Let's Talk About........With Nicky Perfect

The Communication Coach
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For over a decade, Nicky Perfect BEM served as a Hostage and Crisis Negotiator, working with people and families in moments of extreme crisis. She went on to become Course Director for the UK’s National Negotiation Course and has trained negotiators and leaders across the world. Alongside her operational career, Nicky has studied psychology, relationships, human behaviour, personal development, and coaching. In this podcast, she brings those experiences together to show how the principles of hostage and crisis negotiation can transform everyday communication. Because communication is at the heart of everything we do — in families, at work, in leadership, and in the toughest conversations we face. When relationships break down, it’s usually because communication has broken down first. Each episode offers real stories, practical strategies, and powerful insights to help you: 🎧 Listen in a way that makes people feel heard💬 Navigate conflict with calm and confidence🌱 Build stronger, healthier relationships at home and at work Learn the skills that save lives — and discover how they can change yours.

  1. Living Alongside Grief

    3 days ago

    Living Alongside Grief

    Grief is not one feeling, it is a total rewrite of your life, your body, and your relationships. We’re joined by Clare, someone who has lived through multiple devastating losses, including the sudden death of her mum from rare gallbladder cancer and the death of her seven-year-old daughter Annaliese after sepsis was not picked up in time. Clare speaks with honesty about shock, anger, brain fog that feels like injury, and the brutal “what could I have done differently?” loop that often returns around anniversaries.  We also talk about what happens inside a partnership when two people grieve in completely different ways. Clare and Matt’s story is a grounded look at marriage after bereavement: learning acceptance, dropping expectations, and finding other safe people when your partner cannot “hold” you in the way you hoped. Clare explains what it means to live alongside grief, how memory can feel warming as well as crushing, and why saying a loved one’s name matters more than most people realise.  If you’ve ever searched for grief support, help for bereaved parents, or how to support someone after a death, you’ll come away with practical ideas that actually land: specific check-ins, small gestures, showing up consistently, and making space for the hard days. Clare also shares the community she’s found through The Compassionate Friends and her book “And Always Annaliese,” written for both bereaved parents and the people trying to care for them.  Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more listeners can find these conversations, and tell us in the comments: what kind of support helped you most when grief hit? You can visit Clare's website - www.andalwaysannaliese.com and you can find Compassionate Friends here - https://www.tcf.org.uk Resources & support (UK)Samaritans: 116 123 (free, 24/7)Shout: Text 85258 (free, 24/7)PAPYRUS HOPELINEUK (under 35s): 0800 068 4141 Explore more tools & training:  🌐 www.nickyperfect.com  🌐 www.thecommunicationcoach.co.uk  💬 Join our community: Courageous Conversations About Suicide  — a safe, supportive space to listen, share, and find connection.

    47 min

  2. 22 May

    How To Stay Calm In Difficult Conversations

    The fastest way to ruin a difficult conversation is to believe you can control the other person. We talk through what actually happens in the mind and body when stress hits, and why grief, loss, change, and fear can flip us from logical thinking into a reactive emotional state in seconds. Drawing on experience as a hostage and crisis negotiator, we share three practical lessons that show up everywhere: crisis is part of life and often comes with real or perceived loss; loneliness can creep in even when you are not alone, especially in parenting and leadership; and everyone carries a deeper story under the “safe” small talk. Once you see those dynamics, conflict feels less personal and more predictable, which makes it easier to handle with care. We also unpack a tool you can use immediately for emotional regulation and conflict management: noticing your physical trigger signs, then applying the 90-second rule to create space between stimulus and response. Sometimes the smartest move is a clean pause, a walk away, or a simple “I’m going to put the kettle on” break so you can come back with your best self, not your most defensive self. If you found this helpful, subscribe, share it with someone who is navigating a hard conversation, and leave a review so more people can find these practical crisis communication skills. What physical sign tells you you’re about to react? Resources & support (UK)Samaritans: 116 123 (free, 24/7)Shout: Text 85258 (free, 24/7)PAPYRUS HOPELINEUK (under 35s): 0800 068 4141 Explore more tools & training:  🌐 www.nickyperfect.com  🌐 www.thecommunicationcoach.co.uk  💬 Join our community: Courageous Conversations About Suicide  — a safe, supportive space to listen, share, and find connection.

