The Albo Diaries

Rupert Degas
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The private diary of Australia's Prime Minister, Anthony Albanese. Leaked weekly. Read by the man himself. (Not really.) rupertdegas.substack.com

Episodes

  1. The Albo Diaries - Week 6

    5 DAYS AGO

    The Albo Diaries - Week 6

    "In 2003 I stood in parliament and quoted Hermann Goering against these exact laws. Now they’re mine. Which is growth." Get full access to Rupert Degas at rupertdegas.substack.com/subscribe

    7 min
  2. The Albo Diaries - Week 5

    6 APR

    The Albo Diaries - Week 5

    "Chris sent petrol. The farmers need diesel. Twenty million people know the difference, except the Energy Minister, and me too quite frankly." Get full access to Rupert Degas at rupertdegas.substack.com/subscribe

    5 min
  3. The Albo Diaries - Week 4

    30 MAR

    The Albo Diaries - Week 4

    The Prime Minister keeps a diary. He calls it his ‘legacy document’. You are not supposed to be reading this. His office describes it as “a fabrication.” But to be fair, his office describes most things as a fabrication, so make of that what you will.Dear Diary. Jodie’s cancelled Easter. She said there’s no point driving anywhere if you might not get back. I said that’s defeatist. She said it’s maths – “Anthony.” She does that. Uses my name when she’s done calculating. And I haven’t started.Tried to fill up on Monday. Servo in Manuka. Twenty-three cars. I joined the queue like a normal person. Geoff said we could take the Commonwealth car. I said “no Geoff, this is solidarity.” He said the Commonwealth car runs on LPG. S**t. Nobody tells me anything. The one on Adelaide Avenue had bags over the nozzles. Little plastic bags. Like party hats for petrol pumps. I sat there for eleven minutes. Nobody recognised me thank goodness. Then a woman in a Kluger gave me the finger for cutting in. I wasn’t cutting in. I was governing. She had a bumper sticker that said ‘Not My PM.’ She was clearly far-right. I wrote down her numberplate. Then I lost the pen.Question Time was… fine. Tony and I had a laugh. We were laughing at the question, not the suffering, which is a distinction Jodie says doesn’t exist. Andrew Hastie gave me that look. You know the one, like a disappointed Labrador who’s done three tours. I know what he was thinking. Everyone was thinking it. Then Angus goes outside to a 7-Eleven, a bloody 7-Eleven!, and announces he’ll halve the excise. Three months. No sweat. He stood there with Canavan like two blokes ordering a flat white and said it’d save families fifty bucks a week. I find that deeply suspicious. Nobody is that calm during a crisis unless they’ve already done the sums and know you’re finished. And what do they want to pay for it? Scrap the EV subsidies. Which I can’t allow. Because I said - and I was very proud of this - “I don’t think there’s anyone who bought an electric vehicle who’s regretting their decision.” I said that at a press conference. While diesel is three dollars. Jodie heard it on the ABC. She said, “Anthony, there are four hundred thousand EV owners and forty-four million litres of diesel burned every day. Who are you governing for?” I said the future. She closed the fridge. Sometimes I think the sound of that fridge door closing has become a sort of full stop in our marital conversations.Chris went to a climate conference in Brisbane. During the crisis. He’s also chief negotiator for COP. So while half the country can’t fill a ute, Chris is in Queensland talking about wind. The wind is free, apparently. Try putting wind in a Kenworth. Actually, don’t tell Chris I said that. He’ll commission a study. And then find a way to make it work. He’ll stand in front of a camera and say “the transition is ahead of schedule” while a bloke behind him siphons diesel out of a tractor. When Chris came back, he lowered the fuel standards, so we can sell dirtier petrol. Which was interesting. High-sulphur stuff that was supposed to be exported to countries with lower standards. Now it’s ours. How good is that? Monday we’re doing National Cabinet. Voluntary mandates. Work from home. Carpool. Save petrol. Which is NOT the same as Stay Home, Stay Safe. Same words. Same order. Completely different. I told the press we’d learned the lessons of COVID. What I meant is we’ve learned how to do it again but better, and with a new font.Meanwhile Donald says we’re “not great.” Excuse me mate? He grouped us with Britain. On television. In a cabinet meeting. I told the press I’d enjoyed a very constructive relationship with Trump. Then I mentioned we weren’t even consulted before they bombed Iran, which made Geoff do that thing he does with both his eyebrows. You don’t leave a bloke off the group chat and then blame him for not bringing a plate. Right?Some good news though – I signed the EU deal with Ursula van Diemen’s Land on Tuesday. Lovely woman. She flew all the way from Brussels and I gave her a jar of Vegemite. She looked at me like I’d handed her evidence. Good deal though. I think. Eight years it took. We lost feta. And gruyere. Which hurts. But we kept parmesan and kransky and Prosecco, which is the main thing. Cheaper pasta and biscuits at the checkout. So while nobody can drive to Woolies, they’ll be able to walk there and buy cheaper biscotti. That’s vision! Don Farrell cried tough – which was weird. He cries at every trade deal though to be fair. He cried at the India one. He cried at the Indonesia one. I think he just likes crying. He should teach Littleproud. That boy needs lessons.Ended the week with a long bath. Still trying to work out the VPN. I thought about how we closed our own refineries to save the planet, and now the planet’s on fire, and we’re buying American diesel to drive to the fires. That’s not irony. That’s transition. I asked Jim if that was ironic. He said it was structural. I nodded. I have no idea what structural means when it’s not a building. Jim patted me on the shoulder on his way out. He’s never done that before. That’s either compassion or a goodbye. I couldn’t tell which. Ate some aged Comte before bed. Thought about Jodie saying “it’s maths, Anthony.” Thought about Angus at the 7-Eleven, calm as anything. He scares me. Not in the Canavan way. Canavan scares me like a bull scares a matador. Angus scares me like an accountant who’s already found the receipt. Oh well. Cola-banana awaits! If I can bloody get there! I remain, as always, on the right side of history. History has not confirmed this yet. But it will. Get full access to Rupert Degas at rupertdegas.substack.com/subscribe

