"Between Chaos & Bedtime" the Podcast

Carignane von Pohle
  • 0,0 (0)
  • Santé mentale

Between Chaos & Bedtime is where I tell my story of being a dad with late-diagnosed ADHD. This podcast lives in the space most parents know well—the messy middle between work, parenting, and trying to hold it all together. Each episode is a voiceovers of my written stories—honest reflections on what’s working, what’s not, and what I’m still figuring out. It’s for anyone who wants the content but doesn’t have time to read (or maybe just doesn't like reading). You can listen in the car, on your way to work, or while life is happening around you. Down the road, I’ll bring in conversations with others. But for now, it’s just me, sharing the truth as I experience it. carignanevonpohle.substack.com

  1. 8 juil.

    When Your ADHD Never Gets a Break

    This past weekend was hard. And I wish I could say it was an anomaly, but unfortunately, hard weekends have become my norm. My wife works as a nurse. Thank goodness for that. If it weren’t for her steady, dependable career, our family would be in a very different situation. But one of the realities of her job is that every other weekend, I’m solo parenting our two kids. Those weekends don’t usually feel like anyone is thriving. More often, we’re just surviving. The Breaks I Didn’t Know I Had Before kids, I got breaks without even realizing they were breaks. A thirty-minute commute. A walk across campus at work. Sitting in my office for a few quiet minutes before the next meeting. None of those moments were remarkable, but they gave my brain permission to disengage. That’s the part I miss. It wasn’t simply being alone. It was knowing I wouldn’t be interrupted. For a few minutes, I could exhale. That’s one of the biggest challenges I’ve faced as a parent with ADHD: finding genuine downtime. And, when you’re the only parent home, it’s almost impossible to find those moments. Even if the kids are happily playing in another room, part of my brain never leaves them. My ears are always listening. My attention is always divided. I’m waiting for the next argument to referee, the next snack to prepare, the next “Dad!” shouted from somewhere in the house. It’s difficult to explain to someone who doesn’t have ADHD, but my brain rarely gets the chance to fully disengage, even under normal circumstances. When I’m solo parenting, it never pauses. Over several hours—or several days—that adds up. It’s like a kettle that slowly begins to boil until it finally boils over. I can never take it off the heat. “Just Step Away” I’ve heard all the advice for those moments: ”When you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, just step away.” That’s great, but what if the thing overwhelming you is on the other side of the door, knocking? What if there isn’t another adult to tag in? What if stepping away simply isn’t an option? The kind of rest my brain needs isn’t five interrupted minutes scrolling my phone. It’s uninterrupted time where my nervous system can let its guard down—when it doesn’t have to stay on alert. For a solo parent, that’s hard to come by. When Everything Feels Like a Decision Ironically, those weekends are usually the ones where I most want to get everyone out of the house. Staying home can start to feel like being trapped. But then my ADHD brain starts running through every possible scenario. Has everyone eaten recently? Do we need snacks? Water bottles? How much is this going to cost? Will we end up buying lunch? Does everyone have the right clothes? Should I clean the house before we leave so I don’t come home to an even bigger mess? None of those questions is unreasonable. It’s the fact that they all arrive at once when my executive function is already at it’s limit. Instead of helping me make a decision, they create gridlock. I overthink everything, second-guess every plan, and somehow end up just staying home in the chaos getting more mentally exhausted. And that usually leads to me making the same mistake over and over: I stay up too late trying to steal back a little time for myself. A couple of hours in front of the TV. A little doomscrolling. Anything that feels like it belongs only to me. Except it isn’t restorative. It just pushes my bedtime later, shortens my sleep, and leaves me waking up already depleted for the day ahead. Then I’m more impatient, more reactive, and far less equipped to be a good parent. It’s a cycle I’ve repeated more times than I’d like to admit. Sometimes There Isn’t a Hack I’m slowly learning one of the hardest lessons about living with ADHD. Not every problem has a clever strategy or productivity hack waiting to solve it. Sometimes you’re simply overwhelmed. Sometimes parenting is just really hard. Sometimes your ADHD brain has reached its limit. Recognizing that isn’t giving up. It’s being honest. Because once I can admit, “I’m overwhelmed,” I stop wasting energy pretending I should be handling it better, that I’m somehow failing at parenting and life. Then I can focus on the next small thing. Drink some water. Admit I need help and ask for it when it’s available. Go to bed earlier tonight instead of trying to reclaim the day. Cut myself some slack and start again tomorrow. I know I don’t always get it right. In fact, some weekends I get almost none of it right. But I’m learning that merely surviving those weekends doesn’t make me a bad parent. It makes me a parent with ADHD. And some weekends, doing my best is enough. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit carignanevonpohle.substack.com

  2. 1 juil.

