Jen Lumanlan always thought infancy would be the hardest part of parenting. Now she has a toddler and finds a whole new set of tools are needed, there are hundreds of books to read, and academic research to uncover that would otherwise never see the light of day. Join her on her journey to get a Masters in Psychology focusing on Child Development, as she researches topics of interest to parents of toddlers and preschoolers from all angles, and suggests tools parents can use to help kids thrive - and make their own lives a bit easier in the process. Like Janet Lansbury's respectful approach to parenting? Appreciate the value of scientific research, but don't have time to read it all? Then you'll love Your Parenting Mojo. More information and references for each show are at www.YourParentingMojo.com. Subscribe there and get a free newsletter compiling relevant research on the weeks I don't publish a podcast episode!
Dismantling White Supremacy and Patriarchy on MLK Day
In this short ad hoc episode that was originally recorded as a Facebook Live, I discuss ways that my family is working on dismantling both white supremacy and patriarchy (and having a go at capitalism while we're at it!) this Martin Luther King Jr. Day holiday weekend.
The best part is that this doesn't have to be heavy work that brings with it a huge sense of guilt. It's about building community that lifts all of us up, and gets us out of the 'stay in my lane' mindset that white supremacy uses to keep us in line. And it also doesn't have to happen only on the holiday itself - this work is just as relevant and important the rest of the year.
Prefer to watch rather than listen? https://fb.watch/35B03cpt1h/ (Click here to join the free YPM Facebook group and watch the video recording of the episode)
Responding to the U.S. Capitol Siege
In this ad hoc episode, I outline a response to the U.S. Capitol siege. I provide some suggestions for ways to talk with your child about the events, but also ask that you take two more steps: (1) examine your own role in these events, even if you condemn them yourself (as I do); (2) take action based on your own position and role in the world to work toward equality.
https://yourparentingmojo.com/race/ (You can find my resources on the intersection of parenting and race here.)
https://yourparentingmojo.com/white-parents-how-to-talk-with-your-preschooler-about-black-lives-matter/ (There's a specific blog post suggesting a script for talking with children about the Black Lives Matter movement (which could be adapted for this situation) here.)
https://www.surjbayarea.org/events/category/action-hour-events (Showing Up for Racial Justice's Action Hours are here)
127: Doing Self-Directed Education
When parents first hear about interest-led learning (also known as self-directed education), they may wonder: why on earth would we do that? And how would my child learn without anyone teaching them?
Many parents start down this path with only an inkling of where it may end up taking them and I think this is true of our guest, Akilah Richards. Akilah grew up in a typical Jamaican family where children were not allowed to have an opinion about anything - even their own bodies and feelings. In her book Raising Free People, she writes that:
"Respect, the way [Jamaican parents] define it, is non-negotiable, and the spectrum of things a child can do to disrespect an adult, especially a parent, is miles wide and deep. Reverence for adults, not just respect, is expected, normalized, and deeply ingrained. Somebody else's mama could slap you for not showing reverence to any adult.
Physical punishment for the wrong displays of emotion, even silent ones like frowns or subtle ones like deep sighs, were commonplace, expected, celebrated as one of the reasons children "turned out right." Not only did you, as a child, dismiss any attitudes or anything adults might perceive as rudeness, your general countenance should reflect a constant respect - no space at all for showing actual emotion, if that emotion was contrary to what was reverent and pleasant for the adults in your life - again, especially your parents."
While we may not have grown up with parents who were as overtly strict as this, chances are our parents and teachers used more subtle ways of keeping us in line with behavior management charts, grades (and praise for grades) and the withdrawal of approval if we were to express 'negative' emotions like frustration or anger.
And of course this is linked to learning because compulsory schooling does not allow space for our children to be respected as individuals. There may be dedicated, talented teachers within that system that respect our children and who are doing the very best they can to provide support, but they too are working within a system that does not respect them.
So how could we use interest-led learning/self-directed education to support our child's intrinsic love of learning - as well as our relationship with them? This is the central idea that we discuss in this episode. It's a deep, enriching conversation that cuts to the heart of the relationship we want to have with our children, and I hope you enjoy it.