    7 min

  4. 23 MAR

    The Albo Diaries - Week 3

    The Prime Minister keeps a diary. He calls it his ‘legacy document’. You are not supposed to be reading this. His office describes it as “a fabrication.” But to be fair, his office describes most things as a fabrication, so make of that what you will. Dear Diary. Somebody kissed my forehead at the footy on Friday and I let they/them. AJ broke the all-time try-scoring record and I was on that field before security could blink. With the people. My people. Like Whitlam at the steps. Like Hawke at the Cup. Thirty thousand screaming fans and me, running, sweating, grinning like a man who’s just been told he’s won something. Which I haven’t. Not lately. But it felt like it. Security called it a breach. I called it democracy. It was very diverse. A lawyer went on the radio saying they can’t fine the fans without fining me. Five and a half grand. Fine me then. I’ll pay it with the fuel excise. That’s the Australian way! Ah, the fuel excise. The more they pay at the pump, the more we collect. I know I shouldn’t enjoy that. But I do enjoy it. I enjoy it very much. Quietly. In the diary. Jim wants a rebate before the budget. Well, let’s not be hasty. Meanwhile everyone’s blaming me for fuel prices. Me! Ships are on fire. A strait is closed. But it’s Albo’s fault that diesel’s three bucks, and the farmers don’t care. F**k the farmers. They’re all voting for Pauline now anyway. And they smell of cows. Michelle put rates up again. Second month running. Fourteen increases under me. Fourteen. Morrison had one. Abbott, Turnbull and Morrison combined had one. But that’s not context, apparently. That’s just a graphic people share. Jim and Penny came in looking like pallbearers. Jim said demand is outstripping supply. I said what about the war? He said inflation was already too high before the war. I said well why didn’t you fix it before the war then, Jim. He opened his mouth. Then he closed it. Then he left. Then Penny looked at me in that way she looks at me sometimes. Is it pity? Or does she ‘like’ me? It’s hard to tell. Lakemba. Christ almighty. Tony and I went to the mosque on Friday for Eid. End of Ramadan. Sacred. Peaceful. Fifteen minutes in, a bloke starts screaming “Get out!” Another one calls me a putrid dog. A putrid dog. At Eid. A security guard tackled someone to the floor. They’re all screaming “Shame!” as we leave. Look. These people haven’t eaten in a month. I get it. Thirty days without food. They’re hangry. That’s a real condition. I get hangry when I skip lunch. And I’m the Prime Minister. Imagine doing it for thirty days. You’d call anyone a putrid dog wouldn’t you? Jodie says the photos make me look terrified. I wasn’t terrified. That’s Islamophobia. Which is an irrational fear. My fear was very rational. I was scared bloody shitless to be honest. But here’s the thing. And I’m only writing this because nobody reads this. I recognised Palestine - I lost the Jewish vote. I backed Israel against Iran - I lost the Muslim vote. And the punters reckon I sold out true blue Aussies, while chasing Muslim preferences in western Sydney - so I’ve lost the rest of them too. Three. Three demographics at once. I didn’t even know that was possible. It’s like bowling three wickets with one ball except the stumps are on fire and nobody’s clapping. But for some positive news - South Australia. How good is preferential voting? One Nation came second in the popular vote, with nearly 25% of the vote, but picked up only one seat (so far) to our thirty-two seats. That’s equity. And even better - the Liberals came in third. Their numbers are so small it’s practically a podcast audience. Australia loves me. Australia loves Labor. Of that there is no doubt.I did have a horrible thought in the bath yesterday though. What if Pauline’s been right? About all of it? For thirty bloody years? I sat there in that tepid soapy water, cleaning my unmentionables, and it was like being hit by a bus you’ve seen coming since 1996. Then I told myself, nah mate, she’s the fish and chip shop lady from Ipswich and you’re the bloody Prime Minister. From public housing. Six seven. Which got me counting. Fourteen rate rises, three lost demographics, one putrid dog, and a far-right, flame-haired, racist who wants to take us back to the Australia of the 50s and 60s, and who actually might be right about everything. I decided I’m still the best option. By elimination. So I ate some brie, and went to bed. Didn’t sleep. I remain, as always, on the right side of history. History has not confirmed this yet. But it will. Inshallah. Get full access to Rupert Degas at rupertdegas.substack.com/subscribe

