The Fatherhood Focus That Changes Everything with Brad Rhoads "Most parents miss the joys of parenting trying to be a good parent." That's what Brad Rhoads's mentor told him. And it wrecked him in the best way. Brad's a father of five. Married to Marilyn for 30 years. He ran a law practice for 22 years before launching Grace Marriage (gracemarriage.com), a ministry that equips churches with ongoing marriage support. But fatherhood? He'll tell you he was overcomplicating it. Diet, academics, activities, spiritual development, family worship. The list felt endless. And no matter how hard he tried, it never felt like enough. Then his mentor said something that shifted everything: "Brad, just make it your mission that your children feel delighted in. That they feel there's nobody in the world that likes them more than you." Not 800 things. One thing. Delight. And here's what happened: one of his daughters told him, "Dad, a lot of dads spend time with their kids, but I can tell you actually want to." That's the fruit of delight. Not perfection. Not checking every parenting box. Just a kid who knows her dad likes her. I'll add, since Brad, a man of genuine integrity, graciousness, and generous character likes his kids, they WANT to be like him. It reminds me of God and the way he loves us. When we believe we are delighted in, we are drawn to love and delight Him even more! Husband, if the enemy's been whispering that you're a terrible father, this episode is for you. Delight changes everything. He also says the number first thing you need to be a great dad, is to be a great husband. At DYM we coach husbands and wives to transform their marriage even if only one does the work, but we encourage the husbands to go first. Blessings, Belah PS - Want more insight into the health of your marriage? Take our free Marital Health Assessment to find out your Marital Health score. PPS - Ready to start your healing journey? Schedule a free Clarity Call and see if our programs are the right fit for you. PPPS - Here is what (another) recent Coaching Graduate had to say: [before coaching], "I thought things were great in our relationship" [after coaching] "I didn't know that this program could take our relationship to an even better level. I didn't know that there was still room to fall even more in love or be more grateful and close with my husband." Here is an AI-generated summary of today's episode: The Fatherhood Focus That Changes Everything: Interview with Brad Rhoads What if fatherhood didn't have to feel like drowning? Brad Rhoads, father of five, married 30 years, former attorney, and founder of Grace Marriage, sits down with Belah to share the one shift that transformed his parenting: making delight primary. His mentor called parenting "the modern-day black hole" and gave Brad a single mission: make sure your kids feel like nobody in the world likes them more than you. In this episode, Brad unpacks how that one phrase changed how he spends time with his kids, how he handles the hard seasons, and why the best thing a father can do for his children is love their mom well. "Parenting Is the Modern-Day Black Hole" Brad's mentor laid it out: the good diet, the activities, the music, the academics, the spiritual development, the family worship. "He said just like, ugh." The pressure to be a perfect parent is crushing, and it often backfires. "Most parents miss the joys of parenting trying to be a good parent. They feel this weight to really be a good, godly parent, but then their kids don't even necessarily feel like their parents like them." The mentor's counsel was simple: "Just enjoy your kids, and ultimately whoever's kindest will have the most influence." Make Delight Primary Brad shifted from analyzing everything to having fun with his kids. Not throwing discipline out the door, but flipping the priority. "I find that those that make discipline primary, it tends to cause rebellion." The more he did stuff his kids wanted to do, the more he liked them, and the more he wanted to spend time with them. It became a virtuous cycle. "Whoever likes you the most is who you're gonna wanna spend time around. And if you can tell somebody really wants to spend time with you, really enjoys their time with you, really thinks you're cool, really is into what you're doing, you're gonna be like, 'I kinda like that person.'" The Power of Pursuit Brad built simple, consistent rhythms: one morning a week breakfast with each kid (often McDonald's or Huddle House), one overnight a year with each child, and activities tailored to each kid's interests. One daughter loves the NFL, so they go to a different venue every year. Another got into golf, and it's now Brad's primary time with her. "The beauty of golf is if it's somebody you wanna pour into, golf takes a long time. And you're sitting beside somebody." He's also seen what happens when pursuit comes too late. Friends who tried to start breakfast dates with their high