    Your ADHD Brain Was Made to Move

    If you’ve been reading my series Managing ADHD in Real Life, you’ve probably noticed that I’ve mentioned exercise several times. That’s no mistake. In my experience, there are few things that help manage ADHD like moving my body. There’s plenty of good science to back up why exercise is so effective for managing ADHD. It’s worth checking out. I want to focus on the anecdotal evidence, share what’s worked for me, and show why every ADHDer should incorporate exercise into managing their symptoms. A Reminder of Why It Matters Last week, I was really struggling. I wasn’t sleeping well and woke up several mornings in a row with a tired feeling behind my eyes. That’s usually a good sign that the sleep I’m getting isn’t restorative. I can’t undersell the importance of sleep for an ADHD brain. I couldn’t figure out why I was having such a hard time, but then I realized I hadn’t been exercising with my usual consistency. Since my kids have been on summer break, I’ve been unable to swim with the same regularity. And let me tell you, I was feeling it. The lesson was clear: getting exercise ensures that by bedtime, my body and brain are ready to rest. Find Your Thing Staying consistent is all about finding something you’re willing to return to. It’s about finding something that you enjoy—finding something that’s not a burden. Because that’s one of the biggest challenges to overcome: how do I keep doing this? If you have to work to convince yourself to do it, maybe it’s not for you. There are already enough demands on your executive function on a daily basis. Don’t make overcoming your resistance to workout one of them. The first thing to recognize is there’s no “right way” to move your body. You don’t have to follow someone else’s plan that requires you to stand in front of a gym mirror for several hours at a time lifting weights. I can’t stand working out in a gym. It took me too long to realize that suffering through a gym workout was not the only way to do it. Maybe your thing isn’t gyms or sports at all. Maybe you’re into dancing. Maybe moving your body is just that—moving your body to music. ADHD brains don’t need the “perfect” workout. They need one they’ll actually do. The less friction between you and movement, the more likely it becomes part of your life. Rethinking Exercise As I’ve gotten older, I’ve also realized that my past motivation for exercising was all wrong. A lot of it was for vanity. I wanted to look good, and if the results weren’t coming fast enough, then I’d usually give it up. Now I realize the physical transformation that comes from exercise is icing on the cake. What I’m really getting is the benefits to my brain, my sleep, my stamina, my mobility. I overlooked so many of the benefits because I was solely focused on aesthetic results. It also just feels good to move your body regularly. I like feeling strong. I like feeling that my muscles are doing something. I like the feeling of sore muscles instead of stiff joints. And that’s a difference you get through exercise. That shift in perspective also changed the question I was asking. I stopped wondering what the “best” workout was and started asking what kind of movement I’d actually keep coming back to. For me, the answer was swimming. Why Swimming Works for Me I’ve mentioned swimming several times in this series, and I keep coming back to it because it’s the one thing that I’ve stuck with the longest. At the heart of it is my love of the water. But there are other reasons why it’s become my thing. I struggle when I have to do things alone. It’s hard for me to find motivation to go somewhere, by myself, and spend an hour suffering alone. If I can do it with other people, it’s going to be more successful. I’m also really good at talking myself out of things. I can come up with all kinds of excuses to not push myself or even show up. When I’m surrounded by other people—or I think about the people in my Masters group who would question why I didn’t show up—it’s a kind of peer pressure. Or maybe it’s called accountability. Either way, it works. There’s also not guesswork when it comes to swimming with a Masters group. You show up, the coach gives you the workout, and you do it. I don’t have to expend finite executive function on deciding what I’m going to do or for how long. I just follow along. A bonus is, as I get older, having an exercise that’s low impact and doesn’t hurt my aging body is a tremendous benefit. We Were Made to Move Exercise is crucial when it comes to regulating our nervous systems. I watch my kids and marvel at their boundless energy. I also marvel at the way they instinctively choose to move their bodies to help regulate themselves when they feel restless. My daughter climbs her indoor swing, hangs upside down, and runs laps around the house. She’s at her best when she’s free to move. It’s when she’s required to stay still for long periods that the challenges arise. I can relate. Somewhere along the way, we decide that adulthood means sitting still. We spend our days in cars, behind desks, and on couches, then wonder why our bodies and brains feel restless. The Real Lesson At the end of the day, moving your body is about far more than looking good in the mirror. It’s about sleeping better. Quieting your mind. Regulating your nervous system. Feeling strong. Remembering that your body was made to move. The question isn’t, “How do I motivate myself to exercise?” It’s, “What kind of movement makes me want to come back tomorrow?” Find that thing. Then protect it. Because if you have ADHD, exercise isn’t just another healthy habit. It’s one of the best tools you have. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit carignanevonpohle.substack.com