    5 min

  5. 9 MAR

    The Albo Diaries - Week 1

    The Prime Minister keeps a diary. He calls it his ‘legacy document’. You are not supposed to be reading this. His office describes it as "a fabrication." But to be fair, his office describes most things as a fabrication, so make of that what you will. Dear Diary. Woke up last Monday morning feeling historic. Not for any specific reason. Not because it was my birthday or anything. Just a general sense that history is occurring and I’m at the centre of it. Which is correct. I’m the Prime Minister. The Middle East is serious. I don’t know much about the situation, and I can’t decide which side is safe yet, but I’ve deployed military assets. Some people want to know what assets, going where, and doing what exactly. What I said to those people is “thank you.” Publicly. At a press conference. With flags. You don’t get more transparent than a public thanking with flags. Penny was magnificent in Senate estimates. They asked if Australians were on the submarine that torpedoed that Iranian warship. She said that’s a matter for the United States. She just sat there. Looking fed up as usual. She’s like a very well-dressed wall that one. Unmovable. Magnificent. I sometimes think Penny would have made an excellent Prime Minister. Then I remember I’m the Prime Minister, which is better. And she knows that too. Boundaries. Mark Carney came on Wednesday. He’s a good man. He doesn’t scare me. We signed heaps of minerals agreements. Between us we now have enough lithium to power the revolution. Well, the energy transition. It’s the same thing really. Spiritually. Mark looked at me in a funny way when I said that. He's a banker so he understands transitions. Maybe he doesn’t understand me. Or possibly he was blinking. Hard to tell. He told me Donald Trump responds well to directness. I said “Mark, look, I’ve always been very direct with Trump.” He gave me that Canadian smile. Technically warm. But somehow slightly off. Like margarine. Maybe it’s the banker in him. I don’t know if I trust him actually. Now, the dark forces thing. What I said was that Pauline Hanson appeals to our darkest forces. I wasn’t calling her supporters dark forces. I was identifying the forces. That happen to be dark. That’s grammatically distinct. And that’s important. Karl Stefanovic played the clip back to me and I explained this to him. Not in an arrogant and condescending way. In a factual way. He looked at the camera. I don’t like it when he looks at the camera. What’s his game anyway? I don’t know if I trust him either. And now One Nation has launched merchandise. Dark forces merchandise. Star Wars themed. Jodie saw a bloke wearing a ‘Dark Forces’ hoodie at the IGA. I told her she should have engaged with him and explained the distinction. She ignored me and put the milk in the fridge. Sometimes a fridge door closing can be a complete sentence in our house. And the week ended with a great night out at the Lakemba night markets - how good is Ramadan! Although I gotta say, I prefer a good Christmas ham. Spicy food gives me the runs. Make a note to NOT tell the mayor of Canterbury Bankstown. Because social cohesion. And votes. Salam alaykum. On Sunday I had a long bath and thought about my legacy. About the forces of history. Which are not dark, but are complex. That’s an important distinction. And I am navigating them. Look, one day someone will write about this week and say, “Albo deployed the assets, signed the minerals deal, was misquoted by a has-been on a podcast, ate a few sambusas, and handled it all with considerable grace.” They will say that. One day. Eventually. I’ve asked the office to start a file. I remain, as always, on the right side of history. History has not confirmed this yet. But it will. Get full access to Rupert Degas at rupertdegas.substack.com/subscribe

    4 min
  • 5 Episodes

About

The private diary of Australia's Prime Minister, Anthony Albanese. Leaked weekly. Read by the man himself. (Not really.) rupertdegas.substack.com

Information

  • Creator
    Rupert Degas
  • Years Active
    2k
  • Episodes
    5
  • Rating
    Clean
  • Copyright
    © Rupert Degas
  • Show Website
    The Albo Diaries

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