Resources discussed during the conversation:
https://www.eclecticlearningnetwork.com/ (Maleka Diggs' Eclectic Learning Network)
https://www.rfpunschool.com/p/learningtolisten (Developing a Disruptor's Ear, by Akilah Richards and Maleka Diggs)
https://network-3043137.mn.co/ (Toward Radical Social Change (TRUE) community)
https://raisingfreepeople.com/ (Akilah's website, Raising Free People)
https://www.pmpress.org/index.php?l=product_detailandp=1145 (Akilah's book, Raising Free People)
SYPM 010: From Anxious Overwhelm to Optimistic Calm
In this Sharing Your Parenting Mojo episode we hear from listener Anne, who has been in my Parenting Membership for a year now. In our conversation we discussed the anxiety she used to feel about every aspect of parenting, including the things she wanted to teach her son to do (Spanish! Coding!) and how she interacted with both him and with her husband.
She actually joined the Parenting Membership to learn how to become the perfect parent, and I'm sorry to say that I failed as her teacher/guide in that regard. She is not a perfect parent (and neither am I), but she is now a perfectly good enough parent, and has been able to relax into her relationship with her son because of that.
I hope you enjoy this raw, vulnerable conversation where Anne reflects on the changes she has made in her life over the last year.
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Hi, I’m Jen and I host the Your Parenting Mojo podcast where I critically examine strategies and tools related to parenting and child development that are grounded in scientific research and principles of respectful parenting. In this series of episodes called Sharing Your Parenting Mojo, we turn the tables and hear from listeners. What have they learned from the show that’s helped their parenting? Where are they still struggling? And what tools can we find in the research that will help? If you’d like to be notified when new episodes are released and get a FREE Guide to 7 Parenting Myths We Can Safely Leave Behind, seven fewer things to worry about, subscribe to the show at YourParentingMojo.com. You can also continue the conversation about the show with other listeners in the Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group. I do hope you’ll join us.
Hello, and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. Today we're going to hear from a special guest Anne, who is a parent whom I work with on a regular basis. She's going to tell us about the anxiety that she used to feel to be the perfect parent to her son, which threatened to overwhelm her and potentially even her marriage. She actually joined my membership a couple of years ago hoping it would teach her how to become the perfect parent. And in some ways, she didn't get what she paid for at all. And another she got so much more.
Unfortunately, she didn't learn how to become the perfect parent. Instead, she realized there's no such thing as a perfect parent and that trying to be the perfect parent was tearing her apart. She learns new communication tools which we teach as a way of helping parents to get on the same page about the parenting decisions they're making, But of course, they're applicable to other kinds of conversations as well. So now she's able to talk with her husband in a way that doesn't get his back up, that helps him to understand her needs, and she's able to hear and understand his needs, and they can work together to find solutions to all kinds of problems, not just those related to parenting.
She's become deeply involved in anti-racist work, and if you join the membership, you'll actually find her leading our anti-racist group activities. When she's learned how to stand up to family members, when they say something that she finds deeply offensive. She used to just be offended and let it slide and be seething on the inside, but she doesn't do that anymore, and she knows how to decide which of these kinds of issues that families disagree on are okay to let go, and which are worth taking a stand on. And she's become increasingly confident over the last few months to take a stand on those things that she knows are important to her. So, she's learning how to set boundaries with people that she's never felt able to set boundaries with before, which is setting a great example for her son who's watching and learning from her.
126: Problem Solving with Dr. Ross Greene
Let's talk problem solving! Many of us have tried it, but it's so common to get stuck...and to think that the method doesn't work, and then return in exasperation to the methods we'd been using all along. These often involve coercion, or forcing the child to do something they don't want to do - but what's the alternative?
In this episode we talk with Dr. Ross Greene, who developed the Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (formerly Collaborative Problem Solving) approach in his books https://amzn.to/36JbJN5 (The Explosive Child) and https://amzn.to/2JCLxuE (Raising Human Beings). I really enjoyed digging into the research for this episode (why do all the papers describing CPS compare its effectiveness to behaviorist-based approaches?) but I ended up really taking one for the team: we didn't have time for all of my questions on the research because I wanted to make sure to address the challenges with problem solving that parents in the free https://www.facebook.com/groups/2174808219425589 (Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group) described when I asked them about this topic.