    12 min
  3. An Undercover Cop’s Breaking Point And The Road Back

    15 May

    An Undercover Cop’s Breaking Point And The Road Back

    One morning can split your life in two. Todd joined me to tell the story he carried for years: finding his girlfriend Karen after she died by suicide on New Year’s Day, and the shock that followed him into everything that came next. What he shares is confronting at times, but it’s also deeply human and, for many listeners, reassuring in the most unexpected way: the feelings you’re struggling to name often have a reason.  We talk about how grief and trauma can push you toward avoidance that looks like “coping” from the outside. Todd walks us through the months after the loss, the drinking that crept earlier into the day, and the high-risk choices that made him feel less, even as they made his world more dangerous. When he moved into undercover police work, the new identity offered escape and adrenaline, but it also delayed the pain and reinforced a fight-first mindset that’s hard to switch off. If you’ve ever wondered why some people seem fine for years and then suddenly unravel, this conversation lays out that slow build with brutal clarity.  Then we turn toward recovery and first responder mental health in practical terms: leaving shift work, getting sleep and nutrition back to basics, and learning through a sleep specialist that a brain can stay in fight-or-flight all night even with “good” hours in bed. We also dig into why telling the truth and writing his book helped Todd and why it created a safe space for others to finally speak. If any part of this resonates, share it with someone who needs it, subscribe for more conversations like this, and leave a review so more people can find the support they’ve been missing. Resources & support (UK)Samaritans: 116 123 (free, 24/7)Shout: Text 85258 (free, 24/7)PAPYRUS HOPELINEUK (under 35s): 0800 068 4141 Explore more tools & training:  🌐 www.nickyperfect.com  🌐 www.thecommunicationcoach.co.uk  💬 Join our community: Courageous Conversations About Suicide  — a safe, supportive space to listen, share, and find connection.

    47 min
  4. When Grief Gets Quiet

    8 May

    When Grief Gets Quiet

    The most painful part of grief can be what happens after the condolences stop. When everyone returns to their routines, the person who lost someone is left with the quiet, the calendar, and the dates that suddenly feel impossible.  I’m joined by Kelly Edmondson, a trauma ICU nurse from Ohio who spent decades caring for people in crisis, until she became the one who needed care. After her son Darius, who lived with epilepsy, died unexpectedly in his sleep, Kelly saw how loud the silence can be in the weeks and months after the funeral. She explains why people avoid grief conversations, why “I don’t want to remind them” is a myth, and how a simple message can carry real weight: “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.”  We also dig into practical grief support that actually helps, especially around anniversaries of death, birthdays, Mother’s Day and the holidays. Kelly shares how Timely Presence delivers personalized memorial gifts on the days research shows are most difficult, and why light-filled items like sun catchers and candles can help someone feel seen without trying to fix the unfixable. For anyone navigating bereavement, we talk about the physiological impact of loss and concrete steps like sleep, small high-protein meals, fresh air, sunlight and new rituals that gently reframe triggering dates.  If you know someone who’s grieving, or you’re trying to find your way forward after loss, listen, share it with a friend, and subscribe so you don’t miss the next conversation. If it resonates, please leave a review and tell us what supportive phrase you wish you’d heard most. Resources & support (UK)Samaritans: 116 123 (free, 24/7)Shout: Text 85258 (free, 24/7)PAPYRUS HOPELINEUK (under 35s): 0800 068 4141 Explore more tools & training:  🌐 www.nickyperfect.com  🌐 www.thecommunicationcoach.co.uk  💬 Join our community: Courageous Conversations About Suicide  — a safe, supportive space to listen, share, and find connection.

