Sweet Valley Hive Sweet Valley Hive

Something’s rotten in Sweet Valley this week: cases of expired Tofu-Glo in the Wakefields’ garage. Tofu-Glo is, naturally, the soy-based beauty MLM that Jessica has joined—and THAT’S the b-plot!

In the A-plot, homosexual tension is sizzling. When Liz’s boyfriend Jeffrey starts spending more time with his soccer teammate Aaron, she becomes increasingly frustrated pondering what happens behind the locker room doors.

Join us as we watch Liz stare in the mirror and compulsively stroke her hair, in “Locker Room Lovemaking” (Sweet Valley High #35, Out of Control).

Two households, both likely split-levels,

In fair Sweet Valley, where we lay our scene,

From ancient pizza law, to new nonsense,

Where local gossips spill the beans.

From forth the fatal loins of these two foes,

Star-cross'd lovers in a Social Studies unit on married life;

Whose homework assignments lead to realizations, and

Do with simple reconciliation bury their parents' strife.

Join us for “Bouillabaisse, Will You Marry Me?” (Sweet Valley High #34, Forbidden Love)

This week, we have a story of a teen girl in the foster system struggling to find her place after moving in with her cousins. To balance out this somewhat heavy A plot, the B plot introduces an iconic Wakefield family member that listeners are sure to love. He’s a princely, snuggly treat with a healthy layer of fat under his soft shiny coat. Join us for a discussion of the foster system, puppy-rearing, and whether malls are the new Main Street, USA, in “And We *Must* Trace the Angle of Reflection” (Sweet Valley High #33, Starting Over).

This week Sweet Valley is abuzz with the promise of a “Winter Carnival.” Unfortunately we get neither winter nor a carnival in this book. Instead, we have anxiety, anticipation, and a long lonely ride on a bus that is possibly driven by Santa. Luckily this gives us time for a diversion into the story of Robert’s experience on Jeopardy!

Join us for “Bad Mood Holiday” (Sweet Valley High Super Edition #5, Winter Carnival)

Things are getting drastic in Sweet Valley this week—sick of being mistaken for her gorgeous sister, Jessica does the unthinkable: she dyes her hair black! Don’t worry, darling, she still looks amazing and is channeling European elegance to give the performance of a lifetime. 

Join us for a discussion of the semiotics of lifestyle, identical twin psychology, and so on, and so on, and so on! in “The identity and the hairdo” (Sweet Valley High #32, The New Jessica).

This week, we’ve got one of the hottest matchmaking duels of all time! What’s a matchmaking duel? No one knows. Even so, come for the introduction of one of the sexiest characters in modern literature (try to describe Jeffrey Froooonch without using the word “simmering,” we dare you), an exploration of philanthropy under late capitalism, and an anecdote about Robert being hot at a gay club in London, in “The Bullet of the Duel” (Sweet Valley High #31, Taking Sides).