  3. 24 juin

    Not Everything Needs a Finish Line

    For most of my life, I believed that if something couldn’t be measured, completed, or achieved, it probably wasn’t worth doing. Then I learned about the philosophical distinction between telic and atelic pursuits. A telic pursuit has an endpoint. It’s done to achieve something—graduate, lose weight, finish the project, check the box. You complete something, and it’s done. It’s satisfying, and easy for an ADHD brain like mine to grasp. An atelic pursuit is different. It’s done for its own sake. Walking. Playing. Swimming. Having a conversation with a friend. The value isn’t found at the finish line—it’s found in the doing. It’s abstract, and hard for me to wrap my ADHD brain around. We Love Finish Lines For much of my life I’ve believed that in order for something to be worthwhile—in order for something to be deserving of my time and energy—it needs to be something that I can complete. Value is derived from a tangible result that you—and especially other people—can point to and say, “You did a thing, and here’s evidence to prove it.” Like a lot of people with ADHD, I crave the dopamine hit that comes from completion. Sometimes it’s not so much a feeling of accomplishment as it is relief, but crossing something off a list provides a defined endpoint, a predictable “high”, and that’s simple to grasp. But, understanding that not everything needs a defined goal is harder to accept. And that distinction has fundamentally changed the way I think about ADHD. When Structure Becomes a Trap When you read about strategies to manage ADHD or find “ADHD hacks” online they often suggest making lists, creating defined timeframes, or checking a box—essentially turning things into telic pursuits. Those strategies have a time and place. The goal-oriented approach can provide satisfaction, and in the right circumstances, help you get things done when you’re struggling with executive function. But you can’t apply that same strategy to everything. Clearly defined objectives in the wrong circumstances can create stress and achievement traps. Worst of all, they can restrict the ADHD brain’s natural strengths. They prevent daydreaming, they keep your mind from wandering, they don’t provide the space for discovery. And that’s a problem, too. It’s a balancing act. It’s important to understand and recognize that there are times when you need to get things done and be productive. But not everything should adhere to the same rigid framework and be solely focused on results. There are times when you need to provide space for your ADHD brain to wander and recharge. And more often than not, the opportunity to recharge is found in atelic pursuits. Sometimes the Point Is the Doing The more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve realized that I avoided doing things simply for the sake of doing them. Pursuing passions became a value proposition, focused on the tangible things I got out of it. If it couldn’t be measured, it wasn’t worthwhile. Understanding the difference between telic and atelic pursuits helped me realize that life isn’t just about hustle and achievement. My value isn’t defined by how much I can accomplish, and there’s not always a finish line. Sometimes the point of swimming is swimming. Sometimes the point of reading is reading. Sometimes the point of spending time with your kids is simply being present—it’s not a constant attempt to make “core memories” by providing structured enrichment that’s over-planned and micro-managed. It’s about play, creativity, imagination, and just existing together. In our current culture, it’s hard to admit that not every moment needs to be optimized. Coming to that realization is liberating. It’s a relief to accept that I don’t have to constantly be moving towards goalposts. I can give myself permission to do things for their own sake and let my brain lead. It can be hard for an ADHD brain to accept that simply doing is enough, but often, that’s exactly what we need. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit carignanevonpohle.substack.com