    37 min
  5. A Crisis Negotiator’s Guide To Talking About Grief

    1 May

    A Crisis Negotiator’s Guide To Talking About Grief

    Grief can make you feel like the world should stop, yet everything keeps moving and you’re left trying to keep up. I’m on my own for this one, speaking as a former hostage and crisis negotiator who’s heard hundreds of stories from people in crisis and as a human being who has also had to carry loss. I share three hard lessons that shaped my work and my life: we will all face crisis at some stage, many crises centre on loss, and loneliness can quietly become one of the biggest threats to our wellbeing. I talk through my own experiences of bereavement, including losing my friend Jane to cancer and the shock of grieving someone who should have had decades ahead of her. Then I open up about losing my dad in November 2022 and the unexpected part that followed: searching for his “essence” in places I thought I’d feel him, and the relief when I finally did. Alongside the emotion, I touch on the practical realities of death, from probate to navigating online systems while you’re still in shock. To make sense of how grief can swing and surprise you, I walk through the Kubler-Ross grief cycle and why it helped me name what was happening, even when it didn’t show up in a neat order. We also get practical about communication skills for grief and bereavement: how to open up the conversation, why saying their name matters, and why listening without fixing is often the kindest support you can offer. If this resonates, subscribe, share it with someone who might need it, and leave a review so more people can find these conversations. What’s one thing you wish others understood about your grief? Resources & support (UK)Samaritans: 116 123 (free, 24/7)Shout: Text 85258 (free, 24/7)PAPYRUS HOPELINEUK (under 35s): 0800 068 4141 Explore more tools & training:  🌐 www.nickyperfect.com  🌐 www.thecommunicationcoach.co.uk  💬 Join our community: Courageous Conversations About Suicide  — a safe, supportive space to listen, share, and find connection.

    29 min
  6. Why Boys Don’t Ask For Help And How Schools Can Change That

    24 Apr

    Why Boys Don’t Ask For Help And How Schools Can Change That

    Every suicide callout Claire attended as a police officer was male and that pattern haunted her long after the blue lights switched off. Claire Dunn joined Essex Police at 20, spent 18 years responding to crisis, and was medically retired with PTSD in 2016. She retrained, stepped into the NHS, and quickly hit a new shock: in school-based mental health services, boys were barely being referred, even though boys and girls struggle at similar rates. If boys aren’t coming through the door, what happens before they reach crisis point?  We dig into the turning points that pushed Claire from awareness into action, including two suicides close to home in 2023 and the wider reality that suicide is a leading cause of death for men under 50. Claire shares what she learned from co-producing solutions with boys aged 12 to 15, what they said about stigma, masculinity, peer pressure, and the fear of being seen, plus why privacy in schools matters more than most adults realise. We also talk about how distress can show up as anger and “challenging behaviour”, and why educators and services need to read those signals differently if we want earlier support and better outcomes.  You’ll hear the practical side too: mental health literacy, simple language, discreet self-referral routes like QR codes, and clearer pathways so boys can access early intervention before they escalate into self-harm or suicidal ideation and miss preventive thresholds. Claire also explains her current doctorate work using participatory action research to develop gender-informed interventions for adolescent boys across UK schools.  If you care about boys’ mental health, suicide prevention, school wellbeing, or how to have difficult conversations before it’s too late, hit subscribe, share this with a teacher or parent, and leave a review with the one change you want schools to make. Resources & support (UK)Samaritans: 116 123 (free, 24/7)Shout: Text 85258 (free, 24/7)PAPYRUS HOPELINEUK (under 35s): 0800 068 4141 Explore more tools & training:  🌐 www.nickyperfect.com  🌐 www.thecommunicationcoach.co.uk  💬 Join our community: Courageous Conversations About Suicide  — a safe, supportive space to listen, share, and find connection.

    38 min
  7. What If Strength Meant Asking For Help

    17 Apr

    What If Strength Meant Asking For Help

    Suicide is still taking too many men, and the scariest part is how often it happens in silence. I sit down with Aldo Kane, former Royal Marines commando and one of the world’s go-to safety and expedition leads for extreme TV and film, to talk about what he’s learned from decades in high-risk, high-consequence environments and from losing close friends to suicide. We dig into why men can struggle to communicate pain, how “unwritten rules” about being a man can turn stress into isolation, and why psychological safety changes everything. Aldo shares a grounded framework for resilience that isn’t motivational fluff: sleep, movement, nutrition, daylight, and social connection. He also explains why resilience is not fixed, how doing hard things builds real coping capacity, and why a simple walk side-by-side can unlock conversations that never happen face-to-face. We also go deeper on identity and values, especially the crash that can come after leaving the military or any role that once gave you purpose. Aldo breaks down the Royal Marines commando spirit values and how they still guide him through change, grief, and uncertainty. Finally, we talk about asking for help early, including Aldo’s decision to seek therapy proactively after Iraq, and what he’s doing to raise two young boys who can name emotions and talk openly. If you found this helpful, subscribe, share it with someone you care about, and leave a review so more people searching for men’s mental health and suicide prevention can find it. What’s one small “walk and talk” check-in you could do this week? Resources & support (UK)Samaritans: 116 123 (free, 24/7)Shout: Text 85258 (free, 24/7)PAPYRUS HOPELINEUK (under 35s): 0800 068 4141 Explore more tools & training:  🌐 www.nickyperfect.com  🌐 www.thecommunicationcoach.co.uk  💬 Join our community: Courageous Conversations About Suicide  — a safe, supportive space to listen, share, and find connection.

