TOTAL MASSACRE

Rowan Kaiser
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  • Film Reviews
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TOTAL MASSACRE is a science fiction and action movie podcast hosted by Rowan Kaiser, Kev Koeser, and Carli Velocci!

  1. 08/08/2025

    Synecdoche, New York

    "It is a play about dating. It's not a play just about death. It's about everything. Dating, birth, death, life, family—all that." TOTAL MASSACRE returns, kind of, with a show about Charlie Kaufman's masterpiece/self-indulgent waste, SYNECDOCHE, NEW YORK, or, a man will invent an entire world of nestled plays within plays rather than admit he might have gender dysphoria. The actor playing Rowan Kaiser is quickly written out, but is also joined by actors playing Kev Koeser who takes over, and guest actors playing Carli Velocci and Dais Johnston also appear.

    1hr 31min

  2. 24/04/2025

    The Breakfast Club

    Our project getting into the Teen Girl High School Social Satire Canon requires a delve into John Hughes, and we've picked THE BREAKFAST CLUB, because it's the best, least problematic, and somehow Rowan never saw it before this? Anyway enjoy a bunch of millennials poking holes in a Gen X masterpiece--nah, we all loved it, all three of us Ally Sheedys.

    1hr 30min

  3. 10/04/2025

    Carrie

    They're all gonna laugh at you. TOTAL MASSACRE starts its foray into the teen girl high school social satire canon with CARRIE, a film that may not be satire, but it's very concerned with many of the same things, as Rowan argues, and is a tremendous influential film and story overall, as special guest Zack Handlen argues. Does first-time viewer Christy Admiraal agree? What is the difference between comedy and horror in the end? Why are CARRIE adaptations so keen to make Carrie so skinny? How awful is Nancy Allen, and how not-threatening is John Travolta? And why is Rowan so attracted to Piper Laurie in this anyway???

    1hr 48min

  4. 28/03/2025

    Lady Bird

    It's all led to this. Over a hundred episodes of action movies, science fiction movies, crime lesbian movies, and Gerwig movies has to our apotheosis: LADY BIRD. Why did Kev redefine their life about this movie? Why was Rowan terrified about how close to home it would hit? Why was special guest/new co-host (kinda) Christy Admiraal excited to join us? How astonishing is this cast? How great are the core performances? How did Greta Gerwig manage to make "liking Crash by the Dave Matthews Band" into the emotional climax of an all-time great film? All these questions and more -- including what the fourth season of TOTAL MASSACRE will entail -- on this massive sweeps week episode!

    1hr 18min

  5. 21/03/2025

    Mistress America

    Gerwig month continues with Mistress America, a film about what happens when you get the coolest step-sister of all time who's also a total loser but then the film isn't actually about her, it's about you, and you don't like what you find out about yourself. Plus girlbossing, and tweets! Rowan and Kev are joined by Mistress America superfan Grace Robertson to talk what happens when it all goes wrong but it's also very funny.

    1hr 25min

  6. 13/03/2025

    Frances Ha

    TOTAL MASSACRE is going through a rough time. Our best friend Carli got other things to do in life instead of hanging out with us all time (congrats Carli!) Fiasco month didn't get us hired for the Christmas show. We've had to turn to our comfort films. That's right, after action, after science fiction, it is time for GRETA GERWIG MONTH (early). We begin with FRANCES HA, written by and starring the lady herself, and man is this script great. Jeez is this acting great. And the editing! Well that wasn't her but everything is great. It's already a fav of Rowan and Kev, but special guest Jon Arthur watched it for the first time for the show and then immediately watched it again.

    1hr 37min

  7. 28/02/2025

    Southland Tales

    TOTAL MASSACRE's Fiasco month concludes with Southland Tales, Richard Kelly's 2006 disasterpiece of a followup to Donnie Darko. It's a movie that's very angry about George W Bush, ineffective liberals, racist cops, and rampant nationalist consumerism, and boy does it want to deal with all those things at once, with wildly varying effectiveness. We talk about Sarah Michelle Gellar, SNL alumni, Amy Poehler's too-fast death, the mid-2000s liberal blogosphere, Barack Obama, Wallace Shawn as a Final Fantasy villain, Bai Ling as ..... some character, and whether The Rock was ready for this kind of stardom. And a lot more. There's so much movie in this movie!

    1hr 37min

  8. 12/02/2025

    Cloud Atlas

    Fiasco month(s) continues with the Wachowskis' and Tom Twyker's masterfiascopiece, CLOUD ATLAS, a film about the indominatible power of the human spirit and also Halle Berry as an evil elderly Korean doctor. Chris Dole guests alongside Rowan and Kev to talk about the movie that is one of the most movies. It's a lot, in fact six different movies, but also most of them seem good! The cast is great! The yellowface is....maybe well-intentioned but that doesn't mean it good. What IS good is the score! Real monkey's paw movie.

    1hr 42min
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About

TOTAL MASSACRE is a science fiction and action movie podcast hosted by Rowan Kaiser, Kev Koeser, and Carli Velocci!

Information

  • Creator
    Rowan Kaiser
  • Years Active
    2021 - 2025
  • Episodes
    99
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Copyright
    © a Rowan Kaiser production
  • Show Website
    TOTAL MASSACRE