  4. 17 juin

    The Dominoes Are Already Falling

    *This is my third post in a series called Managing ADHD in Real Life. Subscribe so you don’t miss upcoming posts! If you read my last post in this series, I wrote about momentum. Momentum can be an essential part of managing your ADHD. Momentum creates a sense of progress and allows your brain to use today’s wins to encourage future wins. This week I want to talk about the improvements you can experience in your life if you recognize that good lifestyle decisions beget other good lifestyle decisions. The Domino Effect Often when you hear “domino effect,” it might conjure images of your life falling apart, piece by piece, with one negative thing triggering a chain reaction. Chain reactions are real, but I would argue that a chain reaction can work in your favor with a few key decisions. Before I was diagnosed with ADHD, I was very aware that I had a tendency to be impulsive. I would go all in on things, and not always in a way that improved my life. I can think of many instances when life wasn’t going my way, and I’d lean into it. It would usually start with several late nights in front of the TV. Lounging on the couch, watching shows that didn’t really entertain me as much as occupy my mind. Those late nights would lead to inadequate sleep and rough mornings. I was easily agitated. My kids would wake up before me and I would start each day on their terms instead of my own. Those days always made me feel like I was playing from behind. I’d also spend many of those late nights on the couch eating—snacking for no other reason than searching for the dopamine my brain so desperately craved. It was an unfortunate cycle that perpetuated itself. Each additional late night would lead to additional hours of snacking and binging, which would lead to a fitful night of sleep, which would lead to a rough morning, which would lead to an unproductive day, which would lead to another night of revenge sleep procrastination. I didn’t feel good, and before I was even diagnosed with ADHD, I could understand that I wasn’t doing my brain any favors. It was a domino effect in its worst form. Tipping Things in the Other Direction Things can go the other way, and the domino effect can create positives in your life too. At the end of last summer—just after my kids returned to school—I recognized that something needed to change. I’d been in the midst of a bad cycle of dominoes falling in the wrong direction. And one day I just decided I needed something different in my life, and impulsively, I went for it. For me, one of the first dominoes was getting back in the water. I started swimming with a local masters group a few mornings each week. At first, it was simply about moving my body and doing something that made me feel good. But I quickly realized it was influencing much more than just my fitness. To get up before sunrise and swim, I had to go to bed earlier. Going to bed earlier meant I wasn’t spending hours mindlessly snacking in front of the TV. Better sleep gave me more energy and patience during the day. And because I felt better, I was more motivated to make other healthy choices. What started as swimming became a whole series of dominoes falling in the right direction. When I think about my life and consider what’s best for me, I think about all the lifestyle choices I can make that will benefit me the most. This includes: * Good sleep * Fueling my body (which I like to say instead of eating because every body is unique and needs the correct blend of fuel to function at its best. Pop-tarts are not good fuel.) * Moving my body (Swimming!) * Limiting things that don’t serve me (alcohol, and sometimes even coffee) * Mornings on my terms (beating the kids out of bed) All of these things play a crucial role in my physical and mental health and help me better manage my ADHD. I’ve found that when I have several of them going in my favor, it’s easier to do the other things well. That’s what I mean by “good dominoes.” One good choice doesn’t just give you one benefit—it makes the next good choice easier. When I’m sleeping well, I have more energy to exercise. When I’m exercising regularly, I’m less likely to reach for foods that I know don’t make me feel my best. When I’m fueling my body well, I have better focus and emotional regulation. When my brain is functioning better, I’m more productive during the day, which makes it easier to wind down at night and get to bed on time. It’s All Connected None of these things exist in isolation. They’re all connected. The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is to create enough positive momentum that the next healthy decision requires a little less effort than the last one. Sleep is probably the biggest domino for me. When I sleep well, almost everything else gets easier. I have more patience with my kids. I make better decisions about food. I have more motivation to exercise. I focus better. I’m more productive. And because my day goes better, I’m less tempted to stay up late looking for dopamine from a screen. The dominoes start falling in the right direction. And believe me, I understand just how difficult it can be to break a negative cycle. In fact, when you’re in the middle of one, it can feel almost impossible. ADHD brains are particularly vulnerable because we’re often looking for immediate relief from boredom, stress, overwhelm, or exhaustion. That’s why I don’t try to change everything at once. I just look for the next domino. Maybe that’s going to bed 30 minutes earlier. Maybe it’s taking a walk. Maybe it’s getting in the pool. Maybe it’s putting my phone down and reading a book. The important thing is recognizing that one good choice rarely stays isolated. It has a way of creating opportunities for other good choices. Momentum matters. Good dominoes matter. Sometimes the biggest changes in our lives don’t come from one massive decision. They come from a single domino that starts falling in the right direction. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit carignanevonpohle.substack.com

