of Temple Arts) before becoming one of its most informed critics. She's also researched Centrepoint, Osho/Rajneeshpuram, and OneTaste firsthand. This is Part 2 of a series. Start with the previous episode "The Men Behind Sexual Polarity Have A Lot to Answer For" — or read the full article on Substack (link below). In this episode: Why smart, educated, well-resourced people end up in cults — and the myth that it couldn't happen to youWhat actually makes something a high-control group (and why "you can leave any time" doesn't disqualify it)How ISTA and similar neo-tantra spaces specifically target ex-evangelicals and ex-Mormons leaving purity cultureThe slippery slope from a weekend workshop to deeper entanglement — and what the escalation actually looks likeOsho/Rajneeshpuram as the ideological origin of modern neo-tantra — and the documented child sexual abuse that history includesThe playbook: how spiritual framing gets used to override consent and silence complaints"Acting from your wounding" and "stuck in victim consciousness" — the specific language used to shut down resistanceThe veneer of consent: why trauma-informed language and consent frameworks can be used as coverWhy the word "victim" gets weaponized in these spaces — and why that needs to stopHow David Deida's sexual polarity ideology functioned as a gateway into neo-tantra spaces for a generation of people, and why it is harmfulResources mentioned: Cult Trip by Anke Richter — available wherever books are sold Anke Richter: https://ankerichter.net Decult — cult awareness conference and resources: https://decult.net Red Flags in Workshops — free consent-forward resource for participants and facilitators: https://redflagsinworkshops.com Part 1 — Have You Been Sold the Patriarchy's Version of "The Divine Feminine"?  https://open.substack.com/pub/laurajurgens/p/have-you-been-sold-the-patriarchysGet my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Pleasure Path Diagnostic here: https://laurajurgens.com/diagnostic/ About me, testimonials, blog, bookings: https://laurajurgens.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

    50 min

  8. 4 May

    The Men Behind "Sexual Polarity" Have a Lot to Answer For

    If you've ever left a sacred sexuality workshop feeling worse about yourself than when you walked in — or heard a friend blame herself for not being "receptive enough" — this episode is for you. Sexual polarity teachings are everywhere right now. They promise to unlock your feminine energy, reignite desire, and deepen connection. Sounds great. The reality is different. They're built on a foundation of made-up science, cultural theft, and a paper trail that leads somewhere deeply problematic. They are also actively causing harm.  In this episode I'm mapping exactly where this ideology came from, who's profiting from it, and what it's actually doing to women's desire, relationships, and sense of self — because I see the damage in my practice every single day. In this episode: Why "sexual polarity" isn't ancient wisdom or real science — and how it borrows language from physics to sound legitimateDavid Deida, Tony Robbins, and Deepak Chopra — the men profiting and what their paper trail actually showsThe Osho/neo-tantra origins: why the history of this ideology goes back to documented child sexual abuse in cult communesWhy the OneTaste sentencing matters — and what Nicole Daedone's case tells us about who enforces patriarchal ideologyWhat women are actually hungry for that polarity coaching hijacks and exploitsThe difference between genuine erotic power play and a grooming script dressed as spiritualityHow to recognize a genuinely qualified practitioner — and what red flags look like in these spacesThis is part one of a two-part series. Next episode I'm joined by journalist and cult researcher Anke Richter, author of Cult Trip, for a conversation on sex cults, ISTA, and the darker end of this spectrum. Resources mentioned: Full article with sources and resources: https://open.substack.com/pub/laurajurgens/p/have-you-been-sold-the-patriarchys?utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=webBarbara Carrellas' Urban Tantra: barbaracarrellas.comMidori on consent-forward BDSM: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLaxv6fBRPDep5NIrLfjEUNzmPtY4Ax5CNGet my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Pleasure Path Diagnostic here: https://laurajurgens.com/diagnostic/ About me, testimonials, blog, bookings: https://laurajurgens.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

    38 min
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Ratings & Reviews

5
out of 5
2 Ratings

About

Formerly The Desire Gap Podcast Most people who feel disconnected from their desire, their pleasure, or their partners have spent years assuming something is wrong with them. It isn't. The disconnection is real — but it traces back to what most of us were never taught: how to be in our bodies fully, how to connect to each other authentically, how to know and ask for what we need without guilt or shame. Culture shapes that — the broader culture we inherit, and the family we grew up in — and it can be unlearned. Pleasure, secure attachment, and authentic desire are your birthright. You can learn what you were never taught — and unlearn what got in the way. Dr. Laura Jurgens is a somatic sex and intimacy specialist, Master Certified Intimacy Coach, American Board of Sexology Certified Sex Educator, and former research professor whose work sits at the intersection of nervous system science, attachment theory, and genuine embodied pleasure. Every episode delivers the somatic, body-based tools that generic relationship advice and most therapists miss entirely — because desire, pleasure, and connection aren't fixed by talking more. They're fixed by giving your body and your nervous system reparative experiences and embodied practices that shift you out of your past.  This show covers: getting out of your head during sex · low libido and what actually helps · somatic and nervous system approaches to intimacy · desire discrepancy and mismatched libido · secure attachment and relationship repair · sexual shame and body disconnection · how to talk about sex without fighting · ADHD and desire · the orgasm gap and why it exists · reclaiming pleasure on your own terms. Whether you've tried therapy, books, or just quietly wondering why intimacy feels harder than it should — this show will help you understand why those things don't move the needle — and what does. New episodes weekly. Start wherever you are. Free resource: Get Out of Your Head — A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guideWheel of Erotic Emotions: https;//laurajurgens.com/wheelFor deeper analysis and the research behind desire, arousal, and attachment -- plus a chance to ask me questions, subscribe to my Substack: https://laurajurgens.substack.com/

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