Let's Talk About........With Nicky Perfect

The Communication Coach
  • 4.8 (14)
  • How To
  • Updated fortnightly

For over a decade, Nicky Perfect BEM served as a Hostage and Crisis Negotiator, working with people and families in moments of extreme crisis. She went on to become Course Director for the UK’s National Negotiation Course and has trained negotiators and leaders across the world. Alongside her operational career, Nicky has studied psychology, relationships, human behaviour, personal development, and coaching. In this podcast, she brings those experiences together to show how the principles of hostage and crisis negotiation can transform everyday communication. Because communication is at the heart of everything we do — in families, at work, in leadership, and in the toughest conversations we face. When relationships break down, it’s usually because communication has broken down first. Each episode offers real stories, practical strategies, and powerful insights to help you: 🎧 Listen in a way that makes people feel heard💬 Navigate conflict with calm and confidence🌱 Build stronger, healthier relationships at home and at work Learn the skills that save lives — and discover how they can change yours.

  1. 1 day ago

    You Cannot Control Others But You Can Control Your Response

    The news can make your chest feel heavy in seconds. One brutal headline, one angry debate, one more “nothing I do will matter” thought and suddenly you’re stuck in helplessness. We wanted to sit with that feeling and ask a simple, uncomfortable question: do we actually have choice when the world feels out of control? We start with climate change because it’s a perfect mirror for modern overwhelm. Some people are certain it’s accelerating, others doubt it, and many sit somewhere in the middle feeling paralysed by scale. If bigger countries and bigger systems drive most emissions, what difference can your two-bedroom house make? We talk about the “enough trap”, why small actions still have value, and how shifting your language from “I can’t” to “What can I do?” changes your brain from shutdown to problem-solving. From there we zoom into what we know from crisis and conflict: you can’t change other people, but you can influence them, and you always have a choice in how you respond. That’s easy to say and hard to do when your nervous system is in fight flight freeze. We unpack how to find a little space before you react, why respectful disagreement is a skill, and how tiny choices in communication can either validate someone or quietly devalue them. We also bring in Viktor Frankl and Man’s Search for Meaning, testing his claim that the last human freedom is choosing your attitude. Using E + R = O (event + reaction = outcome), we connect philosophy to real life, from everyday frustration to moments of crisis, and share a negotiation story that captures what control really looks like. If this conversation helps, subscribe, share it with someone who feels overwhelmed, and leave a review so more people can find it. What’s one “What can I do?” step you’re choosing today? Resources & support (UK)Samaritans: 116 123 (free, 24/7)Shout: Text 85258 (free, 24/7) Explore more tools & training:  🌐 www.nickyperfect.com  🌐 www.thecommunicationcoach.co.uk

    You Cannot Control Others But You Can Control Your Response

  2. 4 Sept

    What If The Problem Is The System Not The Child

    “You’re nice to us.” That’s what the kids said when Sally Michaels asked why they could learn in her setting but not in school, and it’s the line that frames everything we explore here. Sally runs Blue Squid, a non-school alternative provision supporting young people aged 9 to 16 who are struggling with school attendance, especially neurodivergent teenagers who feel crushed by rigid rules, sensory stress, and constant pressure to perform. We get into what changed after COVID and why so many schools drifted toward high control when the system demanded quick academic catch-up. Sally shares what she sees behind the scenes: bright students with huge aspirations who have lost confidence, families who feel dismissed with “they’re fine in school,” and teens who hold it together all day then unravel at home. We also talk about what flexibility can look like in real life, including realistic GCSE pathways, spreading exams over time, and building a bespoke plan that reduces harm while keeping doors open. You’ll hear clear explanations of PDA (pathological demand avoidance or pervasive drive for autonomy), why everyday demands can trigger fight or flight, and why neurodivergence can overlap with trauma responses. Sally breaks down an easy brain-state model (executive, emotional, survival) and we spend time on a topic that doesn’t get enough airtime: shame, how it grows, and how it can drive anxiety, self-harm, and crisis if nobody names it. If you’re parenting a teenager who is struggling with school, or you’re recognising yourself in these patterns, you’re not alone. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more families can find the support and language to move forward. To get in contact with Sally visit: Sally Michaels | LinkedIn bluesquidlearning.com Resources & support (UK)Samaritans: 116 123 (free, 24/7)Shout: Text 85258 (free, 24/7) Explore more tools & training:  🌐 www.nickyperfect.com  🌐 www.thecommunicationcoach.co.uk