  5. 3 juin

    My Eyes Were Working Too Hard

    *I’m taking a pause from my series “Managing ADHD in Real Life” so I can get my kids squared away on summer break. Stay tuned for more in the weeks to come and be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss any future posts! I got glasses for the first time about a year ago. I turn 40 this year, and my eyesight seems to be the first thing that’s failing me. Up until the exam, I’d never had any issues with my vision. I’d do the test in the doctor’s office where you look at the progressively smaller letters on the wall, and I’d consistently pass with flying colors. The whole eye-exam experience was completely new, and I have to say, there were parts of it that I DID NOT enjoy. Nobody warned me about the puff of air they shoot into your eyes. That device is sadistic. I scheduled the appointment because I was struggling with eye pain by the end of most days. I would emerge from my office after a long day staring at the computer with eyes that felt like someone was trying to push them out of my head from inside. After the exam, the optometrist indicated that I needed prescription glasses. She explained that my eyes were experiencing strain as a result of having to repeatedly refocus throughout the day. My left eye in particular needed more correction and had to constantly adjust to try and compensate. The need to constantly refocus meant my eyes were doing a lot of extra work. It got me thinking. My eyes were tired because they had to constantly refocus. Reminds me a lot of my ADHD brain. See, the ADHD brain takes in information non-stop. It’s being pulled in countless directions, and when you’re meant to be concentrating on one thing, it can take a tremendous effort to refocus your attention on the task at hand. It’s no wonder that most days I feel wiped out—especially if I’m doing work that’s not particularly interesting or engaging. The demands of the day—a job, a partner, kids, responsibilities, commitments—require a lot of attention and focus. If your brain is wired to follow impulses, instead of staying on task, you end up using a massive amount of energy just doing life. After a full day of constant self-correction, your brain is exhausted. My advice? Cut yourself some slack. Remember that your brain is working so much harder than a lot of the people around you. You may get tired more easily. You may need to take breaks. If you need a moment of rest, don’t feel ashamed. It’s what’s necessary for you and your brain to function at its best. My glasses aren’t about helping me see—they’re about making it so my eyes don’t have to work so hard. I think it’s a lot like ADHD. Sometimes the answer isn’t to push harder, try harder, or focus harder. Sometimes the answer is finding the right support so you don’t have to spend all day refocusing. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit carignanevonpohle.substack.com

  6. 27 mai

    Momentum is Your Friend

    *This is my second post in a series called Managing ADHD in Real Life. Subscribe so you don’t miss upcoming posts! “It’s all about momentum.” It’s advice a friend with ADHD gave me a few years ago, and it’s been a game-changer. Momentum isn’t just about maintaining forward motion. It’s an approach that focuses on stacking wins so your brain thinks, “Hey, I’m making progress and being productive! I like this!” ADHD brains crave that feeling. But momentum can be fleeting. It’s easy to derail. Small interruptions and distractions can bring it to a screeching halt. That makes it imperative that you take care to protect your momentum and give yourself the best chance to capitalize when you capture it. Here are some things to try. Thanks for reading! This is my second post in a series, so be sure to subscribe for free so you don’t miss any upcoming posts!. Strategies for Building and Maintaining Momentum To-Do List Let’s start simple. Never underestimate the power of checking items off a list. It’s a visual, tangible way to see how much progress you’re making. Your to-do list isn’t a work of art. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but you. If something comes to mind, just write it down! My favorite thing to do? Add a few EASY items to the top of the list so you can check things off right out of the gate. That makes for a happy ADHD brain. Remember, we are stacking wins, so don’t make a task a heavy lift. Remove Distractions This is a big one. If you’re looking to get something done, identify all the things that regularly interrupt you. Public enemy number one is usually smartphones. Stick it in a drawer somewhere or stash it on the other side of the house. The world can wait. Speaking of Distractions, Computers are Distraction Machines Avoid computers if you need to get on a roll. Need the computer to do your work? Turn off Wi-Fi; write with pen and paper; avoid your email if you can; avoid social media (don’t ask me how many times I checked Facebook while writing this piece). When you have to use your computer, try to make it as boring as possible. Just Start My grandpa always used to say, “Let’s do something, even if it’s wrong”, and I think about that a lot. The greatest source of friction is often initiating a task. So, if you remove the need for something to be correct, and you allow yourself to be imperfect, you significantly reduce the friction. Reduced friction means better initiation, and initiation is the first step towards momentum. “Friction” Items What is slowing you down? Make a list. What frequently stands in your way? Is it too many decisions? Poor initial planning? Too much planning? It’s different for everyone. Like I tell my clients, “you are your own internal expert.” As an expert, figure out what works best for you and put it to practice. Visual Clutter Does visual clutter derail you? Is there stuff on your desk, laundry in your home office? Think about where you go to get things done. Is it a space that’s free from things that draw your attention away? What about other work you have to do? Is there a stack of projects that you’ll come across that can distract you? Clean space, clear mind. Avoid Doing Too Much Try to stick to one thing at a time. Trust me when I tell you, trying to multitask will not help your momentum. Time Blocking Set aside time to focus and allow yourself the space to build momentum. If you work in an office, that can be hard because there are so many ways to get distracted. But block the time on your calendar. Don’t schedule anything and respect it. Some people call it focus time. I call it momentum building time. And sure, maybe a chunk of that time will be spent actively building up your momentum at the start, but once you’re moving, you might surprise yourself with what you can accomplish. I get it. It’s hard to just turn your brain on and be productive when you have to be. That’s okay. Providing yourself with the space to be productive will make a difference. Momentum Inhibitors as a Dad (i.e. my kids) If you’ve ever tried to do anything efficiently with children in tow, you know that kids are pretty effective momentum killers. It’s not out of malice. They aren’t intentionally preventing me from getting things done. But man, if they don’t pick the perfect moment to interrupt progress. It’s especially hard to focus when I’m solo-parenting. And when I struggle to focus, I tend to just give up what I’m working on. In truth, I’ve probably exploited that tendency. I let my brain convince me that, if I’m going to get constantly interrupted—and keeping in mind that my goal has always been to follow the path of least resistance—I shouldn’t even try to do things. Don’t be like me. Try to do things, even if you’re guaranteed to get interrupted. I can think of many projects around the house that I’ve avoided doing because I feel like the possibility of being interrupted is enough of a deterrent. I’m working on changing that. Part of that change has been to accept that things aren’t perfect, and I may not complete a project in one go. That makes me twitch a little, but some progress is definitely better than no progress at all. Right? Train your brain to try, even when the circumstances are less than ideal. Did I mention it’s not easy being a parent? Your Version of Momentum Needs to Work for You The moral of the story is, momentum can be your friend. Find ways to get on a roll. Stacking easy wins is a good place to start. Protect the space you need to focus so that you don’t get derailed as easily. It’s not always going to go smoothly. Sometimes real life will get in the way. But if you practice ways to capture momentum—and realize being a parent means it won’t always look perfect—you will discover you can get things done. At the end of the day, it’s all about momentum…on your terms. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit carignanevonpohle.substack.com

