⛪ Testimony Turns Into an Exorcism A young girl at church says she is thankful for her stepmother, then wisely stops before explaining why. The congregation refuses to allow unfinished gratitude. She is ordered to take the microphone again, compose herself and reveal the apparently dangerous second half of the sentence. The girl finally admits that her stepmother listens to her better than her biological mother. Her reward for honesty is an immediate spiritual emergency. ️ Mead Skelton Defeats Weather Mead Skelton announces “mission accomplished” after a Gulf Coast hurricane weakens, naturally crediting his personal rebuke and the power of prayer. Mead believes people can speak directly to storms, command them to downgrade and send them out to sea like disobedient weather children. Thousands of prayers apparently fail whenever hurricanes destroy communities, but Mead’s cloudy-day success rate remains conveniently impressive. Disorder Olympics and Headspace Hitler Adolf Hitler Gets a Makeover A self-described DID system member identifies as an introject of Adolf Hitler, although the headspace version has abandoned the familiar mustache and uniform. The redesigned Hitler now has messy hair, wolf ears and a tail because historical fascism apparently needed a furry expansion pack. The system cannot visualize symbols well, providing a remarkably practical reason for dropping the swastika. Hitler’s in-system girlfriend is named Birthday Cake, a pink cartoon-pony introject who asked him out despite the awkward opening line, “I’m Hitler.” ♿ Congratulations on Every Disability Another online personality rapidly lists EDS, POTS, MCAS, BPD, DID, autism, full-time wheelchair use, dietary restrictions, tattoos, piercings and polyamory. The speaker says they can move their legs but cannot walk, do not work and are no-contact with their parents. Commenters question why anyone would want to present disability as an identity competition, while others suggest it supplies attention and an external explanation for social rejection. The video ends with a thoughtful message for critics: get f****d. ️ Distorted News He Wants to Remarry the Woman Who Flushed His Penis A Brazilian man says he wants to remarry the ex-wife who cut off his penis with a razor blade and flushed it down the toilet after discovering his affair. Daiane dos Santos allegedly seduced Gilberto, restrained his hands with underwear and attacked his genitals while he was unable to move. She turned herself in, pleaded guilty and received a sentence of four years and eight months in prison. The couple divorced, but Gilberto continued visiting her in custody and contacted her after her early release for good behavior. Professor Puddles and the Urinated Backpack Former Macalester College professor Paul Fisher is charged with first-degree property damage after allegedly spilling urine onto a student’s backpack and belongings. The student left her table for roughly six minutes and returned to find her property soaked while Fisher was reportedly the only nearby person. The damaged backpack and its contents were valued at approximately $2,070, which is believable once college textbooks enter the splash zone. Campus officials had previously investigated urine discovered in trash cans, water bottles and professors’ decorations around the science building. Fisher admitted developing a habit of urinating into a cup and disposing of it in campus trash cans or laboratory sinks. Amazon Has Opinions About Your Ass Amazon’s About You feature uses purchases, searches, reviews, lists and Alexa interactions to construct surprisingly personal customer profiles. One shopper discovers that Amazon has concluded she “has flat buttocks”, possibly after interpreting a purchase of butt-scrunch leggings. Other customers are informed that they have no friends, cannot keep plants alive, distrust people or treat cats as biological children. Amazon identifies one person as attracted to muscular brunettes an