    What If The Problem Is The System Not The Child

  3. 28 Aug

    Mum, Dad, We Need To Talk

    The moment you realise you need to say “Mum, Dad, we need to talk” can hit like a wave. Not because you don’t love them, but because the topics are loaded: driving safety, memory changes, money worries, and the painful question of whether they can still live independently. I’m sharing a solo, honest walk-through of how I’ve handled these conversations in my own family and what I’ve learned from working with older adults, where dignity matters just as much as safety.  We start with driving because it is often an older person’s lifeline and identity. I explain why “You need to stop” usually triggers resistance, and how adult-to-adult communication helps you stay connected. You’ll hear a practical way to open tough conversations from their perspective, keep the focus on the issue rather than the person, and use calm observational language that reduces conflict. We also get into memory and possible dementia, including how to describe what you’re noticing without blame or labels, so you’re more likely to get a response instead of a defensive reaction.  We then tackle the messy, real-world stuff families whisper about: uncomfortable language, generational belief clashes, technology fear, online banking scams, and money decisions that can put older parents at risk. Finally, we talk about you, because caregiving stress is chuffing hard, and support matters. If this resonates, subscribe, share with someone in the sandwich generation, and leave a review so more people can find practical help when they need it most. Resources & support (UK)Samaritans: 116 123 (free, 24/7)Shout: Text 85258 (free, 24/7) Explore more tools & training:  🌐 www.nickyperfect.com  🌐 www.thecommunicationcoach.co.uk

    Mum, Dad, We Need To Talk

  4. 21 Aug

    What Would A Good Handover Look Like

    Death admin is one of those tasks that feels “optional” right up until the day it becomes urgent. We sit down with Caro from Your Final Matters to talk about the reality facing the sandwich generation: juggling work, kids, and ageing parents while trying to avoid conversations about funerals, wills, powers of attorney, and what happens if someone loses capacity. Caro shares a practical, compassionate approach to end-of-life planning and estate planning that starts with trust, not paperwork. We unpack the beliefs that make families shut down, like “talking about death brings it closer” or “my kids will sort it out,” and why anger is often a cover for fear, loss, and the need for control. If you have ever tried to raise these topics with a parent or partner and hit a wall, you will recognise the patterns and learn ways to ease the pressure. We also get concrete about the big protectors: power of attorney in the UK and the real “cost of doing nothing,” plus digital legacy planning. Passwords, online banking, and hidden accounts can trap money and create chaos for executors, which is why Caro argues for a simple system and even the idea of a digital executor. You will also hear how her Sunflower Stories project uses a sunflower as a gentle prompt to spark one hard conversation and one small action, without the dread. If this resonates, share it with someone who keeps saying “we’ll deal with it later,” and then take one step today. Subscribe, leave a review, and tell us: what is the first document or conversation you want to tackle? Find out more from Caro here: https://yourfinalmatters.co.uk/ https://www.instagram.com/yourfinalmatters/ https://www.facebook.com/yourfinalmatters https://www.linkedin.com/in/carosyson/ Resources & support (UK)Samaritans: 116 123 (free, 24/7)Shout: Text 85258 (free, 24/7) Explore more tools & training:  🌐 www.nickyperfect.com  🌐 www.thecommunicationcoach.co.uk