  7. 20 mai

    Managing Your Energy to Manage Your ADHD

    *This is my first post in a series called Managing ADHD in Real Life. Subscribe so you don’t miss upcoming posts! If you have ADHD, you’re likely familiar with the feeling of burnout. Life is piling on, you become overwhelmed, and you can’t snap out of it. You might find yourself sprawled out in your bed, or plopped down on the couch, unable to move, unable to find the motivation to go forward. You’re mentally paralyzed. That’s ADHD burnout. The question is: how do you avoid burnout? It’s not a simple answer. There’s no fool-proof plan to avoid it entirely, but there are strategies that can help. One of the strategies I’ve had success with is figuring out how to manage my energy. Thanks for reading! This is Post #1 in my series Managing ADHD in Real Life. Be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss a thing! Life Comes at You Fast and Your Brain Can’t Keep Up For me, burnout arrived on the scene about a decade ago. In the years before I was diagnosed with ADHD—the years before a career, family, and adulting—it was easy to mange life and stick to a pace that was sustainable. But, as so often happens, my responsibilities increased, and that’s when things started to change. Each year of school added more to my plate. Then, I got my first “real” job. Soon I was in a serious relationship. I got married. And then, the big moment arrived. I woke up one day and I was a dad. In the blink of an eye I was personally responsible for the life of a helpless, pink, mini-human who wasn’t worried about my energy, stress, or mental load. It was around that time that I first experienced burnout. Adult life felt like too much, and I couldn’t figure out why I was so overwhelmed. It’s ultimately what motivated me to pursue an ADHD diagnosis. Life was coming at me fast and I felt completely ill-equipped to keep up. It wasn’t a question of failing to multi-task. It was failing to effectively manage my energy—failing to understand how my executive function was letting me down. If you’re not familiar with the term, executive function “describes a set of cognitive processes and mental skills that help an individual plan, monitor, and successfully execute their goals. The executive functions, as they’re known, include attentional control, working memory, inhibition, and problem-solving.” In people with ADHD there’s a delay in the development of executive function. This means we have to work even harder than neurotypical people to keep up with the requirements of life. All the decisions that you make on a daily basis take a lot of brainpower. An ADHD brain is working overtime to compensate for executive function delays. With each new responsibility that life throws at you, brain capacity is depleted more quickly. The struggle for people with ADHD is: How do you manage life with more asked of you, finite brain capacity, an executive function system that’s working overtime, all while trying to avoid burnout? It’s a tough formula to get right. I haven’t cracked the code, but here’s what I’ve learned. Energy Inventory When was the last time you sat down and really thought about the things that you have to do? I’m not talking about all the things you manage to squeeze into your life. I’m talking about the things that actually have to get done to survive. Being an adult feels like a sunrise to sunset sprint during which you cram in as much as you can before your heads hit the pillow. But when you step back, how much of what you’re doing really has to be done? A lot of it comes down to figuring out what’s necessary and what’s optional. In order to decide, you need to take a pause. This might be one of the hardest things for an ADHD brain, and something that I constantly have to work on with my ADHD Coaching clients. Our brains just want to MOVE FORWARD. No pauses, no brakes. Taking an intentional pause is just not in our nature. Try this: Set aside a few minutes and ask yourself, “what’s required of me?” There are things that you have to do. Work; intentional time spent with wife and kids; fueling your body; getting some movement (yes, I consider this a requirement). Outside of the basic needs for survival a lot of the rest is just window-dressing, and that’s where we tend to get ourselves into trouble. In my experience an ADHD brain’s craving for novelty and variety means that we often don’t know where to stop when it comes to saying yes. Our impulsivity drives us to overcommit in the moment only to pay for it later. Ask yourself: * Is the decision I’m making for me or someone else? * Am I saying “yes” because I’m worried about hurting someone’s feelings?Relationships are important, but remember, only you can protect your energy. * Am I saying “yes” because I haven’t set clear boundaries? * How much real time does this take? For example, are your kids in a lot of sports? That’s great, but did you think about the practice, games, and