These challenges included:
How to problem solve with very young children
What to do when the same issue recurs over and over and the solutions we decide on together don't seem to help
How to navigate a child not wanting to leave the park when it's time to go
How to approach a child who doesn't seem to be able to or refuses to communicate their feelings
For more information on Dr. Greene's work, check out his books https://amzn.to/2JCLxuE (Raising Human Beings) and https://amzn.to/36JbJN5 (The Explosive Child.)
SYPM 009: How to Set Boundaries in Parenting
In this guest we're joined by life coach and expert on reparenting Xavier Dagba to discuss the topic of boundaries in parenting.
We don't tend to learn much about having boundaries when we're young, because our culture teaches that children shouldn't really need or have them (and those of us who are using respectful parenting approaches are working against the tide here). This then translates to us not knowing how to set boundaries as adults, and feeling 'walked all over' - without fully understanding why, or what to do about it.
We also talk about the limit between boundaries and limits, an important distinction as we interact with our children.
If you need more support in setting limits that your child will respect (and using far fewer of them than you might ever have thought possible - while still having your boundaries respected!), I hope you'll join my FREE Setting Loving (and Effective!) Limits workshop that runs between December 7-11. When you learn how to set limits that are grounded in your values, you'll hold them with confidence and you'll see MUCH less testing behavior from your child. We'll also introduce tools to help you find ways to engage your child's collaboration so you can really see a shift in the emotional climate of your home.
https://yourparentingmojo.com/limits/ (Click here to join the FREE Setting Loving and Effective Limits workshop)
Other resources from this episode:
https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748 (The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.)
https://www.xavierdagba.com/ (Xavier's website)
https://www.instagram.com/xavier.dagba/?hl=en (Follow Xavier on Instagram)
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Hi, I'm Jen and I host the Your Parenting Mojo Podcast. We all want our children to lead fulfilling lives, but it can be so hard to keep up with the latest scientific research on child development and figure out whether and how to incorporate it into our own approach to parenting. Here at Your Parenting Mojo, I do the work for you by critically examining strategies and tools related to parenting and child development that are grounded in scientific research and principles of respectful parenting. If you'd like to be notified when new episodes are released and get a FREE Guide to 7 Parenting Myths That We Can Safely Leave Behind, seven fewer things to worry about, subscribe to the show at YourParentingMojo.com. You can also continue the conversation about the show with other listeners in the Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group. I do hope you'll join us.
Hello, and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo Podcast. Today we're going to talk with a guest about a topic that I've been thinking about a lot lately, which is on setting limits and boundaries. We'll talk about the difference between a limit and a boundary. Because this has really profound implications for our parenting. We tend to think of limits as something that brings more control, and we want to have control. So, we want to have those in place so we can feel like we're on top of this parenting thing. But for some reason, we tend to be really sloppy in our boundaries. We have a hard time accepting that we're even worthy of setting boundaries, never mind holding them. So, we're going to talk through this today with my guest, Xavier Dagba who's a life coach who focuses specifically on these kinds of issues.
But before we get to that, I wanted to let you know about a free one week Setting Loving and Effective Limits Workshop that I'm running starting on Monday, December 7, I actually normally sell a version of this workshop for five bucks, and you have to work through the content by yourself. But this is a rare opportunity to do it not only for free, but to get my support while you're at it. In the workshop, we're going to come at
Customer ReviewsSee All
My daughter is about 2 years old, and this podcast has given me a great deal of subjects to think and talk about with my husband, in order to figure it out how to improve our relationship with our daughter. Thanks Jen, great job!
Brilliant Parenting Show
With 2 small kids I am always looking for smart parenting advice and this is the show I have been looking for. Jen knows the field inside out and is such a great host. I love the mix of episodes and know this is a show I will be coming back to time and time again. Keep it up!
Edifying Parenting Help
Wow. OK I love science, and the process of ensuring that ideas have been properly tested and thought through. Jen takes this very seriously on her podcast and heavily researches everything. Her delivery is always caring, and listening to her is like listening to a friend talking about her experiences, others experiences and what research is out there. You never feel judged, and she is honest about her own experiences too which means you feel a connection on the subject matters. Really enjoying working my way through the earlier episodes.