    What Would A Good Handover Look Like

  5. 14 Aug

    From Anticipatory Grief To Sudden Loss And Healing Tools

    One phone call can split your life into a before and after and grief rarely stops at just one loss. I’m joined by Lisa Archer from Holistic Life Coaching, who shares her deeply personal story of receiving a brain cancer diagnosis for her dad while living thousands of miles away in the UK, then facing the jolt of sudden loss soon after. We talk candidly about the difference between anticipatory grief and unexpected death, and why your coping style can change from one bereavement to the next without you doing anything “wrong.” Lisa also opens up about the hidden weight so many people carry: managing everyone else’s emotions while your own grief sits in the background. We get practical about grief literacy and support, including what not to say (“I know exactly how you feel”), why ghosting someone is so painful, and how to show up in a way that keeps the focus on the person who is grieving. If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by other people’s reactions at the worst moment of your life, you’ll feel seen here. We then move into healing tools that are both grounded and human: therapy and bereavement counselling, guided meditation, movement, mindset without toxic positivity, and a simple gratitude practice to stop the mind from spiralling. Lisa shares how those same tools supported her through early breast cancer detection and a double mastectomy decision, plus why boundaries and environment matter when your energy is limited. Finally, we explore identity after loss including ambiguous grief from retirement, relationship change, and major life transitions, with a clear starting point: reconnect with your core values and ask yourself, “What do I love?” If this conversation helps, please subscribe, share it with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find support. Connect with Lisa Links: https://holisticlifecoaching.org.uk/ https://www.linkedin.com/in/lisamariearcher/ https://www.facebook.com/coachlisaarcher https://www.facebook.com/holisticlifecoachingwithlisamarie/ https://www.instagram.com/holistic_coach_lisa/ Resources & support (UK)Samaritans: 116 123 (free, 24/7)Shout: Text 85258 (free, 24/7) Explore more tools & training:  🌐 www.nickyperfect.com  🌐 www.thecommunicationcoach.co.uk

    From Anticipatory Grief To Sudden Loss And Healing Tools

  6. 7 Aug

    Under The Mask It Is Absolute Chaos

    You can spend decades thinking you are disorganised, too intense, too sensitive, or simply “not trying hard enough” and still look like you have it together. Then one ADHD assessment lands, and suddenly your whole timeline rearranges itself. I’m Nicky, and I’m joined by therapist Rachel Young for a candid, sometimes emotional conversation about being assessed for combined ADHD in midlife, and what it’s like to finally have language for patterns we’ve carried since childhood.  We dig into why the word “diagnosis” can feel uncomfortable, and why we prefer thinking about neurodiversity as a culture the world often fails to accommodate. We talk about masking, high achievement, and the exhausting gap between what people see and what’s happening underneath. If you’ve ever pushed harder and harder, only to crash the moment you stop, you’ll recognise the cycle. We also get practical about executive function and coping tools: time blindness, overplanning to compensate, missing things even with a colour-coded diary, and the very real shame that can follow.  You’ll hear how ADHD can show up differently in women, how childhood experiences shape adult self-talk, and why perimenopause and menopause can make old coping strategies stop working. We also touch on friendships, the pressure to “do relationships right”, and the relief of finding people who understand that silence does not equal lack of care. We end with the most important takeaway: shifting the inner voice from criticism to compassion, and building support that fits your brain.  If this resonates, share it with someone who needs kinder explanations for their life, then subscribe, leave a review, and tell us: what part of ADHD do you wish people understood better? Resources & support (UK)Samaritans: 116 123 (free, 24/7)Shout: Text 85258 (free, 24/7) Explore more tools & training:  🌐 www.nickyperfect.com  🌐 www.thecommunicationcoach.co.uk

