Parenting with Someone Who Is Emotionally or Spiritually Unsafe How do you parent well when the other parent is manipulative, emotionally unsafe, spiritually abusive, addictive, or simply unwilling to grow? It’s one of the most painful and exhausting realities many women face after separation, divorce, or even within a difficult marriage. In this powerful conversation, Leslie is joined by Michael and Kristin Cary of Living Truth Together to talk honestly about why “friendly co-parenting” is not always realistic—or safe—when the other parent continues destructive patterns. Together, they offer practical boundaries, faith-rooted wisdom, and compassionate guidance for moms who want to protect their children without badmouthing the other parent or getting pulled into more chaos. Key Takeaways Friendly Co-Parenting Isn’t Always Possible—or Safe Many women are told that if they communicate clearly, stay kind, and “do their part,” co-parenting will become peaceful. But when someone was unsafe in the marriage, separation or divorce doesn’t magically make them safe, reasonable, or cooperative. Michael reminds us that issues like sex, money, parenting, addiction, manipulation, and emotional abuse don’t disappear just because a couple is no longer together. In many cases, trying to co-parent closely with an unsafe person only creates more opportunities for harm. Boundaries Protect Your Soul and Reduce Unnecessary Conflict Kristin shares from her own experience of parenting with a toxic ex-spouse and explains how she learned to put strong boundaries around communication. That meant not answering phone calls, avoiding one-on-one texting when possible, using another person in written communication, meeting in public places, and limiting conversations to only what was necessary. These boundaries are not punishment. They are protection. As Leslie points out, when someone has repeatedly shown that engaging with them only brings arrows and harm, wisdom means accepting reality and choosing a safer way forward. Loving Yourself Is Not Unchristian Many women feel an over-spiritualized obligation to keep sacrificing themselves—to answer every question, calm every outburst, defend every accusation, or rescue the unsafe person from his own consequences. But Jesus told us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. Kristin names a powerful truth: you have agency now. You have authority over your time, energy, body, and emotional well-being. Sacrifice is beautiful when it leads to life and love, but it is not godly wisdom to continually sacrifice yourself to someone who uses your availability to harm you. You Can’t Fully Protect Your Children, But You Can Equip Them One of the hardest truths for any mother is realizing she cannot completely shield her children from the other parent’s toxicity. Kristin shares the deep surrender of recognizing that God loves her son even more than she does—and that while she can make wise choices, she cannot control everything he experiences. That doesn’t mean doing nothing. It means helping your children recognize what is healthy and unhealthy, teaching them that they have choices, listening without using their pain as a weapon, and helping them build their own safety and discernment over time. Don’t Put Your Children in the Middle When the other parent blames, lies, or spiritually shames you in front of the children, it can be tempting to defend yourself by telling the whole story. But children should not have to carry adult burdens. Kristin offers a wise, age-appropriate response: “Adult problems are really complex, and sometimes adults hurt each other in ways children shouldn’t have to understand. This is not your fault. It is not your responsibility to fix it. I love you.” Leslie adds that if something untrue is said, you can calmly say, “That’s not true. Dad is hurt and angry, and he’s saying some things that aren’t true,” without attacking his character. You Still Need Support, Rest, and Joy Parenting is hard. Parenting in a destructive or broken relationship is even harder. Kristin encourages women to get support, remove nonessentials where possible, and intentionally seek moments of real joy—not numbing or avoiding, but small places of delight and refuge with God. Michael reminds us that self-care does not always require large blocks of time. Sometimes it looks like five minutes in the sunshine, a cup of coffee in prayer, a worship song, or a quiet breath before the next hard thing. Personal Invitation If this episode stirred something in you and you’re wondering, “Where do I even begin?” we want to help you take a clear next step. Download Leslie’s Quickstart Guide to begin gaining clarity, courage, and practical direction for your situation. You don’t have to figure everything out at once. Start with one wise step. Download the Quickstart Guide here: https://leslievernick.com/guide Friend, your situation may feel impossible, especially when the other parent refuses to change, take responsibility, or become safe. But even if he never changes, you can. You can become the grounded, steady, emotionally healthy anchor your children need. You can stop dancing the old destructive dance. You can seek support, walk in truth, and learn to protect your heart without hardening it. You are not alone. God sees you, He loves your children, and He will give you wisdom for the next right step. Keep walking in truth—one step at a time.