travel time that’s involved? Are the kids getting as much out of it as it’s taking out of you? If their extracurricular are spreading you thin it might be time to reconsider some commitments. * What am I possibly giving up in order to do this? Maybe you’re sacrificing valuable time to recharge. * Does it deplete my energy or recharge my energy? These are just a few questions you should answer. And I know—establishing boundaries with family can be a minefield. It can be especially difficult when you were brought up to believe that people-pleasing should dictate your actions. Breaking that family norm is not easy. But remember, you’re just establishing boundaries to protect your energy and avoid burnout. It’s not personal. In my experience, people like having me around more when I show up rested and recharged, not hanging on by a thread in the midst of burnout. Decisions Drain Energy After you’ve done your inventory, take a deeper look at all the little decisions you make on a daily basis. How many times are you asking your brain to make a decision? It might seem inconsequential, but the little choices you have to make throughout your day can really add up and take a toll on your executive function. Questions like: * What to eat for breakfast? * What to wear? * What to pack for lunch? * What projects or tasks to prioritize? * To stop for coffee or not? * What to pack for after school sports for the kids? * Did I send the money for my kids field trip? * Who needs to do homework? * Should I attend that network event? * Did that bill get paid? * What to make for dinner? The list only scratches the surface of the decisions you have to make throughout the day. In some cases the executive function required to make decisions is outsourced to partners. But that only means that the neurotypical partner assumes a larger burden—which can cause additional problems—and it doesn’t address the heart of the issue. The challenge becomes, how do you reduce the number of decisions you make during the day? One simple suggestion: create a “morning launch pad”. Designate a specific place for the items you need every day. Think keys, phone, wallet, and sunglasses. The easier it is to find these items, the less time you spend thinking about what you need to grab or have to hunt for items around the house. The late apple founder Steve Jobs famously wore the same outfit every day: black mock turtle neck sweater, jeans, and sneakers. His reasoning? He saved a lot of energy by not having to decide what to wear every morning. I’m not suggesting that everyone empty their closet and wear the same outfit, but it does illustrate my point: the less you have to think about, the smaller the mental load. Kids Have Boundless Energy. They Also Deplete Yours! When I had kids, I never realized that I could love another person so completely while also being so frustrated and overwhelmed by their every action. It’s a feeling only parents can relate to. Having kids takes a lot of executive function. Some mornings it feels like my kids dreamt an endless list of questions that they have to ask me the moment they get up for fear they go through life ignorant and ill-informed. It’s nonstop, and again, when your brain is trying to get everyone out the door in the morning, making sure to remember permission slips and lunches, it’s energy-depleting. I need every ounce of capacity I can get just to start my day. Making decisions that protect your energy and setting appropriate boundaries will ensure you have more capacity. It can also be tempting to try and ensure your kids have everything. For a lot of parents this means scheduling every second of our lives to make sure the kids are in music, sports, playdates. Doing ALL the things has become the new norm. But it comes a cost—both financially and mentally. My wife and I have made a real effort to provide our kids with opportunities, but we’ve been very intentional about creating boundaries, and not overcommitting ourselves. Life’s already busy enough. As an example, we’ve chosen not to do travel sports even though it’s common among families in our community. It’s a decision we’ve made to protect our time and energy. Think about your life right now and ask yourself: What do the decisions and commitments I’ve made mean for my energy and mental load? Setting Yourself Up for Good Energy Usage I once heard someone compare an ADHD brain to a sparkler and a neurotypical brain to a candle. The ADHD brain burns bright, burns with a lot of energy, but burns out quick. The neurotypical brain on the other hand is more consistent and more measured. It emits a steady light and is much less likely to burnout. Those of us with ADHD tend to go in 110%, but that has consequences. It’s not uncommon for ADHDers to try and imitate neurotypical people. It usually doesn’t work. Our brains just aren’t the same and you can waste a lot of time and energy trying to fit the wrong mold. O