    Under The Mask It Is Absolute Chaos

  7. 31 Jul

    What If Listening Is The Real Leash

    Your dog is not ignoring you, they are choosing what feels most meaningful in the moment. That one idea reshapes everything, from recall training to the way we speak to the people we love. We sit down with Sam (Sameaysam.com), a relationship-first dog professional who can walk dozens of dogs off leash, and we dig into what actually makes that possible when the forest is full of better distractions than us.  We talk about the hidden communication gap between owners and dogs and why “more training” can sometimes be more ego than help. Sam shares how moving to Quebec without the language forced him to become a sharper observer, then how that same observation shows up in dog behaviour, reactivity, and what people call aggression. The thread running through it all is conscious presence: paying attention to patterns, responding instead of reacting, and choosing connection when control is tempting.  The conversation gets personal too: gratitude, forgiveness, and how meditation (including a 10-day Vipassana) can reveal the mind’s looping stories so we can finally break them. We also cover practical life design, like changing your environment, choosing your circle, and using supportive tools like sound socialization resources. Sam also shares where to find free gifts and a community where you can ask questions beyond dogs.  If you want better dog behaviour, calmer walks, and stronger relationships at home, press play, then subscribe, share with a friend, and leave us a five-star review. What’s one pattern you want to change this week? for more about Sam visit his website www.samaysam.com Resources & support (UK)Samaritans: 116 123 (free, 24/7)Shout: Text 85258 (free, 24/7) Explore more tools & training:  🌐 www.nickyperfect.com  🌐 www.thecommunicationcoach.co.uk

    What If Listening Is The Real Leash

  8. 17 Jul

    How To Respond When Someone Says They Want To Die

    Someone tells you, “I can’t do this anymore,” and suddenly every sentence you’ve ever known disappears. That freeze is normal, but it’s also the moment where a few simple words and a steady presence can change the direction of a life. We’re sharing what I’ve been teaching across the UK from my work in hostage and crisis negotiation, sparked by a question from GP practice managers after a young person threatened suicide in a surgery. We talk plainly about why you should not be afraid to say the word suicide, how direct questions can create a safer space, and what to keep in mind about risk, support, and your own safety. I also point to the wider ecosystem of good practice around crisis communication, including work aligned with Shout, the Samaritans, and Professor Liz Stokoe’s focus on how language shapes outcomes. Then we break down a framework you can actually remember under stress: OARS from motivational interviewing. We cover Open questions that invite more than yes or no, the TED prompts (Tell me, Explain to me, Describe to me), Affirmations and validation that avoid cliché reassurance, Reflective listening that mirrors back what you see and hear, and Summaries that prevent misunderstandings. We also add one often-missed skill in suicide prevention and mental health support: silence, used with care, to communicate “I’m here” without trying to fix everything. If you found this helpful, subscribe, share it with someone who supports others, and leave a review so more people can find these suicide intervention and de-escalation skills when they need them most. Resources & support (UK)Samaritans: 116 123 (free, 24/7)Shout: Text 85258 (free, 24/7) Explore more tools & training:  🌐 www.nickyperfect.com  🌐 www.thecommunicationcoach.co.uk

See All (126)

4.8
out of 5
14 Ratings

About

For over a decade, Nicky Perfect BEM served as a Hostage and Crisis Negotiator, working with people and families in moments of extreme crisis. She went on to become Course Director for the UK’s National Negotiation Course and has trained negotiators and leaders across the world. Alongside her operational career, Nicky has studied psychology, relationships, human behaviour, personal development, and coaching. In this podcast, she brings those experiences together to show how the principles of hostage and crisis negotiation can transform everyday communication. Because communication is at the heart of everything we do — in families, at work, in leadership, and in the toughest conversations we face. When relationships break down, it’s usually because communication has broken down first. Each episode offers real stories, practical strategies, and powerful insights to help you: 🎧 Listen in a way that makes people feel heard💬 Navigate conflict with calm and confidence🌱 Build stronger, healthier relationships at home and at work Learn the skills that save lives — and discover how they can change yours.

Information

You Might Also Like