    46 min

  8. 20 Mar

    How Sharing Our Stories Turns Grief Into Connection With John Kammer and Nicky Perfect

    This episode is part of Podcasthon 2026, a global podcast movement highlighting the work of charities around the world. For this special release on Friday 20 March, we are proud to support SHOUT, the UK’s free, confidential, 24/7 text messaging service for anyone struggling to cope. Grief can make the world feel smaller, quieter, and strangely far away from who we used to be. In this deeply honest conversation, John Kammer joins Nicky Perfect to share how repeated loss shattered his illusion of invincibility and pushed him into years of numbing inside the relentless pace of the hospitality industry. Sobriety eventually opened the door to something different — an active, deliberate approach to healing. The conversation moves from raw guilt and unspoken words to an unexpected bridge: building an ethical, text-based AI designed to help people express what feels stuck when the room is dark and the heart is loud. Together we explore why the familiar “stages of grief” often miss the mark, and instead focus on Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning: • accepting the loss • processing the pain • adjusting to life without the person physically present • creating an enduring connection that allows us to move forward without erasing love. John explains how structured prompts can help organise scattered thoughts, make therapy sessions more effective, and turn late-night spirals into clear reflections you can take to a professional. We also step into difficult territory — men and vulnerability, the way strength is often confused with silence, and why caring for others starts with acknowledging what we ourselves are afraid to feel. From psychodrama tools such as letter writing and the empty chair, to the thoughtful design choices behind his AI project, the conversation stays grounded in dignity. No voices. No avatars. No pretending anyone comes back. Just language that gives shape to the presence we already carry. If you’ve ever wanted a simple way to support someone who is grieving, borrow this question: “Tell me about them.” Stories unlock connection.  Stories keep memory alive. As part of Podcasthon, this episode also shines a light on SHOUT, whose volunteers support people across the UK through text conversations during moments of crisis. Their work reminds us how powerful a few words — and a listening presence — can be. 🎧 Listen now.  💬 Share with someone who may need it.  ⭐ Leave a review to help more people find these conversations. And remember — sometimes the most powerful thing we can offer someone is simply the space to speak. Resources & support (UK)Samaritans: 116 123 (free, 24/7)Shout: Text 85258 (free, 24/7)PAPYRUS HOPELINEUK (under 35s): 0800 068 4141 Explore more tools & training:  🌐 www.nickyperfect.com  🌐 www.thecommunicationcoach.co.uk  💬 Join our community: Courageous Conversations About Suicide  — a safe, supportive space to listen, share, and find connection.

    31 min
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4.8
out of 5
13 Ratings

About

For over a decade, Nicky Perfect BEM served as a Hostage and Crisis Negotiator, working with people and families in moments of extreme crisis. She went on to become Course Director for the UK’s National Negotiation Course and has trained negotiators and leaders across the world. Alongside her operational career, Nicky has studied psychology, relationships, human behaviour, personal development, and coaching. In this podcast, she brings those experiences together to show how the principles of hostage and crisis negotiation can transform everyday communication. Because communication is at the heart of everything we do — in families, at work, in leadership, and in the toughest conversations we face. When relationships break down, it’s usually because communication has broken down first. Each episode offers real stories, practical strategies, and powerful insights to help you: 🎧 Listen in a way that makes people feel heard💬 Navigate conflict with calm and confidence🌱 Build stronger, healthier relationships at home and at work Learn the skills that save lives — and discover how they can change yours.

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