  8. 6 mai

    When My Kids Take the Field, So Do I

    Last week I was at my son’s baseball game when I realized something… It’s hard for me to watch my kids play sports. Not because they aren’t athletic or talented (thank goodness they take after their mother). It’s because I can’t help but see myself out there. Somehow, when they step onto the field, a part of me goes with them. And it’s not the part of me that’s confident and athletic. It’s the part of me that’s terrified to mess up. Every misplay, dropped ball, strikeout, stumble, whiff—I have a visceral response. I remember what it was like being that kid out there. I remember the overwhelming fear of failure. It was never about doing my best, showing up, and finding opportunities to improve. It was about avoiding defeat. I didn’t handle failure well. In Little League, if I didn’t reach base, I’d melt down. I’d cry, throw my bat. My emotional dysregulation was on full display. It wasn’t that I got out. It was that failure proved something damning about me—people could see the “real” me. The me that crumbles in the big moment. My self-worth was dependent on my athletic performance. It was a tremendous burden. It wasn’t about participation, it was about validation. Watching my own kids, I worry that they feel the same way. Does my son feel like every eye is on him if he misses a grounder? Does he feel the judgement? Does he question his self-worth? Sports are meant to be fun. I only allowed myself to have fun if I was succeeding. That’s a lesson that I’ve tried hard not to pass on to my kids. There’s so much to be gained from sports—the teamwork, camaraderie, being active. I’m working hard to let my kids live their own experience. I want them to know that failure is inevitable in life. That’s one of the great lessons of sports. How we handle failure is what’s most important. Fortunately, the next generation seems to have it figured out. My kids don’t carry the self-doubt I did. They’re learning how to handle defeat without losing control. If I struck out, I would melt down and throw my bat. If my son strikes out, he calmly walks himself back to the dugout and waits for his next chance. No tears, no tantrums. I’m filled with pride. He’s already so far ahead of where I was at his age. Is it still painful to remember my own experience with sports? Sure. But when I watch my kids, I see them play with a joy I spent years trying to earn. That makes it a whole lot easier to be a spectator…and a dad! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit carignanevonpohle.substack.com

Tout afficher (14)

À propos

Between Chaos & Bedtime is where I tell my story of being a dad with late-diagnosed ADHD. This podcast lives in the space most parents know well—the messy middle between work, parenting, and trying to hold it all together. Each episode is a voiceovers of my written stories—honest reflections on what’s working, what’s not, and what I’m still figuring out. It’s for anyone who wants the content but doesn’t have time to read (or maybe just doesn't like reading). You can listen in the car, on your way to work, or while life is happening around you. Down the road, I’ll bring in conversations with others. But for now, it’s just me, sharing the truth as I experience it. carignanevonpohle.substack.com

Informations

  • Création
    Carignane von Pohle
  • Années d’activité
    2026
  • Épisodes
    14
  • Classification
    Tous publics
  • Copyright
    © Carignane von Pohle
  • Site web de l’émission
    "Between Chaos & Bedtime" the Podcast

Vous aimeriez peut‑être aussi