school kids found them uninterested. "They weren't into it. Dad just wasn't one of them." The relational capital wasn't there because other sources of influence showed more interest than Dad did. "Even if you get a no, it's still important to pursue. Your closest friends are the friends that pursue you the most." Strict Boundaries at Work Brad made a non-negotiable decision: home by 5:00 or 5:30 every day. At the law practice, if he had to ask for an extension to make that happen, he did. His uncle reinforced the culture: "If he saw me working at 6:00, 7:00 at night, he'd be like, 'What are you doing here? Go home, you idiot. You have a wife at home.'" At Grace Marriage, the standard is the same. Brad tells every team member: "If you don't feel like you're drawing closer to Jesus and closer to your spouse because you work here, I feel like I'm failing you as a leader." His conviction: "If something's gonna take a hit, I don't want it to be my wife or kids. If something requires my wife or kids to take a hit, I'm gonna have to find something else." Work Less, Bring More Value Through business coaching (Strategic Coach), Brad learned to measure value to the organization, not time spent at the organization. He got his work week down to 28-30 hours while bringing two to three times the value. The key was identifying his unique ability and delegating the rest. At Rhoads & Rhoads, he was spending 20 hours on legal research he hated when 20 hours with referral sources was a 10X difference in value. "The person doing the legal research actually enjoyed doing the legal research. I didn't. It made me a worse husband." For business owners: "There's a real opportunity in business skill to use your skills such that you have a ton of time with your wife and kids." When a Kid Doesn't Like You Brad shared one of his hardest parenting seasons: a daughter who seemed bothered by his very presence. "If I said hello it almost made her angry." Questions in the car were met with irritation. "How was your day?" got "Would you stop?" and "Who'd you hang out with?" got "Friends you don't know." Multiple factors contributed: a move, a sibling leaving for college, a school change. Brad read Five Love Languages of Teenagers by Gary Chapman twice and leaned into the book's encouragement: don't get frustrated, keep pursuing, listen, correct as little as you can. "By God's kindness, we played nine holes yesterday, and it was good." Delight as a Conduit to God Brad connected the parenting shift to theology: "God delights in you. God looks at you and says, 'Wow, I'm really pleased. I'm for you.' When you show you delight in your kids, it's a conduit to show that they're delighted in by God." Kids who feel delighted in perform out of desire, not pressure. They want to rise to the occasion because they feel filled, not because they're chasing approval. "I don't think any parent wants their kids to feel like they're always just falling a little bit short. A lot of parents unintentionally do that." And yes, there are still standards. Brad told his son headed to college: "I'm not funding idiot. If you wanna work hard and do this, I'll pay for your college. But money comes with strings." Different Parenting Styles as a Gift Brad and Marilyn used to frustrate each other. She's detail-oriented: diet, academics, church, scripture. He's fun, spontaneous, full of levity. For a while, Brad felt like Marilyn made their house heavy and frustrating. Marilyn told him, "Brad, when you're a parent, you actually have to parent." The breakthrough: "Our kids don't need two Marilyns and our kids don't need two Brads. Together we're perfect." He even told their adult kids: "Your mom over-parents and I under-parent. Together we're perfect." When Brad messed up recently (too strong with one of his daughters), Marilyn came with compassion first, understanding, support, and respect, then gentle guidance: "You probably ought to ask for her forgiveness for being a little too strong." He felt fully supported, not attacked. Marriage Comes First "If you're a dad and you're not showing your kids how to love a spouse well, you're not being a good dad." Brad and Marilyn went on a date once a week through all five kids. He told them: "I'm leaving you tonight because I wanna be a good dad, and I can't be a good dad without loving your mom well. I can't love your mom well without spending time with your mom." His warning: "Child-centered, youth-centered society is absolutely crushing marriage. Husbands feel ignored. Wives feel unloved. All the attention goes to the kids. And God designed marriage to come first, horizontal relationship-wise. When you violate God's order, everything breaks down." Grace, Not Condemnation Brad's encouragement for any dad feeling like a failure: "You're probably not failing all the time. You just feel like you are." God was a perfect parent, and Adam still fell. There's no perfect parent. "Romans 8:1: there's no condemna
