You can believe in Jesus and still feel crushed by depression and you can look “fine” while you’re quietly fighting to stay alive. I’m L. A. Sprague, and this is one of the most vulnerable stories I’ve ever shared: my experience with major depressive disorder and the long habit of masking pain in Christian spaces that taught me sadness was shameful or even spiritual failure. (Content warning: self-harm, suicidal ideation, domestic violence, trauma, and inpatient mental health care.) I walk through what depression actually felt like in my body and mind: numbness, insomnia, agitation, intrusive and violent images, paranoia that people hated me, and moments when driving became dangerous. I also unpack how certain church messages can deepen stigma, why some forms of “biblical counseling” left me feeling worse, and how a distorted view of martyrdom became a pipeline for passive suicidal thinking. Then I share what helped me survive and rebuild: going to a mental hospital when I hit a breaking point, starting medication and finally sleeping again, creating a safety plan with warning signs and people to call, and finding healthier support through therapy, friends, and practical steps that reduce risk. My faith is part of the story too, including deconstruction, doubt, and the comfort of a Savior who knows what abandonment feels like. If you’re in a dark place, you’re not alone, and you’re not beyond help. Listen, share this with someone who needs it, and please follow, subscribe, and leave a review so more people can find this community. https://www.patreon.com/c/CWCIpodcasthttps://www.buzzsprout.com/2552643/support Purchase here: https://a.co/d/6dM3f89 Music for The Supernatural Case of an Accidental Time Traveler Ad: https://uppbeat.io/t/prigida/sketch-book License code: FFWQZDUHONOHPA8O Support the show 🎤Share your story: CWCIPodcast@gmail.com 🧡Contribute towards the production of Christians With Chronic Illnesses: Regularly on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/c/CWCIpodcastOne time on GoFundMe: https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-christians-with-chronic-illnesses🌱Join the Community: Facebook Group: Christians With Chronic Illnesses Support Group Discord Support Group https://discord.gg/ZaWMkbGSty TikTok, IG, X, Threads, Twitch, & YouTube: @CWCIPodcastFacebook: Christians With Chronic Illnesses🔗Visit our website https://cwcipodcast-shop.fourthwall.com/